Kaam Rappoor-the man speaks
Hi readers! We at Tele-tit-bits are back with our next special issue. After the last issue, we received a number of complaints from our female readers that the Upset Men article was too biased and sympathetic towards the male species, and at the same time we received many thanks for giving media coverage to the # 1 problem men are facing today. Of course the complaints outnumbered the appreciation letters by hundreds. To pacify the majority of our readers, who happen to be females, we have brought to you a surprise interview! The interviewee is none other than the person who was determined to be the root of depression in men in the research we had conducted! Yes it is your very own Kaam Rappoor! We would also like to take the opportunity to thank our special staff member, who made the special effort to stay grounded while interviewing the hunk. Before you begin, let us warn you that Kaam may come across as…well, just go ahead and have a read…we will leave the opportunity of drawing conclusions to you readers.
Interviewer: Hi Kaam! How are you doing this morning?
Kaam: Hi…..its hot! Isnt it?!
Interviewer: um, we are sitting in an Air Conditioned room, Kaam….
Kaam: Yes of course…..
Interviewer: Oh! I see. Are you coming from your dispensing session…anyway, we'll get there. So, maybe we should begin….
Kaam: Oh yes, yes indeed. Please start.
Interviewer: First let's start with your new found occupation.
Kaam raising an eyebrow: which one?
Interviewer: Um…Arent you working as a 'Kiss Dispenser' for Raags Om's Company?
Kaam in a matter-of-fact way: Oh yes ! Ofcourse…its been really pleasant working with her. She has a huge list of clients. It's a booming business.
Interviewer curious: So, doesn't GG have any problem with your part time job? What are her thoughts?
Kaam coming closer to the interviewer, whispers: Actually she doesn't know….
Interviewer: She doesn't know? How is that possible?
Kaam: Well since her pregnancy I've made sure she is home bound. Plus I removed the internet connections!
Interviewer gives a confused look.
Kaam whispering: What? You still didn't understand? See the product is only available through one website. It is not available in stores. Its only available at India-Forums, so with no access to the internet, there is no way GG can find out!
Interviewer unsure of his intentions: Oh…I see. But aren't you afraid of feminists if they find out that you deprived GG of a basic facility such as the internet?
Kaam moves closer again, chuckles: Actually those women are too pleased with me to do anything…
Interviewer: Err..does that mean you brib..…How did you manage that? Man-sukhlaaaal from TKTG too was their target for his chauvinistic ways, but only a woman, Snnneha could keep them at bay by covering up for him. How did you manage them being a man?
Kaam throwing his hands in air, frustration evident: Oh no no no! Wait a minute! Are you comparing me to Man-sukhlaaaal? I mean, did you just do that? Come on now! Is Man-sukhlaaaal as filthy rich as me? Is he as young as me? And most of all is he a kiss dispenser? Huh huh? Is he?
Interviewer wipes the beads of perspiration around her mouth: I didn't mean to say that…….so how did you manage to convince them to stay away from your personal life…?
Kaam: You can imagine….
Interviewer, her eyes popping out: What? All of them?
Kaam: Yes.
Interviewer: Then one wonders, how did you manage to take time from your busy schedule, I heard you are shooting for KS 26-28 days a month!
Kaam: You haven't been watching too keenly, have you! Let me tell you this one too. Haven't you seen all those scenes where a substitute has been used for me? I skip shoots every now and then to manage my other business!
Interviewer, worried, yet continues: Oh…ok. But what about your producer, Fake-ta-Ka-Jhoot and directors? Don't they have any complaints about you repeated absences?
Kaam: I'll let you in on another secret! I have a feeling that my producer fancies JW!
Interviewer, afraid: Er…I guess that is not needed for the interview. Ok lets go back to your part time occupation. Raags recently advertised your new edition, whats the difference?
Kaam coolly: This new one is better.
Interviewer: And how is that
Kaam: For one, its lightweight, and hence more attractive, as well as convenient.
Interviewer shrugs: Im not sure I understand....attractive, ok, but convenient?
