Good and courteous speech - Page 2

Originally posted by: tinoo

Yes, when their approval itself has no meaning to you then why should their disapproval matter? 😆

It's a simple concept but it took me years of therapy before my therapist said that to me, and after hearing that sentence, I just sat up straight and never looked back. I was such a people pleaser before.

Unless everyone liked me, I couldnt like myself and spent years in terms of people-pleasing doing something, anything until they felt that I was okay and conveyed it to me. Then and only then could I relax. The thought of even a single person disliking me was not palatable and would cause me great discomfort. I just had the disease to please.

There are usually four ways that people define themselves --

1. who they are in terms of looks

2. who they are in terms of what they do (academic or career achievement)

3. who they are in terms of whom they know (people pleasers and those who believe in belonging to certain social groups or clubs because they believe that belonging to that club makes them more valuable in the eyes of others).

and

4. who they are in terms of their values.

The only correct way to define oneself is # 4... and # 1, 2 and 3 are superficial and ultimately cause you pain because you are always looking for approval from others to validate you.

However, when you clarify your values and take a stand for them, then you only need your own approval and your own internal conscience to define you. 👏

I belonged to # 3 and it took me a therapist to get to be # 4.

Originally posted by: tinoo

hey thanks neelakshik! I have read the book in the past, but believe that I will gain much more by reading it now, since I am "ready" for it. appreciate your posting. 🤗