-Shanak SS- Banwra Mann Final Pg 16 - Page 12

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yasharan.love thumbnail
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Posted: 14 years ago
sorry didnt read the earliar updates befre.... was busy anyway, I read all parts at one go and LOVED them!!! it was really good.... love how the whole family is a part of the track and nt just Khanak and shaan....
continue soon
love,
Pooja
wooster thumbnail
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Posted: 14 years ago
Ok! so Shaan is angry...oh!! love Hari bha and Dharam when they pick him up with sofa...great scene so RBO!!! love it and it lifted my crappy mood!!!👏

but its getting a little cheesy with Shaan saying... she is leaving me and all!!! (thoda zada hai)... but again i like the way you blended Dhulwadi!! good going girl!!

...What if Shaan says... "she will remember what happened in Dhulwadi...and blame me again...(He is GUILTY remember!!!) she is forgotten but again she is going back to her roots...maybe she will remember and ....i will loose her!!! "

I iike the way Madhavi Khushboo and Sunil.. are blended in the story.. this is a family!!! and miss this in the latest RBO crap!!!
giving the locket to Khusboo for 'klosure"...very interesting!! and great idea....

i just feel that she need to find the closure with herself not externally but how do you write it....she has to face Shaan... who is the cause for Suraj's death....they day she accepts that and forgives him ....then its Closure....

Please continue...stay away from too cheesiness...pleaj!!!

Edited by wooster - 14 years ago
KrazEee thumbnail
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Posted: 14 years ago
Firstly, Thanks for the PM, and sorry for a slow response...

Now part IV - Once again beautifully written! 👏 I love how you involve the whole family, even Harilal 😆 This is the true essence of RBO...simple yet interesting, involving the whole family!...Would have loved to see Akki-Boo helping out ShaNak...It was such an interesting track, I wish they had handled it in a better way....you are a superb writer, do continue! = )...And Can I please request you to lend your brain to the CVs?
😳
saaaz thumbnail
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Posted: 14 years ago

THANK YOU EVERYONE>...especially...

@Shalini: Thank you

@Souma: loved loved your analysis,, can you come by more often??😉

@adventure gurl: Thanks and you are most welcome

@Shriya: hmm…dhulwaadi…always seems to get the best of us haina??😛

@Bona: dearie thanks for reading and commenting on both parts love you for that

@ cadbery: Oye, Kaam pe dhyaan de,,, lekin mera SS bhi na bhoolna…thanks re ,,,your comment made me smile😃

@Vandoo meri bandhoo: don 't yu worry re,,,locket tho Boo ne flush bhi kar diyaa and she will have a story for khanak in case asked…😆

@Mani: Don't chadao so much,,,hope after reading next part,,, you don't take the award away…😳

@ Naveen: Kya kare SS hai…khatam tho hona hi hai…😭

@Smitha: Your comment touched me dear,,,it really did,,,I do hope you like the next part too😳

@Priyacool: have I said this before? You are too cool😃

@ angel: thanks re

@ Zenn: dearest dear,,, I loved your PM and comment,,, you are right,, I have explored Shaan more 'vocally' than Khanak's. But the 'subtleness' with respect to Khanak was deliberate, firstly becos it was so over done in the show itself that I thought going the subtle route here would make more sense,,also the implicit 'talking' with boo and mad obviously made Khanak more stronger in dealing with it becos in the first two chaps we see her 'needing to talk' and crying nd in this one, she emerges stronger,, Secondly, I really thought concentrating on a Shaan's POV would be more fun and interesting…so there!!!

@Rooji: Fantasy ka tho mujhe pata nahin,,,,but dhulwaadi was deliberate and you will see why in the next chapter

@Sneha: Akki tho usse help karna hi tha,,first chapter mein promise jo kiya tha….😃

@ Deepa: Shall wait for your comment post concluding part😃

@Teech: Aap khush,,, hum bhi khush,,, sudar nahin gaye,,, bus thoda sa unka curiosity acche kaam ke liye channel kiya…

@Simi: thanks re,,,,it means a lot and you know that 😃

@SYS: conspiracies are better left un- revealed….I am so glad you said that about Boo-Khanak, I was worried that I was writing Boo way away from character,,,

@ VAishu: BACK TO YOU

@May: SO DID I…re…So did I

@ Krishna: You know I have no words for you and the dedication with which you respond to my SS anymore,,,all I can say is KISS your girls from me….

