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Anupamaa 19 Sept 2025 Written Update & Daily Discussions Thread
Appreciation Post for Ruheen
Originally posted by: radadolcevida
Don't worry, actually they will be 2 twists , it's going to help both of them, but promise, next chapter will be happy😉
heyyy bt you promised that upcoming update will be happy one in last update...
so next update will be abt their separation nd twist only 😕
Originally posted by: radadolcevida
actually the next won't be the last, in the next update, they will talk about everything and fix everything. I will do like the gift from life, I will extand it to 10 and 20 years later😉, this Asya went throught so many pain that I wanted to give them a good and happy ending. So maybe you will have 2 or 3 more it depends on my creativity, but for sure, the upcoming chapter won't be the last.
Hi guys, sorry for the delay 😃, thanks to all your comments, I didn't get the time to answer and I am sorry about that. It's not the last chapter, I still have one or two more, I don't know yet. I hope you will like it.
Chap 29 Heartbeat
She woke up, holding tightly the sheet that was marked by their love and his scent. It still smelt him, his love, his touch and his anger. She looked at herself in the mirror and she was looking so sad, such a contrast between their first wedding night and this morning. She was the same physically but mentally, she was not the woman who was in love.
The smile and happiness deserted her eyes and his too. When did she lost herself? When did she drift away from him and his love? She loved him but still she was breathless in this love. She loved him so much that it was now aching her inside. She brushed the small bruise left by him on her, she smiled sadly, and her heart was not less hurt like her body. Yesterday, behind their wounding words, their voice were only called the other to come back but no one heard the call. A long lost and agonized scream of love mingled with pain, fell in darkness of the silent night.
(Source Bollynook.com)
Ae Humnava, Mujhe Apna Bana Le...
O partner of mine, Make me Yours
Sookhi Padi Dil Ki Iss Zameen Ko Bhiga De
(Please come and)Drench this barren/dry ground of my heart
Hmm... Hoon Akela, Zara Haath Badha De...
I'm alone/lonely, extend Your hand towards me
Sookhi Padi Dil Ki Iss Zameen Ko Bhiga De
Drench this barren ground of my heart
She didn't utter the words that he needed to hear and he even didn't say the words that she needed. She let the blanket falling on her ankles and she touched her belly, it was empty and he left her empty from his love, her womb was barren as her heart today. He left her, he left her side, her love without turning back. Did she break him? Did she go too far in her obsession? She wanted a child from him, from the man that she loved, what was her crime in forcing destiny? She was just hopeless dreamer, but she forgot to share her dream with him, she only shared her sadness.
Kab Se Main Dar Dar Phir Raha
I'm moving from door to door since so long
Musaafir Dil Ko Panaah De
Give refuge to this nomadic heart of mine
Tu Aawaargi Ko Meri Aaj Thehra De...
Put an end to my waywardness today
Ho Sake Toh, Thoda Pyaar Jata De...
If it's possible, then showcase a little amount of love
Sookhi Padi Dil Ki Iss Zameen Ko Bhiga De...
Drench this barren ground of my heart
She wanted so much this child, she was scared to loose him forever if she didn't give birth, what if he left her for this? 3 weeks were long for those who are in love, but both needed to find their balance first. This anger, this frustration killed their love day after day until it will be too late for both to save something, and at the end, they were only going to find ashes of their love. He needed space like she needed too, this 3 weeks should be a renewal in their life. She promised herself to change and to try to accept her fate, and to be the same Zoya that he fell in love with, because afterall, she loved him more than herself, but she just forgot how to live this truth love. She looked at her ring, the symbol of their union, the diamond still had its sparkles reminded her that she just needed to find hers.
Murjhaayi Si Shaakh Pe Dil Ki, Phool Khilte Hain Kyun
On withered branches of the (tree of) heart, why do flowers bloom?
Baat Gulon Ki Zikr Mehak Ka, Achha Lagta Hai Kyun
Talks about roses, mentions of fragrance, why do they feel so good?
Un Rangon Se Tune Milaaya, Jinse Kabhi Main Mil Na Paaya
You've made me meet/see those colours which I hadn't ever seen
Dil Karta Hai Tera Shukriya, Phir Se Bahaarein Tu La De
My heart is deeply grateful to You, please just bring back the Spring season
He was in the plane, recalling their argument and what followed, he felt disgusted of himself, how he loose control? How he could hurt her? He didn't rise his hand, but what he did was worst than this, and the small marks on her body were enough to show that he crossed her limits. However, she didn't seem mad at him, while she was sleeping, he was perplex and felt light for a second. But, she didn't stop him either nor she didn't say that she loved him, but what they shared yesterday was only love, he knows her eyes and what they hide to him, but why her words were heavy now? Why her words of love were rare and he had to push her far to see a glimpse of them or was it just an illusion? Did the love leave his house and her heart? Maybe she didn't say that she loved him because she was not feeling any love anymore.
Dil Ka Soona, Banjar Mehka De...
Fragrance this lonely barren heart
Sookhi Padi Dil Ki Iss Zameen Ko Bhiga De
Drench this barren ground of my heart
Hmm... Hoon Akela, Zara Haath Badha De...
I'm alone, extend Your hand towards me
Sookhi Padi Dil Ki Iss Zameen Ko Bhiga De
Drench this barren ground of my heart
He wanted her, only her and he didn't need any child between them, but it was her wish and she wasn't at fault. He couldn't bare seeing her going away from him, running away from his love like she did for their wedding. He remembered how he was those days and month after this fiasco, he was lifeless like he was now. He didn't want to run behind her, he didn't want to live this again, it was exhausting the first time and today he didn't have enough courage to do it again. He left her alone, but she needed to find her way back home and if they were meant to be, she will be with him again. She had to accept her fate and her destiny, all her answers were in her, she just needed to find them. He looked at his ring and kissed, like he wanted to kiss her forehead before leaving. He will be back after 3 weeks, it was long and short but he wished that once he will be home, he will find his wife, his love, his Zoya.
