Part 30: One Step Ahead
He cried like he had the day she left five years ago. When he had confessed that he loved her. When he had begged her to stay. When she had asked him to let her go. When she had asked him not to look for her. When she asked him to free her of the pain that living with him brought.
And like a slap in the face, Khushi's mind gave up the fight, and she realized exactly what the nightmares were about.
She patted his shoulders and rubbed his back soothingly, waiting for him to stop crying. She felt a couple of tears escaping her own eyes. She raked her brain frantically, trying to find something to say, something she could do to make it better. Nothing. Nothing came to her so she just sat there until his sobs subsided a little bit. For the first time in life, seeing Arnav in this state, Khushi was rendered speechless.
Eventually, his sobs eased out. His breathing was ragged, very similar to a child who had been crying for a long time. He pulled apart, finally realizing what he had done. He averted his gaze and absolutely refused to look at Khushi. He decided to look at her knee instead. Her hand, on its own accord, moved up and wiped his cheeks and then cupped his face.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, bracing himself for the questions he knew would come his way. But before he said anything, a scared voice spoke from the doorway, startling both Arnav and Khushi.
"Mamma?" Aditya asked questioningly, looking worried, with a quiet and concerned looking Amber standing next to him. Khushi forced a smile at her kids and they walked in. Aditya looked at Arnav's bloodshot eyes; his tear stained face, and turned back to Khushi worriedly.
"Why is buddy crying?" Aditya whispered sounding sad.
Khushi swallowed a painful lump in her throat. "H-he had a n-nightmare." She said in a quiet voice, observing Arnav for his reaction. She saw him wince quietly and that confirmed her doubts. He didn't want her to know about these nightmares...ever.
Amber looked between Khushi and Arnav, unsure of what to say while Aditya ran out of the room. Arnav's eyes followed him just so that he wouldn't have to look at Khushi. Once he was out of sight, his eyes went back to rest on her knee.
Amber looked absolutely bewildered. She had never seen a grown up man crying this way and she didn't like seeing her buddy crying like that. Aditya returned, his footsteps clapping on the floor. He climbed onto the bed and put a stuffed dinosaur in Arnav's lap.
"His name is Rocco. When I have nightmares, I hug him and it makes everything better." Aditya said cutely.
Aditya looked at Arnav expectantly but Arnav just looked at the small patterns in the bed sheet. He could feel Khushi's eyes on him and he just wished that she would ask the questions already.
"Hmm...I think I know what will make your buddy feel better..." Khushi gestured her kids to come closer and whispered something in their ear.
Amber and Aditya nodded at each other and the next moment, Arnav found himself in a group hug with Amber and Aditya. It was a simple gesture but it seemed to take away the horrible feeling within seconds. Some unknown wave of peace engulfed him and the morning didn't seem so bad suddenly. Khushi smiled at the three of them and stood up to leave. He still wouldn't look at her. Khushi ran her fingers through his hair for a couple of seconds before leaving the room.
Khushi headed to the kitchen and got started on the breakfast to keep herself busy. To keep herself from going back into that guestroom.
He had nightmares. It had something to do with her leaving. Even in his dreams, he was asking her to stay, to come back. His pained voiced, agonized expressions, the plea in every word he spoke. The way he had screamed her name as he woke up. The way he had shattered in front of her. The man who was always in control of his emotions and what his face expressed had fallen apart.
For long minutes, she thought about this over and over again.
Maybe this is why he keeps holding back. Maybe these dreams remind him of what he's done and why you left. Regular reminders are bound to keep his guilt from ceasing and that's why he keeps saying he doesn't deserve this chance. That's why he is scared to initiate anything. That's why he seeks permission for everything. Because he's afraid. Afraid that you'll be upset if he made an advance, maybe? Scared that you may leave again? Scared that he'll hurt you again without meaning to do so? Scared to lose you one more time?
Her inner monologue came to an abrupt end as she heard footsteps approaching the kitchen.
The aroma of pancakes and French toast had filled the air as the three ASRs made their way into the kitchen. Arnav was in much better spirits. Amber and Aditya's company had definitely improved his mood and had pushed away the awkwardness from this morning away. His mood only got better when Khushi smiled wide at the three of them and settled down to have breakfast.
