New OS:A Mother's Dilemma updt Pg-4

"...tho kya sab ki ehsaanon ka badla main hi chukatha rahoon",Kesar complains to Panba.

Panba: "Kesar"

Panba's strict tone stops him from saying anything else and before Panba could continue, Kesar gets up and says angrily, "baa,main chaltha hoon.kharkhane mein bahut kaam hai.der ho jaayegi..." and he leaves. He fails to notice the trembling shadow hidden behind the door.

Gulaal had been coming to Panba to give her tea. She had been about to enter the room when she heard the loud voices of Kesar and Panba. She wanted to go back but the mention of her name halted her in the tracks and she stood rooted to the spot. She had to admit that when she heard Kesar say "maine zaroori nahi samjha"to Panba's question as to why he did not take her to her parent's house, her heart broke a little.

As she walked back to her room she kept thinking what had happened to her Kesar? Where was the sweet,innocent boy who had been her best friend, who would fight for her with the whole world, who always brought a smile to her face, who never, ever would even dream of hurting her.

Gulaal entered her room with heavy steps,closed the door and leaned against it with her eyes closed.Suddenly she saw the young Kesar screaming "mere ilaava tujh par koi rang nahi laga sakta,tu bhi nahi".A smile forms on her face when another flash of memory hits her.Panba had ordered her to leave home after Vasant's death for her own good and as she was about to leave,Kesar held on to her saree pallu and cried "math jaa Gulaal".It broke her heart to see him in so much pain.Her smile disappears and tears start flowing freely.She opens her eyes and comes back to the present.

What had happened to him that changed him so much? She had been waiting for him to return for so long now. For 10 years she kept sending him letters, letting him know how much she cared for him, loved him but he never answered back. She waited for him each year to come home for a vacation but he never came. Every time she would go to visit him in the hope that maybe this time he would see her but he never did. She kept telling herself that maybe he was still angry with her for sending him far away from her and that everything
would come back to normal once he came back but the thought no longer comforted her. She never broke down, never lost her hope once in 10 long years but now she was finally beginning to realize that maybe her Kesar was lost forever. He would never come back to her, but how could she give up on him so easily-maybe one more try wouldn't hurt, she thought with a renewed determination. The next day she went up to his room with a glass of milk but once again his attitude pained her. The look of absolute indifference on Kesar's face coupled with his harsh words yesterday finally broke Gulaal. She left the room in haste before he could see her tears and in the sanctuary of her room she cried out quietly, "mujhe maaf karde Vasant.main kamzor pad rahi hoon.lekin main kya karoon,main Kesar ki berukhi bardaasht nahi kar paa rahi hoon.Vasant,woh mujhse nafrat karta hai aur main wajah bhi nahi jaanti.maine bahut koshish ki usse baat karne ki,usse wajah jaanane ki lekin woh tho mujhe dekhte hi ukhad jaata hai.sach kahoon tho main use samajh nahi paa rahi hoon.kabhi-kabhi tho lagta hai ki yeh mera wohi Kesar hai lekin phir agle hi pal woh itna anjaana sa lagne
lagta hai.mujhe samajh nahi aa raha ki main kya karoon". She goes near Vasant's photo, caresses it and says, "maine kuch socha hai Vasant,shaayad yeh tumhe acha na lage.lekin iske ilaava mere paas aur koi raasta bhi tho nahi bacha.main har mumkin koshish kar chuki hoon aur main nahi chahthi ki meri wajah se Kesar ko ghar waalon ki daant phatkaar sun ni pade.aaj se main Kesar se door rehne ki koshish karungi.mujhe dekh kar agar use takleef
hothi hai tho yehi acha hai ki main uske saamne na aaun.shaayad isse Kesar ko khushi mil jaaye..."

At Kharkhana Kesar couldn't concentrate on the work and Dushyant's presence didn't help either, he decided to seek solace of his favourite spot near the pond and started reflecting on PB's words from the morning, he felt guilty and remorseful remembering her tears that was always his nemesis, he thought about his snub to her this morning when she turned up with the glass of milk, even after his rude behaviour the previous day and his total ignorance of
her after his return even though she was all around in the privacy of his room, always around when he closed his eyes, even when he just stared into that still water surfacing over the waves and when he created ripples through that quiet water by throwing stone she will still not leave him in peace, why was she around always...

PB : "Tu aa gaya Kesar, badi der kar di, Muje tujse kuch baat karni
hai''

Kesar : "Ba muje bhi aapse kuch khena tha,woh aaj main Kharkhane se.."

PB: (with complaining voice)" Kaha tha ab tak, tera phone bhi bandh tha"

Kesar: (bit wary of what was coming) "woh main kuch dosto se milne chala gaya tha".

PB: "Kesar maine chahti thi ki tu Gulaal ko uske ghar kuch din ke liye chod aaye,teri ek bhul ki wajah se kahi woh log hamare bare main koi galat dharna na bana le,Kesar yeh gaav hai,yaha har rishte ko bahut he samajdari se nibhana

padta hai, per tera koi ata pata nahi tha isliye muje Dushyant ko bejna pada

Gulaal ke saath''

Kesar(shocked and angry):" Ba main aapse apni galti ki maafi magne hi aaya tha, agar aap chahte to main hi usse chod aata, aapne Dushyant Bha ko kyu takalif di?"

PB: "Agar tu apni jimmedari samajta to muje usse kehna na padta, aasha karti hu ki aage se aise galti nahi hogi'.."

Kesar in his room pacing around trying to grasp the ramifications of his decision not to take Gulaal with him to her mayka'the room already looked like a battlefield and constant pounding of his head didn't help the matter either...

"I can't believe Pan Ba couldn't even wait for me to return or provide me a chance to explain, and how can Gulaal go without telling me, how could she..., how dare she..., after all she is...she is...answerable to me..." Kesar sat down on the bed holding his head in his hands. "hmm kis haq se..."

"Wait what am I thinking after my rude and ruthless behaviour over past few days how can I expect her to be here waiting here for me with questions in her eyes that she invariably wouldn't have asked and for me to walk right past her with a triumphant smirk mocking her situation dependent on me obliging my duties toward her...my duties.

What is bothering me more that she left without telling me or the fact that she left with Dushyant bha, If only she would have given me chance to rectify my mistake well was it really a mistake? then what is she doing hiding the biggest secret for almost a decade, is that a mistake or crime, is my mistake bigger than her crime, why is that whatever I do always snowballs into something affecting so many lives where as she gets away with hiding a murderer'why is life so unfair...

Why am I not confronting her, what am I afraid of, why every time I think of asking her I am weighed down by such heavy feeling, why I believe that you could do no wrong & you could have ulterior motives, why am I unable to doubt your integrity, so many questions I keep asking myself from past 10 years.when will these be answered...

I don't know Gulaal, I wanted to hurt you, hurt you so much and that's why I didn't take you with me today but I can't explain this hurt, this pain, this guilt that I am feeling inside, why hurting you always ends up hurting me, why am I going to live each day waiting for you to return only to turn away the moment you walk in through those doors...why..."