The same night
The bed was looking bigger and colder without him by her side, she wore his kurta, holding the front against her nose, she kept smelling his perfume, it was so warming scent. She opened the cupboard, and touched all his clothes, brushing the soft materiel against her cheek, how she wished it was his hand on her. All this room was print by his presence, his smell, his aura, she could remember those moment of laugh and happiness that she shared on this bed, on this balcony, in this bathroom, but all fade away leaving no light, and the darkness of this room merged with the black of this night.
Waise Toh Mausam Guzre Hain, Zindagi Mein Kayi
Although lots of seasons have passed throughout my life
Par Ab Na Jaane Kyun Mujhe Woh, Lag Rahe Hain Haseen
I don't know why I feel/find each one of them beautiful now
Tere Aane Par Jaana Maine, Kahin Na Kahin Zinda Hoon Main
On Your arrival I've come to know that I'm still alive
Jeene Laga Hoon Main, Ab Ye Fizaayein, Chehre Ko Chhooti Hawaayein
I've started living (happily) in this atmosphere, the passing winds are touching my face
She took his perfume and spread in the room and on her, she offered him this perfume, he seemed that he forgot to take it or did he do it in purpose? Her lips curved sadly. She watched the moon, enveloped in his clothes, she was waiting for his call but she was anxious, she didn't know what to say to him. He was far away from her, with another woman, a shiver crossed her spine suddenly. She trusted him and he was not this kind of men and will never be. She swept those ideas of him and Elena together, she didn't need to spoil her mind now, he was just sad and angry at her, once he will be home, she will fix everything. The soft bip of her phone broke the silent of her room, she ran and picked up the call, it was him.
-hello, he said shortly
She didn't reply, her voice trapped in her troath with her tears, she didn't want to cry and she curbed her sobs with her hands, while her tears didn't find barriers to stop. He knew that she was crying, even if she didn't say anything, he heard a soft shaky sob. Both stood silent, their silent was talking for them. He closed his eyes, he wanted to hold her and she wanted his arms at this moment.
-Zoya, he hushed and she let out a cracky moan
-Asad, she couldn't hide her emotion, I...but she couldn't say anything more
-I am sorry, Zoya, see you in 3 weeks, Allah Hafiz and he cut the call. He had to be firm if he wanted her back, she asked for space so he gave her. Only God knows how he controlled himself from conforting her, but she had to be on her own if she wanted to find her answer because she didn't hear him anymore. He took from his suitcase her scarf, he wanted a part of her with him. He took it holding delicately between his fingers, he was missing her but he can't change anything now, only in 3 weeks. He didn't know how those days will move for him and her, he just prayed Allah to give them enough patience and strength to face what he wrote for them.
He didn't want to talk to her and she felt empty again, but she understood why he did this. He was feeling guilty but again, her tougue was tied with emotions. He was right, she became weak, so weak and she felt ashame of herself. She realized that this 3 weeks were going to be a torture and she accepted her punishment for hurting him, she will wait for him, he was what she wanted the most, more than any child in the world.
Inki Tarah, Do Kadam Toh Badha Le...
Like these (winds), take a couple of steps towards me
Sookhi Padi Dil Ki Iss Zameen Ko Bhiga De
Drench this barren ground of my heart
O... Hoon Akela, Zara Haath Badha De...
I'm alone, extend Your hand towards me
Sookhi Padi Dil Ki Iss Zameen Ko Bhiga De...
Drench this barren ground of my heart
First week
Zoya stayed with Dilshad and Humeira, she can't stay at her house, his presence in every corner of her house made realize how his absence was painful to handle. She needed to be distract, but she can't lie to them, her eyes were lost and sad. Her mind drifted to their last night, how they hurted each other and how after they made love with intensity. She still could feel his strong hands on her even if there were no more marks on her skin now, but her mind and heart were still under his spell. She was supposed to take this distance to find herself but she can't think about anything than him. She spent her night thinking again and again, how she screw up everything. She felt responsible for his pain, she should have stopped him. She looked at the phone, wishing him to ring, she wanted to hear his voice, but she knew that he will not pick up the call. He told her after 3 weeks and he sounded firm in his decision. She huffed falling loudly on the bed, covering her face with the pillow.
Asad was totally engrossed in his work and he was thankfull that Elena didn't give him a break, or he will think about her again and again. His worst moment, was in the night when he laid on the bed, he missed her presence next to him, did she miss him too? He wondered. He looked at the phone and wanted her to call him, telling him that she wanted him to return soon, but he knows her, she will never call. He sighed and forced himself to close his eyes. He had a long day tomorrow.
Second week
8 days has passed and none of them called the other to end each other misery. Zoya lost her appetite, she didn't eat much and she lost some weight. She cursed him and cursed herself for being so much stubborn. Dilshad noticed Zoya's sad behavior, but she didn't want to ask her, avoiding to put her in delicate position. Zoya will not like to share her problem with her mother-in-law especially if it's involve her own son. However, she wanted to try, she prepared a tea for both and went to see Zoya. She found her sitting in the balcony, looking in nowhere, playing with her ring.
-Zoya, some tea? She asked
Zoya jerked and forced a smile when she saw her. Both stayed silent for some minutes, before, Dilshad started a conversation.
-you miss him? Zoya nodded frantically looking sad
-a lot, a lot, she whispered
-why don't you call him?
-huh, he must be busy and I don't want to disturb him, she lied and hid behind her cup.
-you can at least leave him a message, I am sure he will be happy to hear you voice. Dislhad knew now that they both fought, or she would have jump and called him.
-maybe later, ammi.
-did you both fight? She asked and as expected, Zoya burst in tears. Dilshad held her tightly and rubbed her back.