Breakfast was a light hearted event with happy chatter and giggles. Arnav kept stealing glances at Khushi, expecting her to question him any moment now. She was acting oddly normal. He had expected her to become upset. As much as he knew her, she would feel guilty for him having nightmares even if it wasn't her fault. He didn't want to tell her not only because of that but also because he didn't want her to do anything out of pity. He wanted her to give their relationship another chance because she wanted to not because she felt sorry for him. But here she sat, acting like nothing had happened this morning.
"Oh...after breakfast get your aprons..." She spoke to the kids.
"Why mamma?" Amber questioned with raised eyebrows.
Arnav felt that this was another one of their routine things so he didn't pay too much attention and started sipping his coffee.
"What do you mean why? I thought you wanted me to teach your buddy how to make jalebis." Khushi replied seriously.
Arnav choked on his coffee and spluttered, making Amby and Adi laugh. He looked at her with wide eyes. Him making Jalebis? Today?? What the?!
But despite his protests, fifteen minutes later, he found himself donning an apron and holding a spatula. Khushi set out a bowl and its ingredients. Amber and Aditya acted as Arnav's helpers while Khushi walked him through her recipe of a chocolate fudge cake. Once the batter was poured into baking pan, they got started on the jalebi batter. Once the batter was ready to go, Khushi walked him through the syrup recipe and approved it after tasting it.
"Alright...time to step out Amby and Adi." Khushi announced as he put a frying pan full of oil onto the stove. For safety measures, she always kept the little ones out of the kitchen when she was frying anything.
Arnav picked up the bundle of cloth which contained the batter and took a deep breath. Khushi looked at him contemplating his next move and laughed.
"It's really not that difficult. Just make swirls in the oil..." Khushi gestured the action to him, suggesting him to follow.
Arnav made a swirl of jalebi batter in the oil and it fell apart into a squiggly line almost immediately. Fifteen minutes later, Khushi shook her head at him and took a step closer. She covered his hand with hers and showed him how to make jalebis properly.
Did she really think he could pay attention to a single word she was saying with her standing so close to him and with his hand in hers? Arnav slapped himself mentally and tried to keep his mind focused on the task at hand but his mind decided it didn't want to listen to Arnav today. First it strayed thinking about the way her hand was gripping his. Then it drifted to her and how close she was standing to him. Then it drifted to the floral yet fruity scent that was Khushi's trademark. Then it drifted to those lucky tendrils that had escaped her messy bun and caressed her cheeks.
"No! You're leaving too much gap...see when you make the swirls...make sure the circles are closer together." She moved a bit closer, her right shoulder effectively tucked into him and he moved behind slightly to give her more room as she demonstrated once more. She glanced at him to make sure he got it and that was when Arnav Singh Raizada was busted. She'd caught him staring at her. He had been too slow to look away and now she knew that he was paying more attention to her than the jalebis.
"Pay attention." She tried to sound stern but failed as she felt blood rushing to her cheeks. She turned away in an attempt to hide her face lest he see her blushing. Arnav shook himself mentally and tried, miserably, to get back to this horrendous lesson that was making jalebis.
Arnav somewhat got the hang of how to make the shape but by the time he managed to pull out the fried jalebis from the oil, they were burnt or wouldn't stay in their usual spiral shape. Arnav groaned in frustration.
"You make it look so easy!" He complained as Khushi demonstrated for him once again.
"You're thinking about it too much. Just drop some of the batter in tight circles, take out the first one you made, put it in the syrup, make the next swirl and repeat." She sounded like an annoyed teacher as she handed the pouch back to him.
Another few minutes and countless attempts later, Arnav finally managed to fry one perfect jalebi. An hour and a half since they'd started making jalebis and he'd managed to make one perfect jalebi. Better than nothing. Khushi cheered and patted his shoulder. Amazed at his success, Arnav fried jalebi after jalebi until they ran out of the batter. Now he finally understood why Khushi made jalebis when she was upset. Something about the act was oddly calming--once you got the hang of it.
