Posted:
"half naked nerds running around with the flag of America as their cape"
Nerds do not do that here in New York. Lolz, but we have a Nerd Day for Seniors Spirit Week. We get to dress nerdy-like with taped geeky glasses. 😆. I am waiting for that day in senior year 😛
The first scene of the past threw me off. Dev clearly does not seem like the typical person I would assume. He seems quite immature. Pari and Geet seem to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I don't understand why Geet would go to a party she would never appreciated even if her best friend told her to. Geet doesn't appear as innocent as she pretends to be. she's more of a daring girl who hides behind her comfort zone. A typical Indian girl would not step into such a party without the intention of somehow converting.
MSK's entrance was a little...strange. I would expect him to slap the *** out of his brother since he's clearly behind the mess, not a random dude who had nothing better to do. The guy's line :"MK just touched me" indicates he's one of those nerds.
Her entering the bedroom...god, I knew it was a bad idea. She would end up in a compromising position. And she did, in the bathroom, half naked, and staring at a man who can't get his eyes off of her.
I see that you are jumping from present to past. It can get a little confusing. But I get you are trying to create a mystery slowly revealing throughout.
Geet Handa, bluetooth, car, says she isn't the same Geet anymore.
So Anjali decided to go on her own an find her father. Brave girl. Clever as hell. I love how you included Pinky in the story, the receptionist scared out of her wits.
My favorite character is definitely Geetanjali, simply because she has a Spongebob backpack and she's got the pride to stand up to her unapproachable father. Perhaps if it wasn't for her being his child, he would've already done something horrid but hey, we'll never know.
Maan and Geet already have a past. I guess that's why he has no decency to respect her privacy. Rather he finds her half-nakedness quite amusing. I hate the way he just holds her and forces her as if he has any right to treat her that way. Geet, being helpless...she's not helpless. She has wits and she has strength but she doesn't use them well enough because it's her Maan.She can't defy Maan even if she pretends to.
Lolz. Anjali's one-liners like "I googled you" is hilarious.
Maan seems to already find a light in Anjali. He won't disappoint her even if her mother did.
Wall Street huh? The place of hotshots who can't find anything bigger than their ego. Hate Wall Street.
"Maan's hold on the frame tightened, as he came face to face with everything he had lost. "
I love this line because it gives an insight into their souls. In this story, I see more of a dialogues less of details to support their character. It's hard to read their character that way.
Maan's going to Harvard and Geet is remaining in San Francisco so she is afraid of the distance.
The making love scene was an essential part of the story because it ties into the importance of Anjali, what makes the girl so intriguing to the story besides the main couple, what she means to Maan and Geet.
When you say "his" and "her", it indicates they are together or they are possessive of each other. In Maan's pov, I understand why he might say "his Geet" because he is possessive of her. But I don't understand why she says "her Maan". Especially when she pretends to say that he is engaged. She let go of him, separated him from Anjali. It isn't her Maan. It's just Maan. Being someone's is an extremely strong term.
I love how Geet and Pari met and how Dev pulls her pigtails. You know, I heard that if a guy pulls a girl's pigtail, it means he likes her. Pari's ethnicity is amazing. I love how she is so distinguishable, it makes her an important friend.
So that's how they met. Dev and Geet may not have gotten along, but it looks like they get along now because Maan.
I love how Maan knew Geet was following him and he didn't seem to care. he in fact enjoyed it because this innocent girl liked him back. His proposal was unique to the story, and impossible to reject as well.
Geet and Anjali's relationship is quite beautiful, but very unreal. A mother would never permit her child to leave like this and not scold her, whether it be after or before their union.
I can understand why she would think, because she is a Desi girl, what they did is a sin. But when she says "Down tiger". It made no sense to her character. It was just not her, especially considering that she was just fighting with him a second ago. There needed to eb a justificationa s to why they were making love, because otherwise, it's just force and submission.
