Posted:
I finally had a moment from babysitting the other thread to check in on what shape this one took ... and of course, it is beautiful.
But more than just that, I think its wonderful because of the element of movement you've ribboned throughout. She has left him, literally moved away. The bus moved her, the wheels moved her over uneven ground.. The element of time, too, played its part. The bus ride is in her past, so we know its been days--time has moved on from the moment of her leaving him. And yet, what has remained is HIM. Her memories of the man she has left behind..she has moved with those remaining intact within her.
So the small echoing of actual physical movement, of time change plays very well with the emotional distance she cannot create, cannot enforce. Her searing need for his heart to continue ITS movement--continue its beating. Physically gone, emotionally static. And the entire story, this small droplet of a story has left me---well--moved.
Nicely played baisa. Ripped my heart out, in 150 words or less. Nicely played.
-Navin
But more than just that, I think its wonderful because of the element of movement you've ribboned throughout. She has left him, literally moved away. The bus moved her, the wheels moved her over uneven ground.. The element of time, too, played its part. The bus ride is in her past, so we know its been days--time has moved on from the moment of her leaving him. And yet, what has remained is HIM. Her memories of the man she has left behind..she has moved with those remaining intact within her.
So the small echoing of actual physical movement, of time change plays very well with the emotional distance she cannot create, cannot enforce. Her searing need for his heart to continue ITS movement--continue its beating. Physically gone, emotionally static. And the entire story, this small droplet of a story has left me---well--moved.
Nicely played baisa. Ripped my heart out, in 150 words or less. Nicely played.
-Navin
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
