Could you be ever bewitched?
By just a look into someone's eyes?
A moment where everything would freeze,
And in her eyes would reside your paradise.
Could insanity be an ocean?
Where love formed its each drop
Could happiness look so surreal?
Making your heartbeats stop.
If beauty was just one person
Then I must freeze this time,
For everything I ever wanted,
Rests in my arms today so divine.
Paradise to me was only a term that existed in books and the great epics of our culture, ever since I had learned of the existence of time.
A word, albeit fancy, but a word nonetheless.
I have known of words as one of the most powerful weapons bestowed upon the mankind, which we all must oblige to use carefully, but we seldom do. Yet, it is action that even today holds the dominance over everything else, even words, because if what you do don't follow what you say, everything you say is nothing less than a shallow vessel.
I had said a lot too. To everyone, and lastly her.
I had assured her not once but n. number of times that there won't come a day when I would let tears come in her eyes. I won't ever let anything or anyone harm her.
I had said it all with conviction, for I knew that was what I truly wanted, that is what I truly want.
But I erred, and how.
I have studied so many case files, investigated them, solved them, came out victorious all the time. Yet when it comes to her, I falter, I falter time and again and how.
For even today if someone asks me, what is she.. I may not really know the answer.
Who is she?
She is my wife, of course.
I know that's not her sole identity because she is so much more, but to me, I feel this inexplicable pride and joy when I embrace the feeling myself that she is my wife. She is mine.
Yet I don't know her.
I don't know her, because it is not human for me to fathom how she does it, every time?
How does she relentlessly manage to put everyone else, everything else before her, not letting even a frown show up on her visage, while from within, I can't even imagine what she goes through?
Has she really taken the philosophy of grow through what you go through a little too seriously? So much that she doesn't mind suffering in silence, while she puts herself down and others up, prioritizing everyone else's problems, sidelining hers?
I dread to even think about the day, the day that was supposed to be my happiest memory, our happiest memory, yet fate turned it upside down, when she sat on her knees and asked me if I would fulfill her dream of a happy family.
I had my breath caught when I, the one who had longed to hear it from her mouth since what seemed like ages, got to finally hear those golden words from her, but everything became clouded, for what I had heard from Juhi moments ago from that time, had pushed me to a predicament I didn't want to be ensnared in.
Will I fulfill her dream of a happy family?
Hell, yes. That is what I had wanted, perhaps since the time I had met her first, when I didn't even know her. That exact same spot where we first met and I had saved her, she chose the very same place to tell me what I wanted to hear, what she felt about me, but destiny gave me a whiplash as that moment of joy turned into a moment of despair, as I revealed to her what I never wanted to even think of in my worst nightmare.
More than her, I wanted a happy family myself, with her. Where it would be just us, and later, our kids. Yet what I was pushed to tell her was that Juhi had a little girl, and I was her father.
I can never forget how it broke her heart when I had said those words, and she had dropped the ring that I had always wanted to adorn her delicate fingers, but thankfully I had caught it just in time. When she was almost going to trip from the railings, I can never forget how it had made a chill run down my spine, petrified of the mere thought of losing her forever.
No, I can never do that.
I can never even imagine living without her.
I had begged her to listen to me just once and had hoped against hope that she would. But when she had withdrawn her hand from my hold, it had felt like someone had snatched the ground beneath my feet, and in that puny moment I for the first time felt like I had lost a part of my own self and was left with a void that nothing and no one could ever fulfill.
But this was her.
She had shocked me yet again, just like she had from the first day that I had met her.
She had stopped and called out my name, making me turn to look at her, my eyes delving into hers as I sought what they held for me.
Was the love she confessed for me barely two minutes ago all gone?
Was the trust she held for me for all these months faded?
Was the hope that we could have our own happy family dissolved?
Those questions had scared the hell out of me, but to my utter bewilderment, what her eyes held for me at that moment was something completely different.
They held an understanding, that I could never put into words, but I knew, all hope wasn't lost. And I was right.
I was right as the next thing that she had asked me was, what was it that I was willing to tell her. She had asked me to complete it.
And in that very moment, I had fallen in love with her all over again.
Her one assurance that she was giving me a chance, a chance to tell her in detail what I wanted to, helped me resurrect from the dungeon that Juhi had put me into, when she had begged me to believe her that the child she was talking about was mine and hers.
A theory that I could never believe.
