Chapter 4
Asad could not sleep. There was this unvoiced restlessness that clenched inside his chest and at the pit of his stomach. Something was not going right. Why was he so unsure of everything. Ever since Zoya had stepped into his life like a whirlwind, he had ceased becoming sure of himself and his actions. Every single thing he did would be thought through afterward, wondering if he was right.
Before, there had never been any need for self-analysis. Rashid Ahmed Khan was wrong. He was wrong, he was a coward and he hated him. Gaffur Siddiqui and his family were awful people. They hadn't proved otherwise in all honesty. Ayaan had a clean heart, as did Nuzhat and Nikhat, but he wouldn't talk to them except Ayaan. He'd brought Ayaan up! Who was Rashid Ahmed Khan to stop Asad from talking to his brother?! And things had been perfect! Now, now he questioned his own judgement. Zoya was a spoilt New York City girl with no cultural or religious essence and no value of relationships. WRONG! He couldn't have been more far from the truth. Zoya would never make a good wife. Nope, that hadn't been proved wrong, but now he thought of it, she would actually be a brilliant one. Simply because she cared about people she loved more than she cared about herself.
The girl was adamant, stubborn and literally a human storm destroying everything in its way. But she was adamant and stubborn because she was defensive. Even though she demolished everything in her way, she left behind hope for a new start. She left behind a rainbow, a pure surface devoid of anything evil or fraudulent. She was an enigma, a problem he couldn't leave without solving, a charming, bubbly being with a heart of gold! And he could make a list till his last breath but it would all be futile. Because, it would be wrong of him to do so after his marriage. His marriage in a few hours. To Tanveer. He would have to let go of Zoya. Let her fill light in someone else's darkness. Let her be loved and appreciated like she deserved to be. Let her belong to someone else. The thought wrenched his heart out of his body. It hurt so much, he was sure he would stop breathing! But breathe he did. Alas, lifelessly.
With these thoughts in his mind, he got up to get himself a glass of water. There was about an hour left to the break of dawn, he noticed and the light in Zoya's room was switched on. Right, he frowned. What was she doing? Had she gone off to sleep with the room light switched on? He hoped not. He would not be able to imagine the electricity bill if she had been doing this every day! Silently, he walked up to her room and knocked once. No answer.
"Miss Farooqi?" He called, and was met with silence. Feeling panic rise inside him, he opened the door slightly to be met with a beautiful sight in front of him.
Zoya had tied a long scarf around her head and was seated on a prayer mat, her back turned towards him. She was evidently concentrating on the morning prayer, something he himself missed many a times out of sheer laziness. Feeling his lips curve slightly at the sight, his heart swell within his chest, he stood staring for a moment before realizing his actions. Quietly, he shut the door and made his way to the bathroom to follow her actions. One thought constantly roamed around in his mind.
He had been seriously wrong about Miss Farooqi.
* * * * *
"Bhaijaan," Asad heard his sister's sweet voice coming from the entrance of his room.
"Yes Tamatar?" He questioned, motioning her to come inside. He was getting married to Tanveer in just over an hour but still could not let go of Zoya's cutting words, her hurt face and what he'd witnessed this morning. The ring, her ring was in his hand, as he tried to battle out everything inside his head.
"This isn't right." Najma stated. She had watched her brother break time and again before her, but this time, this time he was shattered to pieces. And how he allowed himself to act normal, she couldn't believe. Why he forced himself to go along with the wedding to Tanveer, when she'd clearly witnessed more between him and Zoya, she couldn't fathom. Well, maybe she could. It was just her brother. Asad Ahmed Khan, who listened to his brain way more than his heart. No question about that.
Asad frowned. Najma had barely ever contradicted him for anything. She always went along with his words, treating him like a father. So what would happen that made her raise her voice against something he'd done. More importantly, what was she claiming that was not right? When she saw his confused look, she proceeded forward.
"You getting married to Tanveer."
"Najma.." he questioned aghast that she had a problem with one of the biggest decisions of his life!
"Bhaijaan, I can see that you love Zoya. And Zoya loves you. Then why are you doing this to both, yourself and her?" Najma demanded softly. Asad stared. His sister knew? Gulping, he tried to form a coherent reply.
