How well do I know him?
My head is splitting...in fact, my whole body feels split into two halves..and each half seems to be crying out only one name- Shravan. Who will understand how difficult this is for me? I can very well keep a brave face and tell Preeti I can take this as an arranged marriage...I guess I can too..For I have survived so much in my life..But leaving Shravan...
Where did we go wrong?
Did I not understand him? What did he want from me? Why is it that I could never regain his trust?
Shravan...
Shravan...
Who am I to him- A friend, a lover?
Let me see...He has two problems with me. One is that he feels I am too independent and the other is that he doesn't trust me when I ask him to...Somehow, I have never been able to get there when it comes to him... be a part of his circle of trust...Not that I didn't try hard enough..May be he doesn't want me there.
But I do know he wants me as a friend...and I know only too well the expectations he has from this friend...
Yes, he is jealous and possessive...as a friend. I mistook it for love. Had it been love, he would not have judged me at every juncture...he would have appreciated me instead of criticising me...But here he was constantly trying to keep me in check...as if I was some sort of a competition he had to judge. Would love have allowed him to do that? I know this because I love him...and each time he has hurt me, I have only tried to see it from his POV...up till now...
So, he doesn't love me...Perhaps what he felt for me was infatuation and he is never going down that path again...
Funny thing is, I can even understand why he was upset about PCT. It was his right as a friend...he had asked me multiple times...and here I was thinking he was gearing up for a confession. Stupid me! Stupid Stupid me!
Far from feeling any love for me, he is still keeping me at an arm's length...within a boundary called friendship.
Friendship..How I'd love it if we were at least that...Now I can understand why he wrote...Friendship mat todna Sumo.
Yes, that is how precious he is to me...If never a lover, at least a friend.
But no. He doesn't believe me deserving of even his friendship...Khokli dosti...Khokli dosti???!!! How easy it was to push me away!
I do understand he was hurt as a friend...as a F R I E N D...Still, why couldn't he think for once about how I'd feel when he'd call our friendship just that. Actress! Is that all he has to say about me now? Suman Tiwari, the actress? He thought my feelings for him were an act? All that happened between us was NOTHING!?
I can understand him feeling the way he feels...that a friend has betrayed him again...and if I am not mistaken, I saw that again today. He was shocked..he hated it that I didn't tell him first...that he had to hear it from Aditya who is not his favourite person in the world...
Yes, I feel bad for him...but I feel equally bad for myself. Does he even think for a second how bad he made me feel... No apology...Not even a trace of amiability! Should I still be thinking about how bad he must be feeling...
..What about my feelings? They don't matter to anyone???
PS: The weekend was spent writing out Shravan's POV, and I felt I missed my Sumo.😳
This bit didn't take a lot of effort ...I didn't want to think up anything to justify the writing...so I decided to just follow Suman as she has been depicted in the show...and I realised there is a difference in the way Suman and Shravan think.
For Shravan, Suman needs to be his lover...not just his friend..whereas for Suman, she is still willing to accept friendship if he cannot own up love. She sees Shravan as the lover she seeks as well as the friend he seems to want to remain...So she has to evaluate him from her expectations from a lover as well as his willingness to give as a friend. It is a tricky situation for Suman, because she is still trying to process him as a friend from his POV while hoping to see the lover she wants him to be...
And when she gets neither...😭
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