-he left angry ammi because of me, ammi, I...gave him only pain, I am so sorry, so sorry.
-Zoya, calm down, it s normal between couple to fight, it helps to bring you closer.
-what if our fight push us away from each other?
-until love remains, you will be apart only physically but never mentally. I am sure he was thinking about you as you are thinking about him. Why don't you just call him and try to fix everything?
-he doesn't want to talk to me
-did you try?
-no, but when he is angry, he can be really firm in his decision, so I don't want him to reject me, he even didn't try to call me once, she pouted sadly.
-Zoya, the day you fell in love, you say goodbye to your ego. It's not important who took the first step, the important it's to fix your problem. If you let both of you rego between you, you will always drift apart. You should talk even if you have to yell at each other, you have to talk and never stop to talk about your expectation or it will be the end between you. You know him and I am sure you know how to deal with his anger.
-when Asad is angry, we can't talk with him, he can keep silence longer than me, she giggled sadly
-some men need space and time to come back to normal, give him time but don't forget, to always show him that you love him and your arms will always be open for him when he will come back.
-I love him so much, so much, Ammi
-I know but maybe you forget to tell him this.
-yes, I didn't say it at the right time, but I don't want to loose him
-you will not loose him, he loves you too, Zoya
-what if I can't give him a child, ammi, will he look for another woman than me? She let out her worst fears
-Asad? Dilshad laughed, my son never looked to any women for years and he rejected all the proposal that I bring to him, I was forced to blackmail him at the end just to see you. And today, he was thankfull that I did it. So, don't worry about that, Asad with another woman? This is impossible.
-I didn't know that, Zoya smiled finally, he didn't tell me, I thought that he wanted me from the beginning?
-well, not when I talked about you, but when he saw you, he fell in love instantly, Dilshad gave him a playfull smile.
-he is crazy, she rolled her eyes.
-about you, yes, I confirm, and I also confirm that you are also crazy to think that Asad can be this kind of men.
-I know, he is my Asad, she smiled widely and felt suddenly a peace in her heart.
Dilshad stood up and kissed her forehead,
-no matter how his anger can be, as long as your love is in his heart, he will come back to you, and you have to hold on tight, love and trust are your best companion, don't forget Zoya.
-I will, ammi, I will, thank you.
Dilshad left her side but the smile didn't leave her face, recalling what she said about him. She felt precious and unique in his eyes, she knew that he fell in love first but she didn't expect it happened like this. Suddenly, she felt gloomy and guilty for what she said to him, the need to see him and to ask for apology were stronger now. She took the phone and called him, her heart was racing with each ring, and his voice mail came after some rings, she cut the call frustrated. He was still angry and he ignored her call, she sighed deeply realizing that she will have to wait a long 7 days again.
Asad was tired after this long journey and he closed his eyes when his body touched the bed. He didn't even hear his phone ringing in the middle of the night. When he woke up, he was surprised to see a missed call from her. He was excited like a kid and took the phone to call her back, but he stopped. She didn't let any message, and why did she just call one time? Was it a mistake or did she really want to talk to him? Maybe it was important? If it's really important, she would have insist a bit, but it was just one call and maybe a mistake. He was debating internally if he had to call her or to wait for her to call again, he cursed himself for missing her call. He sighed sadly.
Third week
The earth decided to turn slowly during this 3 weeks for both of them. The last week contained the longest days that they've never seen. Zoya went back to her house, and she prepared everything for his coming. She was excited to see him finally and to solve everything. She stood in front of the cupboard, the room was in total mess, all her dresses and sari were everywhere, thank God that Asad was not here or he would have shout on her. She didn't know what to wear, nothing satisfied her, she should have done some shopping but it was too late now. She wanted something red, his favorite color but she was perplexe, it might looked too much. After an hour, she opted for a red saree and some few make-up to hide the small bag under her eyes, she didn't sleep the night before, thinking about him.
Asad returned from his travel, all happy and anxious to see his wife. They didn't talk that much when he was away. Their last encoutner was a bit explosive and they gave to each other some space to think and to regain balance. Some distance can be benefic for fusionnel partners and they were so fusionnel during this 2 years and half. He had to confess that it was hard for him and he missed her, he missed waking up next to her, smelling her, he missed her smile, her dimple, her body, their love making and even their beckering. He didn't know how she was going to meet him, was she going to kiss him or to be distant? Was it a bad idea this break between us? He came home a bit tired but excited to see her.
Zoya was couting the time, when he will come back, she was supposed to understand and to take distance with all her problems but she only used this time to think about him day and night. Everything seemed tasteless without him and she didn't want him away from her. She missed him a lot, she missed his warm body in the evening, and she was orphan of his presence. They planned to keep distance and to let the other to take a break, but she couldn't and she slept all those night with his night shirt. The first night, it was albeit correct, because she can still feel his presence, however, when she joined her bed, it seemed bigger than usual. She slept on his side and held his pillow between her arms. She was stressed and she didn't eat anything since this morning, her tummy was tied. She didn't know how to react, did she have to hold him ? Or did she have to kiss him or to wait for him to kiss her ? She can do it or did she have to let him and showing him that she was finally back to him and his love? She wanted to leave the lead, afterall, he was her man. Zoya felt like a teenager who was going to see her crush for the first time. Technically, it was the first time , that he left angry and first time, that they didn't talk for weeks.
Finally, Zoya heard a door opening and her heart started to race a sprint. Her hands were sweating and her troath were dry. He came slowly and approached her. He sucked his breath when he saw her, beautiful was a weak word to describe how she was looking in this saree. He smiled softly noticing that she choose his favorite color. Their eyes locked with each other but no expression appeared on their face but internally, both of them were happy to see the others. He stood in front of her, and he was petrified and she's also. No one started to talk and both looked down.
