Diary Entries
4:00 AM
4th March 2010
Eerie silence reverberated through the corridors of the Hospital, often broken by the hurried footsteps of doctor's and nurses, they had no words today for the guy sitting with his head held low in one of the benches, they felt sad, afraid to approach him. In the past few months, they all had somewhere somehow connected to him, and it was that bond which made them go cold feet to approach him.
Faking a brave pretence one of the nurse took it on herself to approach him, slowly and steadily as she reached him, she met those eyes she was afraid of, he had paled and he was exhausted yet the hope shined in his light brown eyes, the hope which made her strong.
She cleared her throat and slowly she revealed a book she was holding behind her, his eyes questioned her about it.
"She used to write" she answered.
He nodded taking the book from her.
"Is she fine?" he asked not looking at her, the nurse sighed"No"
His shoulders slumped as he clutched the book tighter.
"But we are working, we are trying" she tried to assure him.
"Samrat!" he saw Nupur at the far end of the corridor, feeling a heavy weight on his shoulders he stood up, Mayank and Nupur came running towards him.
And before any of them knew they were clutching onto each other, pouring out their hearts in the form of tears n sobs.
Nupur broke the hug and turned to the nurse, while mayank helped samrat get seated, he wiped his tears and tried his best to console him.
As the nurse walked away Samrat stared at the book in his hand through tear filled eyes, he knew what it was…..her Diary.
He had tried to get his hands on it, but she always kept it hidden away.
A tear rolled down his eyes as the several moments rushed in his mind like a sudden outbreak of emotions, he wiped his lone tear and turned the pages of the book.
Reading about their happy moments seemed to be like a needle stitch, he turned to the other pages, she had written each n every emotion, their each and every moment spent together, like she was wishing to capture them, store them.
He knew her and understood her, but he wanted to know what he didn't, emotions of the horrible days, when he had lied, when he couldn't understand her.
Soon he found the page.
6th June 2009
Dear Diary
Another day passed with me on bed rest, I couldn't attend my classes as I was sick, Samrat forced me to take it off and stay home, he is extremely sweet he even got me all the notes printed so that I don't strain myself.
But he has been forcing me to get a medical check-up, I have been to the clinic and there's nothing wrong, but Samrat being Samrat has to act stubborn and take me to the hospital,
I don't blame him, he loves me afterall.
And that's why for him I will be going to the hospital tomorrow.
I never fell ill like that before, it feels strange.
x-x-x-x-x-x
9th June
Dear Diary
I didn't get time to write, life has become really weird n so has Samrat. I went for the check-up and Samrat says everything is fine, just a loss of nutrition in the blood, but I can see through him, the worst being he cries. He tries to hide it from me.
I am scared diary, he never lied to me before, I hate it and he knows that.
I will be admitted tomorrow, don't know how I feel right now.
Samrat is acting strange, he keeps calling Di, she doesn't talk to me, I have called her many times she simply wont answer my call.
Something is wrong diary, I can sense it, if only they would tell me.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
11th June
Dear Diary
Its been a day I have spent in this boring white room, my room in the hospital. Samrat comes everyday with a bunch of my fav flowers.
I talked to Jiju yesterday and he said that I will be fine soon and that I don't need to worry. I told him its not me, but him and others who are worrying so much.
The Doc is really sweet, his name is Armaan, he cracks jokes even in the worst of times, like today when he came to take my blood for a few tests.
Its funny how everyone treats me, I hope they just tell me the truth.
Samrat is here, I don't want him to knw tht I am writing a diary being the curious git, he is bound to try n steal it.
x-x-x-x-x-x
13th June
Dear Diary
I am shocked today, its like my senses have gone numb, today Samrat was crying and again he tried to hide it from me, I cried too, I pleaded him to tell me what's wrong but he wont.
I got another surprise in the evening Jiju and Di came all the way from US for me.
Something is not right, and its with me.
I am scared Diary, not for myself, but them.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
17th June
Dear Diary
I am fed up of my life, I hate my life! No no I don't ……..I Love Samrat, am glad he's with me, but m tired of this place, am tired of the fake smiles, of their lies, of samrat tuning me out!