Kaam shakes his head in disbelief: That statement was quite self-explanatory.
Interviewer feeling stupid: Ok, lets move on…. But I wonder, doesn't Raags Om have problems with you because you are using the Kiss Dispenser, that is yourself, to get things done for yourself..
Kaam: Why will she?
Interviewer: Well she owns the company…
Kaam: Hold on, hold on, why are you making me publicize for Raags free of cost? No more questions on the kiss dispenser!
Interviewer highly excited suddenly! : As you wish, but this interview is one of its kind. I've interviewed CEOs, owners, and marketing directors, but never the product itself! Lets move on to your co-star Kachchi and then your recent visit to India-Forums.
Interviewer: what do you have to say of little Kachchi?
Kaam: Kachchi is a very sweet girl. Im really thankful to her. If not for her, then I would never be launched in the market. She agreed for 20 trials when no one else was willing to because of possible side effects like withdrawal symptoms, and break ups due to just one session. But Kachchi agreed to try the product, and it was perfected according to her reviews.
Interviewer: Interesting. Ok, now to India-Forums.
There is a change in Kaam's posture observed by the interviewer. He pulls his feet to himself, and begins fidgeting his fingers. Suddenly the interviewer is at ease.
Interviewer: So Kaam, when was your first visit
Kaam quietly, head down: It was the 25th of July when I first visited that forum....
Interviewer: So which was the first post you landed on?
Kaam nervous: hehehe….it was one discussing my vests…
Interviewer: Vests!?! Ok…. what about the next one?
Kaam: Umm I ….Well then I went through the fan fictions as they call them.
Interviewer: What would you like to call them?
Kaam wipes the sweat off his forehead: 'outrages!'…kissing was ok, but some of those writers had me go way too far in them…like….er..
Interviewer enjoying: I think I get it. Any particular posts that stand out?
Kaam nervously giggles: Yes…but…do I have to tell you..
The interviewer urges him to have an open conversation.
Kaam looking down, sweating like hell, laughs louder, nervous though: Well in that post I was compared to a gorilla….and there were numerous posts replying to that one with weird emoticons that seemed like they were having fits…. and .praises for the author of that post….
Interviewer: Any other experiences at IF?
Kaam laughs even louder: Umm yeah….
Interviewer offers her handkerchief: Go ahead, here, you can do it, be strong..
Kaam breaks into hysterics in between: well, I was made a 'bhoot', and I was made to play musical chairs….. and much….. much more, under what was called Musings….and again this was followed by those smileys having seizures…
Interviewer: Kaam, we heard your fans revere you, and respect you a lot…
Kaam, short of breath, breathing and laughing hoarsely, : I heard so too but…listen do I have to go through this….
Interviewer: Kaam, I had warned you before, but you gave your word you know…
Kaam displaying all the symptoms: ok, well umm…they call me Beast, Sexy Beast…and….
Interview: Kaam Kaam are you ok? You ok? OMG!
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We apologize to the readers for the incomplete interview. As Kaam relived his experience at India-Forums, he suddenly fell acutely ill. He was rushed to the nearest hospital, where the doctors diagnosed him with PTSD. Yes he is suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD is defined as the consequence of exposure to stressful events, which may result in trauma. Upon enquiry, his personal doctor informed us that Kaam regularly experiences the typical PTSD symptoms such as nightmares, flashbacks, and disturbed sleep. This has been happening since the evening of the 25th of July, 2006. The interviewer also asked the doctor why Kaam was resorting to laughter every now and then. We found out that Kaam believes in laughter therapy, and was using it in the above mentioned situation to calm his nerves, a la Boman Irani in Munna Bhai. Well, we pray he gets well soon. Until next time, its buh-bye from us at Tele-tit-bits.
Editor-in-chief
Tele-tit-bits
July 2006
Note: Please mail our office for the previous special issue.
Disclaimer: Real Names of the interviewee and those related have been withheld. Sincere apologies to feminists….everything to be taken in jest only…This article is purely a work of fiction, and any resemblance to any person, living or not, is purely coincidental.
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