Posted:
Before you throw chappals at me just read. There will be an Entry 2 from Swara's Point of view. 😆It's a look inside of Ragini's mind. I'm doing a look inside of Swara's mind later. Because in all honesty both girls have flaws which is a good thing. Sorry for any mistakes I typed this up on my phone.
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<b>Ragini Lakshya Maheshwari - Entry 1
She's the definition of perfection, and I'm the definition of imperfection. I'm also the definition of a worst kind of criminal known as some would put it. I've always wanted everything Swara has had. In the process I've done many wrongs to my sister, yet had a hard time accepting them. Even now I've not come to terms with everything I've done. In my mind somewhere I'll still attempt to justify the acts and not blame myself for what they've caused.
I've let others change me,I've let situations manipulate me to do the wrong things but I could never change anyone else. No one in my family up to date has every attempted to understand why I did it. What goes through my mind. What wentthrough my mind. I suppose it started in the early phases of my childhood.The keyword to describe it is Isolation. I've always been isolated, I've always been out of touch with the other students around me right until I got to the academy. I could never keep up. I had my family, but I was treated as a puppet. I would often watch Swara how comfortable she was when we were children from my bedroom window. She had no problems interacting with the other kids that lived around us. Swara made friends with ease. I've always had a hard time making friends. I was never encouraged to do so by my mother- Why one may ask? Because she had passed away and my Dadi was a society fearing manipulator. Even the friends I did have I was detached from. I've always been jealous of the bond Swara had with her family. Even though I loved mine I was never close enough to tell anyone my dreams, fears, aspirations. Not that I was allowed to have aspirations. Fast forward. Swara beats me at Jugalbandi and I become a national disgrace to my family. I heard about it for days, and upon days. My father never spoke up for me. He just listened to my Grandmother beat out every inch of confidence I may have had left. It seems funny now in retrospective, back then it was a nightmare. Enter Lakshya. My now Husband, then ex Fiance, then Swara's Fiance. I was engaged to him. Not by choice I never had a choice of picking a partner. However the choice of falling into undeniable infatuation with him was mine. He was the only thing I wanted. I believed I could finally get the love I deserved if I got married to him. Or so I thought. He quickly fell for Swara and this was my first realization that no matter what I do, how I act I cannot compete with my sister. Even though I got my way after dirty tricks. A part of me hated myself, but another part of me couldn't loose him. Even now it hurts to think about the fact he may somewhere deep inside still have feelings for Swara. That I was never his first choice. I'm never anyone's first choice. Even now when things have settled I live in Swara's shadow. The only time I'm not in her shadow is when I do something so damn disgusting it repeals the world. It repeals me. I hate myself for everything, I do love my sister, but a part of me will always hold a little hate for her. A unjustified hate because she never had any control of the situations that I was in. She encourages me to be myself but between all that has happened. I no longer know who I am or what I'm doing. I even feel my father more attached to Swara than ever. I have Laksh but the truth of the matter is. I've only just started falling in love with him. Before it was just infatuation. Swara has Sanskaar. They're the dream couple. Even my love life is a fail against her's. Swara has both her parents I have a wonderful step-mom but a mentally absent father. I wish I was stronger than this. I wish I could've avoided petty thoughts. I couldn't, I can't. Trust me inside my head it's been a living hell from day 1. At times I feel like I'm playing a character. That this Ragini doesn't exist. I question myself. Who is Ragini? Who do I want Ragini to be? Truth is I don't know. All I know is even in Swaragini. Swara's name comes first.
I've let others change me,I've let situations manipulate me to do the wrong things but I could never change anyone else. No one in my family up to date has every attempted to understand why I did it. What goes through my mind. What wentthrough my mind. I suppose it started in the early phases of my childhood.The keyword to describe it is Isolation. I've always been isolated, I've always been out of touch with the other students around me right until I got to the academy. I could never keep up. I had my family, but I was treated as a puppet. I would often watch Swara how comfortable she was when we were children from my bedroom window. She had no problems interacting with the other kids that lived around us. Swara made friends with ease. I've always had a hard time making friends. I was never encouraged to do so by my mother- Why one may ask? Because she had passed away and my Dadi was a society fearing manipulator. Even the friends I did have I was detached from. I've always been jealous of the bond Swara had with her family. Even though I loved mine I was never close enough to tell anyone my dreams, fears, aspirations. Not that I was allowed to have aspirations. Fast forward. Swara beats me at Jugalbandi and I become a national disgrace to my family. I heard about it for days, and upon days. My father never spoke up for me. He just listened to my Grandmother beat out every inch of confidence I may have had left. It seems funny now in retrospective, back then it was a nightmare. Enter Lakshya. My now Husband, then ex Fiance, then Swara's Fiance. I was engaged to him. Not by choice I never had a choice of picking a partner. However the choice of falling into undeniable infatuation with him was mine. He was the only thing I wanted. I believed I could finally get the love I deserved if I got married to him. Or so I thought. He quickly fell for Swara and this was my first realization that no matter what I do, how I act I cannot compete with my sister. Even though I got my way after dirty tricks. A part of me hated myself, but another part of me couldn't loose him. Even now it hurts to think about the fact he may somewhere deep inside still have feelings for Swara. That I was never his first choice. I'm never anyone's first choice. Even now when things have settled I live in Swara's shadow. The only time I'm not in her shadow is when I do something so damn disgusting it repeals the world. It repeals me. I hate myself for everything, I do love my sister, but a part of me will always hold a little hate for her. A unjustified hate because she never had any control of the situations that I was in. She encourages me to be myself but between all that has happened. I no longer know who I am or what I'm doing. I even feel my father more attached to Swara than ever. I have Laksh but the truth of the matter is. I've only just started falling in love with him. Before it was just infatuation. Swara has Sanskaar. They're the dream couple. Even my love life is a fail against her's. Swara has both her parents I have a wonderful step-mom but a mentally absent father. I wish I was stronger than this. I wish I could've avoided petty thoughts. I couldn't, I can't. Trust me inside my head it's been a living hell from day 1. At times I feel like I'm playing a character. That this Ragini doesn't exist. I question myself. Who is Ragini? Who do I want Ragini to be? Truth is I don't know. All I know is even in Swaragini. Swara's name comes first.
Signing off,
-Ragini Lakshya Maheshwari.
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