And now they tell me tht I am going to be shifted to another hospital! Which hospital-no answer!, why?- no answer? When, how!??- NO ANSWER!
If this continues then I am going to run away! Aghhh.
Hang on, even worst news, di doesnt want to go back to US, but jiju has been stubborn about it, they say they will come back by August end, till then samrat will be here for me, and they will keep in touch.
Point One- they are leaving, di was crying, I will miss them
Point Two- they are leaving! It means my illness is not tht serious, I will be fine pretty soon:)
x-x-x-x-x-x-x
26th June
Dear Diary a lot has happened in this past week, I couldn't write coz of my condition.
I have been shifted to another hospital, I don't know the name or whereabouts, I was made unconscious, I knw its samrat's doing, he keeps saying sorry, but I will never forgive him! Never!
My hair has been shingled, they were gonna shave my freaking head! I screamed and yelled at them, at the end Samrat came to my rescue and told them to make my hair short, nevertheless it was painful, I loved my hair.
Why they did it? Again I don't know, it irks me to Not know.
I have been going through a cycle in the past week, it lasted 5 days, it was horrible, I couldn't eat, speak or walk, I was bed ridden but i had 2 lovely pair of eyes to gaze at, samrat's eyes, and the little relief came only from them.
I Love his eyes, they are very expressive, they give away everything, I can see the pain shielded with all the love in his eyes.
I want those eyes to stare at me forever.
xxxxx
Samrat turned to the next page as tears poured from his eyes, a stabbing pain filled his heart that made it hard to breath, he sucked for air and wiped his tears, as he continued reading.
Mayank and Nupur sat on the bench opposite to him, Mayank was in a state of frenzy, as he supported a devastated Nupur and met the eyes of his heartbroken friend Samrat.
His hear pounded a million times faster as he turned back to the diary.
FLASHBACK
"Excuse Me sir" the nurse entered the ward.
"yes?" samrat asked.
"the barber is here" the nurse informed.
"Barber?" gunjan asked confused.
"Yes so is she ready?" the nurse asked.
"ready for what?" gunjan screamed.
"gunjan relax" samrat held her shoulders firmly.
"A barber? Why samrat?" gunjan asked clutching the hem of his shirt as tears welled up in her eyes."
"Its nothing" samrat began "they r going to…they r going to…"
"Going to WAT!?" she yelled pushing him away.
Samrat was breathing hard as he turned away, Just then the barber entered the ward.
"they r going to shave ur head" samrat spoke, each word taking a huge effort to be formed.
"Nooo!!!" Gunjan moaned as she thrashed at her mattress kicking it away, she jumped from her spot n rushed next to samrat.
" No way! I love my hair, why r they doing this!!!"
"Chashmish its important" samrat's voice cracked.
"No freaking way! Don't even dare to touch my hair!" she snarled at the barber. "Just stay AWAY!!"
The Barber n the nurse stared at Samrat confused.
"Later" samrat muttered to them, as he wrapped his arms around his chashmish
-
Silent tears poured down her eyes, as she felt the cold blade cutting her hair, making them short, she stared at her shiny black hair on the cloth tied around her, she sniffed n shivered as the barber continued and Samrat, he was right next to her repeating the words "u r beautiful…will be always"
FLASHBACK ends
xxxxx
29th June
Dear Diary
Point to be Noted- they were gonna shave my head coz anyways I was going to lose my hair.
The medication did it, m so ugly and hideous now.
I cant even look at my face, I have got syringe marks on myself ..i am plain Ugly!
I don't know how samrat even touches me! Kisses me! Doesn't he feel disgusted? Today he shaved his head, for me, I asked him why n he said with his usual fun 'that its in fashion' Why doesn't he leave me? He deserves someone better.. Way better than me, the one who can give him happiness and not all the pain….i don't want him to stare at me, I want him to just go away, I want to hide away, sink into the floor….. but then I need the comfort of his arms, I need him to be with me.
I cant imagine life without him, m so selfish diary, I cant ask him to go away..but I want him to….i want him to find a better mate…but I want him to be with me…..
