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QUANTUM OF THE OPERA
SUNANDA MEHTA
AMNESIAWhen in doubt, blank out. If only life was so simple. Rewind to Tulsi in Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi. "Mihir, why did you have an extra-marital affair?" Mihir: "Sorry honey, memory loss. I just completely forgot I was married!" No wonder Abhay in Kkusum and Sujal in Kahin To Hoga followed suit. The real tragedy: even if actors do come out of amnesia with time, script-writers continue to live there—in a world which has forgotten the art and craft of originality. BINDI Now here's an accessory that's decided to have a life of its own. One look at the bindi and the entire character sketch of the person is transmitted quicker than bluetooth. Parvati Bhabi's was the more-sacred- than-thou round red dot, Komolika's is wickedly awry; but the real dotty one, of course, was the schizophrenic variety on Ramola Sikand (Kahin Kissi Roz). Sure, sticky stuff, but remarkably effective. CONTACT LENSES Mera wala blue! Move over, Asian Paints and Goodlass Nerolac. Shade cards are passe. Now whenever you think of colour, just make contact with those angel eyes on the telly. And to think, till just a decade ago, their only customers were the Ramsay brothers. DISJOINTED FAMILIES IS THE KAHAANI GHAR GHAR KIIIf you haven't caught your stepson having a stormy relationship with the daughter of your elder brother's first wife's second husband who is the brother of your husband's first love with whom he has had an illegitimate child, baby, you haven't lived yet. EXTRA-MARITAL AFFAIRS—for the sake of brevity we'll list serials that do not have this: Son Pari and Chacha Chaudhari. FESTIVAL FERVOUR The family that prays together strays together… er stays together. 52 episodes? No problem. Open with New Year's Eve preparations, go on to Makar Sankranti, Shiv Ratri, Valentine's Day, Holi, Baisakhi, Gudi Padva, Independence day, Raksha Bandhan, Pateti, Navratri, Dussera, Karva Chauth, Diwali, Id, Christmas, New Year's Eve. Reached where you started? Good. You are now perfectly qualified to make Hindi serials. GENERATION JUMP Tired of scheming aunties and perfidious uncles? Jump 20 years into the future, a la Astitva, Kyonki, Desh Mein Nikla Hoga Chand, and whadya have? Saucy daughters, pubescent nieces, hunky nephews and out-ofwedlock sons. Same script, same sets, same expressions, same lines—but new whine in old bottle! HUSBANDS Or props. Even as the women turn hot, hip and hauter, the guys seem to strut around either to endorse hair colour or men's bridalwear. Three cheers for women's emancipation… on Indian television at least. ILLEGITIMATE A direct consequence of the afore-discussed illicit relations syndrome. There are some soaps where you can actually count the legitimate progenies. So Mandira had Karan, Prerna had Prem, Virendra had Rudra—TV is back to where Bollywood was in the 80s, when Lawaaris happened. JEWELLERY All that glitters is one carat gold. It's a whole new industry that television has spawned. As women outdo each other with kundan and gold eyesores, it's given enough reason for the rest of the populace to also start looking like their appearances have been sponsored by Tribhovandas Bhimji Zaveri. K—Kyunki Kahin Kissi Roz Yeh Kahaani Ghar Ghar Kii hogi ki Kkussum ko Kumkum aur Kesar ko Kutumb ke saath K Street Pali Hill par Koffee with Karan pite hue Karishma Kudrat Ka dikhega jo Kahin To Hoga. Yehi hai Kasautii Zindagi Kay. Korny or what? Kasamh se! LETHAL LOCKS And we are not talking women here. Shabir Ahluwalia, Akashdeep, Chetan Hansraj Saigal, Gaurav Chopra sport tresses that would make Rapunzel sack her hair-dressers. All a part of the new metrosexual look, we are told. But to be honest, it looks good. Especially when the locks cover half the face — then they look realllllly gooood. AHEM FH🤢🤢🤢..sorry, but you are well and truly amon lisa😛..buffie😈...OMGSH, who's seen AA in Lakeer; in the song 'Shezaade Nikhale'?😕..I saw it today and AA looked ewwwwwww🤢...buffie, he looked totally amon lisa😆....he had big red specs on and was pretending to be 'Mr. Cool'🤢..complete with a red and yellow jacket with denim🤢🤢...AND he had his hair spiked🤢..lmaoooooooo, it was all quite too funny😆..everytime the song said 'Wazzup? Wazzup baby?..bang bang..bang bang😆'..the camera shone at AA😆😆😆..where he mimed the 'Wazzups' and 'bang bang'😆😆..so hilarous😆😆😆..espesh. as the playback sounded like a African-American dude😆..LMAOOOOOOOOOO..how AA was trying to act😆..he tried to 'Hi5' some one with an amon lisa-ish attempt😆😆😆..and the side-step dance/rountine at the end was just LMAO😆 AA couldn't even keep up with baby steps😆..okay, he could..but looked really odd😕(amon lisa again😉)..basically, the dude looked like a "MR. Cool" wannabe😕..dude, you should stick to romancing ss rather than doing roles that are so NOT in your league👎🏼 MANGALSUTRA If there's anything giving that bindi tough competition, this is it. The heavier the better and the more suspect. Check out Prerna in Kasautii Zindagi Kay, who wears the most attention- arresting one and at last count had married thrice. NAANI Or grandmoms. Probably the only loveable and believable characters on telly — Farida Jalal please take a bow, even if Shararat has bowed out of the small screen. And likewise Baa in Kyonki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi—even if her longevity may seriously call for medical research, or at least a Guinness Book entry. Every time the serial leaps two decades, baa is still alive and kicking. Way to go, grandma! Go Bebe !!