Posted:
Yesterday I proposed a 32 year old man and got rejected. I'm not an active member on this forum, but since I had no one to talk about this and get a clearer picture I decided to get an advice from you guys. Sorry to completely bore you, I need to vent out or I will go crazy.
I'd keep it short since I do not want to bore anyone. I met this man through mutual friends four years ago. As an introvert I never allowed my self to open up and let people come into my life until him. I've seen my mother hurt and crying and after my parents divorce I promised myself to never fall for anyone. He used to push me to meet and hangout with him all the time. He would give me surprise visits on campus and after we graduated would regularly stay in touch and ask me to meet him and hangout. Couple of years into our friendship and I started to like him for his ideas, his opinions, his thought process and how respectful and kind he was towards people in general. I was completely smitten by him. He would compliment me for my personality and looks, claimed that he never met a girl before with so much pride and confidence, said I should allow myself to fall in love and open up my heart because I am very kind and I've kept my self hidden and locked up because I do not want to be hurt. I started developing feelings for him. I started to like his attention and felt a pang of jealousy when I saw him being comfortable around other girls, touch them or even hug them. And because of this there have been couple of times when I decided to pull back and cut the friendship and each time he would insist and apologize if he did something to make me back off.
There is more to the story but I finally got tired of my own feelings and after a month of no contact decided to send him a long text without any confession and just that I think it's best we go our seperate ways and it would be unfair for me to walk away without letting him know. He said he's not ready to part ways but then later said somehow he sensed that I am going to vanish from his life very soon that is why he was making up his mind to loose that connection we had emotionally.
I thought this would be the right time to confess so I summed up the courage and told him I have feelings for him and he deserved to know in so many words. After three hours he said "Amen. Your words sounds like prayers to me. You're not a bother. I am the burden" I said I am not expecting an undying love confession, but I do deserve a mature response from someone who is as talkative as you are." He said, "I have only been in one relationship my entire life, gave up my career for her. She was my fiance. But she never appreciated any of my gestures. Now I only want to keep my career first. And become something in my life. My ex kept me back in my career. I don't even know if I will ever marry, but if I do that that relationship will lead to marriage. But I am not sure if that will even happen." That was six years ago. I asked him if I misinterpreted all his gestures, was it always just me. he said "I genuinely felt like we connected but I never allowed myself to feel deeply. This year has been quite a shock for me. And now this from you. I need to go to sleep...and a couple more things here and there.
My last text to him was "You're right. I am sorry for overwhelming you with my feelings. You don't deserve that. I hope you have a pleasant night and great life." He never responded.
I'm not going to pressurize him or anything, that would only make him feel disgusted with me. As it is I feel like I made complete fool of myself.
Was I wrong in confessing my feelings? As a woman I shouldn't have done that? I've been trying to stay strong but each time I look back and see how he pulled back immediately after my confession I feel ashamed. A guy who couldn't stop texting me since the first time we met has ignored my last message. Did I misinterpret every thing he said from the beginning? I wasn't the one to approach this friendship. I never asked him to hangout and pushed him to constantly talk. Is it my age and that I am twenty five years old? The only question I have been asking myself since then is -What have I done? I feel a knot in my throat and now it's extremely hard for me to even let go
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