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New Twins
Eve: "Did you hear the latest about Jane Simmons who lives over on the next block? "
Sheli: " No, what about her?"
Eve: "She had triplets. Then not two weeks later, she had twins."
Sheli: "That's Impossible.! How did it happen?"
Eve: "One of the triplets got lost."
Rejected Greeting Cards
You totaled your car
And can't remember why.
Could it have been.
That whole case of Bud Dry?
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your Birthday
So we're having you put to sleep.
So we're having you put to sleep.
You are such a good friend
That if we were on a sinking ship
And there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
That if we were on a sinking ship
And there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
When we were together,
You always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
You always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go,
Would you like to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again.
Would you like to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!
Almost Lifelike!
You Know You Work for the Government If...
- When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
- You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
- Your biggest loss from a system crash is you lose your best jokes.
- Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
- You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
- It no longer amazes you that computer security is more important than having computers.
- Your office computer was just upgraded to a 200 MHz Pentium this year.
- Computer specialists know less about computers than your teenager.
- Lunch is like another scheduled meeting, only shorter.
- You and your coequals always consume the free food left over from VIP meetings.
- It's dark when you drive to and from work.
- You're forced to park your car a mile from the office because of all the commanders, customers, designated contractor, VIP's, employees of the month/quarter/year and visitor, parking spaces by the main entrance.
Heart Attack
A salesman who was out on his territory had a heart attack in his motel room and died. The motel manager called the salesman's company and related the tragedy to the sales manager.
The sales manager received the news in a nonchalant manner and told the motel manager, "Return his samples by freight and search his pants for orders."
Coin Toss Test
A statistics major was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a True/False test, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers. The stats professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin...writing the answer...flipping the coin...writing the answer.
A statistics major was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a True/False test, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers. The stats professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin...writing the answer...flipping the coin...writing the answer.
At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the final except for the one student. The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the student, saying: "Listen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didn't even open the exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long?"
The student replies bitterly, as he is still flipping the coin: "Shhh! I am checking my answers!"
Shiv Shakti
