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I am so not supposed to be doing this, its not even funny. Anyway, its done now. Can't take it back. Just like Cow patty Rabba Ve. It's here forever. Seared into our minds and hearts. Anyway, Maxine was invited to another secret creative team meeting of the fake IPKKND creative team, of course. Nothing official about it. Warning: This is shit. Read only if you want your head to explode.
Creative#1(Creator-in-chief, or, in common parlance, GOD):"But the IPL is on!"
Creative#2(or as the rest of the team like to call him, the Ass-kisser-in-chief-AKIC): Exactly not-so-new-director-at-the-helm. The IPL is on. Everyone's TRPs are falling. Why, even Mopey's TRPs took a beating last week. And you know. It's Mopey. She of the questionable primary sexual encounter Mopey. Mopey is infallible. And if she's falling...its either the IPL, or the Mayans had it right.
Creative#3(The one who pretended he had a soul, but was a sellout just like the rest of them Hypocriticus Soapoperaticus or, as the rest of team liked to call him-hyppo, since we was morbidly obese): "It's not the IPL. Nobody watches the IPL anymore. It's 5 years old. In TV land, 5 is like the 14 year-eczema."
Not-so-new-director-at-the-helm: *scratches head at 14-year-eczema* "Say what?"
Creative#3 (Hyppo): "Well, you know. In TV land. 3 years is the 7 year-itch. Like that show about the true meaning of relationships. It's so scratchy, its wounds are scabby and bleeding. Same with the IPL. Only, the IPl has eczema. It's not the IPL folks." he said wisely, mopping the sweat off his brow. It took effort to make the inane sound disgusting, he thought wisely.
Creative#1(Creator-in-chief, or, in common parlance, GOD): "So, what is it genius?" (GOD was always sarcastic in his dealings with Hyppo. Insecurity.)
Creative#4Le Petit Morticia (Or, The Hot One who's pants they were all trying to get into): "It's the story!" she rasped in that oh-so-sexy voice of hers that made Men swallow uncomfortably and women cast disapproving frowns at their men.
Creative#1(Creator-in-chief, or, in common parlance, GOD): *swallowing uncomfortably and feeling hot under the collar* "What do you mean Le-petit-Morticia?" he asked, feeling a Le-Petit come on at the mere thought of hearing her speak once more.
Creative#4Le Petit Morticia: "It's the story. Slum-ka-baby's slumming it isn't going down too well with the audience."
Creative#3 (Hyppo): "Hypocrites..the lot of them. Poor people do live like that. They bathe in public. Heck they poop in public. The only thing they can do in comfort is talk on the cell phone. Some of them talk on the cell phone while pooping in public. I have seen it!" he blustered.
Creative#4Le Petit Morticia: "Exactly! But we are not a gritty show out to reveal the ugly truths of public bathing. Nor are we a sitcom. We are a romantic drama. That's our USP."
Not-so-new-director-at-the-helm: "We have a USP?" *wonders what USP could possibly mean* Creatives ignore him. As usual.
Creative#2 (now venturing to change the ass he kisses): "Exactly, Morty. We aren't a comedy show. Slum-ka-baby's a comedy queen, but we can't keep relying on her to bail us out all the time!"
Creative#4Le Petit Morticia: "Two things. One. Never call me Morty again. Two, Slum-ka-baby's not the only Queen. BS(unfortunate initials those-peace out) qualifies too. With all the "I need an AC" and "This house is so LS, they don't even have a pool" act, he's the biggest queen of them all. And that doesn't go down well with any demographic," she said in the low-tone she reserved for her semi-serious strictures.
Not-so-new-director-at-the-helm: "We have a demographic?" *shakes head cluelessly*
Creative#4Le Petit Morticia: *stares not-so-new-director-at-helm into mass of jelly-like goop* "One half thinks he's being an egalitarian bas***d and the other half weeps at the thought of BS (unfortunate initials those-peace out) having to wash his ass, as oppose to wiping it with gilt-edged toilet paper."
Creative#1(GOD): "So, what do we do?" he asked looking at LPM with wide-eyed wonder.
Creative#3 (Hyppo): "We might consider writing a few episodes ourselves as opposed to letting our team of monkeys with typewriters do it this week," he said sagely.
Creative#2 (AKIC): "Hyppo! I know you're on a diet. But whatever it is you're doing, its not melting your blubber, It's melting your brains. You want us to actually write! What the!"
Not-so-new-director-at-the-helm:"We have a team of monkeys with typewriters?" Nobody even looked at him.
Creative#4Le Petit Morticia: "I have an idea. It's a winner and we won't even have to write much. You know that MU we created..."
Creative#1(GOD): "Which one? That she thinks he's going to kill her? Or that he actually wanted to throttle her, but decided to do worse and married her instead?"
Creative#3 (Hyppo): "The latter. For being GOD, you're sure stupid," he wisecracked.
Creative#4Le Petit Morticia: "Anyway. We resolve the MU. I have an MO. Listen up. In the ME, we'll use the classic MDK solution to cut the MU knot."
Not-so-new-director-at-the-helm: "What's an MU? And what's MO? Or even ME? MDK I know. That's the one in which the hot one loves the frump, but the babe loves the hot one and the frump is confused between her love for the two. The ending was just fab..." he hadn't finished when Hyppo interrupted.
Creative#3 (Hyppo): "So, are we doing the doggy or are we pulling our own deux-ex-machina?"
Creative#1(GOD): *blustering with rage* "Don't you talk disrespectfully to Le-petit, you big, fat tub of lard! She's not going to do the doggy with you. Or even the missionary. Never!" he said, spittle flying out of his mouth.
Creative#3 (Hyppo): "Sadly, that is true. But that is not what I meant. I meant are we using the doggy to resolve the MU?"
Not-so-new-director-at-the-helm: "We have a Doggy on the show?"
Creative#4Le Petit Morticia: "No, but we have a goat!" she said disdainfully. "We'll get the goat to carry a message of slum-ka-baby's innocence to BS(unfortunate initials those-peace out). ThenBS(unfortunate initials those-peace out) will know the truth. He'll forgive her for making him MU her. She'll accept his forgiveness with grace. They will MO a little. Well, not really. It's an Indian TV show. We don't MO. Maybe they will FK?" she glanced at the Not-so-new-director-at-the-helm. "What do you think? Can they FK, do you think?" she asked, cocking an eyebrow at him.
Not-so-new-director-at-the-helm: *almost passing out* "Somebody tell me what FK is. Please. I beg you."
All the creatives together: "Forehead Kiss!"
Not-so-new-director-at-the-helm: *heaves sigh of relief* "Yeah, that's possible," he said. He smiled enthusiastically for the first time since the meeting had begun. "So, we have a plan. MU's gone by the ME due to Laxmi and we end with an FK?" he confirmed. They all nodded their heads in assent.
Not-so-new-director-at-the-helm: "Team-building exercise time, people." he said. "What does our man say that makes women (and some men!) the world over swoon.
"What the!" they all intoned in the style of BS(unfortunate initials those-peace out).
Not-so-new-director-at-the-helm: "And what does our man do that makes women (and some men!) the world over swoon?"
"He f**ks up!" they said together.
"And what is our team motto?" he asked.
"It's a daily soap, don't expect quality" they all said seriously as one.
Not-so-new-director-at-the-helm: *laughs maniacally. "Quality nahin. Kaality. Kaality. Bwahahaha."
Creative#3 (Hyppo): "Err...what do we do with Bubbly?"
Not-so-new-director-at-the-helm: "We have champagne? Pour me a glass."
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