She looked at herself in the mirror one last time...yes, she was Khushi Kumari Gup...no, not Gupta...nor Raizada...just Khushi Kumari...
She picked up her handbag...the same one she used to carry around everywhere before her sudden wedding...picked up the small suitcase containing all the necessities of life...no jewellery...no sari's...nothing to proclaim her as Mrs Khushi Kumari Raizada. On her feet were her sandals, the same ones which had hindered her many a time. She wore the same orange suit she had worn at the start of that fateful day, the only item of clothing left from her past. Her hair was braided and hung to one side, as she had worn it so long ago. It had only been six months yet felt like a life time.
The sindoor...the mangalsutra...one lay on his pillow...the other resting on top of his bedside draw. Both given to her that day...both now returned...
He pushed Di away...didn't see her falling onto the sofa as her leg gave away...didn't see Akash reaching out for him...didn't see Nani's horrified face...didn't hear his name being shouted by Bhuaji...didn't see his mother in law frozen in place...didn't hear his father in law making sounds, like a wounded animal...didn't see Payal sobbing...his vision was blurred...the pain was never ending...his chest felt as if in the grip of a monster...his body curled inwards...he held his head to stop the memories...
*flash*
Her tears as she succumbed to his demand for marriage...
*flash*
Her horror at being dragged up the stairs of the mandir...
*flash*
Her agony as he harshly applied the sindoor to her head...
*flash*
Her voice laden with pain as she told him of being made an orphan yet again...
The emptiness in her eyes from that day on...
All his doing...
If only he had been able to understand the pain in her eyes, the truth in her face...but he hadn't...and now...
She stood behind the pillar, watching him...
He was on his knees, head curled towards the floor, his hands clawing his hair...his face twisted in a mask of agony...he rocked back and forth...no sound escaped his lips...
She must not look at him...for she would be lost if she did...
She turned away, picked up her suitcase and started walking towards the back door, each step taking her away from him...
Step...
The bindi on the mirror...
Step...
The bangles he had bought for her...
Step...
The bandage he had wound around her cut finger...
Step...
The medicine he had made her drink at the dhabba...
Step...
The water he had used to break her fast...
She would leave all these memories, for they were part of her past, a past full of possibilities, a past that belonged to a Khushi Kumari Gupta, a girl who no longer existed...washed away in a torrent of tears, heartache and abuse...
All she had wanted was his love, his company, to hear his laughter, to wipe away his tears, to be held safe in his arms...the arms which had become her cage...
She remembered his disdain...his hatred...his condemnation...all clearly written on his face and seen in his eyes. From the moment she opened her eyes in the morning to the second she closed her eyes at night, she saw herself reflected in his eyes...made worthless...hateful...unwanted...
She had become used to it after a while. They may have pretended to care, to say it didn't matter, to act as if the wedding hadn't affected them...but she knew...she knew they blamed her...for was she not a gold-digger...the one who had destroyed her sisters' wedding day...one who would do anything to get her hands on money...They had tried to treat her the same as her sister but the silences when she entered the room, the food she had made being pushed away, the awkwardness when they had to include her in family functions...they tried to hide it but their faces gave them away...their glances towards each other...their effusive welcomes when she returned from outings...
Each time she saw the displeasure at her appearance on their faces, she died just a little more...until one day she just stopped feeling anything...as if her heart had turned to stone...cold as ice...hard as a diamond...her tears had dried up...her eyes had emptied...
She must not look back at him...for the balm for her pain was him...
...and now she would never forgive him, for what he had done was unforgivable. He had taken away her family, her pride, her self- respect...he had extinguished that fierce spark...that infectious laughter...that steely determination...all his fault...
So many clues...clues he had not seen...not wanted to see...
...he way she turned away whenever Jijaji entered a room...he had taken to be her trying to hide her pain from her lover...
...the way she made sure she was never alone with Jijaji...he had taken to be her way of making sure no one saw what they did alone...
...the way she had avoided Jijaji...he had taken to be her way of coping with the loss of Jijaji...
And the things she did for others...
...the way she had looked after Di...he had taken for her plan to ingratiate herself with Di...
...the way she had looked after the household...he had taken to be her plan to rule at Raizada Mansion...
...the way she took care of Nani...he had taken to be her plan to make Nani become dependent on her...
She had done all this without complaint, without uttering a protest against the treatment she received in return...
...Mami's snide comments...Nani's coldness...Di's disregard...Akash and Mama's aloofness...Payals disrespect...
All taken, without shedding a tear in front of them. He had heard her sobs...deep, wracking sobs...the sound of a broken person...a broken heart. He had turned away each night, taking her cries to be for Jijaji. One night soon after, he had not heard the cries...had gone to see what she was doing...she had been standing in front of the window...still as a statue...frozen...hardly breathing...not a sound...every night from then on she had stood there...for hours maybe...he didn't know...hadn't checked...hadn't cared...
She had stood in front of that window, looking up at the stars, two amongst them her parents, all she had now...she lost track of time each night...sometimes waking up in her bed not knowing how she had got there...sometimes not sleeping at all...moving away as dawn painted the sky a bright orange glow...
The same routine day after day...eating alone...sitting alone...crying alone...
She had ached for someone to hold her...to say it would be alright...to wipe her tears...to smooth her hair from her face...to ease the throbbing pain in her chest...
She had seen him at the doorway, night after night...yet he never came to her...always turned away...leaving her...yet again...abandoned...alone...
They had come to visit...her family. Always running to Di...hugging her...kissing her...giving her their blessings...they would turn away when she drew near...shunning her...recoiling if she held her hands out...the blame still in their eyes...always there...always reminding her that she was not their daughter, niece, sister...
Soon she had stopped that...stopped turning to them...stopped the hope in her eyes...stopped the instinct to run to them...she would silently leave the room...hear their sighs of relief...her heart breaking anew each time...
Smile, smile, smile...each time visitors came...each time the servants addressed her...each time they went out...it was just moving muscles on her face...she had become an expert at it...she could smile in an instant...people always said she had a beautiful smile...
No one had looked into her eyes to see if the smile was reflected there...they all saw the perfect bahu, wife, sister, daughter...didn't see the black, empty holes her eyes had become...devoid of all emotion...the windows to her heart closed...barred...
She must not look back at him...for her soul resided in him...
He had to find her...tell her how sorry he was...for every harsh word he had uttered...every tear he had been responsible for...tell her that he was willing to do anything for her forgiveness...
He snapped upright and stood up. They all looked at him, the shock evident in their eyes, the guilt written all over their faces...for they had all been part of her torture...
He turned away...didn't have time for them...had to find her...
He ran up the steps...two, three at a time...faster...faster...nearly there...their room...her prison...oh god what had he done???
Why had he been so blind...so hurt that he hadn't seen her pain...hadn't seen her loneliness...her withdrawal...until one day she was not the Khushi he had known...an empty shell...broken...
He reached for the door handle...hesitated...unsure...confused, but desperate to see her...
He pulled the handle...the door swung open...
Anupamaa
Cricket
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