-Salam alekoum, started Asad
-wa alekoum salam, replied softly Zoya.
Asad wanted to hold her and to tell her how much he missed her, but he didn't want her to reject him and he didn't want to force himself on her. He was fighting internally. Zoya wanted too crush her body against him and smelling his perfume, but she didn't know in which mood he was. Few months ago, when he used to come back from work, she used to welcome him with a deep and passionate kiss, but today, it was awkward and the rift was bigger between them.
-Do you want some coffee? She asked, she cut this silence, she can't bare it.
-yes please, I'm going to the bathroom. She nodded. Both of them left in there side, while Zoya was cursing her husband for being emotinally challenged, Asad was helpless toward her cold and rancurous behaviour.
He went to the washroom, washing his face and changing his clothes. He opened his bag and started unpacking his stuff when she came with the coffee. Both stood silent waiting for the other to speak.
-how was your travel ? Asked Zoya, she hated silence between them, she can tolerate silence only if they were kissing otherwise, she didn't want to hear about silence. She tried to initiate discussion.
-fine, and you , how was your weeks ? He wanted to say : I missed you
-fine, she replied shortly, but she just wanted to say : I missed you Asad and it wasn't fine without you.
But both remained mute and their words trapped in their heart. She sighed and came close to him.
-let me do it, you must be tired, I will help you. His lips twirled a little for her concern and for Zoya it was a first step, she even didn't control her small smile on her face. He sat watching her, and she saw him from the corner, following all her moves, and she couldn't help but to relax a bit seeing him like this. Slowly, they came closer to each other. While she was putting his shirt, she held on white shirt and found a red mark on the collar. She frowned and her breath stopped for a second. She looked closely, and it was like...She gasped. She boiled with anger and she clenched this shirt and threw it on his face.
-So I see that you enjoy your trip a lot, Asad, I didn't know that you will stand so low, Mister Asad Ahmed Khan.
Asad was shocked and disoriented of what she was talking, few seconds earlier, she was fine and now... He held his shirt and asked her angrily :
-What's wrong with you and what are you talking about ?
-don't lie to me, you think I will never know the truth, Allah show me your true face, a cheater
-mind your tongue, Zoya, I'm NOT a cheater
-how dare you lying to me ? How ? You pretexted week of work but the truth was that you went to see your mistress, HOW DARE YOU ? She was crying with anger and sadness. She didn't expect this from him, he was not this kind of men, but how?
-WHAT ? A mistress ? I don't have any mistress, I am married and I'm not this kind of men, Zoya, how could you accuse me of this low thing ? Did you see me with another women than you ? TELL ME.
He grabbed her by her arms and shook her to put some sence in her head. How can she say those horrible thing to him? Did she know that she didn't leave his mind once? She pushed him and grabbed the shirt to show him the red mark.
-and what is THIS ? You didn't wash it well , for a person who has OCD, you missed this, it's like Allah wanted to show me your TRUE FACE. She threw it again on his feet.
-this is a mark of blood, Zoya, I cut myself when I was SHAVING, it's NOT a lipstick
-LIAR, just a LIAR, Asad, how could you do this to me ? How ? Her troath constricted.
-You ask me HOW? HOW could YOU do THIS to ME, Zoya ? How can you doubt of my love for YOU? You really think that I can be this kind of men ?
-Love ? Really love ? Do you think it's still love between US? After what you did ? She laughed sarcastically, I don't know what to say, she cried hard now, our last month was really painfull, I know that I am responsible for this BUT we were supposed to stand by each other but the truth was that we spent our time, shouting on each other, all the excuses were good to YELL on the other. It was like we...We have never been in love, it's like we lost what we shared. It wasn't the same between us Asad. There is distance between us which grew day after day and we don't understand each other anymore, we couldn't talk properly, and it always finish by loud closing door.
-and you think that to run from this, I choose ANOTHER life andANOTHER WO-MAN than you? I agree that our last month wasn't a honeymoon, but it's a story in every couple. I don't know what happen to you, Zoya, you became distant. At the beginning, I though it's only a phase and it will go, but NO, it was hard day after day. You no longer supported what I say or what I do like before. You didn't even want me to touch you or to LOVE YOU. We spent night without speaking at each other while we promise to each other, never sleep angry. I don't know what to say to you, Zoya, I lost you, you are not the one that I fell in love with.
- How can you say that, Asad ? My love didn't change, it's not because I didn't say when you asked me that I forget to love you. You expected my words but my actions were enough explicit about my feelings. And I was not the only one who has change Asad. It's you who had change a lot and became distant with me. You always scowled me for anything and everything, you pointed on my messy life, on my impulsivity, on my non-stop talking. All those thing that you know that are my habbit but you are not longer supported them. At the beginning of our mariage, you used to touch, to tease me and to please me, you couldn't stay away from me more than an hour but now, we even fight when we make love, it was not anymore like before. I'm not anymore desirable for you ? She whispered the last sentence
-Zoya, please
-it's because I didn't give you a child ? That's why you looked for another woman ? Tears not only blinded her eyes but her heart.
-how can you say that ? I'm never blame you for this, we already discuss about this a HUNDRED times, this is OUR destiny, it wasn't write for us, why should I blame you for this ? You know what, this is your problem, it's exactly THIS. This obsession to be pregnant at any cost changed you, change your love, remove your joy, your smile, you lost your confidence as a wife and as a woman. Those last months, you are just living around this, waiting for your period and for each delay, you expected so much but when it turned to be negative, you became depressed and irritated for anything. At the beginning, I tried to confort you but nothing help and you still obsessed by this, DAY and NIGHT. You forget ME during all this time, and you were in your bubble and you refuse me. And at this moment, I change, this is right but because I HATED making love to you because you are expecting so much after our love making that it disgusted me to have sex only for your stupid obsession.
