I sit watching her play tag with the waves. Her little hands clutching her balloon as it danced merrily in the breeze. The sound of her squeals and giggles vying with the sound of the breaking waves as the water rushes around her feet eagerly.
I feel a sudden lurch in my heart as something unfurls deep within me. The sense of yearning that suddenly hits me is not new. It had been my companion for so much of my infant years. Time had merely dimmed the acuteness.
My years at the orphanage had hardened the child in me, yet paradoxically, had made me more vulnerable. Hope had died a new death each time a child who wasn’t me was taken away to the outside world. But, some kernel of hope somewhere in me had bloomed anew the next day.
I remember as if it were yesterday the first time I had met Maa and Papa. It had been in the principal’s office. Where all introductions took place. I had stood silently, a quivering wreck on the inside. I could hear the principal's voice introducing me to the man and woman who would be my parents. His voice had sounded like it was coming from a million miles away.
I had been oblivious to Asha didi’s hand on my shoulder gently nudging me forward. I tried to speak, but the words refused to go past the lump in my throat. The cauldron of hope, fear, expectation, nervousness, bubbling inside me suddenly found an outlet.
I threw up.
My eyes scrunched shut in mortification and I could feel tears welling up. I could see my hopes coming apart to drown in the mess I had created.
I felt a hand stroke my head soothingly and looked up hesitantly. It was Maa. Compassion and concern writ large on her face. I felt my fear slip away in the face of the warmth she exuded, and the tears I was holding back seeped through. She gathered me in her arms and embraced me tightly. My arms circled her neck of their own accord. My head came to rest on her shoulder as I felt a sense of peace engulf me.
I was home.
I am broken from my reverie by little Anu calling me as she runs towards me. She launches herself in my arms, joy emanating from every pore. The priceless feeling of freedom. I feel all those emotions from years ago come tumbling back. A rush of protective instinct overwhelms me. She feels right, cocooned in my arms. Just like I had felt right in Maa’s arms.
The storm clouds raging in me ever since Anu had looked at me with her beaming smile and shining optimism, vanish. My heart knows what it needs.
I want to be the one who fills her life with all the colours of the rainbow she had spoken of. To be the one who consoles her when one of them bleeds into another.
I want to be the one she turns to to share the beauty of sunlight dancing on calm waters. To be the one who consoles her when errant clouds cast dark shadows on that water.
I want to be the one who she demands bring her shiny beads for her bracelets. To be there to gather those scattered beads when the string wears away.
I don’t want her to pray to Kanhaji for her father, when he comes, to be like me.
I want him to be me.
oOo
This is my attempt at trying to understand the emotions that would have been going through Anuj when he spends the day with Anu, the charming little girl from the orphanage. The memories that would have been triggered, the hopes, the yearning in him for something he didn't even realise consciously he wanted.
Thank you for reading :)
~ Ruchi
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