Five years ago I was a different person, one who never even dreamed of joining the police force, who took every day as it came, not being obsessed with the future. I wasn't as mature as I am today, but I wasn't this frivolous about things either that I could father a child, knowing that I was leaving for London for 2 years the very next week.
I knew Juhi was constantly reminding me of the night of our engagement when we both had had a lot of champagne, telling me that was the night she had conceived our child, but I knew distinctly that nothing had happened that night between us. Nothing that could transform into a baby.
But at that moment in the present, Juhi's condition was not good and hence, I could never ask her with conviction on why she was lying, for it was for her to know and me to find out, but what I did know was if she could say with so much authority and belief that the child was mine when I was sanguine it wasn't, she was most certainly holding on to the threads of the past, the ones, which had become vague for me, long, long ago, maybe from the moment Avni came into my life.
But never had I expected Avni to have a stringent belief in my belief as she had held my hand after hearing my side of the story and said that whatever it was that I was planning to do, she would be by my side.
And could I stop myself from thinking, what the hell did I do in this life to deserve someone like her?
No.
I had told her that since Juhi had made a world of her own in her head where for some reason she felt this child was mine, it wouldn't take her long to say the same thing to the other family members too, and so I had decided that it was better that I told our family by myself that it was my child.
I had only thought that she would flinch at such a proposition, but all I saw in her eyes at that moment was faith. Faith in me that I would make everything all right just the way that I had promised.
To be honest right then, I didn't even have faith in my own promise though I wanted to make everything normal right away, for I knew how man proposes, god disposes, comes to play quite often when we think we have almost achieved what we wanted to.
But it was only and only her faith that kept me going.
I had promised her that come what may, it was only her who I wanted to spend my life with, and Juhi or this child could never part me from her.
She had not even said a single word but it was her smile--the most innocent thing in the whole wide world for me, that conveyed just one thing: she believed in whatever I said.
So how could I not hug her tight?
And I did just that, but not before slipping the ring onto her ring finger, the place where it rightfully belonged.
.
The sundown setting was mesmerizing now, as everything around me was white, as was today's theme, but it didn't stop me from recalling yet another dreadful night, the night when I had again erred, when Juhi had attempted suicide by slitting her wrists, making me leave Avni at the altar, before I could even complete my vows.
When I had spoken to Juhi's psychologist with whom we had made her undergo two sessions, he had said that she suffered from not just PTSD, but something else too, as whatever she spoke of, be it her child that she considered to be mine, or anything else, always had discrepancies with their timelines. The psychologist was considering the fact that maybe because of the things that happened with her in Rang Mahal, which landed her into becoming an unwed mother, had messed with her mind so much that she had started imagining that this child wasn't a residue of something horrible that happened to her, but was mine and her love child.
As much as her condition panged me, I found myself drowning into more agony as I wondered how it was going to be for Avni to face all of this.
The psychologist had suggested that we keep a tab on Juhi's everyday behavior and look for instances where she tries to use her child to build a connection with me. He had also said that she wasn't doing all of it on purpose and maybe she wasn't even lying when she said she didn't want anything to do with me, but it was her own mental condition that was taking a toll on her, making her bipolar, wherein one minute she wanted a distance between her and me and the other minute, she was living a perfect story where I was hers, and we had a child together.
Yes, her suicide attempt wasn't something we both hadn't anticipated, yet it was supposed to be our moment, our special day, that was yet again ruined, but Avni had no complaints, and she had again put others before her own happiness.
We had known from way before that Vidyut R was going to board the 11.10 p.m. flight with the little girl for Goa from Mumbai, and that's precisely why we had both kept our bags packed in the pretense that we would be going for a proper honeymoon after we renewed our vows.
We also knew the possibility of Juhi doing something to stop our celebrations, as suggested by the psychologist, and that's exactly why I had asked DD to keep a tab on her. Why was Juhi doing all of this when she had herself asserted she didn't want to break our marriage was way beyond my understanding, but never had I thought she would do something as grave as attempting suicide. The psychologist had said that now wasn't the time to oppose her thoughts as it would only drive her further crazy and so, I knew, me and Avni had to let this charade go on for a while.
A part of me knew that the happiness both me and Avni desired for won't come this easy and so before anything could be ruined, I had deliberately averred my own vows to Avni before the priest even got us started, and I knew Avni understood it all, as we were both prepared for something happening the next minute, that only cemented the psychologist's assumption. Juhi did suffer from a mental disorder.