-How can you say that to me ? I did it for YOU, I did it for US
-NO, you only did ALL those things just for YOU and you forget about ME. How many times did I tell you to think about something else, to be patient, it's only God will, but no, you didn't stop, and you continue, again and again.
-you didn't ask yourself , why I'm so obsessed by being pregnant ? Did you just ask ONCE yourself , WHY ??? She yelled at him, he stayed mute. BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO LOOSE YOU, I don't want you to leave me if I can't give birth to your child.
-BUT YOU ARE LOOSING ME, How many times did I tell you ? It doesn't matter to me, I tried E-VERY-THING to convince you, but you remains deaf. Day after day, the rift between us increased more and more, and I suffocate next to you, I suffocate with your sadness, I suffocate with your tears, it hurts me to see you like that, it hurts me not able to soothe your pain, it hurts me to see you going away and not be able to do ANYTHING. I understand that it was important for you and you are suffering a lot, but you didn't see that I was suffering next to YOU, you are not going to loose me because you didn't give birth but you are loosing me because of your insanity. You didn't see me, right? So please, Zoya, have a mercy of me and I want you to stop that things now, all this nonsense and this obessesion, STOP IT NOW.
-you are right, we should stop now, we should stop everything, this, she pointed to him and her, between US, we should stop those lies between us, you should live your life. You should go away if you suffocated with me, you should go and find another person who had no failures and no obsession and no bad habbit. We should stop everything, YOU HEAR ME, I'm done with this, I'M DONE, DONE, she yelled hysterically.
-what are talking about ? He said with pain in his voice
-I can't anymore handle this, I can't bare anymore and I'm fed up Asad, I can't continue, I free you from any promise, I'm fed up, FED UP of everything, I can't continue, I don't want and I don't have force to continue
-Zoya, what the hell are you talking about ? He held her by her shoulders, but she pushed him with all his force and her voice erupted like a volcano, he never saw her in this way before.
-I'M DONE, I AM JUST FED UP, I'M FED UP WITH MY LIFE, WITH THIS HOUSE, WITH YOUR LOVE, WITH YOU, WITH ALL THIS PRESSURE, WITH ALL THIS SADNESS, WITH DESTINY, WITH MY FATE, I THOUGHT I CAN ACCEPT BUT I CAN'T ACCEPT THIS TRAGEDY, I CAN'T LET THIS GO AWAY ASAD I AM TIRED TO FEEL ALONE, TIRED TO WAIT, TIRED TO PRAY, TIRED TO HOPE, I AM TIRED AND I CAN'T ANYMORE, I AM DONE, I QUIT EVERYTHING, JUST GO AWAY ASAD, GO AND LEAVE YOUR LIFE AWAY FROM ME, I AM NOT A WOMAN FOR YOU, I ONLY GIVE YOU SADNESS AND PAIN LIKE I ALWAYS DID. I PUT YOU IN TROUBLE AND BY MY FAULT YOU WERE CLOSED TO DEATH. I CAN'T HANDLE THIS GUILT ANYMORE, I FAIL TO LOVE YOU, I FAIL TO MAKE YOU HAPPY, I FAIL IN THIS LOVE, I FAIL AND I CAN'T CONTINUE ANYMORE TO PRETEND THAT I CAN DO IT, BECAUSE I CAN'T DO IT, I AM JUST TIRED OF ALL THIS THING, FREE ME ASAD, FREE ME FROM YOUR LOVE, FROM THIS LIFE, FROM THIS BURDEN, I CAN'T , MY HEART WAS IN PAIN, her voice decreased brusquely, my heart was empty and I'm so tired, so tired and I can't, please, I...And she fainted in his arms.
Asad held her and in panicked, he shook her calling her.
-Zoya, zoya wake up, wake up.
He lifted her and posed her on the bed, he checked her breath. She was unconscious, he kissed her all over her face calling her in her deep sleep, rubbing her hand between his, she was sweating and she shivered. He took the blanket and covered her. He took the glass of water and splashed some drop on her face. Her eyelids moved a bit and he continued, knowing that she was closed to wake up. He called her again and kissed her again urgently this time on her lips.
-Zoya, please, I love you, wake up sweetheart, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I love you, please wake up, he didn't know that he was crying.
He loved her so much and he knew that not having babies after almost 3 years ate her from inside. She felt restless and took all the responsability for this lack. He conforted her during this last few month but nothing helped, their fights didn't stop, he was patient but soon he started by being affected for her and by her. She said true, he should have stay by her side but he was human. He was rude with her and he didn't touch her because she used to expect a lot after their love making. It became an obsession for her and not anymore a pure pleasure for them. She wasn't anymore with him, her heart was away from him and day after day, the rift increased between them. He wanted children from her, but as much as he convinced himself that it was God's will, he became crunky and sad with this fate, and his behaviour changed toward her. Both of them were waiting for the same but both couldn't shared their fears to each other, avoiding to hurt the others. This episode has weakened their relationship.
-Asad, she said weakly
-Zoya, thanks to Allah, you are awake, he kissed her on her lips softly. I'm sorry baby, I'm so sorry I love you so much and I missed you.
-Asad, Zoya started to cry, I missed you too, I miss you so much, she held him tight and they cried in each other arms.
They stood like this, holding each other, trying to find each other in those lost last month. She cupped his face and she kissed him, letting all her frustration away and to fill her heart by his presence. He can only remove all her pain from her heart, his presence was her source of happiness. He kissed her roughly, drinking her lips and her love. They kissed with hunger, pain and yearningly.
-I'm sorry Zoya, I love you
-I'm sorry Asad, I'm so sorry
-I swear it's a blood and I didn't betray you, I swear I only love you
-I know, I know Asad, I'm stupid, please forgive me, forgive me, Asad
-please don't do this is to me, I'm nothing without you, Zoya
-I'm sorry, Asad
-Are you ok ? He pushed aways her hair from her forehead and rubbed them.
