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LAST PART
Kabhi gardishon ka maara
Kabhi khwahishon se haara
Roothe chaand ka hai chakor
“Tu mujhe apni yeh humdardi math dikha”,
“Humdardi!!!! Shiva, tu na apna yeh bakwas aur yeh....”,
“...jahilyon wali harkatein apne paas raak. Yahi kehna tha na tujhe?”,
“Bah, Shiva. Aaj tak tune sirf mere muh bola baat ka galat matlab nikala hai. Aaj toh tune meri aankahe shabd ko bhi apna matlab de diya”,
“kab tak Shiva, kab tak aise bhag te rahega. Shadi ho chuki hai hamari, pati patni hai hum. Yeh joh bhi haina usse khatam karna hoga hume”,
“Sahi kaha tune, khatam karna hoga. Pan tu janti hai kya khatam karna hai?”
“yeh shadi, yeh unchahe rishta jissme tu faas gayi hai. Yeh majboori ka compromise, adjustment tujhe sobha nahi deta. Mere saath tu reh nahi payegi. Humari na koyi mel hai na barabari. Tu aazad hai Raavi apne decision lene ke liye. Nahi rehna chaiye tujhe aise jahil, junglee jaise insaan ke saath”,
“saahi keh raha hai tu. Tera aur mera koyi mel nahi. Ek taraf hai tu jisse aapne nafrat ke aage kuch nahi dikhta. Mujhe laga tu ne aapne nafrat ko side mein rakh ke mujhe apnane ka decision liya. Pan tu toh mujhse aur bhi jyada nafrat karne laga. Itna nafrat ki aab mere shakal tak bardaasht nahi hota. Chutkara pana chahta hai mujhse.”
“Agar tere aur mere vich nafrat pehle se nahi hota toh Shiva? Agar tu mausapa ke bhatija nahi hota toh?”,
“aacha hota koyi Shiva hi nahi. Tujhe tel masala kabhi sehna nahi padta. Tujhe koyi hurt nahi karta. Tu duniya ke sabse khush aur kismatdar ladki hoti”,
“aur himmat nahi hai mujhme Shiva. Tujhse wahi bakwaas bar bar karu. Gol gol ghum ke koyi faida nahi hai. Aaj ek faisla le le. Ya toh mere haath thamle zindagi bhar ke liye ya phir tu bhi chod de bakiyon ke tarah”
Shiva grunted his eyes open with tears sliding down his cheeks. He was sleep deprived for last 15 days. Still he couldn’t sleep. Every time he closed his eyes, their fight from that night would flash in front of his eyes and the burden of guilt, self reprimanding would increase.
That night after their fight, they had chosen different methods to vent their angers. Raavi had walked out of their room and he had taken his anger on anything he found within his hands reach. When his anger had calmed, a moment of clarity came, he felt defeated. Defeated by his cloud of anger. Defeated by his desire of being loved and wanted. He had hurt Raavi enough by humiliating her in the function. He didn’t want to hurt her more. He couldn’t. He needed to free her, free her from this circle of unhappiness.
Looking around, he realised the absence of Raavi. He searched the whole house assuming she had taken refugee in a corner of the terrace or veranda like always. It was her habit from childhood to hide in a corner when extremely angry. But she was no where in their house. In his panic, he had woken up Krish and both of them went out to search for her. There they found her near the highway lying face down on the road, blood was oozing out slowly from the side her head.
Shiva shook his head trying to erase that image. No, he didn’t want to remember those memories. He didn’t want to remember how hollow he felt seeing her like that. He had almost lost her that day and he couldn’t forget that. He still held the fear of losing her in his heart.
To assure himself of her presence, he clutched her hand to his heart and rested his cheek on her arm. He watched as her chest rose and fall in steady breath while she remained unmoving, ignorant to the world.
