Hello.
Dear Diary,
Today is Nov. 8 2010, nothing special to most people but for me it marks 6 months since I have become a prisoner in this beautiful mansion. 6 months since my family, my mom and dad, happily sold me to the Khurana family in the name of dignity and respect. 6 months since I became Mrs. Geet Maan Singh Khurana. Mrs., such a small thing to mark the changes in a woman's life. All that I was and never will be, changed by the name Maan Singh Khurana. Remembering back to who I was 6 months ago, makes me cry. The dreams I had of a soft romantic love, the perfect guy, the beautiful wedding, the dream of becoming someone important in life and becoming most important to a man, all the dreams a girl dreams of gone with the swipe of a pen. That's how I was married, in a courthouse surrounded only by my family and his; the demand he had made stating that if he was being forced to marry, he would not waste time with all the celebratory procedure, that this would be handled like the business deal it was, with signatures. The only consolation I had was that I finished college before I was married. I wonder if he even thinks about me. All I am left with in the last 6 months is time, time to think about the past, the non-existent future, and the bleak today. The funny thing is, at least the family I got with marriage was similar to what I had dreamed of; a loving, doting grandmother, 2 brother in laws who liked me, and a sister in law, who doesn't like me as much but still nice. The only one who I had the most problem with was my husband, the one thread, the one relationship that ties me to everyone else in the house.
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During marriage, the one and only conversation I had with him was when he was explaining to me, that the reason for this agreement, the only reason was that his grandmother had not being doing well and he wanted to keep her as happy as possible. Another thing I was informed of was that I was expected to portray the role of the eldest daughter in law of the house perfectly, I would take over the duties and act as hostess for the family and the Khurana Empire, so that Daadimaa could lessen her burden. At that moment, I had started my journey of dislike for him, it was not so much his words or sentiments, but his expressions which made me off-set, his look so skeptical if I was up for mantel of his wife. So funny, those instances of hatred, now when I think of them, they would have been preferred to the feelings which I have for him now. It was a hard journey for me to learn him, as he had preferred to avoid me when possible, an easy thing to do with a mansion of this size and the amount of work he piles on himself. But, learn him I did, through the insistence of Dadimaa, Dev, Vicky, and even Naintara with their stories of him, and mostly through his interactions with them; though he is as though with everyone else as he was with me, with them there is a softness around his eye, a lightness of mood. It was harder still for me to read him because as open minded as I am, I had tied a scarf of dislike around my eyes since that day in court when I had been explained my 'station' in his life.
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Funny enough the break from our mutual avoidance and my dislike had come during some of my 'lessons' on being a good Delhi hostess. He had decided to give me lessons on the proper etiquette that was a part of every day life of a socialite, and to my surprise he is a good teacher. Even if it was only during those times, he actually loosened up enough to share some of himself with me, giving me the opportunity to open myself up to him. During that time, I cannot pin point a specific point when I started to like him and eventually love him. How I wished I had hid myself from those eyes, that sole penetrating gaze. Slowly we became friends and grew a little less apart from being stranger. The man who had become my life-partner by force, was slowly becoming my life by choice; my reason to breath, to live. How foolish it was of me to forget that the lines on my hand where never running according to my wishes. It was after 2 months of being married and earning friendship from him that I learned the reason for his dispassion towards women in general. Turns out he had a love, a college sweet heart. He had actually proposed to her about two year's ago but she had refused and left for Mumbai saying that she was not ready yet, and that her dream was to become a big actress not another tycoon's wife. Foolish girl, given the chance I would never turn away from his love now. Everyone insists that he seems very happy with me, and its good to see him move on in life. They don't know the truth about our marriage, they cant see how we sleep separately, they don't hear the longing in his voice when he remembers his past, they haven't seen his collection of her pictures, they haven't heard his request that I never fall in love with him because he likes me as a friend and if I was in love with him, then he would not know how to behave with me. Even I don't think I would have found about all this, if he had not come home drunk and depressed that one night.
