FF: Adrift Completed Feb 3rd 2014 - Page 7

RK lay on his bed at his home, vacantly staring the ceiling. At some point the previous day, Bittuji had escorted RK from the hospital to his house, with muffled instructions to others in the house to not disturb him. RK didn't know, didn't remember what exactly had happened. He was alive, but he was surprised that he was, because there was no reason to be. His world had shattered completely, his life had ended with Madhu. And like a fool, he didn't even realize when it happened. Suddenly, he realized something and woke up with a start, looking all around the room

"Maa! Dipali!" RK yelled at the top of his voice, not knowing where this sudden burst of energy had come from. Sure enough, Radha, Dipali and other actors of the theatre of Kundra House came running up in a few minutes.

"RK.."

"Where did all of Madhu's pictures go from this room?" RK bellowed, pointing at the blank walls.

"Rk..umm..woh.."Radha tried to say something. Dipali, meanwhile, sighed in fear. Sensing her opportunity to get back into RK's life, she had got all memories of Madhu thrown out from the room when Madhu had disappeared and RK finally seemed to have gotten over her. Gathering some courage, she started, "Madhu...RK why do you care about that b***h? Nobody in this house should have anything to do with her. She left..."

"Dipali! Do not dare. I want everything back just the way it was, understand. In one hour."

Rk choked." Madhu...Madhu...did not leave. I k..i...lled her."

RK broke down, the screams, the hysterical tears that were bottled in thus far, finally escaping from him.

Darkness was RK's best friend these days. Perhaps his only friend. He had been confined to his room for the last week. The eventual news of Madhu's death had elicited a whole spectrum of reactions in the household, but RK had sternly kept them all away. Radha, the only one who felt somewhat sad and guilty, had tried to talk to RK and comfort him many times, mostly at the pretext of trying to feed him, but RK had shunned her away. She had also been to see Padmini, and even tried to shift her to better care facilities, but Trishna firmly resisted. RK had no guts to face either Padmini or Trishna. Or himself.

He drove everyone away. Everyone in this house, including he himself, had hated Madhu and made her feel so lonely and helpless that she couldn't live. Everyone was a criminal, and nobody should ever stop suffering for it, thought RK. Past memories haunted him. His marriage to Madhu, his real marriage to Madhu, how she had always been there for him as his wall even in the worst of times, how he had blamed her for her miscarriage, how he had hated her for her success, her pale face the last time he saw her, how he had cheated on her...

Several times he had been tempted to find temporary relief from his pain in alcohol, but he reminded himself that he deserved no relief, no matter how temporary, how ephemeral. He had killed Madhu. That was the only truth of his life, something he was destined to live with the rest of his, hopefully short, life.

Bittuji did not come again, and RK was not surprised. He was sure Bittuji didn't hate RK more than he hated himself. The only one RK waited for now, was death.

RK was in his studio. Dipali had been pestering him on some random pretext, and he lost it. Her fake deceitful ways were all too obvious to him. He had slapped her, and asked her and Sikki to leave the house. Pabho had tried to intervene, and he had curtly told her to leave too, within the next one hour. He had realized over the last few days, how much those two had troubled Madhu while she was alive. He couldn't stand any of them. Frustrated, he drove out to the studio to be away while they all were still packing. This was the first time he had left house in a month.

The studio was empty, but memories of another life were everywhere. RK sat there for several hours, wallowing in guilt.

Several hours later, he woke up in a hospital. He had crashed his car on the way home, but had still survived. Radha was by his side, hysterical and relieved at the same time. RK had suffered major injuries, but would be fine. RK smiled, unsurprised at fate's cruelty, and slipped back into medicine induced sleep.

The next time he woke up, it was dark. He found Bittuji sitting next to him.Sensing his movement, Bittuji leapt up to him

"Chief! Are you ok? Do you need anything?"

"Bittuji..." RK said faintly, then smiled.

"You know what I need. Death. Peace. But death hates me too. Besides, it wouldn't be punishment enough, letting me off so easy."

Bittuji held his hand, not knowing what to say.

RK continued. "Bittuji, you know, I used to think I was a superstar. Invincible. Confident. Who can do anything. Who can get anything. But all I am...all I ever was...was a worthless scum. I don't know why Madhu loved me the way she did. I certainly did not deserve it. I ill-treated her, forced her into marrying me, but somehow, somewhere, she found it in herself to forgive me and to love me with a passion so pure, it even thawed my cold evilness for some time. She made me see the meaning of love, of life, of trust for some time. I was so happy, Bittuji. But then I forgot. I forgot everything she taught me and became consumed with my self-obsession. Me, me, me. That is all I ever cared for. I always took. I never learnt to give. And Madhu always gave. I wanted Madhu all to myself, and she gave herself to me. But I wasn't satisfied. It was never enough. I was jealous of her. I didn't trust her. I killed our love. I killed our child. And I killed her.

I don't know why I am still alive. Probably to be punished for my sins. But what I really don't get is how am I still alive. How did my breathing not break off when my heart did. If Madhu is really gone, how am I still breathing. It does not make sense. She was my soulmate. How can someone be alive without their soul. Or maybe...maybe I am a soulless wretch.

Yeah, I am. I am the worst kind. My Madhu wasn't weak. She was a sherni. She was a true fighter. But I killed her spirit, before I killed her. I killed her faith, I killed her will in life.That is a crime beyond redemption.

No wonder even death wouldn't touch me."

Really felt for RK.. awww is so shattered...

luved the update...