I will never say goodbye
Delhi was beautiful at night. The lights flickering in the darkness served as a song. It blinks with each pulse of your heart.
Heart. That was what delhi was about. It's the heart of everything. Everyone moves in unison. Even in the crowds the unity is visible. They beat as one.
Like her friend Rahul always says its dil-li not delhi.
But how could she tell him that it doesn't make difference if her heart wasn't with her. She left that in Mumbai. It had been condemned and irretrievable. Instead she placed a rock where her heart used to be, that way she couldn't possibly hurt again... never again.
But the hurt already caused was permanent. It was cursed to serve as reminder that love can only give pain and nothing else.
She would never cry again, that much she knew. Tears would translate to weakness and if there is one thing Taani Shekewat is not, it is weak.
So that night she did what she always did when she felt the urge to cry. She bit into her lips. Rey had thought her that to control tears. That trick usually worked but she just knew deep down, one day the barrier of her strength will be broken down by the sheer amount of pain she harboured behind her smile.
One day her mask will fall off.
~
Laughter wasn't the same without her. Yet he still had to fake it. Only because of that promise he made to her. Behind closed doors he would return to the shell of what he used to be.
He knew the mask was slipping off.
Without her days seemed empty and nights seemed prolonged. He never did get sleep. Sleep eluded him, just like she did. She swept away all his happiness, his peace, his heart...with just one stroke.
He didn't think it was possible. He never began to imagine the actual pain he could handle. But he did. The only reason for his living was gone but he still had to live. He survived on her memories. The way she laughed, the way she felt against him, the way their hands fit like two pieces of a puzzle just waiting to be solved.
~
It's on these days that she would sit with Rahul and listen to his lame jokes. He was the closest thing she had to home but it wasn't the same.
Home was where the heart is and as far as she was concerned, she didn't posses one.
Rahul wasn't here; he was in Goa for a student programme. Only the top students were selected. The truth was she didn't tell Rahul that she was selected; she knew he would force her to go.
How could she tell him the reason she wouldn't go was because Goa brought so many memories? She was just too close to being broken, she couldn't take the risk but she knew she was shattered inside. The only thing that wasn't visible was the fine lines it created.
She decided to do the next best thing. She took out her phone and took in a deep breath.
~
He sat by the mirror in the rehearsal hall where everything started. Where Taani became vulnerable, where he became sure that she was his and he was hers. He wanted so badly just to relive those moments.
Swayam waved at him telling him that he was heading out. He smiled back at him or at least tried to. Swayam could see right through him. With one last worried glance he left Rey alone in his own grief.
He was pretty used to wallowing in his own misery. The silence and darkness suited him. So when he heard the phone ringing he was jolted out of his thoughts and into a horrible reality without Taani.
Realizing the phone was Swayam's he started to call out to him when he glanced at the phone.
His heart started palpitating.
Taani is calling?
It felt like an eternity since he could breathe. He knew Swayam kept contact with Taani, he had seen him talking to her a number of times... then he was just glad that Taani was safe but now, now he knew he couldn't let this chance go.
~
Finally the incessant ringing had stopped and Swayam had finally answered her call. She was about to say hello when she heard the voice from the other side.
Hello?
It was Rey... she just knew it was him. She could tell from the rasp in his voice. He sounded exactly the same. She closed her eyes in pure bliss.
"Hello Taani are you there?"
That was when she realized she wasn't dreaming.
You know the feeling you get when you waited a long time for ice-cream and you finally take the first bite? You let it savour in your tongue and melt away into your throat only feel the magic disappear after it slides down your gullet.
That was exactly how she felt. She swallowed hard on a sob and let out an inaudible gasp after realizing what she was doing.
She knew what she had to do next.
~
Taani was about to hang up on him, he could feel it. He felt the panic course through him as he gave one last exasperated attempt.
"Taani wait! Please don't hang up on me."
He could literally hear her biting down on her lips. He was the one who thought her that. She remembered that. He knew she still loved him.
"Taani can we please just talk for one minute? I promise I won't ever try to talk to you again...please I need this."
He could her pause and then take a deep breath in as she does when she gets confused. She hasn't changed a bit.
"One minute."
At that moment he knew how it feels when heaven opens its doors. He could say a million things at that moment. How nothing is ever the same without her. How the stars cause him pain because it reminded him too much of her. How when he cried himself to sleep he would imagine her beside him. But he chose to say what was most important.
"I still love you."
There wasn't much of a pause. It was as if she was holding the answer within her for centuries.
"I know you do."
There was silence... as if there was nothing but to be said.
~
"You know long distance relationships work too... I want to see your dil-li too..."
She giggled. She wanted to tell him so many things...that that was the first time she laughed whole-heartedly, that she wished she could see him smile after she laughed, that she wanted nothing more than to grow weak and take him up on his offer.
She glanced at her watch...one minute was up.
"Goodbye Rey..."
she choked back on the tears threatening to blur her vision.
"I will never say goodbye Taani and you know that ..."
And that was that. No amount of lip biting could ever have stopped her tears from running wild. After all these months of holding her tears in, she finally let go.
~
He heard her sob through the phone. It was a different feeling hearing her cry through the phone. He so badly wanted to string her in his arms and say that everything will be alright. But he couldn't. That feeling of helplessness was worse than anything else he had ever felt. Tears ran rampant as he cuddled the phone in between his neck pretending it was Taani. He could only pretend.
~
Soon both regained control of themselves and tuned themselves in quietly to listen to each other's breathing...conveying messages through the phone the way they used to do with their eyes. They could get used to this. Having this was better than having to live without each other.
"So Rey, when are you coming over?"
This long distance thing really does work...especially when you are so in love.
Udne Ki Aasha
