playlist: Main Kaun Hoon by Meghna Mishra
Chapter 5: Dear Haseena, You Are A Shipwreck
She always wondered what heaven was like - paradise maybe. Paradise is a deferential corner where one is created by the aficionado hands of the divine. It’s a place where inner peace that can only come from being emancipated from the slavery of life prevails. It was the gift of happiness one bestowed to others. A quiet symphony would play in the background as she sipped a cup of warm tea, looking down upon her loved ones.
It was almost like a ship sailing in the vast ocean; a space to see the birds taking a flight towards freedom, listen to their soulful chirping, feel the wind touch one’s skin delicately and simply exist.
When the ship has been destroyed at sea, it's known as a shipwreck. Sunken to the earth's core, it rests until the winds adjourned the waves to usher it to the surface and it remained there - floating like a sun-kissed belle worth desiring.
What if a person is in place of that ship and the sea is a cliff?
In the cliff bottom were caves, carved by the hurricanes and yet sheltered the various life forms that rested beneath. The rocks built upon one another, standing tall to salute the sun every morning, greet each season and welcome ecosystems that coexisted with each other in its gallant arms. By virtue of the cliff’s purpose, she survived the fall down its majestic boulders - near death but soul left scathed.
Mere moments before plummeting to what she assumed was an untimely demise, she saw the silhouette of her father. He was comforting her unsettling fears and assuring his brave daughter that they would meet again. The dark lanky figure appeared before her invariably in moments of hopelessness- encouraging, motivating and inspiring her to do the right thing. She longed to see his face, to smell his favourite floral perfume that she wore as a reminder and to feel his strong arms wrap around her providing the kind of security she longed for since he took his leave. It seemed like she was finally going to meet him in the land where the dead resided - infamously known as the other side where she would sit with her father and have orchestra music playing in the background.
Heaven looks alot like a hospital. Didn't know god treated our wounds before we officially became spirits.
She spun her head around briefly, expecting to see her deceased father - not Intelligence Bureau Officer Bakshi.
Station House Officer Haseena Malik survived the fall. She did not die. She was not dead. She would be meeting her living family again because her father was still a long walk away.
With the plans of returning to her maker temporarily suspended, she had made a new one- find the people who tried to assassinate her. Sad to say, she went In over your head with it.
Coming back as Urmila Mahadev was supposed to be an act for a short period - return to Lucknow with Karishma and Pushpa, lure out the culprits, arrest them, tell everyone the truth and things could return to their usual state of fairs.
If only she didn’t suspect her own teammates for attempted murder, her own murder no less.
If only she was not blinded by the stupid orders that in hindsight made no sense and was not obsessed with her idea of patriotism.
If only she stuck to the plan instead of getting derailed by useless distractions. Talk about fatal flaws in Shakespeare's tragedies. Maybe that's how Hamlet felt when needing to kill his uncle. Indecisive
The idea put forward by her senior officer was absurd. But the power of suggestion managed to clog her better judgement. Besides, nobody would expect their loved ones to be remotely involved in illegal activities, much less be considered traitors of the country. She had to be objective and leave her emotions aside - give up on the principles that have guided almost every decision of her life till this point. She didn’t feel comfortable in her own skin almost as if this body belonged to another person- fitting.
Suck it up Haseena. We are talking about national security here. Hundreds if not thousands could get hurt. And that is when she started digging a grave for herself.
“sajda karte the hum apka.”
Haseena felt like maggots were crawling all over her body at the thought. Karishma was one of the most dedicated, passionate and loyal people she had ever met- not just to the country but to herself as well. She couldn’t count the number of times she had put her life on the line to save Haseena from getting hurt on a single hand. On the day she was shot by Mira, she tried to get Haseena to the hospital. It was Haseena who pushed her out of the car that went tumbling down the precipice. Karishma had to take a bullet for her to believe that she was unimpeachable.
Once Karishma was proven guiltless, her sights shifted to Santosh - the girl she fondly referred to as a bachi and yet needed proof to postulate that she was faultless. Santosh was a cyber specialist. Hacking Mira and overriding her control systems would be a breeze in the park for her. But, Haseena forgot that intentions to do such a thing were just as crucial to analyze as was an area of expertise. Turns out the girl was only behaving oddly due to anxiety of getting scolded and misplacing a medal belonging to her cherished senior who was no longer around to guide them.
