So, you are worried. Can't sleep at night for wondering if Anjali knows her hubby's a snake with Icchadhari properties? Get zits thinking about whether Arnav is going to force himself on Khushi? (W*F! No!) Dream about Snake choking on his own venom? Click mindlessly on every "Keep the faith people, Arhi will make it!" post? Chew the ends of your thinking pencil off wondering if he will carry her over the threshold? (Ans: Big fat No. He might push her over the edge, though!) If the answer to all those questions is Yes, you are in the right place. You have issues. And Maxine's Mind-body intervention technique has the answer.
Technique 1: Now, this technique works only if you are married or taken. All you single women out there, the next one's for you. You guys can skip this one!)
This technique is really, really easy. You tell your spouse/boyfriend/boy-toy/gigolo/man you're having an affair with behind your husband's back, to go to Bikram Yoga with you. Like seriously. Tell a man he has to perform contortionist movements in tight clothes (preferably spandex!) in a room heated to 85 degrees and watch the fun. He will buy you diamonds, take you out to dinner, heck, he'll even watch Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham with you. If he's desperate, he might even listen to your Air Supply play list without sniggering. And you will get the royal treatment for a week. Which should be (unless you are seriously depressed, in which case you need help that Maxine cannot provide. See a real doctor!) enough to tide you over the blues.
Technique 2: Now, if you are single and pathetic (like me!) here's what you do. You recite to yourself (as many times as it takes to get the message home). 'ASR is just a character. He doesn't exist. I am an actual person. I am single. '
After you say that about 5 times (2 times if you aren't what we call dheet) you will get that this ASR/Arnav delusion you've been harboring, its pathetic. Your life. even more pathetic. If you retain some (like a tiny little smidgeon) of hope for your life, you will go out there and find yourself a man. Much more fun than drowning in IPKKND angst, promise!
Technique 3: I'm all about equality of the sexes. So, if I provide tips for women, I provide tips for men. So, if you're a guy and reading this, firstly, Bwahahahahaahaha to you! Secondly, Maxine suggests you watch cricket instead. India loses a lot. But you know why it's more fun? There's more blame to go around. It could be Dhoni's fault for being such a cool captain he's practically made of ice and his brain is frozen. It could be Yuvi's fault for going off and getting Cancer so inconveniently at a time when the nation needs him. (Yuvi, I love you. Kisses.) It could be Sreesanth's fault, for well, calling himself a fast bowler, when all he really is, is an Orangutan on steroids. And we all know it's never God's fault. (God is spelt SRT, OFC!). See, much more fun? It's not all about ASR or KKG! Na-uh. Plenty of blame to go around. More sides to take. More jokes to make. Ya-uh. Get a life people. IPL's coming up! Pick a team. And if you still pick team ArHi, well, Maxine says she'll shed a tear for you. (Crocodile tears, Maxine doesn't do actual tears).
Technique 4: So, this is a unisexual/transsexual/crossdressers/well, everyone's invited technique. This is the easiest physically. But mentally, extremely challenging and requires extreme will power. Like Lance Armstrong level Cancer-fighting, Tour-de-France winning, I-will-put-myself-through-hell-but-I-will-do-this-level-willpower. I think you get the idea. So, here's what you need to do.
That little oblong plastic thing in front of you. You know, that thing sitting on your side table. The one your kids stash into sofa corners. With the buttons and all. Yep, that's the one. Pick that up very carefully. Then press the forward (or backward!) arrow button. Voila! Ze channels on your television will change. My suggestion. Watch the National Geographic channel. They show lots of Panda sex. Even Pandas get more action than ArHi. (Go, watch it now. You know you want to!)
Maxine's special tip: Do anything with the remote, but do not go one hour back in time on the same channel to watch the show that has Mopey and The Beast doing their best to desexualize the institute of matrimony under the watchful eyes of Grumpila and Hapless-etal. If you do, I promise you, your IPKKND angst will turn into existential angst. Much more painful.
Technique 5: This one's for the no-hopers.
Youtube people! Watch all the happy scenes. Weep. Rinse and repeat. Doesn't help with angst. Only staunches flow. It's what we like to call palliative medicine.
Alrighty, everyone. If you have a better technique, lemme know. Share the wisdom. Help your bretheren. If you are self-actualized enough to not care, well, la-di-dah for you.
Have a great weekend peeps!
Cheers!
Vidhya/Maxine
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