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It had been the day of his parent's anniversary and also the day he had proposed to her 2 years ago. After Vicky had carried in a disheveled and drunk Maan, I had heard all those things from him in his inebriated state. The next day, he had not remembered any of our conversation, and I have pretended to do the same but how could I forget. It was easy enough then, when I had not realized my feelings but its kind of like the situation where you warn someone not to look down and the first thing they do is look down. I was greatly disturbed by his warning and even more disturbed that I was disturbed in the first place, I mean I had dislike the man so much only few months ago, why should I care if he does not want me to fall in love with him? But the more I tried to dismiss him, the more I thought about him, the more aware I became of him, and the more aware I became of him the more I was entranced by him. It did not take me long until my mind was constantly running on a Maan loop, and it I inevitably took the final dive into falling in love with him. The past few months, I have even surprised myself how good of an act I have kept up of being the happy go luck person but inside I suffocate each day. Each morning and night brings me pain of unrequited love, and to make it worse its for a man who is joined to me for life but not joined to me in love. So remembering my past, I cry because at least then I could dream but now, even having realized my first and last love, I don't hold the luxury to dream because he already holds them broken in his hands.
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So here I sit, in one of the most beautiful saris I have ever seen, adorned in jewelry loving made for me by daadimaa and about to host the biggest, most beautiful party of the season, and all I can think of is the fact that once again tonight I will wear a mangalsutra around my neck which has never touched his hands and apply sindoor to a maang which will never know his touch. In these 6 months, I have gone from a prisoner due to his indifference and scorn to a prisoner of heartbreak, a person never breaking free of the confines of this mansion, first because of lack of choice and now because of lack of heart. Sometimes, I think it is so true that ignorance is bliss, had I not known love, I would not have know this constant ache, but even knowing that I will choose to love him. My husband. I have to go, everyone is waiting.
Geet Maan Singh Khurana
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Dear Diary,
It's been a while since my last entry. About a month and a half has passed since the successful completion of the party. The 6 weeks which have followed have been a new level of heaven and hell for me, heaven because Maan is spending more time at home and hell because his first love, Sameera, is back in town. My future seemed bleak enough when I was competing with a ghost, fighting for him now is impossible. I met her at that party, and funny enough even I cannot find fault with her. She is the complete opposite of me, she calm, collected, breath taking, and even nice. Plus, its hard to compare, to compete when my name was never even entered into the race for my husband's heart. Truthfully said if I even had an inkling that he felt a sliver beyond friendship for me, I would fight, hook or crook, to make sure he stayed mine, but alas I can only look on in helpless fascination the way he acts around her. It hurts that even my new family likes her, and following Maan's example does not hold her accountable for her refusal to marry. I don't know if I would have felt better if they had but I don't think I can fell worse than I do with their forgiveness. My only hope has come to me by the arrival of my friend Rohan. He acts as a good relief from the stress and hopelessness of my despair. He came here about 3 weeks ago to start a new job at Khurana Industries, he's the new project manager.
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It was a surprise for me to run into him, as we had completely lost touch when he had finished college 2 years ago and left for the US to complete his MBA. The way I ran into him reminded me of how we had met during my freshmen year. He had been a part of the junior-senior team who was ragging the freshman, and I had been chosen as one of the goats. It was a good thing, I was forewarned about the freshman ragging and had gone to college prepared. As it turned out it had been his task to get me to the stage and dump colored water on me but by fortune, he had been the one who ended up getting wet. Anyways, I had gone to Maan's office to drop off some papers there by Dadimaa's request. So it happens, I also had a cup of coffee with me but was not paying attention to where I was going because I was too focused on Maan, I had bumped into Rohan and he had ended up wet yet again. Poor guy, he always ends up ruining his shirts because of me, it's a good thing he was a friend or I surely would have been dead, considering the looks Maan was throwing my way. It's his good comic and fun loving nature which has kept me from the despair of seeing Maan and that woman spend time together. Though for some reason it seems to me that Maan does not like him that much, even though he was the one who had personally hired Rohan. Never mind, I am probably over analyzing situations. Maan's look is off most of the time when he looks to me, even thought that front has improved in the last few months, why should his behavior not extend to my friends when they come to visit me at home? Though he does tend to tolerate Pinky and Adi now, when they come visiting. I guess he will become more accustomed with time. Well, what does it matter, its not like I say anything when She comes to visit, so he cant object to my friends. Daadimaa likes the fact that I am getting more friends in Delhi, she feels it will make me less home sick. I have to go, Maan is bellowing my name again, wonder what I did again?Geet Maan Singh Khurana
