I thought this was kind of funny. Found it in the indian idol site.
@http://o3.indiatimes.com/television
Indian Musical Reality Shows
These days we have this new tide of television programs that are sweeping the audience off their emotions in a big way.
Gone are the days when mothers used to cry watching those TV serials showing misbehaving children, or mother-in-laws (popularly known as 'saas') used to shed bucketful of tears everytime a daughter-in-law (popularly known as 'bahu') controlled their son like a remote control or 'bahu's used to cry foul over the dictatorship of a 'saas' over their husband.. Well, almost.. there are still some serials running on the 'K-band'!
But the limelight has largely been stolen by a slew of reality TV shows - a direct inspiration from the reality struck western media. Shows such as Indian Idol, Fame Gurukul, Sa Re Ga Ma Pa Challenge 2005, Deal Ya No Deal, Kam Ya Jyada, Kaun Banega Karodpati are at the top of the viewership charts. For those who weren't on this planet for the last couple of years and didn't know what these shows are (!!) - here is a 1-line description: Basically these are musical and game reality shows with significant viewer participation where the contestants play the game while putting their miseries, emotions and life on the line to win.
In the near future, one can hope to see Universities teaching how to participate and win in a reality game show. Come to think of it, one can earn Crores of rupees here.. why do you need a Masters in Computers or Business management for this? Just play the right cards, have the right wrapper on you, know what the buzzwords are, learn to cry on screen at the very mention of your parents and basically know the pulse of the audience and you are a celebrity! So wait, let me give you a good step by step tutorial on this since we don't have such universities and coaching classes yet. You should be glad that I am not charging for this valuable advice that can make you a 'Crorepati' in no time!
Now, let me ask you.. Do you want to make it big in a Musical reality show?
Let's examine the setup first. There will be a host - a prominent figure in the music industry, a panel of judges - again celebrities in and out of the music industry, contestants and the audience. Not to mention some totally useless and unrelated people such as costume designers, psychologists, gym instructors, personality development advisers, choreographers, yoga teachers, stress management consultants, PR specialists, grief counselors, astrologers, spiritual leaders..!
In the past, in the 'pre-reality' era atleast, musical shows used to be all about the..? surprise, surprise?.. singing talent alone! Now they are about X-Y-Z factors, audience psychology, getting sympathy votes, being glamorous and an almost endless drumbeat of wanting to fulfil your parents' dreams! Don't let that scare you.. just dive into it and let me guide you through the whole process.
What? did you just say "I can't sing"? Well, if you did really raise this utterly stupid - albeit naive - objection, all I should say at this point is that you do not qualify to have this dream! But do not despair, I can accomodate you. Here is what you need to do.
1. First, go ahead and take a look at yourself in the mirror. If you are a girl, are you pretty or can be made to look glamorous or are quite the opposite? We can make it work in any case. You just need to have the right strategy. If you can possibly look great, you need to really start looking glamorous, wear outfits that can appeal to the masses. And if you are not a looker, make sure you have a story to tell. More about that later..
If you are a boy, do you look like a movie star from some angle? Go ahead and ask around. If yes, you are in luck. If you don't look like one, atleast you should have looks that can stir certain feelings in the minds of teenage girls. That will help them squeeze money out of their parent's pockets to pay for the SMS voting they will do for you. Make sure you can show some style - in the weird sense of the word that is. Long hair, colored hair, gelled hair, earrings..? If everything else fails, again, make sure you have a story to tell. More about that later..
2. Are you coming from a far off unprivileged region in India? If yes, that will work for you big time. Don't ever be from Mumbai or Delhi - c'mon you pampered spoiled kid, why would you need a Crore even if you were living in Dharavi? But if you are, then make sure you have a story to tell.. More about that later..
3. Are you a good singer? Umm.. well, don't get defensive there, do you atleast have a teacher or someone you can call your 'Guruji'? Yes? Good.. because you need to remind people of Ekalavya and things of that nature. If not, again, you need to have a story.. more later..
4. Are you rich? hmm.. things get a little complicated here.. it's good if you are rich.. but then you need to look great. Otherwise, everything will go against you. But in that case, you need a story..