Wow, the marriage bomb was huge and a surprise. But I knew she was lying. Or else the fiance would be here by her side or she would have phone him about Anjali. I just wondered why she was lying.
Okay, I get he wanted to pick her up because he wanted talk to her and he was pissed as hell, but in front of Anjali? It made no sense. It was just inappropriate and I didn't understand Anjali's reaction to it. It is her father but why did she go to him in the first place? Because she didn't know him. But now this man she met seconds ago is picking her mother up and walking down the street. As for Geet, I would be humiliated. His actions had no excuse.
On the other hand, Maan and Anjali scenes are adorable. I love how he can find love within her, a light that allowed him to expose his vulnerable side to her.
Again, him tying her up on the bed post. You don't just meet someone 9 years apart and treat them like this. Especially considering, Maan should've matured by now. The kidnapping was, I felt, unnecessary to the storyline.
At one point, Geet say don't touch me. And I completely agree with her. She is right to ask that because he is so aggressive. It's not justifiable. But then she allows him access, by talking to her. Unfortunately, typical Maan doesn't take the offer. Which sucks. He really needs to calm down.
But when he asks that his daughter stays with him while Geet goes, it was the behavior of a father. I loved it. I love the instant bond he shares with Anjali, but if I were Anjali, I would go with my mother. Because he is still someone she just found out about. Geet striking Maan was appropriate, because it was her motherly instinct. The whole sleeping with him scene was just not necessary. It contradicted what she stands for. In the end she leaves him anyways.
Rano's behavior was justified for her because she made her daughter into someone prosperous but in one second, it was ruined. So she snapped. But the baby's life was at stake.
I love the Anjali second-guessing herself when he father puts her in the car. Because it highlights the bond Geet and Anjali shares. I am guessing you wrote this for Mother's day but it felt more like Father's day. There was more emphasis on the fatherly bond, but that moment where she was hesitant of leaving her mother, made it a mother's day. And her mother running to get her daughter, the desperation also highlighted the bond between them.
So Geet called Maan. Too bad she got a horrible response, a girl on the other line. But it was idiotic of her to misinterpret it so quickly.
I understand why he wants Anjali, because he never received a chance to be with his daughter. IT is his daughter and Geet has no right to take her away. Same with Geet. But it isn't even about that. there is Anjali's wishes to be considered.
What I didn't understand was why Maan was so shocked that she said I love you.He knew of this or else he would not have been with her. Or else she would not have followed him, stalked him when she came to his house, went out with him. Here, I felt their kissing scene was unnecessary too. It was just trivial to what they were going through, but him seeing the stretch marks, that was important. Because he finally saw what she faced, why she fought so hard to keep her daughter.
It was the breaking point and Maan and Geet were finally talking. I felt pity for Geet for being uable to talk about her past, what prevented her from being with Maan. But it was necessary.
I actually think you should have been more subtle about Rano and geet's story, what part she took in Geet's pregnancy. That way the Geet and Maan revelation scene would have been more of a turning point and held the essence of breaking point for all the mysteries of her past.
I am happy that they were finally able to be together despite of all of what they faced. There was the a sense of the strength of their love, what made it so beautiful- that despite all they faced, they came back to each other. They came back to love.
The 1 Year Later part was more of the Epilogues, I guess, as you sum up their story. I am happy that they were able to receive closure and after so many years, for this one special and year and many more to come,t hey were able to share a better moment, a moment worth all their troubles.
What I would advise you to do though is explain their emotions with more detail. If you wanted to, you could've just made this a play instead of a narrative story, because it heavily emphasized dialogues. There needs to be balance between dialogues and story-telling.
It was a beautiful story, Liz. I liked reading it, especially for the sake of the father and daughter bond. Despite all the troubles he faced, he found this happiness in his daughter. And it was this miraculous daughter that untied the two lovers again.
Oh and one more thing, because I kept seeing it, "then" is the transitional word, not "than". "Than" is used for comparison.
P.S Dude, I hate it when boys call girls "babe" or "baby". i find it so degrading 😭.