There's a gud news and a bad news, am going home today, armaan gave me off for 5 days, bad news- after tht I will come back to the hospital to get my second cycle done.
x-x-x-x-x-x
6th July
Dear Diary
M back to this boring hospital room and the past 5 days seem to be the most beautiful one's of my life.
Samrat made them so special, we went shopping to the mall, then to the beach, to the park, to movies and what not!
These were the most perfect days of my life, him and me.
I finally know what's happening with me, not through samrat, he wont speak a word abt my illness but from the girl next to my room in the hospital, she's suffering from the same though she's only 16 her case is lot more serious, she told me she was forbidden to tell me about all this, but only she knew how it was to go thru the cycles.
She gave me a hint as she had promised samrat she couldn't plain out tell me, she told me that the cycle is called chaemotherapy….for some reason I cant remember what its about, I tried really hard to recall but I simply cant, I think my brain is getting affected too.
I need some books or my lappy to find out, but samrat, he doesn't even let me touch those! How am I ever supposed to make him understand my situation!
And why? why cant I remember the term?
x-x-x-x-x-x-x
24th July
Dear Diary
Its been long I haven't been writing, I had my second cycle done, it was painful, even more terrible than the first….nyways lets start with good stuff
Today Di called me, she sounded really sad, but m glad that she atleast spoke to me unlike the usual, after almost a month I heard her voice, her beautiful n concerned voice, Di was all about being sorry for not being here with me, I told her not to worry as samrat is here.
After my convo with her, I realized that its not only me, but samrat too who needs support, he is alone with me to take care of, for the first time I don't know what he feels, what he thinks, what he knows, this disease is the cause of it, because of my illness everything is happening, I hate myself!
Okay Bad News- My next cycle starts from 12th another miserable experience on its way.
I want those days to start as soon as possible and end as well...!
Armaan came to take my blood again for tests, I feel so…so ugly with syringe marks all over me, my skin is darkening, my nails are turning ugly grey, m getting weaker day by day, I don't know when this will end…..
I just want the pain to go away…..i want to smile again….on my birthday….
x-x-x-x-x-x
FLASHBACK
"Chashmish" Samrat smiled softly as he entered her ward.
Gunjan nodded in response, Samrat stepped towards her sickbed softly singing to her a happy birthday, tears welled up in Gunjan's eyes as she stared at him, she couldn't move, didn't want to move…it was painful.
Samrat kept a bouquet of flowers next to gunjan's sickbed as he sat next to her.
"Happy Birthday" he whispered and made way for his hand to reach hers through all the plugs n wires.
Gunjan smiled a little as another tear escaped, she gulped hard but simply couldn't speak.
Samrat withdrew a velvety purple box from his pocket and slipped a beautiful solitaire cut diamond, set in a platinum band in her finger.
Gunjan stared at samrat shocked.
"I know this is the worst proposal any guy would make to a girl, in a hospital ward, and…" he stopped as he couldn't complete his sentence.
"Will u Marry me?" he asked with all the love in his eyes.
Few more tears escaped as she clutched samrat's hand tighter, she didn't have any words, she didn't know if it was right, but with all the love in her heart she nodded a yes to the guy whom she loved n adored the most in the entire world and then only for him, she took the pain and spoke the words he would want to hear the most.
"Yes….. I will and this is the most beau-iful prop-osal eve-" her voice cracked as her throat ached, but the pain was nothing compared to the pure bliss she saw- felt in samrat's eyes.
FLASHBACK ends
Dear Diary
I Havent been writing for the past whole month, the last cycle was the most painful..n everything was a blur, at times I was in pain and at times the happiest person alive.
After my fourth n last cycle, I have been so distracted tht I didn't get time to write.
M at home right now, my therapy has been done, n now hopefully I wont have to go back to that boring hospital ward again, Armaan took a few blood samples n said tht he wud have to take certain tests, but till then they say m cured….n hopefully there's nothing to worry about.
The bad thing was that on my bday I was at one of the worst phases of the cycle n the gud part is tht samrat proposed me that day….and only that made it the best day of my entire life! It was miserable yet the Best I was sad yet happy, In pain yet Bliss.