😊...she's better than all these other indian TV dadis like Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..as SS kindly screeches😛....She only went to ICU once..and never complained after that(only until the end when she fainted because of Vedika😕) OVERSEAS Karishma—A Miracle of Destiny was shot in Dubai, New Zealand and Spain, Jassi went to Mauritius, Kyonki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi and Kasautii Zindagi Kay to Australia, Astitva did London, Khhichdi capered about in Dubai. Moral of the story: If even after a 20- year leap you find TRPs refuse to leap along with you, go where Yash Chopra has always gone with wafer thin story lines —the Promised (phoren) Land. It may just work. Ahhhhh mauritius😉..you forgot the Goa😳 PLASTIC SURGERY Accident. Hospital. The other evil woman. Doctor bought or blackmailed. Hero wakes up with a new face. And memory loss. All hell breaks loose. Legitimate wife forsaken. Calculating other woman gets her man (though while she was at it, why the hell didn't she get her guy a Tom Cruise face?). All's fair in love, war and Ekta Kapoor's productions. QUO VADIS This is precisely what every viewer would like to ask every serial, "Pleeeease… where are you going?" As if we haved asked this enough in this lifetime...🤔 REMIX Move over music videos, enter the original remix serial. Then was when we watched Star Trek on telly and wished to travel in that spacecraft. Now is when the kids watch a remix and want to go to a school that allows that kind of uniform and hair cuts.SAAS-BAHU Aaah! The lifeline of serials. The crooked smile, the wicked eye and the evil heart— who could well give Machiavelli a tip or two on the art of conniving. The inlaw- outlaw shebangs are part of every self-respecting housewife's daily cereal… sorry, serial. Finally, it's all about hating his parents, darlings.
TRP The mai baap, fiend, philosopher and grind of serials. Three little letters that tell you everything about the most important love triangle of the small screen—between the serial, the viewer and the advertiser. And incidentally, the acronym stands for Television Rating Points, not Totally Ridiculous Productions. TnD🤢..money stricken🤢 UNENDING SAGAS Either they never end or they end so abruptly that you are left feeling cheated for having invested that half an hour everyweek for the past three years. Hasn't anyone in the television industry heard of something called a bound script? AHEM JJKN..😡..they didn't mention the name but its so clear that it is JJKN...😕..3 years, 1/2 an hour.....yup, thats JJKN..and we WERE cheated..big time👎🏼 VITRIOL-SPEWING VIXENS Jealousy thy name is Komolika, Monalika, Ramola, Pallavi, Annu, Ambika, Mahi. Basically, there are just two kinds of women in television land — divine and devilish. The former are called Parvati and Tulsi, the latter Rambha and Ramola. Sigh! Can we please growup? You forgot Mallika😃..remember the 'grey character'?😕 WEIRD AND WONDERFUL Ek Ladki Anjaani Si conceives even though she is a virgin—Weird. We watch and raise its TRPs—Wonderful. Have those demanding the ban on Da Vinci Code even heard of this? LMAOOOOOO...that was funny😆 XFACTOR All ex-sirens may please report to OT (Operation Television) for resurrection treatment. You will have to buy your own soft focus lenses though. Please stand in line according to seniority— Hema Malini, Zarina Wahab, Sharmila Tagore, Amrita Singh, Karishma Kapoor,Raveena Tandon. You forgot Amrita Singh😃..that woman that play(s/ed)😕 Nitya bhabhi in Kavyanjali. YEH MERI LIFE NAHIN HAI! Can we please say that to the scriptwriters—all of us who have not suffered memory loss, been to jail, come back from the dead, schemed against our in-laws, destroyed joint families, liaisoned with business rivals or spent our lives wearing false eyelashes 24X7? LOLZ..aka Bhagmathys life😆ZAPPED It's the most common look on television — and you cannot escape it because each zapped look (on an average there are about six of them in a 30- minute episode) is shown to you at least four times in quick succession, accompanied by sound effects that range from the howling of wolves or beating of 50 drums. Sometimes things are so zapping that each of the eight people in the frame get their individual "zapped" moments. That's your cue to get up and go to the loo and weep. This happend in JJKN too🤢🤢🤢...Like when A slapped J and she kept recalling the moment because it was so precious to her😛..she loved the thought of delicate, feminine hands striking on a hard, masculine face😛