Nerds do not do that here in New York. Lolz, but we have a Nerd Day for Seniors Spirit Week. We get to dress nerdy-like with taped geeky glasses. 😆. I am waiting for that day in senior year 😛
The first scene of the past threw me off. Dev clearly does not seem like the typical person I would assume. He seems quite immature. Pari and Geet seem to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I don't understand why Geet would go to a party she would never appreciated even if her best friend told her to. Geet doesn't appear as innocent as she pretends to be. she's more of a daring girl who hides behind her comfort zone. A typical Indian girl would not step into such a party without the intention of somehow converting.
MSK's entrance was a little...strange. I would expect him to slap the *** out of his brother since he's clearly behind the mess, not a random dude who had nothing better to do. The guy's line :"MK just touched me" indicates he's one of those nerds.
Her entering the bedroom...god, I knew it was a bad idea. She would end up in a compromising position. And she did, in the bathroom, half naked, and staring at a man who can't get his eyes off of her.
I see that you are jumping from present to past. It can get a little confusing. But I get you are trying to create a mystery slowly revealing throughout.
Geet Handa, bluetooth, car, says she isn't the same Geet anymore.
So Anjali decided to go on her own an find her father. Brave girl. Clever as hell. I love how you included Pinky in the story, the receptionist scared out of her wits.
My favorite character is definitely Geetanjali, simply because she has a Spongebob backpack and she's got the pride to stand up to her unapproachable father. Perhaps if it wasn't for her being his child, he would've already done something horrid but hey, we'll never know.
Maan and Geet already have a past. I guess that's why he has no decency to respect her privacy. Rather he finds her half-nakedness quite amusing. I hate the way he just holds her and forces her as if he has any right to treat her that way. Geet, being helpless...she's not helpless. She has wits and she has strength but she doesn't use them well enough because it's her Maan.She can't defy Maan even if she pretends to.
Lolz. Anjali's one-liners like "I googled you" is hilarious.
Maan seems to already find a light in Anjali. He won't disappoint her even if her mother did.
Wall Street huh? The place of hotshots who can't find anything bigger than their ego. Hate Wall Street.
"Maan's hold on the frame tightened, as he came face to face with everything he had lost. "
I love this line because it gives an insight into their souls. In this story, I see more of a dialogues less of details to support their character. It's hard to read their character that way.
Maan's going to Harvard and Geet is remaining in San Francisco so she is afraid of the distance.
The making love scene was an essential part of the story because it ties into the importance of Anjali, what makes the girl so intriguing to the story besides the main couple, what she means to Maan and Geet.
When you say "his" and "her", it indicates they are together or they are possessive of each other. In Maan's pov, I understand why he might say "his Geet" because he is possessive of her. But I don't understand why she says "her Maan". Especially when she pretends to say that he is engaged. She let go of him, separated him from Anjali. It isn't her Maan. It's just Maan. Being someone's is an extremely strong term.
I love how Geet and Pari met and how Dev pulls her pigtails. You know, I heard that if a guy pulls a girl's pigtail, it means he likes her. Pari's ethnicity is amazing. I love how she is so distinguishable, it makes her an important friend.
So that's how they met. Dev and Geet may not have gotten along, but it looks like they get along now because Maan.
I love how Maan knew Geet was following him and he didn't seem to care. he in fact enjoyed it because this innocent girl liked him back. His proposal was unique to the story, and impossible to reject as well.
Geet and Anjali's relationship is quite beautiful, but very unreal. A mother would never permit her child to leave like this and not scold her, whether it be after or before their union.
I can understand why she would think, because she is a Desi girl, what they did is a sin. But when she says "Down tiger". It made no sense to her character. It was just not her, especially considering that she was just fighting with him a second ago. There needed to eb a justificationa s to why they were making love, because otherwise, it's just force and submission.
Wow, the marriage bomb was huge and a surprise. But I knew she was lying. Or else the fiance would be here by her side or she would have phone him about Anjali. I just wondered why she was lying.
