IF Karan Johar made Taare
Obvious starcast:
Shah Rukh Khan as the arts teacher (duh duh duh!!).
Aryan Khan as the dyslexic child (even if he could not act for
nuts).
Rani Mukerjee as the kid's mom (assuming Kajol is unavailable).
Abhishek Bachchan as the kid's dad.
Amitabh Bachchan as the school principal (who cares if the role
is ultra minute, he can afford it).
It would be shot in New York to appeal to the NRI audience.
The story line would obviously be different. SRK would fall for
the dyslexic kid's mom. The last scene would have the mom
running to the teacher rather than the kid. And again, like in
so many other movies, SRK would get someone else's girl.
It would have one dance number.
The film would be titled ' Kuch Taare Zameen Par.'
If Sanjay Leela Bhansali made Taare
Obvious starcast:
Salman as the teacher.
Rani as the mother.
Of course the whole film would be shot on elaborate sets.
The school would be nothing short of Harvard university.
An orchestra would play every time anyone cried.
Slow motion, different camera angles for every scene.
The school uniforms would match the classroom walls even
though that does not make a f***ing difference.
The film would cost 60 crores.
If Farah Khan made Taare
Obvious starcast:
SRK as the teacher (yawn)..
In the original Taare, Aamir makes an entry at the
interval point. In Farah's version, SRK would be on
screen on for 2.30 hrs out of the 2.45 hrs and
would be introduced in the first scene itself.
The story would be changed to make sure the above
happened. The focus of the film would be a teacher
who helps a kid fight dyslexia..
To make it a complete entertainer, there would be a
romantic angle, comedy, and action thrown in. Oh
idea!! Nikumbh's character likes another teacher
and the kiddo helps him.. throw in some comedy
moments there and you have romance and comedy
settled. For action.. hmm.. lemme see.. oh yah, the
kid gets kidnapped and the teacher fights the
baddies to save him. Wow!! I'm quite an imaginative
writer. I can see how Farah can write a film from
scratch in two weeks straight.
The film posters would have a big SRK with the tiny
image of the kid in the background.
If Rakesh Roshan made Taare
Obvious starcast:
Hrithik Roshan as the teacher.
Since Rakesh Roshan cannot think beyond
science fiction these days, this film would
have that too. Instead of dyslexia, the kid
would have alienositis or something, a
condition induced due to him witnessing an
alien abduction.
Instead of Nikumbh being an arts teacher, he
would be a physics teacher, and instead of
asking kids to be creative, he would ask them
to challenge the science we know.
In the scene where Nikumbh asks the kids to
open their minds and make whatever they want
outdoors, the kid Ishaan, instead of making a
boat, would end up making a working spaceship
prototype.
Nikumbh would cure the kids problem by making
a full fledged version of the kid's
prototype, traveling to the alien planet, and
asking them to give the kid his powers back.
The film would have music by Rajesh Roshan
ripped off from some world music.
The film's name would again start with a K..
probably ' Kuch Aliens Taaron se Zameen Par'
..
The director would make sure Hrithik gets to
show all his abilities. This would mean a
scene with Roshan jr flexing his muscles, and
a dance competition in the end, instead of an
arts competition.
If Priyadarshan made Taare:
Obvious starcast:
Akshay Kumar as the teacher.
Paresh Rawal as the kid's dad.
It would be a brainless comedy. The
kid's dyslexia would be made fun of.
Half the times the parents will be
running after the kid from one room to
the other and that, in the director's
opinion, would be funny.
The film will be full of sex jokes. So
for example, when Akshay would come to
the parents telling them that their son
has dyslexia, the ignorant father would
say something inappropriate like 'iss
umar mein? par kaise, woh to hamesha
boys school mein padha hai!'. And yes,
the director would think it is funny.
In the climax of the film all the
characters in the film would run around
in the amphitheater for no reason,
spilling colors on each other. That's
where the film will end, without any
logical conclusion.
And of course, Paresh Rawal would emote
like an epileptic himself making us
question the boy's mental abilities
anyway.
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