When she lay down at night to go to bed, she just wanted to sleep and never wake up. She couldn’t because Karishma's screams would startle her to consciousness each night, calling out to madam sir as she relived the moments of her death. Karishma was constantly in a laborious turmoil, unable to decide how madam sir would do things and unable to fully do things her own way.
When she closed her eyes, the worn-out face of Pushpa appeared before her. The sunken cheeks and sagging shoulders begged to be released of this encumbrance of needing to bear through allegiance to her broken family. She had lost her spunk - disoriented by the pleas of her traumatized daughter and remnants of the dead one.
When she was at the station, she realised Cheteshwar had lost his charming personality. He did not laugh freely anymore, flirted a little less and frowned a lot more. Those dark eyes gave an impression of the loneliness he felt with her absence- one he hid from the rest pretty well. Why did I think it was a good idea to flirt with him knowing that he was one-sidedly committed to Santu? A misinformed decision left them in a spiral of awkwardness and cumbersome words to exchange.
It came like heavy gibbers smashing on her head when she observed Santosh like always did. She had become a matured version of her former self after her sister’s death- giving the correct presentation on the first attempt, not indulging in any sort of silliness and knowing when to say what. She had lost her innocence in this game of chess and Haseena didn't know if there would be any coming back from that.
Haseena came back but it seemed like the rest of Mahila Police Thana had lost themselves in that car crash. She built this station with them but it was splintering without her - bit by bit like a piecemeal - even as Urmila tried to hold on to its reins. Therein lies her biggest flaw - dishonesty. She had blurred the lines between Urmila Mahadev Mathre and Haseena Malik with her slip-ups becoming a frequent occurrence.
They, however, had not confused the two in the way she did.
She watched over their everyday life. She felt their excruciating pain - wishing she could take it away or at the very least alleviate their suffering. She convinced herself that there was nothing she could do but watch them wander around aimlessly, barely clinging on to that thread that held them together as they wallowed in the clutches of the goddess Algea.
As the evocative lyrics of loss played in their minds, all six of them danced to it like its odalisque.
I wanted to tell you all that I never left either of you. I am still here, in between these walls.
Her father used to say that reflection was an art. It could be standing by the trees watching the leaves of autumn wave back at one. It could be watching the stillness of the wind as it rests for a moment. It could be taking a dive in the water for when one’s body hits the water, they feel washed of their sins. When one reflects, they are using a brush to create strokes on a canvas until they are whole again, until they can identify at which point did the stroke go awry.
As she sat on her knees in the now unoccupied station, alone, she managed to pinpoint which stoke went in the wrong direction- lying to them in the face. They didn't deserve that.
“You won.”
Santosh had made a valid point. This facade won- the captain was finally caught. Then why does it feel like I’ve lost everything else? If winning meant losing what mattered the most, she would gladly lose - drown in the ocean like the pieces of shipwreck or let the bloodthirsty fire consume her. The angst would be raindrops in comparison to thunderstorms coming down in stair rods on the Mahila police thana members after her charade had come to an end. She didn’t want to win through a chisel.
I should have taught about that earlier but I am an idiot.
There would be certain things in life for which one doesn't necessarily have the right words, not immediately - a pleasurable date, a candid chinwag, an exemplary book, a meritorious movie, a really good pie. In those moments of experiencing mind emptiness, she sees the picture that has been painted clearly, sees her actions clearly and sees the destruction she has caused oh so clearly.
Haseena wasn't ready to lose her family, she wouldn't- couldn't.
She would face the music - she would face them as Haseena Malik this time around, the person who wronged them. She will not cower underground like a weasel who couldn't bear the sun's rays. The sour ending of Urmilla Mahadev Mathre would make a sweet beginning of Haseena Malik- this time the right way.
Time is the greatest healer. These wounds of betrayal were lackeys of a new dawn, ready to shed as it came. Each morning it would hurt a tiny bit less until one crack at dawn, they would be one family again - together, happy and at peace.
A/N: Don't forget to R&R!
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