Toxic ~ Even if we can't be together in the end - Chapter 23 Up ! - Page 31

Aloha is an average town - not too small to have a shopping mall but barely big enough to get Amazon express shipping. To the naked eye, it is picturesque. Sweet in its 'no two homes are alike' originality and welcoming in its 'can I help you carry your groceries ? ' kind of way. You cannot keep secrets behind closed doors as there are always way too many prying eyes but the sky was blue, the Kushsundar lake untarnished by pollution, and the kids still played outside rather than zoned out on mobile phones ALL the time.

I love it here. But, I also hate who I am here.

When I left for New York, I had made a promise to live my dreams - away from Meridian Corp. and Harshvardhan Hooda. I wanted to make a difference. An impact. A change. I wanted to be a trustworthy friend, an attentive lover, a loving son and a moral lawyer. I became none.

I became a defense attorney, fighting for worst of the worst. I rarely came home, choosing to spend my time defending more criminals and hiking to Europe whenever I needed a break. Amsterdam, Paris, Madrid, Budapest - I had seen them all. Mom made peace with my lifestyle and my college friends didn't really seem to miss me, so it all worked out.

Am I having a midlife crisis ? Maybe. We all have unfulfilled dreams and personal regrets but we don't want to hear them. It hurts our egos. And Pramod Mehta stomped mine into a dirty puddle when he told me about Zoya's past.

"It was a witness protection case. She testified for the prosecution in the Jansen family murder trial. Just to refresh your memory, Timothy Salis Jansen, his three kids and wife were murdered eight years in New York by one John Luchesse - member of one of the 'Five Families' of New York mafia. I believe you two studied at New York University, correct ?"

I didn't reply. He continued.

"Well, I don't know the specifics. Gotta give it to the US Marshals, they are experts in forging identities but she was there somehow, she testified against John Luchesse. He was sentenced to life imprisonment but died in 2017 from colon cancer. Lucky bas***d. I couldn't dig up anything else, every trail ended up in a dead end. But, your girl is one brave badass"

Zoya Qureshi testified in Jansen murder trial ? Zoya Qureshi, my girlfriend. Zoya Qureshi, NYU law student. What was even going on ?

"Are you sure, Zoya testified against John Luchesse ? Zoya Qureshi was the witness in the Jansen murder scandal ?"

"Positive"

"How ? What happened to her after that? Why did she exit the witness protection program and come back to India ?"

"I got no clue. Two weeks is too short a time to find witness protection details. It's protected by US Marshals."

"I didn't mean to question your skills in any way. It's just that ... I am ... I didn't expect this"

He made me realize that I was a failure. Failure in love. Failure in life. A total complete failure.

Aloha wasn't a bad place. It was perfect actually but I was less perfect when I was here. Suddenly I felt stuffy wearing a tux inside the air-conditioned car. A heavy weight settled on my heart. I missed my New York. I missed my Zoya. I missed my friends. I missed ME.

How long had Zoya lived in a world stained with fear and pain? How had she slept through the nights unsure if she would see the sun again? How did she survive it ? This secret - I shouldn't have known it. It was hers to reveal or hide.

All I wanted to do was embrace her. Kiss her. Show her that her family might have forgotten her but I never would. I would chase away the silence, I would scatter away the shadows. I would spend my life making sure she was never lonely again.

No wonder she fought me so hard. No wonder she was so difficult, so prickly.

" I aborted our child. And, I know I'm supposed to have this regret. Guilt. But, I don't. It was the right decision at the time "

"Every now and then, I think to myself - I could have a kid right now. He or she would be eight years old. And I'm not sad exactly, but I do wonder how different my life would have been. It's the truth. You have to believe me"

The shrill ring of my phone chased away my thoughts. I slid the screen on my iPhone, accepting the call.

"Hey, Mom"

"Adi, Where are you ?" she asked clearly irritated.

I opened the car window to let the fragrant summer breeze in. Looking outside, I wondered if I had ever been more confused than I was at thirty. Freaking thirty. I should be all wise, sage and crap like that. My mind was so muddy that I could barely even walk. "Just ten minutes Ma, almost there. The flight got delayed"

I could hear the smile in her voice as she set goodbye and ended the call. I shook my head as I inhaled the clean morning air. I could do better. A lot better. And I would.

My leather shoes slapped the smooth stone ground as I entered the Hooda Mansion. Light music wafted in the air and there were way too many cars parked outside. Fantastic. How can Hooda's pass any opportunity to show the petty commoners of Aloha that they were the elite here. My analytical lawyer mind was busy chastising Hooda's ostentatious parties, so you can imagine my surprise when I enter the large doors and see Zoya standing smack in the middle of the room. Smiling.

And for the millionth time, Zoya Siddiqui left me breathless. She's wearing a deep burgundy dress that hugs her in all the right places and strappy heeled shoes that send my imagination spinning into the X-rated territory.

