Letter #2
Dear Raavi,
Yaar, kisine teri massi ko kabhi kaha hai ki unki awaaz kano ko chubti hai? No seriously. Why does she speak with the constant nasal voice that makes me want to bang my head against the wall? Yes, I know, I know, teri Massi-Maa hai, but the truth is truth, isn't it?
Fine, do not fume now, I was just kidding, mostly wanting you to react in the most Raavi way possible because tere reactions imagine karne ke alawa aur koi option toh hai nahi mere paas. Also, thank you for the khaman you delivered home today via your uncle, I was craving for them ever since the last time you made some for me and this time, I saved no piece for anyone else, hogging them all at once. You should have seen the look my mother gave me when the khaman magically disappeared before it could even reach the plate and Dhara bhabhi could not stop laughing at the way my cheeks were puffed.
"Tujhe kabse woh Kagdi ke hatho ka khaman pasand aane laga?" She asked, and Rishita bhabhi dropped on the couch, shaking her head and joined Dhara bhabhi in giggling over me.
"Maa, this is Raavi special khaman, straight from Jamnagar."
And I swear, I had to run away before my mother would pester me questions or Dev and Krish would make fun of me.
Don't blame me, Raavi, blame yourself, tere haatho main jaadu hai, sacchi.
Also, thank you, ki tune letter bhi padha, aur ishare mein Khaman bhej diya. That makes me a little more hyped than I should be as I pen down this letter to you, and like I said, this is like my own little thing of maintaining a diary like you would do. But, I will admit, writing everything and getting no reply for the same is a little disappointing but overall, I do feel much better when I write these thoughts down. I slept so peacefully on the night I wrote you that first letter, and more than getting a response from you, I only wanted to write more, without the need of getting a reply from you, just wanting you to read it.
And then you sent me that khaman as a sign of you not only reading the previous letter but also wanting to read more.
You have known me since the age of seven right? That was the first time you came to Somnath, after the death of your parents and honestly, my first ever impression about you was pity. I felt extremely sorry for you, because you had lost both your parents and the fact that I loved my parents so much, made me want to hug you and tell you that it was unfair. More unfair that you were to now stay with Maami, that lady would spoil you with her overbearing thoughts and constant need of comparing lifestyles with others, being nosey and act pricey. I wish you were to stay with us, so you could get a little taste of what an actual family was, with an always supportive father, a caring mother, with my elder brother Gaumbi, my fellow brothers, Dev and Krish and my sweetheart Dhara.
This was all what I thought back then, when I first met you. And the day I met you, when I saw the lost eyes of yours, I was scared. So I ran home and hugged my father, just hugged him and he was surprised, because I was not like Krish who loved cuddling, or like Dev, who was my father's pet. The only human I ever hugged was Dhara, and only because she deserved all the hugs of the world, she was just like you, parentless.
Anyway, my father took me in his arms, wiped the hair off my face and smiled at me, "Shiva, su che? Kuch hua hai baacha?"
I remember this incident really clearer than others, in fact I remember all my memories with my father, and they all lay in my heart.
"Kai nai," I remember not telling him how much I loved him, because I was embarrassed to say such things as a boy and my father, he always understood us by reading our eyes.
So he did just one thing, he ruffled my hair lovingly and said, "Saaru", understanding me and I ran away.
My father died, a year later, and Raavi, every day after that incident, where I saw my father lay lifeless, I wished to see him one last time and tell him that I loved him, that he was the best dad there was and that there was nothing more I wanted than to be with him, play with him and hug him.
Death
Death is something we both had to deal with at a younger age, and death was something we both can easily associate with, unfortunately. You had to see your parents dead, I had to see my father dead. You had to deal with the thoughts of dying and I had to deal with the thought of you dead.
I admit, there was a time I wanted you to leave this place, just go away from my life, because you have always been such a brat. But the moment I saw you lifeless in my arms, I lost my life, for that flash of a moment, I felt this was the end, and that nothing remained.
Maybe it is a nice thing that you are not going to reply to this, and I can freely express whatever I want without the concern of what you may react and write back to me. This is better, let's keep it this way, because honestly, I don't think I can share my mind to anyone and frankly, I have no money to pay a therapist.
What do you think, Raavi? What do you think if your parents were alive and my father was here too, my mother all fit and fine, my family in good terms with Maami, and everyone just being wholesome in general.
Do you think Maa would be as sour as she is now? Or would Maami be this selfish and bitter? Or that Gaumbi and Dhara be married to each other? Or that you would be here in Somnath?
Maybe we would never meet in an alternate reality where both are families are happy and alive.
Would you take that, Raavi? Would you choose a life with you and your parents as against this life right now, as against being a part of Maami's life, as against being a favourite of Somnath or as against being associated with me?
I think you would, and frankly, anyone would if they were in your place.
But, I wouldn't.
Do I want my father with me? Yes.
Do I want my mother hail and heart? Yes.
Do I want to finish the enmity with Maami? Yes.
But do I not want to have you in my life?
I could never choose something that has you on one side and the world on the other side.
Because its you Raavi, the girl who changed my entire life upside down in the matter of a week.
