Rey OS : The weak moment

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Posted: 12 years ago
#1

As I entered my house after a long and tiring day .. I was not tired because of work .. but because of the relentless thinking and restlessness which I was experiencing since the afternoon .. my eyes were mesmerized by the most beautiful sight .. my beautiful wife carrying our 3 year old Anjali in her arms and humming a lullaby and trying to put her to sleep ..

Even though I was always greeted with this scene when I returned late night .. It never failed to bring a smile on my face, but today , somehow it felt different .. I felt guilty seeing them .. my heart tugged and I felt as if I didn't deserve it ..

As I was just going up to our bedroom . .. my wife came and kept her hand softly on my shoulder to stop me ..

"Khana?" she asked ..

"No .. I had it in office .. " I replied .. trying to give her a fake smile and just wanted to run away to our bedroom .. I just wanted to hide from her ..

She smiled sweetly and tugged a bit on my shirt .. and I knew there was something she wanted to speak ..

"Aap chaliye .. main aati hun .. I will get some warm milk for you .. "

I simply said "No .. I am sleepy " .. a bit indifferently ..

Today everything she said .. everything she did was making my heart wince ..

"Mujhe aap ko kuch batana hai " she smiled and ignored my cold behavior .. she blushed a bit and she came to close to my face and placed a small peck on my cheek ..

I was so pre-occupied in my thoughts that I didn't even respond to her touch ..

"Kya hua ?" she asked a bit shocked and hurt ..

"Kuch nahi .. " and I walked to our room ..

***

I was sitting on the chair with my head down on the table ahead .. when I felt her warm hands .. slowly caressing my hair .. gently pressing on my shoulders to soothe the tension .. but little did she know that this could not lessen anything which I was going thru ..

She softly took my head in her hands .. and kissed my forehead .. and placed it on her chest .. and wrapped her arms around my neck .. "Kya main aapka sar daba dun .. maybe you will feel relaxed " she asked again kissing my hair ..

I just enfolded my hands around her waist and held her tight .. I could hear her heart beat .. it felt so good to be in her arms .. I could feel her smile .. she started moving her hand over my tensed back ..

I knew maybe this would be the last time she would hold me like this .. so close to her heart .. a heart which I was about to break .. or maybe I had already broken it and she was gonna know it today ..

I had to tell her everything .. It was too difficult for me to handle it now .. I had kept it within me for 3 years now .. but that one phone call today afternoon changed everything for me and now it will change everything for her too and I just couldn't imagine how she would react ..

I knew everyone's past has some role or the other to play in the future .. but I had never considered mine to be that important .. and had never revealed much to her .. I wondered why … I should have told her everything .. she deserved it .. she trusted me ..

How I hated myself !!!

I took a deep breath reluctantly pulled my face away from her .. held both her hands in mine and brought her palms to my lips .. kissed them .. and in my mind said Please forgive me ..

I looked into those confused eyes .. she was trying to understand what was wrong with me .. and wanted to make me feel better ..

I stood up .. " I want to tell you something" I said in a slow voice ..

She suddenly gave a bright smile "Even me "

But, I left her hands and held up my right hand indicating her to stop "Let me speak first"

"Ok .. But .. aap jaldi apni baat khatam kijiye .. I have to tell you some very very important " she spoke impatiently like a kid and then finished it with a sweet pout ..

"Today afternoon one of my college friend expired" I just let go in 1 line ..

I could see her lively face turn ashen in a moment .. she placed her hands over mine immediately .. "I am sorry .. Rey .. " I could see in those sensitive eyes that she understood my pain .. and here I was gonna give this pure soul the pain of her lifetime ..

"She was fighting cancer from last 4 years .. " I said ..

She must have said "OH" .. but the voice didn't trickle past her mouth .. but a tear rolled down her eye .. she didn't even know my friend and she shed her tear for my friend ..

"I think you should visit her family .. " after a while she said ..

I just nodded still debating how to get everything out of my heart ..

"You could call your other college friends and all of you can go .. I can't because of Anjali and .. " He didn't let her complete ..

"We had dated in college times .. " I said looking in those unquestioning eyes .. and I still didn't see a change .. she nodded .. "Its ok .. you don't have to tell me if you don't feel like it .. " she said again lovingly now taking my face in her warm hands ..

NO, I WANT TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING .. I cried from inside ..

"She broke off with me .. and then I never heard from her .. neither did I ever search for her nor tried to find why she left me .. "

I was a bit shocked with my wife's reaction .. she hugged me .. and again caressed my back trying to soothe me ..