5. Can you get involved in some community work? Now "what's that?" you may ask. So let me fill you in.. say you visit an orphanage, or an old age home, or a homeless shelter, or visit the AIDS victims.. ever heard the phrase "woman/man of substance"? You need to be that. You think all this sounds like politics? You bet it is. And if you can manage to shed a tear here or there when you are visiting any of these places, kudos to you!! You have scored huge already.. people love these things like they love desserts after their meal.
6. Now coming to the most important and crucial point. Do you have a story? An emotional one.. like you want to make your parents proud, maybe that your mother raised you all by herself or your parents had a bad financial patch and now you want to make them proud, maybe how they never said no to you for anything you asked, or how people used to say to them that you didn't have any future but they believed in you.. stuff like that? Talk to your parents and see if you can come up with something like that.. make sure they learn to say how precious you are to them, that you have made them proud as no other child can. They need to be able to say this with tears in their eyes. Get the idea?
I mean, if you thought you are in this alone, you are dead wrong. You need to rally your entire family behind this. You need them there in front of you, in front of the cameras.. to exchange emotions, to provide the so-called moral support, to display a reason behind you wanting this victory so bad. You can't just go out there on your own and want it all for yourself! How greedy of you to think like that! You need to show everybody how you want it for your parents or for your teacher or for your community.. anybody but you!
If you can manage that and manage to get something like 'tumhare sanskar achhe hai' out of the judges, I think you are on the right track! Remember people are dying to see your 'sanskar' here - they don't care how you sing. Even if you sing real bad but touch your mother's feet before doing that, the audience will voluntarily see a Mohd Rafi in you.. guaranteed! Yes, remember to touch everybody's feet.. even if it's someone who won this contest last season! Pay your respects to the stage, the audience, the host, the judges, the microphone, the lights, whatever you see and don't ever ever forget your parents. The more you bend, the more you will rise in the popularity rankings.
Note that your popularity is not in the votes, however. A million votes does not entail a million heads. Your popularity can be totally hijacked by a handful of people with enough bucks in their wallets. Let's say 100 middle-class people happily put in a vote for you. And 10 wealthy individuals put in 11 votes each for your competitor.. farewell, my friend! You may be popular, but you have to be popular amongst the right people. Earn popularity among college kids, girls, who can tap into their father's pockets to pay for their 100 SMSs. This is not a democratic election..
In all this pandemonium of reality, if you thought the judges are the real thing and they understand better, nothing can be far from the truth. The judges are too overwhelmed with reality and they often lose their sense of judgement. They will praise someone who is a total musical idiot, and they may find something negative to say about someone who is the best in the lot. This unrealistic side of reality is what you need to get accustomed to.. you may question a judgement but not openly. You may be an Aishwarya Rai but someone else might get all the praise for being beautiful. You may be a Lata Mangeshkar but someone else will be called the future melody queen. You may have heard that Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and here, reality is in the eyes of the unreal.
The show will put you on stage and keep asking things like what it means to you to win and what if you lose - till you cry. It will inject in your body all these 'what-if' scenarios and will want to see your pain in return - "what if you don't reach the next stage, what if you lose, what happens to your dreams, you were thinking of using this money for your sister's marriage - what will happen now.." They will try hundreds of knives and see where it hurts you the most.
The faceless and the most unpredictable force in all this is the audience - the ultimate idiot! Everybody wants to play safe with Him since He holds the cell phone. Collectively, this force has no brain and garbage comes out of almost every round of SMS results. But you cannot say anything bad about the audience. They may have voted you out because -------->>
Just as there are Do's here, there are some Don't's too! Never try something like 'Aaj mera gala kharab hai' - that one never worked for anybody even if it could be true. Admit to your mother who is sitting in the audience with tears in your eyes that you did not sing well but promise to fulfil her dream anyhow. A sad tune will automatically play for you in the background - free gift from the TV channel - and some wet eyes will follow!
Never show that you are happy when you get the highest number of votes, make sure you empathize with the one who lost. Say that he/she was more deserving even if that's the last thing you think. I mean, you need to camp out there with all kinds of pretty lies you can think of. Only then my friend will you achieve success!
My advice to the future aspirants is to be that sweet underdog who always gets tagged as incompetent and a non-singer, but who tastes the sweet success in the end.. and make sure to send me a cut.. I changed my mind.. I think I should charge for all this advice!!
Anupamaa