"I.. it's just.." he trailed off, not knowing what to reply. He couldn't very well lie to his sister and neither could he tell her truth. That choosing Tanveer now seemed to be the biggest mistake of his life. That hurting Zoya put him through immense torture. Because it did! She'd lost her smile because of him! Her charming, dimpled smile accompanied with the twinkling eyes he loved so much.
"It's what?" His younger sister was persistent.
"It's too late. I can't back out of my word, Najma. I can't leave Tanveer in the middle of everything like this."
"So you'll give up your whole life for this one moment?" she questioned back directly.
Damn, when had his sister learnt how to talk, he wondered? Of course, he realized remembering the only person who had always stood up against him. Miss Zoya Farooqi.
"Najma, Zoya and I are too different to each other. We will not be able to live together. And if I step out of the marriage now, Ammi wil be humiliated. She promised people I'd be married by today and.. I can't do this to her especially."
"I see." Najma said silently. "You're ready to spend your whole life unhappily as long as Ammi's promise that she made to the world in anger stays intact."
"You won't understand, Najma."
"She's right Asad."
The soft voice at the doorway caused Asad to whip his head around, recognizing the source instantly. His mother stood there, the expression on her face passive. Clearly, she had overheard the conversation and was supporting Najma in this instant.
"Ammi.."
"Asad. As a kid, you've always been one to listen to your brain over your heart. You've never liked changes." She said as she walked over. "For you, changes are bad. They unsettle everything you've liked, and leave behind a new mess for you to sort out and adjust with. Over time, I kept trying to show you that change is sometimes good. It never worked. But Zoya came, and suddenly this new change had taken over your life. This has been the first time," she added quietly, "where I've seen such a strong battle within yourself Asad. Between your heart and mind. Don't let it go to vain for what I said out of blind anger. Don't give up something you truly want, for one mistake. And don't you dare think you'll hurt the only girl you've ever loved, because you're your father's son."
Asad's eyes were shining bright with tears at this point.
"She doesn't love me." He voiced another fear that had gripped his heart, ever since she threw the ring back in his face.
"She does, Bhaijaan. She told me about setting up the chandelier for you. Yes it was her dream, but she wanted you to be a part of it. Somewhere, she might have always wanted that. But when you refused, did you see how broken she was?"
Asad bent his head low, letting water drop onto the glossy tiled surface in his room. How had he hurt her so much, unintentionally? He really had meant it, when he slipped the note under her door, that he wanted her to be the one who'd live her dream. He didn't want someone else, another girl, to be a part of it. Now, he was on the verge of hurting two girls. How did he get there, he wondered.
"Ammi.."
"Asad, you have to take a final decision. The wedding is an hour away. Your choice." Dishaad spoke, her eyes tearing up.
"But Tanveer."
"She's your best friend Asad if she doesn't understand you, who will?"
Asad took a deep breath.
"Talk to Tanveer first." He replied in a steady voice, his voice betraying no emotion. "If she agrees, then so do I."
"But Bhaijaan.." Najma began, however was interrupted by him.
"No, Najma."
"Fine Asad. But if Tanveer doesn't agree and you go down there, remember one thing. Two words are all it could take for you to lose Zoya forever." Dilshaad said gravely, evidently upset at her beloved son's adamant attitude, and went out of the room, not sparing him another glance.
"One more thing Bhaijaan." Najma put a brave face on. "Imagine Zoya getting married to someone else. You'll know what you want." His sister followed their mother soon afterward, not knowing what else to do, or say to her brother that may change his mind.
* * * * *
Two words are all it could take for you to lose Zoya forever.
Two words..
His mother's sentence swarmed in his mind as he sat down on his bed, ready for the Nikaah. Two words, were all it could take.
Zoya getting married to someone else.
He shut his eyes trying to erase the picture of Zoya in the wedding dress he'd seen her in once. He imagined her married to someone like Akram. Someone who wouldn't treat her well. Someone who'd force his decisions on her. Someone who'd probably force himself on her. NO! The picture in front of him went blank. If he wouldn't be there to protect her, who would? If he was married, to Tanveer, he wouldn't be able to protect Zoya!
Everything we've shared means nothing to you doesn't it?