I am the luckiest girl on planet earth Diary! Eventhough m ugly, weak n infected, samrat still loves me…he wants to marry me, we r getting engaged day after, di n jiju will b der as well…they r coming back! Another gud news is that my hair have started growing again there's a soft line of eyebrows now…n it makes me feel gud.
Day before samrat got me a wig n he was joking around with everyone.
Samrat is really happy, I have never seen him this happy before….atleast not in the past few months, i feel at times m too young to get married but after these 4 months, I cant bear any kind of separation, we want to be One.
27th september
Dear Diary
Just came back from a Movie date with Samrat, m not continuing my studies as in these 4 months a year has been wasted and I don't want to either, samrat agrees as armaan told him to take care of me and to not let me strain maself over small small stuff.
Well diary ever since I have been off from the hospital life has changed, me n samrat r going to get married this December….i cant wait! Really excited!
Di is making all arrangements for our marriage.
Well diary our journey was till here…I wont be writing nymore….because now I have someone to share all my feelings with, I don't need to write them down hidden away from his eyes.
I am going to ask him diary..as to what happened to me..and he will have to answer coz things are back to normal.
x-x-x-x-x-x
Samrat stared at the blank pages…. surprised he turned over..and spotted the entries at the last few pages.
24th November
Dear Diary
Am back! Not happy to be, there's this major relapse, n back to the hospital….its the same…samrat cries, di cries, my doc has been changed, it's a female doctor now named riddhima, I wont survive diary….i think the end is coming…..
Samrat never told me wat was wrong on being asked, the 16 yr old girl next to my ward…she passed away one month later when I was discharged….
I know wats wrong with me diary, what's this hospital about, what's all the fuss about, and the tears….
I am suffering from Blood Cancer….
And this time……I wont survive…….
x-x-x-x-x-x
18th Dec
I thought I wont be wrting….but today I got married to Samrat, in our ward, on my sickbed in our own way….
He promised to be by my side always…..though it holds no value….i will be leaving him soon…joining another world, how will it be to die?
Everyone around me is getting disturbed n I hate that, they keep asking me why don't I speak? What am I supposed to say diary? That I know m going to die? That I wont be with them for long? I simply manage to smile Diary…for them
M scared for them more than myself…..m confused….i cant think ….i cant understand…..
x-x-x-x-x-x
3rd Jan
Dear Diary
I Lived to see the New Year, everyone celebrated in the hospital, samrat was in his best to cheer me up, I smiled for him.
He deserves all the love n I can never give him that….how am I supposed to explain it to him?I cant…..it has been months with him coming to the ward, he tells me about his workplace n Boss..i just listen, i feel I have snatched away his life….I shouldn't have married him at the first place….i shouldn't have…..i cant understand….i think I made a grave mistake.
I know when I will be gone he will find this diary….he will be reading through these.
It pains even more….why does he love me so much? I don't deserve his love.
x-x-x-x-x
"Samrat" Mayank called but samrat's eyes were glued to the diary, he wanted to read, he wanted to know what gunjan had left for him..what she had thought, she knew he would be reading.
"Samrat" Mayank sat next to him but samrat hushed him up.
Mayank stared at samrat as with a blank look he turned the page of the Book.
-x-x-
Samrat
I know u r reading this….I want u to know that I love u with all my heart.
U r the one for whom I smiled n lived, U r the best husband ever, I couldn't have been able to go through the torture if it weren't u by my side…u r my everything samrat n I knw tht it's the same 4 u….but god doesn't wish so…he's going to tear us apart….i will be gone.
Promise me Sam, you will live, u will move on with our memories in ur heart, n u will make a new beginning with the one who will keep u happy forever..
Luv
Ur wife, ur chashmish.
-x-x-x-x
Samrat read through the lines again and again, angry tears formed in his eyes, he shook from within as he felt the fear gunjan had, that he was going to loose her…this time forever.
Mayank clutched Samrat's hand checking if he was fine, and he wasn't.