He watched her pull out a piping hot jalebi from the syrup and take a big bite out of it. She closed her eyes and smiled as she relished the flavour.
Arnav smiled at her and went back to taking out the last batch of jalebis from the syrup. Khushi smiled to herself as she looked at him. She just wanted to take his mind off of the nightmare and this jalebi making task had done that for her. Jalebis to the rescue again! She was glad that he had pushed away the nightmare out of his mind. Or so she thought.
"So you did this to distract me or to cheer me up?" He questioned her without looking at her.
"Both." She replied simply.
"Why aren't you questioning me?" He turned to her, suddenly very serious.
Khushi's eyes widened and her mouth formed into the perfect o'. She recovered within a couple of seconds.
"Questioning you about what?" She managed to ask.
Arnav sighed and leaned against the counter. "About this morning. I know you have questions...I'm just wondering why you haven't asked any of them."
Khushi smiled sadly. "Have I ever forced you to share something you didn't want to? It was so clear from the way you reacted last night that you don't want me to know what these dreams are about so I'm not going to put you in a difficult situation by asking you the questions on my mind. You can tell me when you want to...if you want to."
Arnav looked at her dumbfounded. He was sure she would question him as soon as she found an opportunity.
"How come you were there this morning...when I woke up from the...dream?" Arnav followed her terminology and refrained from using the term nightmare'.
Khushi averted her gaze. "Look...I'm sorry I came into your room without your permission. I can't tell you why...I don't know myself. I was just so curious and...and worried ever since I found out about the medication and the dreams...I just wanted to make sure that you were sleeping properly and I was going to leave once I made sure...but then you turned over and I heard you mumbling..."
Arnav stiffened and his breath hitched. What did she hear? No. He didn't speak out loud during the nightmares, did he? He knew he woke up screaming for Khushi but apart from that, he didn't say anything, did he?! Khushi saw the change in his stance and expression. She reached out, took his hand, and clasped it in both of hers.
"I don't know why you didn't want me to know about this but I have the general idea, Arnav. And I..."
"I didn't want you to pity me." Arnav blurted, cutting her off.
She just looked at him, slightly surprised that she had gotten anything out of him.
"I've been seeing pity in the eyes of the family...Akash, Payal, Mama, Mami...everyone...sometimes even Aman looks at me pitifully and I can't stand it! I can't stand it when they feel sorry for me because I deserve all of this! It's a part of my punishment and I've accepted it. I didn't want you to find out because knowing you and that pure heart you possess, you would have pitied my state and then talked yourself into giving me another chance...I didn't want a pity chance...I wanted to earn this opportunity."
Khushi felt one of the many emotions rise again for the man standing in front of her. This time, it was respect. He was right. If she had known about his nightmares and the agony which he put up with because of them, her heart would have melted and she would have convinced herself to give him a chance out of pity. But he hadn't used that to his advantage. He had tried to keep this piece of information from her because he didn't want to influence her decision in any manner. The new found respect for him added a little more strength to her decision.
She couldn't and she wouldn't explain what she did next. Not to him, not to herself, not to anyone else. S
till holding onto his hand, she went on her toes and kissed his cheek, her lips lingering on his skin just a tad longer than she had intended. She saw surprise written all over his face when she pulled back. If only she had a hint of the storm brewing inside him. To say he was shocked at her gesture would be an understatement. His cheek felt like it was on fire, his lungs would give up their normal rhythms much like his heart had. Unable to move a single muscle, he just looked at her with wide eyes.
"You did earn it, Arnav." She saw happiness flicker in his eyes and she knew she had told him exactly what he was yearning to hear. "And like I've said before...it's not going to be easy for either one of us...and I know you said you're not going to give up when we face challenges...but if you ever do feel like giving up, I want you to think back on today. Making jalebis is a lot like living life, sometimes."
No matter how much you try, sometimes things just fall apart and there is nothing you can do to prevent that." Khushi nodded towards the plate of jalebis that were broken in pieces and not in the perfect shape.
"Sometimes things get ruined and there's nothing you can do to change that..." Her gaze lingered over to the plate of burnt and scorched jalebis.