No! It meant something to him! He'd only really felt properly alive when she'd entered his life! He'd only really felt his heart beat, when it ached for her! When it was broken, because she rejected his ring, his love for her, if he wasn't willing to give it a name. He was hurting her so much unknowingly, and putting himself through the same misery. And what about Tanveer? Did she deserve to be locked in a loveless marriage? His best friend. He owed her the truth didn't he?
A knock sounded at the room, and he saw Najma's forlorn face.
"It's time, bhaijaan. Tanveer wants to go through with the nikaah."
Asad felt the blood drain out of his face. Tanveer wasn't ready to step aside? Tanveer didn't mind getting married to him, knowing he would probably love someone else for the rest of his life? Najma's eyes had defeat filled in them. She didn't accept Tanveer as her bhabi. No one was really happy with this marriage.
"Zoya?" he questioned.
"She's around."
The thought of Zoya entertaining his guests with her stupid shayari brought a smile onto his face. She could make anyone smile. No matter how much hurt she herself was going through. Bringing light into other people's darkness was what Zoya lived for! And he was the one who'd taken away all the brightness she shone with. The idea of her laughing sent warmth from the centre of his heart right through to the tips of his fingers. Yes, he loved her so much. Suddenly, it struck him. He knew exactly what he had to do.
"Najma.." he called before she left the room.
* * * * *
Tanveer was in her room, waiting for the right moment to begin her descent to her Nikaah. She thought of Asad, her best friend. True he'd done everything for her. Her hand automatically travelled to her stomach. She was doing all this for someone else instead. Asad would never step out of line. If he married her, he'd commit to it. And he'd commit to the baby. The baby would have his name. And she, she'd have Asad and a lot more than she could have ever dreamed of! Razia's words haunted her every night, like a slap to her face. She had to show this woman, that she was not a 'nobody' anymore. With a start, she realized the truth. Her intentions of marrying Asad were selfish. But someone could afford to be selfish couldn't they? And anyway, once she did marry him, he'd forget about Zoya in no time. She'd make sure of that.
"Tannu.."
Speak of the devil.
Tanveer turned around, unable to believe her sight. Khala had just come in and explained to her that Asad, though unwilling, would continue with the marriage if she wanted to. And she, Tanveer had urged her to continue! That love grew with time. And she'd make a place a place for herself in Asad's heart. Then what was he doing here? Had he come here to change her mind? To tell her he couldn't go on with the marriage? For the first time, Tanveer felt helplessness enclose her. How would she explain to him that she needed to be his wife! Even if they didn't have the said relationship between them. She needed his name! Her baby needed his name! What on earth could she do now?
Asad was at the entrance of the room, his gaze lowered to the floor. She noticed their outfits had been colour coded. His was a handsome red and black sherwani, with a golden design on it, making him stand out, while hers was a rich red and gold lehenga, that she'd taken an instant liking to when Khala had presented various designs to her.
"I guess Ammi talked to you." He continued. His hands were behind his back and his voice sounded broken. "I should have been the one to do it, actually."
She remained mum, her hands finding the edges of the beautiful dupatta she had covered her head with. Her jaws clenched, as she felt fury bubble up inside her. She had not gone through everything just to hear this the last minute! She had not indirectly staken her claim on Asad in front of Zoya to have him go running back to her just as they were about to get married! She had not woven all those dreams of bringing Razia and Imran down just to have them come shatter down around her feet!
"I.. I don't.. I'm just really sorry Tanveer. For putting you through all of this. I'm really, really sorry, but I just.. can not marry you." His voice broke slightly as he looked up. She could see a pool of unshed tears swarming in his eyes and for a moment, some part of her cried out for her best friend. But she forced that voice to shut up as she thought of Razia's insults. "Please understand. I love Zoya."
"But Asad, what will everyone say?" She managed to argue, taking care not to let hot tears of frustration fall down her cheeks to ruin the make up. She still had a chance. He believed everything she said. So she still had a chance to make him hers!
He stayed quiet, not answering her question.
She had to do something quick! She had to work on his weak point. Yes, friendship! That was definitely his weakest point. Promptly, she got up off the seat and ran to him, flinging herself into his arms and sobbing her heart out.
"Please don't do this to me. I love you Asad!"
