INTERMISSION
I AM SCREAMING, CRYING, ROARING & VOMITING! BEHOLD MY NOSTRILS AS IT FLARES BIGGER THAN ALIA BHATTS FUTURE! OH MY FCUKING GOD, PLEASE LET ME MARRY DADDY SRK!
JAWAN FINAL REVIEW
Copying and pasting from Non-Spoiler thread
I’m still screaming, crying, roaring & vomiting but now I’m doing all of the above on the toilet seat as I type away. Before I begin, I’d like to pledge and reinforce my eternal love to Shahrukh Khan. I fucking love him so much, and it’s SO annoying being in this one-sided relationship with him.
Now, let’s commence my review. I sat down on my seat and people watched, narrowing my eyes at the little children being carried to their seats. I made eye contact with several kids and squinted my eyes, warning them that this aunty (thumps chest) will not tolerate any screaming, crying or tantrums throughout the movie. I flared my nostrils and grunted at the parents, keep your kids settled ya selfish bastards. Lmao, just kidding (🙂).
The movie started and guess what? I could see the shadow of a man wearing glasses swimming in the ocean. I was like HUH? Then I realised that an idiot was standing in front of the projector and casting his UNWANTED shadow of a mug onto the screen. The camera is panning and capturing the scene, the ocean, and you have this clueless fcuker-kahin-ka looking left and right, while he STANDS at the back of the cinema, right where the projector is. Atlee may as well cast him in the bloody movie coz he became one with the fishes in the sea. My blood vessel was about to pop. Thankfully he sat down because my foot was about to fly towards his head.
OHMYGOD! I can’t even tell you how GOOD the first entry scene was. I was already crying before I saw him. LMAO. It’s the time of the month, stfu. I’m emotional. My brother noticed and he was mouthing “WTF is wrong with you”. I hissed back at him “shut up before I force you to stand outside of Mannat with me”. He was horrified but it worked. By the way, I think I have a mummy fetish because why did he look so hot bandaged as a mummy?
Then when he drawled out in his sexy deep voice “Main Kaun Hoon,” I almost leaped out of my chair, pointing my ungli to the screen, sobbing “YOU’RE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, that’s who you are!” *Insert Bollywood song*
https://youtu.be/joOF9ANX9XU?si=qlObLE8El26YWQK8
Hahahaha, I’m getting distracted but man I LOVED Jawan. This is coming from someone who hates action films and 9 out of 10 times, my eyes would be rolled to the back of my head, especially when it comes to masala movies. Unless the guy is hot, that’s the only (1 out of 10 time exception) when my eyeballs would be staring at the screen. HOTMENZINDABAD! ✊🏼
How-to-the-ever, this time I genuinely loved the film. The songs were a snooze fest except for Ramaiya Vastavaiya. Nayantara was pretty hot, but her chemistry with SRK sucked ass. SRK’s fake beard had better chemistry with him and every time he came onscreen CLEANSHAVEN, I wanted to rip my eyeballs out and shove it down Atlee’s throat. How dare you direct/produce/whatever this movie and somehow include a clean-shaven SRK in the script. During these times, I really appreciate Karan Johar because whether you like him or not, that man KNOWS how to present you onscreen.
So I finally understand the hype surrounding Deepika’s cameo role. Bruh, her 15 minute screen-time chewed Nayantara into pieces. I momentarily forgot Nayantara was the main lead in the film. Deepika’s beauty, screen presence and acting completely overshadowed her. Her chemistry with SRK is sheer magic. Also how THEFEK did they manage to find a little boy who looks like a hybrid of baby Aryan and SRK? Reminded me of little Aryan in Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham.
Theres a specific scene towards the end (and I’m sure everyone has watched the spoiler video) where the main dialogue is centred around THEFINGER/UNGLI. At this point, I feel like I should be paid by Atlee for my cameo role. All I could think about was that SRK may never say my name in this janam, but he said the first half of my India Forum username at least 50 times. No autographs please, only donations. Thank you xo
Finally, we have reached the end of my review where I’d like to dedicate this space to froth over DADDYRATHORE. Holy shivers, may the Lord strike me dead if I lie, but Vikram Rathore is the hottest action hero EVER. I don’t endorse smoking because EW but saat khoon maaf if you’re Vikram Rathore. Oh special mention to John Abraham, he made it look sexy in Dhoom as well. 🫨
I desperately need a spin off made SOLELY on Vikram. Atlee, if you’re reading this, then please compensate my eyes for enduring a beard-less SRK by casting him opposite Aishwarya Rai. Please keep them both alive, not-related and in love till the end of the movie. Thank you.
Latersssssss, I’m going to bed so I can plan my dreams about my bae, Mr-Vikram-Sexy-Rathore. In my dream scenario, I’ll be Tabu dancing/sniffing Vikrams jacket, and that young man watching/pining for me can be Arjun Rampal. Err please ignore those random naked men/women plastered around me. Those are my sleep paralysis demons trying to wake me up from this glorious dream. 🫨🫨
https://youtu.be/xacbRQoRjhQ?si=qEfmfsq5I_T6QIA7
Edited by FingerFetish - 2 years ago
finally watched Dirty Dancing, it has been on my list forever 
Only thing I dont know is that if Indian movies will play at Picturehouse..my town is predominantly white..and when big movies like Jawaan and Telugu movies come, we get one show at best 
in Cineworld in the town
and Vue doesn’t always run Indian movies either..stupid Barbenheimer is still on
emotional scene ka raita phelaya 
Health and Fitness
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