Zoya is a major pain in the ass, but it's only because she's been hurt, traded justice for strangers with her own safety, survived in constant fear. . . and now's she's scared of love and normal. I knew if she let me in, she'll give her all. Her hair falls around her shoulders in soft shining waves. My hand twitches to touch it as I walk towards her. She smiles at something my father says and then her gaze finds mine. Her eyes widen in surprise and appraise me from head to toe. I arch an eyebrow and smirk, letting her know how indiscreet she was. She immediately plasters a smile in response. Professional. Cold. But, I notice the way the flawless caramel skin of her face tightens and her mouth hardens, bringing out smooth hollows in her cheeks.

Have you ever tried to take a picture of something really far away ? You look through your camera lens and the whole scene is hazy ? So you adjust the focus, zoom in and out and try to keep your grip firm. Then boom -instant clarity. Everything snaps into place. The picture is crystal clear. That's what it's like for me - looking at Zoya. Instantly it's all so obvious. So frigging clear.

I am in LOVE with her. Totally. Helplessly. Pathetically.

Zoya owns me. Body and soul. She's all I think about. I would do anything for her. I want her near me, with me. All the time. Forever.

It's not just her gorgeous little body or her brave soul. It's not just how eager she is to challenge me or her timid innocent eyes. It's more than that.

It's all of it. It's her.

I have broken every goddamn goal I have ever set for myself. For her. It was to have her. To keep her. How did I ever think that I dragged her to Aloha to get a closure ? How did I not see it before ? How come I didn't know ?

"Aditya !" my father greets me. Harshvardhan Hooda is in his full show and tell mode. Just look at his animated gestures, his face. He goes on to describe why he organized a small get-together. Who cares ! He invited Zoya. I am happy. End of the story.

My eyes fall on Zoya's mouth. It's full and lush, with red lips begging to be ravished. I study her, dissecting her like a murder case, breaking her down into tiny fragments like multiple court hearings. I wonder if she knows how much I have done this, how much I have studied her, how well I know her inside and out. I know her sighs and smiles, the meaning behind the crack in her voice and the goosebumps on her skin. I can tell when she is happy, when she is furious, when she is sad all by the gleam in her eyes. No matter how hard she fights to keep her emotions from showing, I know what she thinks of me.

I know she resists me. I can see it. I can sense it. It's written in the tension in her muscles. But I know she loves me too, because a fire wages beneath her skin and not all of it is fueled by anger. Every now and then she'll forget she's supposed to resist me, she'll forget she's not allowed to want me. She'll forget I'm forbidden. And all she remembers in the moment, all she knows, all she cares about, is that I'm a man and she is a woman.

The desire swirling in her onyx orbs when she pulled me close and challenged me after our courtroom standoff was not fake.

"Stop undressing me with your eyes...use your hands"

Sweet f**king Christ.

Then someone in the room moves towards us and my mood plummets to the deepest depth of the Pacific. I have never hated a person - and the jackal who spawned him - so much. Arjun. The bane of my goddamn existence.

"What about Arjun? Is he helping you on this project ? Afterall you were just an assistant a week ago"

"No, he refused. Sent me an email saying that I need to do this one on my own"

"Good"

I button the jacket of my perfectly tailored Gucci. The tux which made me feel uncomfortable earlier was now my armour of choice.

"I was just telling Arjun" my father says "about that design nine-hole Zoya made for the golf course. How lucky we are to have her"

Have her ? The word lucky doesn't even come close. She made me think, she made me laugh, she made me hard.

"It's all an act" Arjun teases "Beneath this prim dress and that good-girl persona beats the heart of a true rebel. I could tell you stories about Zoya that would put hair on your eyeballs"

Zoya turns stern eyes towards him "Thank you Arjun. Please don't"

King Idiot smiles and puts his arm around her shoulder. He whispers something in her ears which makes her eyes widen.

I need a drink. Or a punching bag. Now.

Any other time, any other girl, I would bury Arjun - without even trying. He can't hold a candle to me. I'm a goddamn Porsche, he's an old auto without a license plate. But, this is Zoya. They have history - he was there for her when I wasn't. He held her hand during her most difficult time. And that, kiddies, makes him some major league competition.

Words fly out of my mouth like well-aimed bullets. "That's right. You were quite the little delinquent back in the day, weren't you Zoya ? Dad, did you know that she used to part-time as a waitress to support herself through law school ? Guess it beats pole dancing"

She chokes on her drink. Gentleman, that I am, I hand her a napkin.

"Arjun did you even know that she went to law school ? Ever wondered how she ended up as your assistant designer ?"

Cue in a big stupid clueless face. Brains aren't everything, in fact in his case - they were nothing.

I turn towards my father who is calmly sipping his drink "And father dearest, your guest of honour Arjun here - he draws random sketches to support himself. Right ?"

The guest of honour looks at me like I'm a pile of dog crap that he just stepped in "I am a Chief Architect"

"So, tell us Arjun, if you are such a Chief, why do you still work nine to five and wait thirty days to get your salary. You are just a well paid ... help"

See how his jaw clenches ? How his eyes narrow? Bring it on Chief !

"Why don't you grab your designs, or whatever you make, and pop up on stage ? There's a lot of money floating around this room. Maybe you could get a contract or two."

Almost there. Come on.

"I am happy with my job. I don't beg for contracts, I work for a firm"

Still not deterred ? This should do it.