Asad froze at the last four words. She loved him? She loved him? Now he felt even worse about himself. He'd led an innocent girl on with his stupid decisions! All the while, loving Zoya deeply. Her tears were soaking through his sherwani as he stood still, not daring to accept her or neglect her. What had he done? He'd never wanted anything to get complicated like this! Then how on earth had he weaved such a big web where he'd entrapped himself, Zoya and Tanveer? Should he really go along with this wedding? Live the rest of his life in misery?
He deserved that!
But Tanveer didn't! She was his best friend! How would he keep his friend happy?
He'd have to try!
But how? When all he would be able to think about is Zoya?
What sort of a friend was he?
Mental torture! He had no idea how to cut himself out of this! This was a bad step. A very bad step. He could feel his heart thudding against his chest out of sheer confusion and apprehension. What on earth was he to do now? Maybe this was it. Maybe he would just have to go with the flow. Maybe he'd just have to get married to her, and try his best to keep her satisfied. Try his best to be a good husband. He'd have to cancel what he planned with Najma for Zoya.
Zoya!
Yes, Zoya! What on earth could he do to make her understand? How could he let her know he was sacrificing his love for friendship? How could he explain to her that what he felt for her was the first time he'd felt for any girl? That she'd ignited sparks in him. She'd made him realize how living wasn't just about eating and breathing. Living was about feeling every moment. Living was about smiling even through the toughest situations? She would have to find someone else. Someone who'd keep her more happy than he ever could. He closed his eyes, imagining a tall faceless man next to his beloved. Something inside him churned, and twisted causing him to grimace in anguish. Would he really be able to live seeing Zoya become someone else's?
He remembered the numerous times she'd hugged him and he'd hugged her back. The serene feeling that erupted inside him at her touch still managed to calm his nerves, at the very thought. He then recalled her tear stained face on his engagement day. Something intersected sharply, needle thin, through his chest, causing his heart to bleed for her. She'd been suffering for him since day one because of his imprudent actions and his stupid, thoughtless decisions! He'd been killing her slowly every single day! Like his father had done to his mother! Was he being his father? NO! He was not his father! He would not run away from complicated situations he'd created himself. He would not take the easy way out. No more, he decided. No more would he sit by helplessly and watch quietly from the sidelines while the love of his life begged silently for him. He couldn't do this to her. Not Zoya.
"Tannu," he gently prised her apart. She looked up at him, hopefully. Surely, he'd changed his mind. He couldn't hurt his best friend! "I said before that if you don't refuse to get married to me, I'll go ahead with the wedding. But now I just realised I cannot do this to you. I will not bind you in a loveless marriage. You deserve a lot better. So now, I refuse. I'm really, truly sorry. But I will never be able to keep you happy."
Tanveer felt like she'd been slapped in the face! The shock was too much for her to handle with a calm mind, as she began breathing deeply. This was not about him being able to keep her happy or not. It was about Zoya.
"Zoya. Right?" She questioned in a deadly whisper.
Asad hung his head, as he replied with a soft,
"Yes."
If friendship was Asad's weakest point, Tanveer realized, love was probably his strongest. He had held firm to his decision, because he loved Zoya! But damn her if she would stop trying!
"Do you even know whether Zoya loves you or not? I don't think she does. She's always been very open about her feelings and if she did, she would have told someone."
"No, I don't know." He replied in the same tone. "Maybe she doesn't after everything I've done to her. But I cannot marry anyone else, knowing that I love her. I can't spoil someone else's life, especially yours."
What could she do? What should she do?
"You won't be spoiling it. I'll help you get over her. They say you can't find always find a best friend in a spouse, but you'll always find a spouse in your best friend."
"Tannu, I'm really sorry."
"Jammy? Are you doing this to me? I'm your best friend?" She tried once more, purposely using his pet name.
"And she's the one I love."
"What if I say you'll grow to love me? After all, love does grow with time."
Asad looked away. Tanveer was losing him. She could feel him slipping away from her grasp. Whatever she would say, he would never get married to her now. Not for himself, not for the world. He was far too deep in love with Zoya to even hear her anymore! And if she continued like she did, not only would she lose him as a friend, she'd lose him completely. He'd never support her in anything! Even if she did marry him, she'd never convince him that the kid is his. He'd never come close enough to her for that.