-mmh, she nodded
-I understand what you say and I promise to be next to you, I don't want to loose you Zoya. You are my love, my precious thing in this life, Zoya and it affected me to see you in pain, your pain is my pain, sweetheart. I wanted a child from you but not if it cost me to loose you and I have to confess that I am also sad for not being a father but I will never blame you, because it's not in our hands. We did all the test and we are fine, but it seems that Allah delay for some reason and I don't know what the reason is, but until we find it, I want you back, I want my Zoya back, I want your smile, your craziness, your love, Zoya. I love you, I love you and not even a day, my love has stopped for you sweetheart.
-I am sorry, I make you suffer a lot, Asad, she cupped his face, I am sorry for neglect you so much, but I swear I never stopped loving you, it's just that I loose you one time and I don't want to live this ever again, so I became obsessed with this pregnancy, I just want to make you happy with so much force that I loose myself but the truth, this pregnancy just reflected how much I love you and I can't live without you, she pecked his lips softly. My real obsession is you Asad, and only you. I can live without children but not without you, Asad, I love you more than anything, she wrapped her arms around his neck.
-Zoya, let's start fresh and forget all of this, this delay was just our test of love and it was hard for both of us, but today, we are stronger than before. Those month showed us that we have to talk to each other truly and about everything and we should not keep any secret between us. We are not just you and me, but we are two now, we have to be two always, sweetheart. Ok? She nodded slightly.
-Asad, she sighed deeply, I have to ask you something before we start fresh, he came closer, and I need you to be honest and to tell me all the truth.
-I will of course, he rubbed her cheek
-Asad, I can't live with this doubt anymore, it's killing me, she looked down and fresh tears made their entry.
-what's wrong, Zoya? he frowned anxious
-Asad, did I...He encouraged her to continue, did I kill Akram?
-what? No, of course not, he was surprised by her question
-Asad, please, don't hide anything no matter how hard can be the truth
-I don't lie to you, you didn't kill him you were there too, but why do you ask me this? You don't remember? He smiled perplex but he was tensed, he didn't register what she was saying, she was there too then why did she ask such a question? She looked up at him and shook her head in no.
-I ...don't remember anything, Asad, he was shocked now.I can't remember anything. I tried so hard to remember but my memory was blank of this episode. I tried those last 3 years but I can't remember anything. She hid her face in guilt.
-you mean, that you don't remember anything that happened in this factory when you were kidnapped? All of this episode was erased from your memory?
-yes Asad, the last thing that I remembered was that I called Ayaan to tell him where I was and some of Akram's men snatched the phone and slapped me but after nothing, until I was in the hospital. And in between, I have no remembrance. So please, tell me, did I kill him? She held him by his collar, crying loudly. He was stunned by her confession, she kept this secret all this years and she never shared with him. How he was blind all this time?
-why you didn't ask me before?
-because...We decided to forget about this hurtful moment and to live our life finally. I thought...I could live but this nightmare so often returns in my mind that I thought, I killed him and you hide this to protect me. And each time, I see you scarf on your chest, she held his shirt and revealed them, I saw my crime and I was never able to touch them, it hurts me deep inside. I asked myself, how can I ask for a life... when I took someone's life with my hands, how can I hold a child...when this hands killed someone, Asad, she looked at her hands with disgust. He grabbed both of her hands and forced her to face him.
-look at me, Zoya, you trust me? She nodded, then trust me when I said that you didn't kill him
-but Asad, in my dream, I was holding a gun and the sensation on my hand felt so real
-it's true that you hold a gun but you didn't kill him, I swear, you didn't kill him. I tell you what happened. Akram drugged you and you were lying on the bed when we found you with Ayaan. I took you while Ayaan took your place and I hide you in small hut.
-that's why I saw myself trapped in cage? She recalled her dream.
-We fought Akram's men and I ran behind him but when I went downstairs, I saw you pointing the gun on Akram, asking him to move away from Ayaan. He was holding a knife on Ayaan's neck. She linked again this with her dreams. He taunted you and you just shoot him on his knee. And you were yelling at him, and yes, you pointed your gun on his forehead but you didn't pull the trigger, Zoya, believe me. And then, I called you, then when you saw me, you let your gun and you came into my arms. He was holding her closer to him when he said this, he wanted her to remember at least this moment.
-Asad, you were covered with blood, right? He nodded at her and she sighed sadly, he was looking like a ghost in her dreams and she felt a pain realizing that this part of her dream was true.
-You didn't see Akram who was pointing the gun on you, so I turned you to face him and then I closed my eyes, I just told you that I loved you, and I heard two gun shoot and we both fell on the floor. This is my truth, Zoya, you didn't kill him, you didn't kill him, he cupped her face and he didn't know that he was crying also with her.
-I didn't kill him, Asad, I didn't kill him, she repeated more to herself to be convinced that she didn't take anyone's life.
-Zoya, tomorrow you will talk to Ayaan and he will tell you his version too
-I trust you Asad,
-I know but I want you to know all the different version: what happen when you were in my arms, who killed Akram, after we lost conscious. I will make you read the police report too. You need to know the truth and you have to know everything.
-thank you so much, Asad, thank you so much, she was gratefull to him, he removed this burden that she was holding since 3 years now and she never had the courage to ask.
-we need to go to sleep both of us, we let this night go away, and we start a new day, just Asad and Zoya, like before, you want to join me ?
-mmm, she nodded vigoursely
Asad helped her to lay down and he slidded himself next to her under the blanket, holding her really closely to him, leaving no inch between them. Both closed their eyes and quickly dozed off, exhauted after all this burst emotion between us.