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Dear Diary,
Again I apologize its been yet another 7 weeks before I could talk to you, but what can I say the title of Mrs. Khurana comes with so many responsibilities, and they seem to have increased a lot in the last few weeks. It seems it was not enough for me to throw that very successful party, for the past few weeks Maan has kept me very busy with multiple parties and dinners for family friends and clients. Suddenly, I am swamped with list of duties from him, I mean I have other things to do as well but no, he wants me to act as his secretary, hostess, etc, etc. I don't understand him, he used to do all these things or have his office secretary do them but now, he has me go almost everywhere with him and asking me so many questions. I can't go anywhere without him there. I don't see why he is torturing this way now? I am what, does he want me to get fed up and leave, or something. It's disgusting, he could ask me or something, instead of doing this to me. I know he does not know of my feelings and as such, he does not know the extent of torture he is putting me through by being just there, and me not being able to touch him or express my love for him. He has me so involved with his projects, parties, etc. that I have not even had time for any of my friends. I thinks the last time I properly hung out with Rohan or Adi was probably 6 weeks ago. Not only that, the few times that I got to take permission from him to go to lunch with either one of them, he would also end up there with Her. If he wants a divorce or something, why does he just not ask me, what does he think I will say no, come to think about it, have I ever denied him anything? No, instead he ends up with Her everywhere, especially when I am there, and what's with all the cornering and asking me about love, marriage, etc? Maan Singh Khurana can never do things straight can he. Sorry, I keep on ranting but I don't know what else to do to convey my confusion, hurt and anger.
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I don't think I can continue anymore today without breaking down. I will see you later
Geet Maan Singh Khurana
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I don't have time to write much, but oh god, I saw them kissing today in the office's supply closet. I think I need time to process this. Oh, how am I going to talk to Maan about this, I don't think I can take this, how am I going to tell him that I saw his first love and Rohan kissing? I forgave her for breaking him once but I so want to kill her right now. I know I should be happy she will be gone from his life, but I cant take his pain above all. Babaji help me.
Geet
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Dear diary,
I was wrong, I was so wrong. Turns out that the conversation I was fearing with Maan regarding Rohan and Sameera did not go quite as I expected. I had been so afraid and hesitant for days, trying to find the best way to give him this news. When on the 3rd day, I finally found the courage to tell him about this his reaction was way beyond my expectation. He knew, that's what he smirking told me, that he had know for weeks and had actually been the one to set them up. Imagine how astonished I was, here I was in a dilemma for days trying to figure out how to handle his hurt and He had Known. I was so angry, I had actually gone close to him and pulled his collar, accusing him of this and that. You will not believe his reaction. After I had finally calmed down enough to stop ranting, I had stopped realizing how close I was to him. Trying to pull back immediately, I had been so embarrassed. But he just snuck his arm around me and held on. I think my mind just stopped then, its probably going to stop even now just thinking about it. He held me and pulled me close hugging me. He said, "To change ones heart is not the prerogative of a woman alone. I kept trying to get you to confess your feelings by making you jealous but the more I tried the more you pushed back. So hard for me it was to not touch you, to have you there looking at me so loving and not have the right to touch you, all because of my foolish words. It was not until Sameera pointed out to me that you love me did I notice. I had been stuck in despair thinking that you distance from me was due to your displeasure with this marriage, and not to what I had foolishly told you. I don't if should be proud or worried that you did not fall for my plans to make you confess but what I am trying to say is, I love you, my jaan, and I have for a while. Now please put me out of my misery and tell me you love me"
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I was cant tell you how I spent the next few minutes, I was just lost in my joy and in his arms. I actually pinched myself to make sure this was real. That hurt and it was the most beautiful sensation ever. I just started crying on his shoulder. I must have worried him because he immediately pulled me back and tried to stem the overflow of tears. As the tears were clearing, I was absorbed in his eyes where I could finally recognize the look of love and all could say was "Maan yes" over and over again until we were both smiling and laughing in joy. Finally, I just help tight, told him I loved him, and did what I had been itching to do when this conversation started, I hit him on shoulder. Before I kissed him. I just ran away after that before he could recover from the surprise. I though I should enter this significant event here before he catches me. I don't think I will entering anything here for a while. Wish me all the best
Geet Maan Singh Khurana
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As I close my diary and stash it way in my cupboard, its to the heavy steps of my husband rapidly approaching our room. I can't wait for his reaction to my kiss.
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Fin.
Health and Fitness