Okay, I get he wanted to pick her up because he wanted talk to her and he was pissed as hell, but in front of Anjali? It made no sense. It was just inappropriate and I didn't understand Anjali's reaction to it. It is her father but why did she go to him in the first place? Because she didn't know him. But now this man she met seconds ago is picking her mother up and walking down the street. As for Geet, I would be humiliated. His actions had no excuse.
On the other hand, Maan and Anjali scenes are adorable. I love how he can find love within her, a light that allowed him to expose his vulnerable side to her.
Again, him tying her up on the bed post. You don't just meet someone 9 years apart and treat them like this. Especially considering, Maan should've matured by now. The kidnapping was, I felt, unnecessary to the storyline.
At one point, Geet say don't touch me. And I completely agree with her. She is right to ask that because he is so aggressive. It's not justifiable. But then she allows him access, by talking to her. Unfortunately, typical Maan doesn't take the offer. Which sucks. He really needs to calm down.
But when he asks that his daughter stays with him while Geet goes, it was the behavior of a father. I loved it. I love the instant bond he shares with Anjali, but if I were Anjali, I would go with my mother. Because he is still someone she just found out about. Geet striking Maan was appropriate, because it was her motherly instinct. The whole sleeping with him scene was just not necessary. It contradicted what she stands for. In the end she leaves him anyways.
Rano's behavior was justified for her because she made her daughter into someone prosperous but in one second, it was ruined. So she snapped. But the baby's life was at stake.
I love the Anjali second-guessing herself when he father puts her in the car. Because it highlights the bond Geet and Anjali shares. I am guessing you wrote this for Mother's day but it felt more like Father's day. There was more emphasis on the fatherly bond, but that moment where she was hesitant of leaving her mother, made it a mother's day. And her mother running to get her daughter, the desperation also highlighted the bond between them.
So Geet called Maan. Too bad she got a horrible response, a girl on the other line. But it was idiotic of her to misinterpret it so quickly.
I understand why he wants Anjali, because he never received a chance to be with his daughter. IT is his daughter and Geet has no right to take her away. Same with Geet. But it isn't even about that. there is Anjali's wishes to be considered.
What I didn't understand was why Maan was so shocked that she said I love you.He knew of this or else he would not have been with her. Or else she would not have followed him, stalked him when she came to his house, went out with him. Here, I felt their kissing scene was unnecessary too. It was just trivial to what they were going through, but him seeing the stretch marks, that was important. Because he finally saw what she faced, why she fought so hard to keep her daughter.
It was the breaking point and Maan and Geet were finally talking. I felt pity for Geet for being uable to talk about her past, what prevented her from being with Maan. But it was necessary.
I actually think you should have been more subtle about Rano and geet's story, what part she took in Geet's pregnancy. That way the Geet and Maan revelation scene would have been more of a turning point and held the essence of breaking point for all the mysteries of her past.
I am happy that they were finally able to be together despite of all of what they faced. There was the a sense of the strength of their love, what made it so beautiful- that despite all they faced, they came back to each other. They came back to love.
The 1 Year Later part was more of the Epilogues, I guess, as you sum up their story. I am happy that they were able to receive closure and after so many years, for this one special and year and many more to come,t hey were able to share a better moment, a moment worth all their troubles.
What I would advise you to do though is explain their emotions with more detail. If you wanted to, you could've just made this a play instead of a narrative story, because it heavily emphasized dialogues. There needs to be balance between dialogues and story-telling.
It was a beautiful story, Liz. I liked reading it, especially for the sake of the father and daughter bond. Despite all the troubles he faced, he found this happiness in his daughter. And it was this miraculous daughter that untied the two lovers again.
Oh and one more thing, because I kept seeing it, "then" is the transitional word, not "than". "Than" is used for comparison.
P.S Dude, I hate it when boys call girls "babe" or "baby". i find it so degrading 😭.
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