When she was taken to the OT, he had broken down. It was his doing that brought her here. He had lost himself to his anguish, wishes and longing. Where did that take him? What did it make him? He had proved her, her Maasi and every other person who called him Jahil, right. By insulting, humiliating his wife in a crowd. He felt shame course through his vein. The girl who made her surrounding lively with her antics had lied on the hospital bed fighting for her life. All thanks to him. The girl who could spread warmth with her one smile. The girl who made her place in his iron clad heart. The girl who became his reason of both peace and restlessness.And now only her body lay motionless creating havoc in his sanity
Zara se bhi samjho kaise
Ye parhez rakhta hai kyun
Maane na kabhi koi zor
Lost. Shiva was lost sincethat fateful night. He had broken himself and scattered all the pieces. He was always an introvert. A reserved person. Loved to keep everything to himself. He understood the burden of emotion and responsibility too early. And he chose one emotion out of all to keep the deceiving world in an arms length. Rudeness. He used to face everything with his rude stature of ‘i dont care'. He would have continued to do so. Had she not come into the equation becoming his wife. Noone could have forced him to doubt himself, no one was able to until that day. He saw himself in mirror clearly for the first time. It was clear like day how contrast they were. Like she said on their wedding night, he was smelly oil and she was clean water. He understood they could never match. He would never be perfect for her. He would cause only embarrassment, humiliation to her. He had seen her hesitation in admitting their relation to her friend, Sneha who very rightly spoke what she used to think about him. He was undeserving of her. No one could make him believe otherwise.
After they had rushed her to hospital, she was immediately taken to OT. Her head was hit badly at the back and her condition could turn critical.
Shiva had broken down there only. Berating himself whatever happened with her. Never understanding her value, her. Never trying to listen to her. He wanted to give her everything she deserved. Instead he had brought her here where she could lose her life. He was truly a beast. He thought he only liked her. Accepting his unworthiness, he had pushed her away to not fall for innocence. He assumed he wouldn’t love her if he could hate her and make her hate him some more. How wrong he was!
As his tears dried up, he crawled into his shell. He heard bustling of people, trying to ask him what happened. Probably Gaumbi and Bhabi. He heard Mami accuse him for everything. Reminding him how he had dishonored her at the function. For once, he agreed with her. He was the guilty here. He was the root cause to all her pain and sufferings. He was the reason she had to compromise and make adjustments. He was the reason why she could never be fully happy.
Hours later the doctors came out, declaring the operation was a success but needed to wait for her to wake up to check her condition. As they were asked to not crowd there, Dhara asked him to go home, freshen up and take rest. But he didn’t move. How could he? He would not be able to breath in peace till he heard her voice. See those eyes that was pleading him to move on with her till yesterday. Till he made sure she was fine just as before. He would leave her then. He would bury his love and cage himself again to free her. He would make sure she got what she deserved. Until then, he wouldn’t move.
When she didn’t gain consciousness even after 36 hours, everyone grew anxious. More 12 hours later,the doctor said she had slipped into coma. There was slow reaction to the treatment as if the patient had no will to recover. The doctor couldn’t tell when she would get up. It could be days, weeks, months even years. She might not even wake up ever. Her head injury will take maximum 2 months to heal. But for her waking up, they could only pray.
Shiva felt like standing on a cliff. A slight push and he would fall to nothingness. He couldn’t see her like this. He wanted to hear her laugh that always managed to irritate him since childhood. He wanted his SheChu back. He was ready give up anything only for her to wake up.
Duniya jahaan ki bandishon ki
ye kahaan parvaah kare
Jab kheenche teri dor
Kheenche teri dor...
Seeing her fighting for her life made something snap inside him. He found another clarity. He couldn’t live without her. He needed her for his sanity, peace. He realised no matter what he couldn’t leave her. She was still in front of him. Yet he couldn’t take her silence, her unresponsiveness to him. He couldn’t imagine what would he do if she really went away. No. Even though he was sure he must let her go, he couldn’t. He felt selfish there and didn’t care about what the world needed anymore. She said she was ready to move on with him, compromise with him. He would just do that to keep her to himself. He would ask her forgiveness, do whatever she would ask of him. But he would not be able to leave her. He wasn’t that much strong.
His days went by staying by her side day and night. He talked to her everyday sharing his guilt and fear with her. Pleading her to wake up and he would never fight with her again.
His actions turned monotonous slowly. Her cabin became his abode. He didn’t move or retort when Maami came to insult him and accuse him. He knew he deserved them this time. She demanded he left them but he refused to budge. He was going to leave his phool kumari. She was afraid of abandonment. He made that out as he kept reflecting back to her words from that night over and over again as he waited for her to wake up. Shiva could now see why she was so angry with him when she misunderstood his plan when they were kidnapped. He could now see through her words.He would make sure she felt secured. No one wanted to leave her. He would make her believe that someday.