How I wanted to hold her forever .. how I wanted her to love me , care for me again and again .. I wanted her just for myself .. how selfish I was .. I had realized that ,of course only a man can be this selfish ..

I broke the hug .. again looked in her eyes .. "3 years back when we had the college alumni re-union , I met her .. and .. and .. " I just gulped and gulped trying to get the words out of my f****** mouth ..

"Did she tell you why she broke off with you .. " she asked gently ..

My eyes widened at the way she had perceived what I wanted to say ..

"Yes .. Her mother didn't like me .. so she had forced her to leave me .. " my eyes started to water ..

"And she left you for your own good .. by breaking your heart .. " my wife completed it for me ..

She wiped a few tears which fell from my eyes .. "She still loved you for all these years , even after her mother forced her not to .. and am sure she must not have told you about her illness too .. rite ?"

I nodded .. and closed my eyes ..

"I am not sure how her life was .. but I just pray that her soul rests in peace "

I snapped opened my eyes in shock .. to see the sacred feelings of my wife for a woman she didn't know .. but she could somehow identify with her .. He couldn't see a single trace of anger or jealousy or resentment in her eyes for the other woman .. who had loved her husband ..

She held my hands and squeezed them to let me know that she was with me ..

But .. for how long was the only question my mind was asking ..

"After the re-union party she asked me to come to her house .. and then we talked and talked about everything .. from the time we had left off .. " my vision getting blurred with the tears which had again formed in my eyes ..

She smiled ..

"And then I don't know how it happened .. but … " struggling with my voice .. trying to still look in her eyes .. holding her hands now very tightly .. as if that support would make the words come out of my mouth with some ease ..

I saw a flicker of question in those eyes ..

"We .. we .. we made .. I am sorry .. " choking on my words I couldn't say anymore but it was not needed .. she had understood my unsaid words .. she suddenly let go of my hands .. and staggered back .. she placed one hand on her stomach and the other on her mouth .. she kept staring at me .. her eyes now registering everything I had said and making a full understanding about that .. at first I could see the confusion in her eyes .. then disbelief in her eyes .. then it was replaced with pain and helplessness ..

She took one step back and fell and sat on the bed as if her knees just buckled down with her weight ..

I moved ahead hastily to grab her and support her .. but she held her hand to distance herself from me ..

She kept looking at me with those blank eyes .. those eyes which would churn tears at the slightest happy or sad moment were just lifeless ..

I just stood rooted at my place waiting for her rebuke.. but nothing came .. she just sat still .. not shedding a single tear .. just questioning me with her eyes .. Why ??? ..

Then something dawned to her .. as she blinked and then looked with those piercing eyes .. and gasped .. "That time Anjali was in my " and she clutched her stomach ..

I fell on my knees near her and tried to hold her hand .. "I am sorry .. I am really "

She just hurled my hand away .. "Don't you dare touch me " she said with a hard and indifferent voice that made a shiver run down my back .. I looked at her with fear .. as I had never known her to be so cold with anyone ..

"I am sorry .. I didn't know what happened to me .. I just couldn't .. Jaan .. " I pleaded ..

"You have lost the right to call me that .. " She again spoke looking straight ahead past me ..

"But .. please forgive me .. " I could find nothing else to say to her … I knew I didn't deserve her forgiveness after what I did .. But I kept on chanting my apologies to her wishing somewhere that she would just embrace me and forgive me .. and accept me back ..

"Why did you tell me this now ..?" she suddenly asked ..

I looked at her white drained out face .. "Her mother had called me today afternoon to tell about her death and her last wish "

"What does she want now .. " her voice laced with hurt and bitterness ..

"Her mother said that , before she died she told her mother that .. she wanted me to light her funeral pyre and mark her forehead with my sindoor .. "

For the first time after she distanced herself from him .. did she look straight in my eyes ..

Her eyes tearing me apart with her anger and pure hatred towards me and demanding to know why did I do this to her .. and then as if she could hold herself no more .. she came on her knees and held my collar ..

"Kyon Rey .. Kyon … "

"What have I done to deserve this ?"

"Was I not a good wife .. was I not a good mother .. Didn't I support you thru everything .. wasn't I there for you when you needed me .. Didn't I take care of your every wish ?" she was crying hysterical so unlike her calm and composed figure which she always had ..

"Was it because I couldn't satisfy you in bed ?" suddenly she burst out on me .. her eyes blazing with fury ..

"No .. No .. its not that .. you are everything for me .. I love you " I held her crying quavering face in my hands ..