"Tanveer, let me go. Please." He whispered urgently. Asad, never for the life of him imagined she loved him. He thought she'd agreed only for the sake of his mother. But he couldn't do to Zoya, what his father had done to his mother. He couldn't hurt Zoya. And he was firm with this.
Yes, she'd lost him. When he used her full name, it just hit her. She'd lost him completely, and there was probably nothing she could do at the moment to get him back.
"Go." She whispered, looking away.
And he ran. He didn't even look back once at her. Injustice bubbled up inside her. This was not fair! It was not! Here she was, having done so much to secure Asad as her husband, yet he wasn't hers! Growling, she took the dupatta off her head and threw it on the bed. Tanveer knew a lost cause when she one. He would never even look at her now! Now, she had three people to get her back on. Razia, Asad and Zoya. And she would. She'd go away from their lives for now, she decided. Yeah, but like an earthquake, she'd come back in, unsettling everything and leaving behind ruins. After all, that was what she was good at doing, wasn't she?
* * * * *
Najma looked around the room, for Zoya. She had little time, because she knew Tanveer could never refuse her brother. So he'd be down soon. Where was.. oh there she was! Najma spotted the beautiful white dress Zoya had picked for the wedding ceremony for herself. It had a black layer underneath it, giving it an overall a classy effect. The contrast on it was the gold design across the front and on the long sleeves.
"Read this Zoya." Najma dragged her somewhere in the middle of the living room, and gave her a piece of paper.
"Najma, I can't read this right now. You know very well I need to be by Tanveer's side as she comes down."
"Don't worry about that. Just read this first. It's urgent."
Zoya frowned in confusion. How could it be so urgent, she wondered. More important than Asad's wedding?
"Najma, what is it?"
"Will you please just read it?" Najma demanded in an authoritative tone, combing her fingers through Zoya's curls that were pinned over one side of her shouder, to give them more of a bounce. Zoya visibly coiled back at the tone.
"Okay, okay! Don't bite my head off." She smiled at Najma's giggles and looked down at the piece of folded paper in her hand. Curiously, she unfolded it and recognized the writing instantly. Her hands immediately started quivering not knowing what on earth to expect. Finally, gathering her courage, she took a deep breath and began,
Zoya,
I could never say this to you, so I thought of writing it down. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry for everything I've done.
You're perfect. I'm the one who's not fit for you. I'm the one who doesn't deserve you. That's why, Tanveer was my choice that day. I judged you so readily, despite you proving me wrong at every step, and was always harsh to you because I was scared. Scared that I would turn into what my father was. But it never struck me, that along with hurting myself, I was hurting you as well. So I tried to push you away from me instead by focusing on everything bad that had ever occurred between us.
However, the past ten days made me realise that I'm already in too deep to go back. Your smile lights up my day, but not seeing that smile for such a long time killed me slowly inside. There was no way that I would ever be able to give Tanveer the life I wanted to give you.
Zoya's free hand flew to her mouth in utter astonishment as she read the next few lines.
Know that I would never, ever, intentionally do anything that would hurt you. Will you let me stand by your side, for the rest of my life? And if you allow me, I promise to spend it all, making up for everything I've put you through in the past.
The letter stopped there and Zoya turned the page around. What on earth..? Her vision clouded with tears of confusion, frustration and nervousness. Where was Mr Khan? She heard a gasp sift through the guests which forced her head to shoot up and notice that they were staring at her. The atmosphere had abruptly taken a complete different turn, from merriment and fun, to utter shock and disbelief. Why on earth was everyone staring at her? Was it because they knew what was in the letter? Or no, there must be something wrong with her dress! Her eyes followed their vision and it hit her! They weren't staring at her! They were concentrating on something behind her! She swiftly turned around, and the sight in front of her stunned her to such an extent that she was rendered immobile for a few crucial seconds.
Asad Ahmed Khan, was on his knee for the second time in front of her, holding out the same ring that she had thrown in his face the day before. His eyes were shining, as his hopeful gaze was fixed on hers. The lights around her suddenly changed, forcing her and everyone else to look around them. Zoya felt her heart lift. She looked at Najma, who was standing near the switch with a cheeky grin on her face, and Dilshaad next to her, wiping away a small tear of joy and giving her an encouraging smile. Her vision dropped to the guy in front of her.
"Will you marry me?" His soft voice reverberated in the silent hall, making its way into people's hearts.