His Bhabi forced him to go to the store three days. She didn’t want him stay aloof from the worldl ike this. She asked him to not close of within himself and share whatever he had on his mind, at least with her. He refused. He didn’t want to burden anyone with his pain. He had already hurt his Raavi. He would nurse his wound alone. To give his Bhabima some peace, he went to store for few hours. ¾ hours and he rushed back to reassure himself of her existence. That had been going on for last three days.
Shiva was lost in his thoughts as he sat on a chair beside her bed as usual. Her hand was clasped between his. He peppered small kisses on her knuckles. He couldn’t help wonder what she would do when she woke up. She would definitely be angry. But would she leave him? Would she accept him? He was afraid she would reject him outright. She was his chipkali. There was a possibility she could refuse to even see his face.
He shook his head at his train of thought and focused on her face again. She looked....restless. Her breath was getting heavy and frown was visible in her face. What was happening? He quickly got up to call the doctor who suggested he stayed outside as he checked her. He didn’t want to agree. But arguing would only delay them. He chose to heed the doctor. He waited.
___________________
Raavi blinked her eyes several time willing the darkness to disappear before finally opening her eyes. A doctor greeted her with a polite smile. Doctor! She looked around. The pristine white walls hurt her eyes. She blinked several time to adjust. There were machines surrounding her. She could feel the strong smell of medicine. Hospital. Raavi sighed. Of course hospital. She had cut her wrist. It was obvious they would rush here with her. No returning back home or going up toher parents. Why her fate was so adamant to keep her here? Why whatever she wanted was being denied to have? She wanted to cry, scream but she chose to be angry. Angry at the universe, angry at fate, angry at herself. Who asked her to waltz alone in the middle of a empty road? She actually should be angry at Shiva. He always managed to bring the best and the worst out of her. But she couldn’t be angry at him. It wasn’t his fault. It was her and her thoroughly. She had hurt him, didn’t understand his plight and made him feel insecure, low about himself.
She suddenly remembered their words from that night. He said she would be happy if there was no him. He was wrong. She could never be happy without him. Even if she was given a polished, gentlemanly version of his. Sje needed him and only him. She mentally berated herself for asking such stupid questions. And fate chose to pick on exactly that line. How ironic!!
She was doomed. Cursed with a life away from him. It would have been better if she had died. It could have saved her a lot of sufferings. But she deserved this. Deserved it for breaking the self esteem of a man who had never before doubted himself. She knew why he left studies after school. Still she chose to taunt him, call him names.I t was her who allowed her friend to dishonor him. Make him low in his eyes. Make him fall. She clenched her hands tightly digging her nails into her palm to ignore the jibe her heart kept taking. He had always effected her. And now she knew whish extent. She realised she had accepted him as her husband long back not for any compromise or adjustment. But it was too late for her to realise all these. Too late.
She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t realise that the doctor and the nurse had left the room. Her reverie broke when the door opened with a jolt. She turned towards the door disinterested only to have her breath hitched and she release her hands.
Tujhpe hi aitbarhai
Tu hi mereraazdar hai
Meri duniyatujhe toh maloom hai
There stood her Shiva in his usual attire wearing his red vest underneath the black shirt she had gifted him. She would notice him anywhere. She couldn’t believe. Was it really him or she had started to hallucinate? She waited with baited breath ashe walked to her slowly and stood beside the bed. She tried to sit up breaking Shiva's trance. He immediately helped her and rearranged the pillows for her while she just kept looking. When he proceeded to move away Raavi pulled him by his wrist catching him off guard. He sat in front of her with heads bowed down. Raavi just stared at him in disbelief. She wanted to be sure. She wrapped her hand around his trishul locket. She took his left wrist and ran a hand over his bracelets. The AU Shiva had only a Shiva band on his right hand unlike her Shiva. She ran a hand over his shirt then looked up at his face. She timidly raised her hand and touched his cheeks – warmth. She felt warmth at the slight contact. She traced her fingers to his forehead and swiped away his locks. With much effort, she croaked out his name,
“Shi...va”,
“aise kaowyeki tarah kiya ka ka kar rahi hai, dhang se bol na”, Shiva said as he held a glass of water to Raavi's mouth, there was a certain softness in his voice contrary to his ruff words. He looked guilty, broken. Even though she would love to make faces at his comparison, she felt emotional hearing him after days. She threw herself into his arms and buried her face in his neck inhaling his scent. Home. She finally felt home.
That was it for her. She started crying vigorously tightening her hold around his neck,
“Bhoothnath”,
Shiva closed his eyes hearing her voice and clutched her as close as possible. After two weeks she had finally woken up. This two weeks felt like eternity to him. He thanked the Almighty above for answering his prayers.