@ Shai: Arrey yaar,,,cannot do what you do…have to end mine….

@ deepali: thanks re

@Pooja: yaar nothing compared to your FFs

@Wooster: Hmm…cheesy laga kya…main tereko pehle hi bola,,,itna pressure mat daal,,,I hope I sincerely hope next part jyada butter kum cheese….😆

@Krazeee: Awww thanks so much….

and everyone who pressed LIKE...I like that too

and those who did not read or comment 😡

Next part coming soon.................

saaaz thumbnail
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Posted: 14 years ago
Khusboo looks on admirably at Khanak and wonders how much luck is Akshay having with Shaan
-------------------------
PART V- concluding part
Khusboo suddenly hears her phone buzz, looks at Khanak, thanks her for the locket thing,, and leaves Khanak with her hands on the blue petti..
Khanak with a small smile, shakes her head and turns back to what she was doing, she opens the petti only to find the blue shiny kurta with silver sleeves staring back at her. She has a small smile on her face and removes it from the petti, and feels it and closes her eyes,,, "lag raha hoon na main handsome" 'and with eyes closed she whispers "haan bahut, itne ki mai aur kissi ko'..but her thoughts are interrupted with heavy steps into the room'"Shaantanu'"???!!!
Shaan enters the room like a tornado,,, completely ignoring Khanak and marches to the cupboard opens the top most shelf and removes a suitcase, flings it open on the bed next to her petti ,,, and starts throwing folded shirts into it.
Khanak: Shaantanu, yeh kya kar rahe hai aap?
Shaan: Kyun tumne kya socha? Dhulwaadi ke liye, main kya apni cheezein tumhari iss petti mein daloonga, please haan Khanak,, how tacky,,abhi hatto,, mujhe apni cheezen pack karne do!
Khanak: Kya?? Aap Dhulwaadi kaise jaa sakte hain??
Shaan: Oh hello madam, ,,, Tumhari Dhulwaadi jaane ke liye koyi visa nahin lagta,,, vahan pe koyi bhi kabhi bhi jaa sakta hai..
Khanak: Visa? KYA??? '(shaking her head) woh sab chodiye'Shaantanu lekin aap dhulwaadi kyun jayenge??/
Shaan: Kyun ka matlab?? Kyun Nahin??? Arrey wah,,, main kyun nahin jaa sakta?? Tumhari Bai ne kahaan hai kya, ki apni pati ko dhulwaadi mat leke aana
Khanak: Dekhiye, mere khaandaan pe mat jaayiye'
(Both pointing at each other and then exasperated'and begin again animatedly)
Shaan: By the way, tum mujhe ek baat batao Khanak,,,vahan dhulwaadi mein aisa kya hai jiske liye tum baat baat pe apni petti utha leti ho'
Khanak: Dekhiye Shaantanu, is baar tho Aada ke kehne pe'
Shaan: AAAADaaa!!!!! Kya tumhare Aada jaante hain ki tum nahin chahti ki main aaoon,,, bataoon tumhare aada ko?
Khanak: Excoos me,,, maine kab kahan ki aapko nahin aane ke liye, jaane ke liye'main sirf yeh pooch rahee hoon ki aap aake karenge kya?Matlab'.
Shaan: Matlab tumhein darr hai ki kahin main pichli baar ki tarah kuch ulta sulta na kar doon?? Hai na??
The sudden silence in the room is broken with the Khanak's soft tears falling on the floor, to which Shaan immendiately hugs her,,, not looking at her makes it a little easier for him to say,,,,
Shaan: Main dhulwaadi isiliye aana chahta hoon taaki main '.
Khanak: (now searching his eyes and holding his chest): Taaki aap?
Shaan: (holding her by the shoulders): Taaki main woh saari yaadein mita doon jisse tumhe takleef ho'
Khanak: Lekin uss takleef ke wajah se hi tho hum mile aur ek hue. Aur yeh sachaai uss takleef se itni badi aur khubsoorat hai ke jabhi main aankhen band karti hoon,,, to sirf aapko paati hoon.
Shaan: (holding her hands close to him): Sach? Tho jab tumne Sunny ko dekha, tumhe suraj ki yaad nahin aayi?
Khanak: (resting her head on this chest): Haan aayi aur darr bhi lagaa tha,,, ki aakhir suraj ka humshakal hamare zindagi mein aise achanak aane ka kya matlab ho sakta hai? Mujhe Suraj ki bahut yaad aayi lekin sirf ek ache sapne ki tarah,, woh sapna jo mera beeta hua kal hai,,,aur mere aaj mein ek yaad banke reh gayee hai ,,,
Shaan: (holding her tighter) : Lekin iss Yaad ka zimmedaar tho main hoon'
Khanak: Nahin Shaantanu,,,sachai yeh hai woh ek Hadsa tha,,, aisa hadsa jiske zimmedar kismet thi ,,wohi kismet jo humein saath laayi,,, (with a small smile),,,aur waise bhi haadse ka dandh tho aapko,,,

