Posted:
{How to Drive an Asad Insane}
By Zoya Farooqi
"Just take your dupatta, stuff it in you're kurta, blouse whatever it's called and do as I say."
"Mr. Khan 'That Sure Thing' maine bhi dekhi hui hai. You're so mainstream, kuch different karte hai."
"Let me get this straight. You want to get creative in the middle of the road while we are freakin STRANDED!?!"
"Not creative just more believable. And I don't want anyone to think I was stupid enough to sleep with you AND not allow you to use a condom."
"Cond... Yeh baat tumne kahan se kahan la ke rakh di!" He scolded her, "And anyways, it doesn't have to be an unplanned pregnancy," he mumbled.
"So you want people to think I WANTED to have a baby with you."
"No I'm just saying that it doesn't have to be an unplanned pregnancy."
"But I'm not pregnant!!!"
"I know that!"
"Toh phir kyun mujhe maa banane pe tule hue ho?"
"What the hell? Main toh woh hypothetical situation ko leke bol raha tha!"
"Konsa hypothetical situation?"
"Ya Allah!"
"Ab isme Allah ko kyun beech main laarahe ho. Mujhe tumhare saath defective bache paida nahi karne toh nahi karne! Don't worry Mr. Khan tumhe koi na koi aur mil hi jayegi."
"DEFECTIVE BACHE?"
"Of course, I mean dekho, we're so different from each other na? If we had kids becharo ko split personality disorder nahi hota?"
"That's not how it works Zoya!"
"Oh ho ho ho...! So now Mr. Virgin is going to tell me about human reproductive system?"
"VIRGIN? Who told you I'm a virgin?"
"I mean you seem pretty inexperienced when we have that intense eye sex with the background music."
"EYE SEX?"
"Don't tell me you're not mentally undressing me every time you pull that poker face with the Ishq Pe Zor Nahi playing in the background."
"I.. Uh... Well you're a virgin too so shut up."
"So that means YOU DO MENTALLY UNDRESS ME WHEN WE'RE HAVING EYE SEX!"
"MOVING ON."
"Is that a blush I see creeping on your face Mr. Khan."
"No Mrs. Khan!"
"Mrs. Khan?"
"Character main bol raha hoon!"
"Why can't the characters be Mr. and Mrs. Farooqi?"
"Because I'm not YOUR pregnant wife, you're pretending to be MY pregnant wife."
"But why? I think aap baby bumb ke saath kafi cute lagenge."
"OK that's it. I wasn't gonna say this but ALLAH MIYA WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU! Have you freakin LOST YOUR MIND WOMAN!"
"Woh toh bachpan main hi kho gaya tha, uska kuch nahi ho sakta hai." She explained nonchalantly.
He was ready to smash his head into a tree.
"You know what? MUJHE BHI tumhare saath defective bache peda nahi karne hai! Good bye and good riddance!" He walked off.
"Mr. Khan!! Rukiye na!" She called out.
Ab line pe ayi maharani.
"What?" he turned around acting pricey.
"Mera dupatta toh de dijiye," she pointed to her green dupatta that was in his hands.
"Tum...! No, main nahi doonga, kya karlogi tum?" He was beyond frustrated.
"Par aapko mera dupatta leke kya milega? Apne toh acha khasa kurta pehen ke rakha hai! Mr. Khan aapko zara sa bhi fashion sense..."
"CHUP!!!!!!!!! Mujhe apne aap ko phasi peh latkane ke liye chahiye! OK!"
"Rukye! Mr. Khan!"
"Ab kya hai!"
"Main aapki help kardoon?"
He had reached the peak of his toleration. Turning around he gave Zoya the death stare, he looked like he was about to explode.
"You're doing it again."
"WHAT?"
"The eye sex. You're doing it again."
"EYE SEX?"
"And now you're probably mentally undressing me again."
"I'm mentally und- Okay maybe I am but..."
"It's ok, I understand. Some people are just not manly enough to 'do it' in reality."
"Are you questioning my manliness?"
"You mean you're nonexistent manliness? YES!"
"Bhaisahab lift chahiye?" A truck driver who had been standing there for the past five minutes asked.
"Nahi! Aapko sharam nahi aati mia biwi ke beech ane ki? Jaaye jahan se! Jao!" Asad shooed him away.
The truck drive prayed a silent prayer for the couple that had clearly lost their minds and then left.
"Toh kahan the hum? Haan nonexistent manliness, how dare you!"
"Agar manliness hoti toh tum humesha ais sharmili dulhan ki tarha thodi behave karte!"
"SHARMILI DULHAN! That's it!" He picked her up on his back.
"Mr. Khan, aap mujhe kahan le jaa rahe hain?"
"Behind those trees. We're doing this old school."
"But Mr. Khan!"
"What?"
"I thought aapne suicide ka plan cancel kardiya tha."
***
I am sick and when I'm sick shit like this is often produced.
LOL I'm not responsible for any brain cells lost!
-Shweta
To read an actual piece of mine on AsYa click this link: https://www.indiaforums.com/forum/qubool-hai/3403326/os-suffocation-part-ii-indifference-on-pg-4
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
Geet - Hui Sabse Parayee