The minute I uttered those 3 words .. she withdrew her face from my hands and looked at me disbelieving every word I had said ..

"I love you .. I am sorry .. I was the one at fault … I just couldn't control my emotions .. " I kept muttering trying to hold her ..

"No .. it was not EMOTIONS .. " she screamed in my face .. which made me stand still and look at her ..

"You were guilty that she loved you all her life and you didn't even go to find about her .. that guilt overpowered your thinking and you didn't even think about your pregnant wife .. " she said in despair but staring straight in my eyes ...

I looked at the frail and devastated woman whom I couldn't recognize .. she was the same woman whom he had known for the past 10 years .. who was the most optimistic and cheerful person I had ever met .. who smiled more to spread her liveliness .. She was strong as well as tender .. she was mature and intelligent .. talked less .. understood what the other was finding it difficult to even form in his mind due to her caring and sensitive nature ..

She had joined as his assistant when he had started his company which made dance musical shows ..

He had fallen head over heels in love with everything about her .. she was everything he had ever wanted in his partner .. she complimented him perfectly in his work .. and in his life ..

He had pursued her for almost an year .. then they had courted for 4 years and finally now they were married for the last 5 years ..

Now he looked at her and realized what he had done to her ..

He had broken her ..

But, what she said was correct .. he was guilty .. guilt was something which lead him to do what he did that night .. he wanted to clear his conscience .. he wanted to apologize and this was the only way he vent out his feelings ..

"Why didn't you ever tell me about her before ?" she asked making me question my own thoughts .. I had no answer for her ..

"Were you ashamed that a girl left you .. broke off with you .. was that your male ego .. so you never thought of telling me ?"

I just lowered my head in shame .. yes she knew me very well .. she knew exactly what I felt ,how I felt even without me telling her anything ..

"What about after coming back from the re-union ?"

"I wanted to tell you .. but I saw your state .. you were very weak and I just didn't want to tell you which would harm your health or the baby's health .. " I spoke with my eyes on her toes ..

"Jaan .. believe me … please .. I know I don't have this right now over you .. but please .. I thought about telling you many times .. but just couldn't make myself to do it .. Once Anjali was born I just forgot about everything .. Please .. I telling you the truth .. Whenever I was with you .. I swear I never thought about her .. " he pleaded ..

"Did she ever contact in these 3 years ?"

"No .. we had decided not to contact each other at all "

"Why ?"

"Because that was the end of what we had or could have had .. that was all I could give her and that was all she asked me for .. " I said clutching her saree .. fearing that she would just walk out on me ..

She just went further back on the bed and rested her head on the bed headrest and withdrew her knees to herself and buried her face in it .. and just cried and cried ..

I looked at her helplessly .. torn between my guilt .. the pain which I had given her …

After what seemed like an eternity .. she looked up with swollen red eyes .. "Did you ever regret your life with me ?" she asked fearfully ..

I reached out to hold her immediately .. "No .. jaan .. never .. every moment spent with you was the best .. I couldn't imagine it better than it had been .. "I tried my best to convince .. " It was just a moment .. I couldn't control myself .. please try to understand me " I beseeched hopelessly ..

"Was she beautiful ?"

"No .. please .. don't ask me all this .. please .. I have no answers .. I really don't know what to say .. "

She calmly removed my hands from over her .. and looked at me ..

"When you made .. " she paused .. looked away from me .. "When you were with her .. did you think about me or our baby ?" she looked now directly in my eyes ..

I was aghast .. I knew this was coming .. but I didn't know that my wife would ask this so directly ..

There was no running away from this now ..

"Actually .. err .. " I just couldn't look in her eyes .. But .. I had to answer her .. I knew her eyes were boring into my face .. demanding the answer ..

"I didn't think about anyone .. " I finally let out what was wrenching my heart for so long ..

She didn't respond .. I finally gathered enough courage to look in her eyes ..

She simply said "Thank you "

I couldn't fathom what it meant .. I just looked at her bewildered ..

"At least you didn't insult her love when you were with her by thinking about your wife and kid .. and nor did you betray me when you were with me or the family by thinking about her .. I am not sure if I want to believe everything what you said .. but this thought atleast calms my heart and this is what I am going to go ahead with me .. "

She stood up .. and walked to the wardrobe ..

I just didn't know what she was upto .. I just rushed to her .. held her shoulders from behind .. "Please don't leave me .. I can't live without you .. I really need you jaan .. you are everything for me .. she was my past .. please I love you .. .. Please I can't think about anything but you "

She gave a short laugh .. shrugged her shoulders to free herself from my grip ..