The day after, Asad invited Ayaan and he was first surprised for their request but he told her the same thing adding all the details of Akram's murder. He confirmed that it was a policeman who shouted him to death with two bullets and he died instantly. Asad was all the time holding her, with Ayaan's narration, she was sure now that she didn't do anything and she was innocent from this crime. Asad took Zoya and went to Nisha, he needed to know how can she forget about this important event?
-Asad, when we analysed her blood we found some trace of GHB, commonly used for date rape drug, the victims who absorb this substance are in a phase of euphoria and hallucinations and sometimes, according to the doses, can cause amnesia. And I guessed this is what happened to you Zoya, you can't remember anything the moment you were drung until, the substance was neutralized. Your dream was just a sequel of this trauma but due to the drug, your brain mixed all the events without linked them correctly.
-I should have talk about this, I would have notice something wrong, but I just thought that if we forget about this, we will be fine, but no, we should have discuss about, he felt guilty and looked down.
-Asad, don't blame yourself, it was our fault too, she was under observation for week but we noticed nothing, she was recovering well especially because of you. No one could have detected her lack if she refused to talk about. We are all to be blame, Asad. Nisha tried to confort him.
-it's all my fault, Asad, you told me that Akram was killed by the police when we were in the hospital but I missed all the details. I didn't know that I will be haunted by dreams and that my mind will be confused for such a long time. Asad, I am sorry. I was looking for a reason why God did give us a child and slowly, this dream convinced me that I took someone's life that's why I didn't fall pregnant. I should have ask you and trust you, but I was afraid from the truth, so scared to loose you again.
-Zoya, you can't loose me, I love you
-I love you too, I love you so much
-And I love you both, replied Nisha to light the atmosphere and both chuckled softly. It's no one mistake guys, it was just written, and next time, try to talk, it always helps.
Zoya held thightly on his hand, looking at him with her puffy eyes and telling him how much she was sorry and grateful to have him. Asad, in turn, only told her that he will take care of her from now.
The next morning
The ray of the sun made his entry in their room, tickling her eyes. She felt light, those last two days unfolded all those unsaid words between them, it was vital for their couple to expose all those secrets that they kept in their heart. She carried a burden for 3 years for nothing and it spoiled her life with him. God has just delay this pregnancy to force her to disclose her secret to him and to trust him with his love. Their argument showed how both wanted to be parent, but the communication was garbled by hidden emotions. Their unspoken emotions, their fears and their expectations have been the source of this rift. She let out a long and deep breath, she understood that both of them were apart waiting for the other to come, but none of them did it because none of them were enough strong for two.
Her eyes still closed, she felt another sensation, another tickling on her neck and earlobe, she moaned soflty, her eyes still closed. She thought that she was dreaming when she heard his husky voice :
-good morning sweetheart
-Asad, she opened her eyes, to see him looking at her with so much love that brought tears to her eyes.
-How are you ? Did you sleep well ?
-I always sleep well when you are next to me, she replied tenderly, he pecked her lips. I'm going to prepare your breakfast, go and get prepare.
-wait , where you think you're going ? He stopped her from moving, covering her body with his.
Zoya felt her body burning with his closeness, she felt all her inside asking him to love her now.
-Aa..sad, it will be late for your breakfast
-let it be
-but your work ?
-let it be
-Asad, please
-Zoya, I have an important work now to do...with you, he smirked and she gulped.
-but your company ?
-I prefer yours
-Asad, she tried to push him, she blushed hardly, she felt herself like she was a new bride, how a pleasant sensation.
-I want to love you, I want to make love to my wife, because I missed her a lot, and I want my Zoya back and I will not wait until I found her.
-Asaa.., she stoped when he licked her neck, he stopped there, licking and teasing her soft spot.
She titled her head to give him access and slidded her hand into his hair and pushed him more.
-do you want me, Zoya ?
-yes, I want you, she titled her head back when he was in the crook of her neck. He slidded his hand under her top and reached her woman curve and teased her skin. He continued playing using his hand and mouth through her fabric, teasing her. She calling him almost in pain.
-why do you want me Zoya ? he asked her kissing her tummy
-because...she groaned
-tell me, Zoya, why do you want me ? He stopped, he wanted to make her understand that he wanted to please the woman and not to make her pregnant, he wanted as Zoya not as an obsessed machine for pregnancy.
-because I..love you, I missed you touch Asad
He removed her top in one shift motion and kissed her hungerly all over her naked body, he didn't let any inch without beeing marked by his assault. Zoya started to whimper and to move her body, slidding her nails into his shoulders. She missed her husband, she missed to be touch by her husband and to be love as a woman. She realized that she spent those last month focussing on the goal to be pregnant, and she didn't really enjoy all this moment of love with him. She accused him for loosing desire for her but the truth was that she didn't have herself desire for their love making. Today was something else, today was like at their beginning, where they used to love each other without pain and to give only love and to express throught their body.
She let a tear drop from her eyes, realizing how she was fooled all those month. She held his face and kissed him passionately.
-Asad make me yours like you did the first time, make me the most beautiful and desirable woman today, jaan
He smiled and kissed her back.
-finally, I found you,
They let finally their bodies played their favorite and familiar symphony, which they forget and lost during those last month. They found each other after so much of misunderstanding and verbal violence, they left behind them all those sad memories, and wrote a new page. The truth was that their love for each other never stopped, it was just hidden behind curtains of unsaid words. Asad and Zoya finally joined their "I love you" to an intense and passionately love making.
2 weeks later
Those two weeks was like revival for them, for their love and for their lives. She wasn't the same, She cried one night after making love with him, accepting her fate and he was there to confort her and to hold her. She freed herself from all this burden that she kept in her heart and she prayed Allah to give her enough fate and courage to accept his decision. She understood that intead foccussing on what she still didn't have, she had to take care for what she already had and forgot about. The things that are desired, prevents us from seeing what we already have and how there are enough for our happiness. Asad was always under her eyes, but her fear to loosing him, she focussed on the baby idea and not on their love, the only truth and strong bond between them until now, child will be just a bonus.