*8 hours back)
8:00 PM
March 3rd
"okay bye gunjan, kal phir aaongey" Nupur smiled as she hugged gunjan.
"Chalo Nupur" Mayank called from the door.
"aaye mayu" nupur replied back.
Samrat entered the ward.
"hey chashmish, hey nupur!"
"hey samrat" nupur smiled.
Gunjan gave him a small smile as he came n sat next to her with his usual bouquet of red roses in his hand.
"Take care" Nupur squeezed gunjan's hand and left the ward.
"So chashmish, mujhey yaad kiya?" samrat asked.
Gunjan nodded slightly as she continued staring at the wall ahead.
"Aaj office main bohut kaam tha" samrat told her about his day while she silently drank in his words with a small smile intact.
After a while- 10:30 pm
"Samrat" gunjan called.
Samrat shifted on the couch and turned to face her, he rubbed his eyes groggily as he had fallen asleep.
"ya chashmish?"
"call the doctor please" she whimpered.
"what happened?" he asked lot more alert now as he approached her, his heartbeat pacing.
"m leg owww! Oh god samrat call the doc now" gunjan whimpered.
"relax gunjan, relax!" samrat rushed to the door and called the nurses outside.
"Aaah its paining!" gunjan whimpered as her voice cracked.
"Its nothing don't worry!" samrat tried to calm her down.
The doctor's and nurses rushed in with a stretcher.
"ICU immediately!" Ridhima spoke after observing Gunjan.
"what happened?" samrat asked shocked.
"we cant say" ridhima replied as all of them hurried out.
"Doctor!" samrat called as gunjan was taken into the ICU…Ridhima stopped and turned to him.
"Samrat, m afraid, this is it…I will try my best, pls call nupur n mayank" she hurried off leaving a devastated samrat behind her.
x-x-x-x-x
"Samrat" Mayank spoke again scared as to how cold samrat's hands were.
"Nupur has gone to meet her…..for the last time….."
Samrat looked away his heart yearning It all to be a dream, his brain not registering a word.
"Go samrat, before its too late"
Samrat rushed to the ICU his palms started sweating as he stepped in, Nupur sat numb at the corner of the room, tears running down her eyes.
Samrat stood next to gunjan, his wife.
"Gunjan" he called, but stopped as his voice seemed to have given away, gunjan had paled, her skin chalky white, she seemed to be semi-conscious her eyes staring around half-open.
"chashmish" he called squeezing her delicate hand.
Her gaze flitted across the room, at him but they didn't stop on him, she failed to recognize him.
"gunjan" samrat called again, but she wasn't listening.
Her lips moved forming some inaudible words, and the little colour seemed to be draining from her face.
"chashmish, u cant leave me" he pleaded "please don't leave me..please" he cried as he clutched her hand even more firmly.
He felt a hand on his shoulder, it was mayank.
"Tell her mayank, she cant leave me…she has to fight it…!!" samrat bellowed.
Ridhima entered the ICU in a hurried pace…"please only one" she told them urgently.
Mayank took a devastated Nupur along with him, while Samrat silently wept standing next to gunjan.
"Excuse me samrat" Ridhima requested feeling bad for him, but she had to do her work.
Samrat let go of gunjan's hand as ridhima started working.
He stared at gunjan from a distance, she seemed so lifeless, semi-conscious, unknowing…pale…and……. Dead.
The Beeping sound filled his ears n he could feel no more.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x
15th August 2010
He sat by the sea side singing a Happy Birthday staring at the skies, a lone tear escaped as he remembered the day, His beloved wife's Bday, heaving a sigh he closed the book in his hand, the diary entries of his late wife Gunjan Shergill.
Months he had spent reading them, trying to engrave each and every thing in his mind heart and soul.
Her last message to him
He didn't like her message, she seemed to have forgotten that happiness for him meant his chashmish.
Nevertheless she had asked him for a promise and he kept it.
He lived like every other, he was successful in life with memories of them in his heart intact, he had made a new beginning, a journey of him and the one who would keep him happy forever- His wife's beautiful memories, his best mate.
Anupamaa
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