"But persistence, dedication, and honest efforts with a little bit of guidance will get you where you want to be." She looked at the platter of perfect jalebis and then turned to smile at him.
They stared at each other for a few seconds and then a small smile tugged at his lips once his mind processed her analogy.
Whatever had happened in the past, she couldn't have done anything to prevent it. Now that it had happened, there was nothing he could do to change it. but with persistence, dedication, honest efforts, and a little bit or...hell, a lot of guidance from her will get them where they needed to be. Where they both wanted to be.
He took a step forward and his arm rose up familiarly but then he stopped and pulled back. Khushi shook her head at him and smiled. Though she respected the fact that he sought permission before touching her in any way, it was about time he stopped asking for this particular gesture.
She knew he had given her the liberty to draw the lines and he had made it clear that he'll abide by them. She also knew that he had left it up to her to erase those lines when she wanted, when she was ready. She was leading and he was following...for now. And at this moment, she knew she was ready to finally erase this particular line.
"Arnav...after all the hugs I've given you in the last month, I think it's okay if you give me one...for a change." She teased, taking him by surprise.
Before Arnav could go ahead and give her a hug though, Aditya poked his head into the kitchen and sniffed audibly.
"Are they done mamma?"
Khushi let go of Arnav's hand and took a step back. Arnav smiled widely at him, picked up the plate of jalebis, walked up to Aditya who met him halfway through the kitchen and knelt in front of him. Much like Khushi had done earlier; Aditya picked up a jalebi and stuffed the whole thing in his mouth.
"These are so good!" Aditya picked up another one and gobbled it up. Khushi chuckled looking at him.
"Definitely took after you in this matter." Arnav looked over his shoulder at Khushi.
Khushi chuckled and shrugged. Amber walked in and made a face at the jalebis.
"Mamma, where's the cake?" She looked at the jalebis and then at Aditya, scrunching up her nose. Arnav laughed and shook his head at the contrast between the two.
"Oh! Do you need another healing kiss today, buddy?" Amber asked as her eyes fell on the band aid on his finger.
Arnav's mind instantly rewinded back a few minutes and he recalled why his cheek was still tingly.
He smirked. "I already got one today."
Amber hugged nonchalantly while Arnav's heart was eager to see Khushi's reaction. He could almost best his life that she was blushing. He was right, but he didn't look at her to see.
Khushi had just gotten started on lunch when the doorbell rang. Leaving the father and the twins in the kitchen, Khushi went to get the door.
"Khushi!!" Anjali cheerfully threw her arms around Khushi's shoulders as soon as the door opened.
Khushi hugged her back and raised her eyebrows at Aman who stood behind her, carrying Ishan. His eyes nervously flitted across the room behind Khushi.
"He's in the kitchen...and don't worry...He won't yell at you." Khushi smirked at Aman and she let them in. How the three of them had showed up together would be a point of discussion with aman and anjali later. For now, khushi just smiled knowingly at them, making them squirm a little.
The kitchen was full of chatter and clatter for the next couple of hours as Khushi and Anjali cooked up a lunch. Their conversations carried out smoothly over lunch. Aman was shocked when he found out that the jalebis he'd loved so much were made by his Boss. Anjali complimented Arnav on his culinary skills too.
Their afternoon consisted of the usual conversations and light laughter. Arnav admired Khushi's expertise with babies as she sat with Ishan for a good chunk of the time.
Anjali wasn't oblivious to the progress between the husband and the wife. Her eyes always caught the small gestures; Khushi placing her hand on his arm casually, the soft glances they stole at each other, Arnav's eyes being glued to Khushi's face as she played with Ishan. And Anjali could swear upon anything that at one point, she had seen Khushi take hold of Arnav's hand for a few seconds.
Anjali, however, was oblivious to similar glances she was getting from Aman. Lately they'd been spending some time together. When Aman babysat Amber and Aditya for Arnav and Khushi's dates, sometimes Anjali joined him with Ishan. Sometimes he visited Angad and Kripa's house during the day when they were at work, on the pretense of discussing Arnav and Khushi. And now as they sat there, Aman tried to muster the courage to ask her out but he knew he'd have to be careful. He knew next to nothing about her past. She was a single mother and he wasn't sure how she'd react to his advancement.