She decided to get back to work and Asad encouraged her, those two weeks, she saw something else and other persons. She appreciated to live her life on her side, to sometimes went out with her collegues, but always being with Asad in priority. Asad was happy to see her back again, he missed her laugh, her smiles, her jokes. She even gained weight those 2 weeks, they fed each other, they prepared dinner together, they tried to seduce each other like before, they even made love very often. He couldn't be happier. They didn't talk anymore about pregnancy, Zoya ranked the maternity books in the attic, she wanted to renew everything in the house, and she wanted to give a new meaning to their lives.
She was preparing herself in front of the mirror, when Asad held her from behind.
-Hi beautiful, he kissed her neck
-Hi Mister 6 packs, he giggled
-you know that it always give me dirty idea when I see you dress like this, he stared at her throught the mirror
-Asad, not now, I have to go somewhere and by the way, it's just a decent white dress.
-where you are going ? He frowned
-Possessive Mister Khan, she raised her eyebrows, he kept his face sternly waiting for her to answer, OK, I'm going to see Nisha.
-Zoya, please not again
-Asad, it's my routine chek-up, I'm not going for anything else, don't worry, she turned to face him, wrapping her arms around his neck, and I promise when I will come back, she came closer to his ears, I will put something less decent and more daring.
-mmh, why don't you just cancel this appointent and start now ?
-because I want to play and I prefer first to leave you with your imagination. She winked at him and left.
-it's going to be a long and hard waiting, Mrs Khan. She sent him a butterfly kiss and giggling at him.
In the evening
Asad was in office room, working at home, he heard Zoya calling him and replied telling her to join him. She came few minutes with a coffee and took balance on the edge of his desk.
-Don't tell me that you work all the day ? She rolled her eyes
-should I remind you how did you leave me ? I will leave you with your imagination , I couldn't focus that's why I worked a lot to ease my pain, he teased
-really, it's my fault now, she laughed
-exactly and I want compensation
-promise tonight, Asad, I was just thinking about something, I want to change the color of the wall, I can't not stand anymore those boring colors
-why they are pretty good and I like them, he said a bit upset
-Asad, it's so boring, white and grey, we should put more colors, let start by this room, she jumped on the table and stood up on his files, spreading her arms hapilly
-Zoya, get down please, NOW, you are walking on my files, get down now. He ordered looking helpless at his papers.
-bring me down, she challenged him
-Ok, he held her wirst and she fell on his strong arms. He held her tightly and posed her delicately on the floor, he came closer and Zoya closed her eyes in anticipation, but nothing came. He went back and arranged his papers.
-FINE, you know I will paint firstly your room, what do you want , Mister Asad Ahmed Khan ? She said mischeviously
-everything but not pink, I like blue
-why not pink, it's really a beautiful color, it's funny, girly
-this is EXACTELY why I don't want pink, it's where I work Zoya, if I have client how I will explain this kind of colors, ya Allah, I don't want to see some pinky winky color in this room, no way, I put a veto on this color
-so you prefer blue, so common, Mister Khan
-white and blue
-Ugh, not white again, pleaaase, she huffed
-white it's your favorite color, by the way
-yeah right, but I can't stand it anymore, I want something else
-no pink, I don't know how can we used this color, I will only tolerate this color for ba..He froze
-for the baby room ? She asked softly, he looked down, his tongue slipped, he didn't want to hurt her, they never talked about this and they were happy now. He smiled softly and held her shoulders
-you know what ? Who decreed that pink should just be for the baby's room, if you like pink, we will put in that room pink or mauve, green, purple or even a rainbow sky as long as you like it.
-but it's your office, Asad ?
-but you are my life, and I love all those colors that you put in my life, so I wanted to put them all, to show you how much I love you
She smiled and posed her hands on his chest, she looked up at him with teary eyes
-No, Asad, I will put blue, because you like it, he started to ripost but she stopped him by putting her hand on his mouth. I like blue, because you like it, I would like to have a blue that will be the color of the sky you draw in my heart since the day I met you. I'd like a blue that would have your eyes, I'd like a blue that would have your heart, your strength, your patience and your love. I would like blue who will love me like you do and I will love that blue because it is part of you... and me.
Asad didn't understand her words or maybe he didn't want to be disapointed to read between her lines. Zoya let her tears falling in cascade.
-Aasad, I'm pregnant, she let out a sobs
Asad didn't move, he didn't realize what she was saying. They used to be very disappointed when the test came back negative, he did not want false hope, now. They were back to normal.
-Are you sure, Zoya ? I mean..., he stepped back
-yes, Asad, Nisha made a test blood and it was positif, I'm pregnant for 5 weeks now. She laughed between her sobs
-are you sure, Zoya ? He repeated again, he wanted her to say it again, his tears reached his eyes
-yes, Asad, it works this time Allah has answered to our prayers
-you mean you and me, and... pinky winky ? She nodded vigorously, you mean, we...you and I are going to be parent...Finally?
Before she could answer, he held her and kissed her with happiness, and she responded passionatelly at him. Both cried and laughed at their new happiness and this unexpected entry but so long waited. He suddenly pushed her away from him and she gasped.
-are you mad?
-what?
-you just jump on my desk knowing that you are pregnant, what if something happen to both of you? He posed his hand on her tummy.
-nothing will happen because you were there with us, she wrapped his hand with her. We are going to be parent, Asad. When Nisha told me this, I fainted from joy, I even asked her to do it the test twice, and it was positive again.
- I still can't believe, he said honestly and his heart full with emotion.
-you have to believe now.
Zoya held him against her and posed her head on his chest, he needed to be confort. He sighed deeply and clasped his hands around her back.
-I love you so much Asad
-I love you twice now, and she chuckled at him.
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