Chapter 15: Weight of reality
"This place has changed a lot," Khushi said looking around the restaurant which was just picking up afternoon lunch hour pace. She had recovered from the emotional onslaught and as she decided days ago, she let the past between them rest outside the restaurant and just deal with him the way she would with an old friend. What she felt for him ran deeper than desire, deeper than love and much deeper than necessity of togetherness.
"They renovated this place about three years ago; upgraded their kitchen and upholstery. It's the same management though," she said waving at the man who was walking towards them. "Two plates," Arnav said to the man.
"Khushi!" The man, owner of the restaurant exclaimed looking at one of his oldest customer. "I haven't seen you in a long time."
"I haven't been...around." She replied lamely.
"Yeah, he told me so. Are you staying here for long?" He asked the most common question she was encountering for several days.
"Yes, I have come back for good." She said looking at the owner and blocking her peripheral vision completely. It was hard but she didn't have it in her to look at Arnav at that moment. She would dissect every possible change in his facial expression and overanalyse it till she went dizzy. No, she wouldn't herself be enslaved with this pitiable necessity of belonging she had been so desperately craving.
"That's really good to hear. I will send out your food. Arnav, your favourite dessert is available today. Want some?" He asked looking at Arnav with a toothy smile. Arnav rolled his eyes.
"You hate that I am so fit unlike you, so you stuff me with desserts every time I come here," he groaned.
"It's on the house today celebrating Khushi's return," he chuckled and went to fetch their order.
"Do you come here often?" Khushi inquired softly remembering his petulant reluctance whenever they entered this restaurant. She knew the answer already but she wanted an answer, a permanent record of startling jinx of intimacy that she felt gushing in her ears.
"I mostly eat my lunch here or a late night supper. Sometimes they open up late just because I've asked them to." He said aware of her gaze on him.
It always unnerved him - the way she looked at him as if he was her art work and she was seeing examining every color combination, every brush stroke, every smudge, every depression on canvas and the way they all came together to offer her a point of view or a dose of her own reality. He didn't know which but he couldn't meet her gaze.
"You never liked vegetarian food," she retorted bleakly as if the last shred of knowledge that she had on him was slipping away. Would she have to restart knowing the man from the scratch now? Her memories of past years had involved memorizing recipes which involved meat. Hell, she even cooked local cuisine with meat in them and fed her co-workers, asking for feedback and cooking again to attain perfection.
There was certainty of direction when she started evolving out of her self-made cage and ripped apart the bars that held her in a corner. She was expecting an evolved world out there too with people readjusting to life after she left and realigning their plans without her. But she hadn't anticipated fundamental changes in a person's attitude let alone their food choices.
It shouldn't have aberrated her from the objectivity of her journey but it had started to pave paths to places where she had no idea it might lead to.
"I am a vegetarian now," she heard him say. He was looking at the wall behind her shoulder.
"Why?" She burst out, wrestling a tissue paper in her hand and a lone tear hung on the corner of her left ear. "Why did you?" She wanted to know if he purposefully wanted to misrepresent himself by clinging on to her one objection she always had with him and thereby mocking her by doing the very thing she always wanted him to and challenged her in his own subtle way.
"Because I could," he said morosely.
She couldn't take her eyes off him then. There was something incredibly tangible tragic about his choices which made him look achingly beautiful. He looked broken and dented in several places and unlike her there was no misrepresentation of truth on his part. The bluntness with which he responded held more secrets than he wished to share and in that moment she wanted it all. She wanted to know the real reason behind his choice, she wanted to know why he held her hand and helped her and she desperately wanted to know why he was wearing the matching gold band on his wedding finger just like her.
Her thirst for knowledge had started it all, curiosity and her self-proclaimed pragmatism had taken her into hellish depths of human treacherous emotions and the extent to which they could mutate morph and transmigrate into another human.
"Arnav, back then I found out that-" She blurted but he interjected immediately.
"Not right now Khushi," he said holding up his hands and stopping her. She sat back on her chair, her face closing off and remained expressionless. He could feel anger rising through her - a trait which she had always had when she wasn't given an opportunity to explain and the heat radiating off her only made his resolve strengthen.
"I am in middle of a deal right now Khushi. I am sure whatever you are going to tell me is going to...affect me and frankly I cannot afford to be distracted right now. Do you understand?" He said. She didn't move or even blink. Her face was closed off for any external intervention. After moments, she nodded. He knew she wasn't happy about it but frankly he didn't care. He was middle of a merger and if it went downhill because of his emotional instability, he couldn't face himself for failing twelve thousand people.
Khushi visibly relaxed and rested her forearms on the table and rested her cheek on it. She was facing wall and her eyes had lost their focus. "I have had several emotional breakdowns you know?" She began.
It was realization which had come when she observed the tautness of his jaw and a mild pleading in his eyes moments before. She couldn't enter his life like she once did. She had no free reign there anymore.
She would wait for his invitation, she decided. At least then her imperfections wouldn't be too obvious for him to see.
"I basked in my emotional breakdowns. There was never a time or place for it and the triggers were sometimes so benign that at one point I started questioning my sanity. But when they occurred, I would go home if I was out and sit on my couch and allow the emotions conflicting with reality to hit me hard. It reminded me of the time when you lay on top of me and I yelled at you for being much heavier than me and that your weight was crushing me. I successfully morphed the weight of the reality to a physical entity and embraced it in my arms. I never thrashed around or took medication as suggested by doctor to release it from my system because all the imperfections were in my arms weighing me down and all it reminded me was of you."
She turned around and rested her chin on her forearm and looked at him. He was looking at her in rapt attention with an unreadable expression. The achingly heart wrenching tension between them was palpable but they were both drowning in a collective consciousness which only they shared.
"In my emotional breakdowns, I was with you. How could I let anyone or anything take that away from me?"
She said swallowing fresh bout of tears that carried a lump in her throat and watched his perfect face cackle with imperfections when he closed his eyes shut and clenched his fists. She felt him tremble as if someone had thrown on him a cold bucket of water washing away his control, his restraint and the disregard he had had for her presence.
He reached out for her hand on the table and she met him half way.
Interlude I: Arnav and Khushi - Him; Her; ThemIt was physically draining to write this. Signing off the day... Edited by RockBarbie - 12 years ago
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