She was in the middle of the hall, underneath the chandelier she had designed! Asad was kneeling down on one knee, proposing to her, just like she had imagined and wanted! He had refused to get married to Tanveer because he loved her! True, he hadn't said it. But he'd done all this, for her! What more proof did she need?! For once, Zoya was at a complete loss of words. Something inside her swelled to almost bursting point! She couldn't believe that all these days of silent suffering had finally led to this. Something so beautiful, she probably could have never even dreamed of it!
Yes! Yes she would! She would let him spend the rest of his life with her! She would allow him to make everything up to her. She would marry him! Hell, she would have it no other way now. There was no way she would let go of him now. If he ever put a toe out of line, she'd beat him black and blue, but no way would she let him go, or let him let her go either! Once was enough for her to experience the agony of being separated from him. Not again. Never again.
With a smile adorning her face, she nodded once, extending her left hand for him to slip the ring in. A couple of people started clapping around them, and slowly, everyone else joined. Zoya knew more than half of them would disapprove of what had happened. They'd be 'tutt'ing at the fact that a groom proposed to another girl on the night of his wedding. But heck, if Asad of all people didn't care, why on earth should she?
He got back up on his feet, a small smile lighting up his face. Her hand was still encased in his own as he took a small step forward, having eyes for no one but her in the whole room. For the first time, Asad couldn't care less about what people thought. He loved this woman in front of him. He was going to marry her!
"But, Tanveer?" She questioned in confusion, her smile fading slightly.
"How could I keep her happy, when all along.." he trailed off, directing his view on the gleaming surface below them. Zoya found herself letting out a small laugh at her fiance. He was such a shy person!
"I love you too, Mr Akdu Jahapana six pack abs." She whispered to him, forcing his smile to widen and lean forward so his head joined with hers, and both their eyes shut. He had nearly lost her. He had nearly given himself away to someone else. Right now, he'd probably be a miserable married man, if he hadn't taken the steps he did. However, he was just a guy madly in love with his fiance.
"What are you waiting for?" She asked quietly. Her face was glowing with eternal bliss and contentment.
Asad pulled apart slightly. What was he waiting for? Surely, she didn't want to get married right away? Not that he minded. Their hands were still joined together, and she gently took hers away.
"What do you mean?"
Zoya found herself rolling her eyes in amusement.
"I'll have to teach you everything, won't I Mr Khan?"
Then without listening to a word of his, she took the final step forward and put her arms around his neck, bringing him nearer to her, in front of everyone present. Her face was buried into his shoulder, taking in the strong musky scent of his cologne that she'd been remembering just hours back, and something else equally strong that she couldn't pin point, which was so Asad!
Asad stiffened initially, aware of the audience, but gave in as his arms circled her back, pulling her, if possible, closer to himself. His head dipped low into the base of her neck, and in the process his lips brushed her bare, soft, skin, making her flinch. He pulled his arms tighter around her, aware that people were probably seeing this side of him the first time. He was sure he could hear Aamir give out a low whistle, from somewhere behind him. But he didn't give a care in the world. The woman he loved was in his arms. Ten days of complete darkness had finally given way to a new beginning. A bright, promising and brilliant new start.
The tunnel is always a shady, murky, scary place. As soon as you enter it, it encloses you in a black world, cutting off one of your most vital sense, your vision. You grope about, you wait, you pray, hoping for some source of light, some way to get out of this monster that's suffocating you. But through all that, you know that the only thing you can do is keep going. Because sometimes, even though there's no light, even though there's no hope, you've got to continue to get to the other end. And when you do, you've felt like you've achieved the greatest thing ever. You've felt like you've conquered the world! And if it wasn't for that moment of darkness, this feeling would never be the same. You'd never be the same. To appreciate the beauty and subtle serenity of it, dawn always follows the darkest hour of the night. So, no matter how lost you are, no matter how much darkness has engulfed you, keep going, because there's bound to be light awaiting you at the end.
**********************************
THE END
Ta-da! That's it. Final chapter up! Hope you guys enjoyed reading the whole thing as much as I enjoyed writing it. 😊 Please don't forget your feedback. I love nice long detailed comments..😉Love,
Sanaa
Ufff Yeh Love Hai Mushkil
Jhanak
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