"Wow. Didn't you have to run all the way to Aloha because some big cheese sent you an email, I mean an order, to drag your sorry ass to pay your respects to me. But, you like it. You like being on a leash. Good for you, tiger"

"Listen, you piece of ---"

"Arjun why don't you get me another drink ? I am almost done with this one" Zoya pulls on his arm, cutting off what I'm sure would have been a brilliant retort.

And then she turns towards me, and she doesn't sound nearly as friendly. "Aditya, I just remembered I have some suggestions to run through you about the lobby design. I need your digital sign off on the draft. Let's discuss it"

I don't move. I don't answer her. My eyes are still locked with Shit for Brains.

"It's a get together Zoya" my father says, unaffected by his son's totally doucheness. He might even be proud. "You should save the work for Monday"

"It'll take just a minute" she tells him with a smile, before grabbing my arm and dragging me away.

So much had changed in the last eight years yet nothing had changed at all. The way Zoya glared at me was still the same, yet there was a new layer to the glower that not only activated my lust to heat and prickle but my heart too.

Once we are in the library, Zoya slams the door behind us. It is eerily dark, the walls are bathed in a sort of neon glow as the lights from outside shine in through the window, the curtains drawn open. I straighten my sleeves, then smile benevolently "If you wanted to be alone with me that badly, all you had to do was ask"

She doesn't appreciate my humour "What are you doing Adi ?"

Adi, not Aditya. Progress.

"What am I doing ?"

"Why are you insulting Arjun ? Do you know how hard it was for me to get him to come to Aloha ?"

Poor Arjun.

"Then why did you goddamn beg him to come here ?"

The incandescent light makes her skin look as pale as porcelain. She snaps "He's my boss and my friend"

"I am your boss" I point towards the closed door "He is an asshole"

Her cheeks are flushed, her breathing is fast, and she's got murder in her eyes.

Beautiful.

"Arjun and I have been through a lot together. You don't know him"

I raise my brows "Oh, I know. I know a lot sunshine"

She moved closer, pulling my gaze to her perfect body and how f**king much I suffered when it came to her. Love her. Hate her. Adore her. Abhor her. I could never win.

"Please stop trying to embarrass him"

"I was just pointing out the facts. If the truth embarrasses your boyfriend, then it's his problem, not mine"

I am a ticking time bomb.

Tick.Tick. Tick.

It's only a matter of time before she clips the wrong wire and I explode.

"Is this a jealousy thing ?"

Just because when I see them together I can't decide if I want to puke or punch his freaking lights out - she calls that jealousy. Words fly out of my mouth before I have enough time to process them "Don't flatter yourself. You were mine once but sweetheart I will put a stake through my heart before being jealous over seeing you with that pile of monkey crap"

What the heck am I even saying ? Damn all the rainbows and unicorns to hell, I LOVED HER. And this time it was not young love. It was not stupid. It was not inexperienced.I couldn't f**k up again. I wouldn't let anyone f**k up again. Not me. Not her. Not the goddamn universe.

Fire dances in her eyes as she raises her half-filled glass.

"Don't you f**king dare. You throw that drink at me, I'm not responsible for what I do after"

I will give you two minutes to guess what she does ...Yep, she threw the drink at me.

"Goddammit" I grab the tissues from the desk and wipe my dripping face.

She snaps "Don't you ever talk to me like that again"

My face is dry but my shirt and jacket are still soaked. I throw the tissues down "Doesn't matter. I am leaving anyway. I have a date to get to" with a therapist. Because I had clearly lost my mind.

I will placate her tomorrow. I will make things right - tomorrow. My mind was a mess, rampant with questions and frustration. Questions about her past and frustration at our lost time.

I should leave.

I battled with love and violence. Guilt chewed caverns inside me. She was worth so much more than I had to give and that terrified me. I even made a move towards the door. But then she opened that sweet mouth of hers.

"A date ? Wouldn't that involve actual conversation ? Don't you mean you have a quick hook up to get to ?"

I closed my hands around her waist and pull her in. In a low voice I tell her "My hookup's are never quick-they're long and thorough. And you should be careful, Sunshine. Now, you're the one you sounds jealous."

"I don't like you"

"If you could read my mind ... " I pause, laughing darkly "you would be trembling"

The questions in my stomach curdled until all I wanted to do was hug her and say I didn't care if her name was fake and her past tarnished. All I cared about was her. The woman I knew right here, right now. The one I valued and respected.

Goosebumps flash on her arms as my fingers draw a path on her bare. She gulps "If I had known this is how it would be" then pushes at my chest, uselessly "I would've never -"

My lips crash on hers. I couldn't let her complete that sentence. I didn't care if the timing wasn't right. All I cared about was kissing her, convincing her, showing her that no matter what happened...we were already bound and doomed.

But, I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't stop. I couldn't.

She clutched my shirt in her fists. Tensing. And then her tongue flickered into my mouth and I knew, I just knew I would fight myself tooth and nail to deserve her. I am trained to keep my emotions from showing but she alone knows how to get under my skin. My only exception. As quickly as I'd bestowed the kiss, I pushed her away, curling my fists against the sudden roar for more.

"Do you love me ?"