"I am not leaving you Rey .. " she turned to face me ..

I almost let out a sigh of relief ..

"I just can't leave you .. I love you too much " she said which shocked me ..

"But .. we had taken our relationship to another level .. which was not only based on love .. but on trust and respect .. "

And I knew what she was going to say ..

"I had placed my complete faith in you .. you broke my trust .. and I don't know if it can ever be replaced .. "

"I had a lot of respect for you .. but now .. somehow I really don't know what to say .. "

"I can't leave you because I don't want Anjali to ever know what happened between us .. "

"She is too young .. and I really don't want to mar her innocent mind and heart with thoughts that her mother doesn't trust and respect her father whom she looks upon like a hero figure "

"And lastly why I won't leave you is .. because of our unborn baby " she gently touched her stomach ..

I looked down at her stomach .. I just looked at her with open mouth "You are .. you are pregnant .. " I wanted to touch her .. but just stopped my hand mid-way ..

"Yes .." she nodded .. "I wanted to surprise you .. "she heaved a sigh .. " Anyway .. "

"Jaan .. please forgive me .. I will do anything you say .. but please .. please forgive me once .. "

"I have already forgiven you Rey .. but I can't forget it easily .. I have no idea how much time it will take .. I just don't know " she said with painful look .. the glow in her eyes lost ..

"I am sorry .. "

She took her blanket and night clothes and walked towards the door .. before opening she turned "I will sleep with Anjali and this topic is closed from my end .. "

I simply looked at her ..

"What was her name ?"

"Kria Ghai "

"I think you should fulfill her last wish" and she walked out and closed the door behind her leaving me alone with my thoughts …

***

I Reyaansh Singhannia .. the most selfish man on this earth .. but I really don't know what was there in me that 2 women loved me so much .. one who broke my heart so that I could move on with my life but she was rooted still there in time .. she loved me till her last breath .. she loved me silently without asking anything in return .. and her last wish was to just be cremated as a bride .. my bride .. I so much wanted to give her what she wanted ..

The other who came in my life as the fresh breeze .. showered me with her love , care and everything she possessed .. she gave herself to me .. and still would do that all her life .. for me and for my family ..without even reminding me of what I had done to her .. she was a woman of a large heart .. which overflowed with love .. only thing which she would find it difficult now is to trust me and respect me .. But .. I so much want her in my life because I can't do without her and her love ..

***

Many of you might not have liked it .. but sometimes i do get some thoughts i have to pen it down .. I really have no idea if this was the best end .. but i feel Rey being a man can't be strong like a woman .. so its my take ..

Love,

Amy

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sadafarsha thumbnail
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Posted: 12 years ago
#2
I am speechless u r an awsum writer I really don't know what to say I really cried in between when I came to know that kria died in your os I really really luved it very much I have no more words say luving this os alooot
smileysmi thumbnail
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Posted: 12 years ago
#3
res
Unres

Amy dear awesome os...
So well expressed rey's guilt...
It suits on current d3 track...
Rey has forgotten kriya like she was just a crush not true love...
Anyway about ur os, itz just amazing...
The way u have portrayed rey's guilt in the end is too good... 👏
Thanks for the pm... 😊
Edited by smileysmi - 12 years ago
zona_malik thumbnail
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Posted: 12 years ago
#4
SPEECHLESS!!

AMAZING

SO SO SO LOVED IT

one of the BEST works ov URS

the way u portrayed the feelings

those last lines of rey for kria n his wife

SPLENDID job :)
chand91 thumbnail
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Posted: 12 years ago
#5
jst lvd da os
hav nathng 2 tl mor
-FrozenRain- thumbnail
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Posted: 12 years ago
#6
It could not have been started in a better way..
Amy this was fab..
I dont know wwhat to say about him for the situation.
For the beautiful heart that the girl who is married..
For the true love that Kria has for him..
Its just amazing...
crazysky thumbnail
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Posted: 12 years ago
#7
i just felt reality about kria's character in your os
i loved it
like i felt true n real kria in ur os
bluelashes thumbnail
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Posted: 12 years ago
#8
di i just love this
bo word
hates off u
aroma_rubharu
Kiarawinget16 thumbnail
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Posted: 12 years ago
#9
Awsm yar i'm stunnd u shud be a writer . Nd d ending was perfct . . .thnx fr pm
Mukthaa thumbnail
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Posted: 12 years ago
#10
Speechless...
It was a heart touching os...i was having tears while reading it
The start, the end everything was perfect...
Loved it to the core

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