Shaan: (letting her go): Woh baat tho hai,,,dandh tho main bhugat raha hoon,,,
Khanak: (pointing finger at him): Aur yeh dand aapko zindagi bhar bhugatna padega,,,samjhe!!!
Shaan: Arrey wah!! Tumhare liye teen patti aur mere liye sirf ek,,,,not good Khanak, not good!!!
Khanak: Teen? Teen pati kahan?
Shaan: (grinning): Tum apni patiyon ko bahut jaldi bhool jaati ho yaar!!! Kyun woh Mr. Talwaar (enacts a sword fight) ko bhool gayee kya??
Khanak: Kya??!!! (grinning with a small laugh back): Aapko pata tha??
Shaan: Arrey main wohi to tha,,,agar mujhe tab pata chalta (pulling her by the waist towards him) ki aakhir mein tum merehi paas aane waali ho,,, tho main tabhi ka tabhi uss talwaar ko goli se udda deta,,
Khanak: (fisting his chest and sassily smiling back): Chodiye!! Aapki tho tab girlphrand hua karti thi,,,aap tho mere patiyon ko nipat lete,,,main aapki girlphrand ka kya kartee??
Shaan: (holding her very close and feeling his hand over cheek to her ear and whispering near her lips): Waise tho tum jabhi Natashajee Natashajee kehtee,,,Natasha ka tho mujhe pata nahin,,,,lekin mera khoon tumhare liye bahut khauolta tha'.
Khanak: Dhaath!!!!!!!
The clanking sound of the petti falling on the floor startles Khusboo and looking at Akshay casually lie down in their bedroom says..
Boo: I don't know,,, yeh dono theek tho hai??
Akshay: I am sure they are okay,,,now come here!!
Boo: Aakhir Shaan ne tumse kahaa kya?
Akshay: Yehi ki woh Dhulwaadi jaayega Khanak ke saath,,,taaki ab se jabhi Khanak Dhulwaadi ke baare mei soche,,Shaan uske man mein aaye,,,,dono ek saath nayee yaadein bana sake,,,and all that!!
Boo: How cute!! (and rests her head on Akki's chest)

----------------

Thank you note on Pg 15 for part IV

Review Mandatory...

Edited by saaaz - 14 years ago
adventure_gurl thumbnail
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Posted: 14 years ago
loved it, keep it up saaz, Really glad you wrote this story it was fabulous!😃
sampar thumbnail
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Posted: 14 years ago
saaz 👏👏👏...awesome....mindblowing .....aww it was final part 😭.....wish u write something long .....ur just superb with words yaar......it was cute n adorable part 👏

cant say continue soon ...can i ?

cheers
bones88 thumbnail
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Posted: 14 years ago
Saaz🤗 just mindblowing.. the dialogues have such an impact❤️ loveeeed it.... and ur a brilliant story teller👏... I sooo wish u were the RBO writer🤗
snehapatro thumbnail
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Posted: 14 years ago
Saaz awsome yaar....first i have to say petti was rocking....😆 and then loved nok-jhok-emotional-loving shanak......akki-boo were so sweet yaar.......loved it......all the lines were fantastic.........😊
miss these dialogues in RBO yaar-Dekhiye, mere khaandaan pe mat jaayiye and Dhaath!!!!!!! and girlphrand...loved the way u made use of it....
saaz ur amazing writer grt job dear.....👏👏👏
keep rocking..........😃
angel_9 thumbnail
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Posted: 14 years ago

hi saaz

loved the update awesome shanak part n liked boo akki short convo...........😃
hey u should have continued.............becoz i want more of it...........
n thanks 4 that peti of khanak......... loved it😆
thanks 4 the PM

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