Arnav and Aman were left with the kids as Khushi and Anjali got started on dinner in the afternoon. The day was flying by and Khushi found herself getting restless. Would he stay tonight too, or would he leave? Did she want him to stay? She didn't know. She would be seeing him at work the next day anyway. She was too busy with her inner debate to listen to what Anjali was going on about. But Khushi's attention suddenly focused on the new entry into the kitchen. Arnav.
"Ishan's being difficult...Aman's freaking out." He announced.
Anjali walked out of the kitchen and Arnav took her position.
"Do you need help here?" He asked casually.
"No...We were almost done." Khushi focused on the carrots on the cutting board, lest her face give away what she was thinking about.
"Hmm...I guess I should pack up my stuff before dinner..." He stated, leaning on the counter next to her.
Khushi stopped dicing the carrots and looked at him, unsure of what her face illustrated.
"I overheard Adi and Amby making plans about making me stay another day so you can almost bet that they'll come ask you." Arnav held her gaze for a few seconds. "I want you to say no."
The knife slipped from Khushi's hand and she ended up cutting herself. She hissed in pain and instinctively, Arnav grabbed her hand and put her index finger in his mouth. A thousand butterflies were unleashed in Khushi's stomach at the contact.
"Careful, Khushi!" He hissed and he pressed her fingertip between his lips again. A few seconds later, he looked at it to look for the cut.
"Are you okay...does it hurt?" He looked at the finger closely. "I don't see the cut."
Khushi bit her lower lip and a small smile appeared on her face. She cleared her throat and held up her other hand to show the finger that was actually injured. She saw him looking back and forth between the hand he was holding and the hand she was holding up. Khushi and Arnav both broke into chuckles at his act. Suddenly, Arnav felt embarrassed at what he'd done. He hadn't asked for her permission. He let go of her hand and watched her pick up a tissue paper and press it over the tiny cut.
"I'm okay...this will be healed by tomorrow." She informed him when he looked at her warily, his hand itching to reach out and take her hand in his to make sure.
But he wouldnt let himself slip again. So, he nodded and left the kitchen awkwardly as he saw laughter lingering in her eyes.
Enough embarrassment for one day, Arnav. First the nightmare, then the jalebi fiasco, then the failed attempt at giving her a hug and now this.
He kicked himself mentally as he walked into the guestroom.
Dinner was over much too soon to Arnav's dismay. Their after dinner coffee was over even faster. The moment to leave was coming closer at light speed. At last, Anjali and Aman stood to take leave.
"I'll drop her at Kripa's. I'll see you at home ASR." He nodded to Arnav and after a short exchange of hugs, they were gone. Leaving Arnav and Khushi standing in the doorway.
"I guess I should head home too. I wouldn't want to be late to work and anger my boss..." Arnav said light heartedly.
"Why did you make me say no to the kids?" Khushi asked, coming straight to the point.
"I dont want a repeat of what happened this morning..." Arnav looked away.
"Arnav...I told you I--" She started but he cut her off, for the second time that day.
"And because It's hard enough leaving right now...it would be just harder if I stay more." Arnav shrugged.
Khushi, as usual, understood him. He knew he couldn't stay here forever. They were still working things out. And she had the feeling that it had more to do with the nightmares fiasco than the latter reason. Maybe he didn't want her to find out more than she already had. She nodded at him, knowing that no words were needed to let him know that she understood him.
Recalling her words in the kitchen earlier, he gathered every ounce of courage he had. He took a step forward and wrapped his arms around her lightly. The nervousness faded as he felt her arms go around him, too. She smiled to herself. This, then, was clear. He could give her a hug without upsetting her. That was progress, one line erased.
Khushi, however, had been surprising him all weekend and she wasn't about to stop now. So, as they were pulling apart, much like she had in the kitchen earlier in the day, she turned her head at the right time and placed a light kiss on his cheek.
He'd made progress, sure...but Khushi, once again, was one step ahead of him.
Mannat Har Khushi Paane Ki
Arjun
Cricket
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