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that day when i saw u on the ventilator i did not cry .just shivered a little and slowly made my way out of the ICU ,still hoping that whatever i heard about u was false,that u will recover somehow.bcoz u were breathing .so what if it was due to the ventilator .miracles happen.i was waiting for mine to happen. i could not just let you go .that was impossible .pappa was crying bitterly ,even ba was crying .neil who never cried was trying to hide his tears .but you know tears never flow with our consent, they are uncontrollable .finally when you died after fighting with that diseases for what seems like forever to me.my small little world crashed with such sudden ruthlessness that i was left hanging between helplessness ,shocked numbess .i wanted to kill everyone who was saying that you were no more.how could that happen ? i was meeting you after two whole days!! there was so much to say .there still is so much to say.i know i left no stone unturned to be an first class as*.But the fact remains the same .I loved you dammit .i still do.i loved fighting with u , for u.i loved hating u. i loved loving u. i miss ur concern .i miss how u cared. i miss our quarrels .i miss ur slaps.i miss those days when u woke me up .i miss waking u up .i still feel scared of things which i was always scared of.but this time u r not there to encourage me.i hate those pitiful glances i get.every where i go. Don't they have any other work than dishing out advises i never asked for. will they ever stop telling me how i should behave in a responsible way now that ur gone .how i should leave everything and do all the things a girl in my situation should do. they show their fake sympathy and then ask me questions which are too personal and none of their business . everyone at classes think im an retard even people at college think the same. im tired of running away .plz help me. i am still not able to accept.but its getting difficult to deny now.its getting difficult to live.but dont worry i will live .for you .that's the least i could do .when you died you thought that i never loved you.that i dont care .but its not like that i care mummy .i do care. i still care.its just that i was too selfish.was avoiding seeing u in pain.i wanted get lost in my world . i was too self involved .ignoring was easier i guess. it made life easy.and somewhat normal . i was unable to see u suffer .if you could ever forgive me then plz mummy forgive me
dolly-
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