“I am sorry Raavi. Mujhe maaf karde. Maine tere saath bohat galat kiya. Joh bhi tha mere problems the. Mujhe tujhpar usska gussa nahi nikal na tha. Tere saath badtameezi nahi karna tha. Main waada kar ta hu main saab thik kar dunga. Tu jaise bolge aise hoyega aab se. Main khudko badal dunga Raavi. Kabhi chodke jaane ki baat nahi bolunga. Tu bas mujhe chod ke maat ja. Main janti hu main tere maafi ke layak nahi. Pan main tere har saza bhugatne ko tayar hu. Main tere layak banne ke puri koshish karunga, Raavi”,
This man was unbelievable. She had made him doubt himself. Made him go through so much. Here he was ready to change himself. He didn’t know how lucky she was to get him. He would never know. But she knew and she was thankful to her Almighty for that. She would cherish him and love him for the rest of her life. There was no way she would leave him ever.
“chaltujhe maaf kiya”, Raavi sniffled breaking the hug and stared into his deep black eyes. Dark shadows were apparent under his eyes and he looked thin. She wondered how many days he hadn’t slept or hadn’t eaten properly.
“pan kiya tu mujhe maaf kar payega? Pata nahi kya kya bulata tha main tujhe. Shadi ke baad bhi meri saari narazgi tujhse thi aur main hamesha tujhpe hi apni saare bharas nikalti thi. Tu tab bin bole sunta gaya”,
Shiva shook his head negatively but she persisted, determined to bring it all out for once and all. After that these should never have a place in their life,
“Aaj bhi mere vazese, mere saheli ke vazese tujhe khud par shak huya. Apne kabiliyat pe shak huya. Mere vazese. Meri irada tujhe nicha dikhana ya hurt karna nahi tha Shiva. Woh saare yadein rakh ke maine galti ki hai. Dobi hu na main. Tere ehmiyat, tere zaroorat, tere auhda mere life mein kya hai, mujhe tab samaj aayai jab main tujhe kho hi diya jaise. Aisa nahi hona chaiye tha. Mujhe tujhe samaj na chaiye thi. Tere insecurities door karni chaiye thi naki usse badana”,
She chuckled dryly seeing his shocked expression. No wonder he was ready to compromise and change. He never expected her to understand him, she didn’t let him expect either. But not anymore.
Meri hai aajibaadatein
Kuch khudgarzchahatein
Har jazbatphir bhi masoom hai
“Tujhse kehna chaiye thi ki tu jaise hai usse ek boond bhi main badal na nahi chahti. Haa tu apne naak pe gussa kam rakh sakta hai. Pan mujhe tu aise hi pasand hai. Tu dil ka saaf hai, parivar pe zaan chidak ta hai aur mere liye toh mujhe hi chod ne tayyar ho gaya. Aur kya chaiye Shiva? Mujhe woh gentleman nahi chaiye joh apne pyar ka saath na de saake, joh ek ladki ke zindagi barbad karke dubara mudke na dekh sake, jisme humdardi chod insaniyat bhi kam ho. Mujhe bas tu chaiye. Joh apne nafrat main bhi sahi aur sach ka saat dena janta ho. Woh bhi inn tel masalo ke saath. 2 hafte main taras gayi thi tere iss khushbo ke liye Shiva. Tu ne kaha tu kuch bhi karega. Main apna Shiva mangti hu. Dega kya?”,
Both leaned forward resting their foreheads together.
Andhi surangoki panha hu main aur tu hai ujalo chor
Khud pe hi beeti si main raat hu aur tu hai mera bhor
Shiva let himself cry again. Closing his eyes, he just let the tears flow down. Raavi cupped his face and made him look at her.
“Bol na”,
“joh tu kahe”.
She could clearly see that his insecurities weren’t erased. They wouldn’t go that easily for he had been keeping them inside for a while. That was why she was here for. His wife. His partner. It might take time, but she surely would remove all this fears of him. She would free him from his own cage. She would make him believe in himself again. She would merge his darkness with her sunshine. Together, they had a lifetime to grow.
Grinning ear to ear she again hugged him trying to hide in his embrace. He too engulfed her in his arms trying to hide her from the world.
Harry Potter
Kabhi Neem Neem Kabhi Shahad Shahad
Shiv Shakti
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