That being said, I miss my father, a lot. I think if he was alive, I would not be this angry, stupid, and impulsive man I am today. I think, he would sit by me, explain to me in his sweet voice, throw his hands around me to hold me, and help me put forth an opinion without the need to raise my voice or my hands.
More than that, I would have been relieved of this responsibility that I took after he died. A week after my father's departure, I heard a group of women console my mother but more than that, speak things I did not like at all.
"Who is going to protect this fatherless family now?"
Gaumbi was too sweet to raise his voice, Dev just like him and Krish was a little kid, and our mother was paralyzed from waist down, so I stood up, and I took the responsibility of protecting my family from anyone and everyone.
That was the reason of me being angry.
Standing up to a crowd was very difficult, many kept pointing, laughing, making fun of us, and I kept fighting, and fought till I made a name for myself.
Shiva Pandya, the man who should not be messed with.
Was I happy with that tagline?
No, I did not want people to be scared of me, or fear me, or be sweet to me and then call me names behind my back.
But, was I happy that atleast my family was now secure?
Most definitely, I took the negativity whole heartedly because no one now had the audacity to pin point anything at my family because there was this paagal, jungli Shiva who would kill anyone who even dared to step up.
Problem solved but it came with a price, it changed me from wanting to be as salient as my father, to this angry young lad who was now a household name only to be feared and snickered at. And I had to go with this charade of being an angry guy, someone who gets irritated at everything that does not have to do with my family. The anger in me was now becoming a friend, and it was easier to be angry and mad than talk from the heart. This pretend anger became a part of my character, a part of me which was now a necessity than a tantrum.
Surely, if I was not best friends with my anger, you and I would have been best friends.
No, do not even gasp at this statement of mine, because we two were always a tight knit pair and if not for my rude behaviour, I would have been your best friend, keeping your over-dramatic antics in check and listening to your stories on hours at end and having fun with you. A part of me did not like you tagging alongside Dev, and but of course, in comparison to someone like me, you would choose the smart, salient guy.
That brings me to another question, would you have still chosen Dev as your first love if I was not this absurd, rude boy? Would you have paid any attention to me if I did not fight and argue with you to get your attention?
I know that you wanted to be friends with me and at multiple occasions, I did realise that you were not messing around, and genuinely wanted to be my friend.
But, I guess, I did not want to be your friend only because I was the brother of your crush, I wanted to be your friend because... because I was me.
Do you remember the tenth grade? You walked towards me at the start of school, asking that you would really want to be my friend than just my Maami ki Behen ki Beti but I laughed at you, and not just that, I made fun of you and the entire class laughed at you too.
I feel bad for that day, I am sorry, I was once again, scared to take you as my friend because I did not want to be out of this angry guy I had shaped myself into you, and the other reason was, that I did not want anyone to know the real me.
The real me?
There is of course a reason why I do not share anything to anyone, owing to another incident in my life which made me not want to trust anyone in this world, making me retreat to my hard exterior shell and sigh in it.
I am not ready yet to share that with you, atleast not now, but maybe as we move ahead in these letter writing spree. Also, I think I have written enough of my feelings already in this for you to comprehend. Do not take any note of these, by the way, this is just a way for you to fall back and feel like you are not alone, you have me with you and for me, it is just a way of letting down my guard for once.
I think I am tired of being this angry Shiva Pandya.
But I am scared if I let this façade fade, would something happen to my family and loved ones?
I could not tell my father that I loved him, but atleast this way, I can show it to him that I love his family.
Never mind, this anger is one of the things I have which makes me different, and I'll hold onto it, and you hold onto nothing as you start afresh.
Tera Jungli Saand,
Shiva Pandya
P.s. Khaman gamyu
_
Raavi ki Diary (DO NOT TOUCH)
Year 2013
Standard- Tenth
Entry #12
Shiva is an idiot, gadheda, and a stupid guy, I just hate him... argh. Yaar, what the hell is his problem? All these years, I thought he was just being a kid and keeps fighting with me only because I trouble him too. But, I literally wanted to be friends with him after how he took a stand for me. And I am honestly tired of these constant bickering with him, he always takes all my energy, and even spoils my mood sometimes.
Saachi, jungli saand, bewakoof hai woh.
I thought, why not give him a chance, after all he is Dev's brother, how bad can he be, right? So I approached him as he ate his lunch alone, and asked him if he wanted to be friends with me and instead of politely replying with either a yes or a no, he screamed at me, laughed at me because I was not going to be his friend ever and lastly, pointed at me that I too much for him. He could not stand my voice, my actions and my face, because he hates me and when he insulted me, everyone in the class started laughing at me and I had to walk away with tears.
He always makes me cry.
I do not even know why I take an effort to talk to him.
One day I will get some self respect for myself and avoid talking/interacting with him and then he will see, what he lost. I hope he regrets this incident for the rest of his life.
And I hope to get some sense and stop being Shiva's punching bag.
Love,
Raavi
A/N
Sorry no tags, I am like Shiva rn, want to write but don't want to wait for replies lol.
Also, this is going to be six chapters (short) story
Edited by Gadbad_Ghotala - 3 years ago
Anupamaa
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