I knew that everything that followed, be it the act that Avni was hurt seeing Juhi hug me in front of everyone in the hospital, or her letter, was all a part of mine and Avni's plan but that didn't mean I wasn't dying every moment when I realized that Avni had to take off alone to Goa, to find the missing child.
It didn't mean that I was not flinching from within when I felt Juhi's hands hugging me close to her, when I didn't even feel anything remotely romantic about her, while the love of my life, my wife, my Avni, helplessly stood there at the door, watching her husband in some other woman's arms.
Yes, we spoke every day, every night, and I knew she knew that I loved her, but that didn't lessen the pain, that these moments, when we were supposed to be together, in each others' embrace, were moments we were spending apart, where she was living yet again as Ananya Verma, an identity I had helped her let go of in the past, in the house of that monster called Vidyut R., while I had to take the brunt of the family and keep up with Juhi, for just one thing, and that was to save the little girl, who was a child of Juhi and Vidyut.
.
Avni had successfully managed to get a DNA sample of both Mishti and Vidyut, and they had been a perfect match, something I had already expected.
I remember how I had breathed a sigh of relief when Avni had sent me a screenshot of that report, not because it got me a clean chit, but because the promise I had given to Avni that I would make everything all right, was finally turning into a living reality as we now had the fundamental proof in hand, that in no way was I involved in this case, and I wasn't the father of Juhi's child.
But that didn't mean that I backed off from my duty as a police officer. I knew Vidyut was a vicious man, and so the next thing I knew was I had flown to Goa to finally put an end to this matter, while I had lied to everyone, including Neela Maa, someone I had never wished to lie to, that I was going to Auckland in search of my daughter.
What had followed was a saga of hits and misses, with us finally managing to take Mishti out of the clutches of Vidyut R. and also busting his crimes out in the daylights.
But sunshine didn't come easy to us because Juhi was still headstrong that it wasn't Vidyut but me, who was Mishti's father--something that had vexed my mom to infinity and beyond, but as usual Avni stopped her in the nick of time, letting her know that Juhi was mentally unstable.
The DNA reports too didn't make Juhi budge from her beliefs, but it was only when Vidyut came in front of her, that something shifted within her, changing her expressions instantaneously from fear to anger and then into nothingness.
Never could I imagine that Juhi had dated him before she came into my life, years ago, and the guy too had been genuinely in love with her, until she came to know how he wasn't financially stable and the fact that his mom was an avid criminal who had murdered her own husband, drifted her away from him.
I don't know who was right and who was wrong.
Was it Juhi's fault that she left the man who truly loved her just because he belonged to a criminal's family?
Or was it Vidyut's fault who though claimed to love Juhi back then but couldn't muster up the courage to tell her the truth about who he was.
What happened later between them, I didn't ask, but what I do know is the fact that her accident was set up not just by Ragini Pandit but also Vidyut.
How was Mishti conceived?
That's something I don't have any interest in knowing, but for now I know that she will be staying with her foster family, for Juhi is not mentally fit to take care of her child and Vidyut would be spending close to the next 10 years or more of his life in jail, courtesy: his endless list of crimes that include not just trafficking but murders too.
.
It is funny how we think we know someone, yet there's always miles to go before you fully fathom that person.
Juhi was indeed someone whom I thought I knew yet I never knew there lay so much hidden, something that could intoxicate my own present and future, threaten it.
But I also didn't know I would be blessed by someone who had the capacity of turning even toxins into elixirs, magically changing everything bad into everything good, everything wrong into everything right.
And now as I look into her waiting eyes, as the priest says, 'You may now kiss the bride,'' my lips curve into a smile as our families look shyly but happily on.
Last time was in ruins, and I knew in my heart, this time wasn't going to be anything like the last time, where our mission had stopped our wedding vows, but there were two things that were still the same.
She looked beautiful then, and she looked beautiful now.
Perhaps even more.
I loved her then, and I loved her now.
Perhaps even more.
And I want to spend each second of my life, now and forever, only and only with her.
And with that thought, I claimed her lips, holding her from the waist as I pulled her closer, and everyone clapped, making our life's happiest frame in the backdrop of a setting sun and silent sea, worthwhile in all possible ways.
Who is she?
She is my wife, Avni Neil Khanna.
What is she?
Yes, I know today.
My life.
My paradise.
My everything.
**
