Standing below the shower for over an hour, drenched in longing and indignation, she let the cold water droplets trickle down her body, sending waves of current down her spine.
"O Madam! For how long will you be in there? You'll finish the entire tanker, and we'll have nothing left for the morning. Not to mention you might fall sick and I'll then have to take care of you, which I'm not very inclined to," knocked her room-mate at the Working Women's hostel.
Working women's hostel. The irony.
She had two homes in this city, three if she counted her sister's house too. Yet she was staying in this place. Like other occupants, she wasn't here because she didn't have any other place to go to, but because she wanted to be in a place where nobody knew him.
It was too drastic a step for her liking, but she was a human and allowed to give in to her moments of anger.
5 weeks, or 5 seconds? Though it was the former, it still felt like the latter as his words rang in her head, reverberating loud and clear, as he asked her to get out of his house.
"Ye mera bhi ghar hai Raman!"
"Tumhara THA!"
"THA?"
"Tha! Ye tumhara ghar THA! Rinki meri apni hai, ye ghar tumhara nahi hai ab"
"Bohot pyaar aa raha hai na khaandaan pe apne? Apni behen ko lo, chalta bano! Amma, apni beti ko le jao!"
"Bilkul sahi keh rahe hain ye, sahi keh rahe hain. Main iss ghar ki nahi hoon, ye ghar mera nai hai. Chalo yahan se"
"Der aaye, durust aaye! OUT!"
"MIHIKA CHALO YAHAN SE"
"OUT"
Try as she might, she just couldn't get that conversation out of her head. She was stuck in those 15 minutes, where he let his worse traits overcome his sense and sensibility.
The gall of that man to kick her out of her own home! Yes, it was her home, the home that belonged to her, and she belonged to which. Her home, her kitchen, her room, her family, her kids. She could have claimed all this and more, and stayed back, had it not hurt her the way it did.
Moments after declaring promising to make her happiness his priority, once again he let himself get overcome by his inexhaustible fury; and not in the privacy of their bedroom, between a husband and wife, but in front of the entire clan. His and her parents, his and her siblings.
"Has the connection between your brain and tongue broken?", he had remarked ages ago, when they were still in the process of acquainting themselves with each other. Broken, indeed, but not for her, for him.
The man has absolutely no connection between his tongue and his brain, rather his heart. He feels one thing, says another, and does a third, and never in the moment realizes when he ends up hurting the people close to him.
Shutting off the shower, she wrapped a clean fluffy towel around her slender body, and stepped out of the bathroom, shivering at the onslaught from the fan in her shared room. Mechanically, she went on to get dressed for the night, as her thoughts involuntarily went back to her husband.
Sigh.
"How much will I think about him?"
"Why shouldn't I think about him?"
5 weeks and he had not even once asked her brother-in-law about her whereabouts. Everyone in the family had tried to blackmail Bala jiju, but not him. He hadn't approached him at all, as if her presence in his home, in his life didn't matter at all.
The thought alone broke her heart.
She walked out into the balcony adjacent to her room, and looked at the street. The pani-puri vendor and the ice-cream vendor were having a row. She enjoyed watching the casual banter, until she saw a white Mercedes stopping by and placing an order, reminding her of all the times they spent in and around his white Mercedes. Picking their kids up from school, dropping her to the clinic, asking for a random kiss in the car, him sleeping on her shoulder. Nonchalant little moments, turned special in his presence, now being cherished as memories.
"Why, Raman? Why do you do this every single time?" asked her mind, stifling a silent sob.
Why, indeed? After all this time, after everything they had been through together, after everything they had come out of together, why such behavior towards her? She didn't do anything without his or the family's consent, he knew. Why then, the entire blame for Mihir & Rinki's fight fell on her already burdened shoulders? And why did he, her husband, the love of her life, so unceremoniously chucked her out of the house, without even giving a tiny's rat ass worth of attention to her feelings?
She could have stayed at her Amma's, or her Akka-Jiju's, but she chose to come here. To a bloody cheap hostel. Not filled even with basic necessities, leave aside luxuries. Wait until he gets to know of this place, he will burn it down. But when will he?
She had been tolerant of his behavior for way too long, she just wanted to lash out for once. The best way to trouble him would be to trouble herself, she knew. Hence, this dingy hole of a place. To punish him, she was punishing herself, because deep down inside, he loved her like a mad man. She knew she was the oasis in his deserted life, as was he, hers. What then made him treat her in a manner similar to that wretched ex-wife of his? Worse was feeling she knew the answers to all these questions and more.
Only she had penetrated his tough exterior, was privy to the knowledge of how he overcame all his fears, and could understand him the way even he couldn't understand himself. She knew Rinki's words reminded him of the times when he favored his ex-wife blatantly over and above his family, hurt his parents and siblings in the worst way possible, and later paid his dues. Rinki's accusation that he was now so involved in his own love life, he didn't have the time or energy to think about his family anymore, it hit him hard and opened old wounds. But she wasn't Shagun, he knew that. Was his insecurity that huge that it still shook and rattled his insides if he caught even a whiff of anything remotely similar? Or was it his ego, his big-old-Punjabi-male ego, that came in the way of everything?
Whatever it was, it would never let them stay in peace. And he would never let it go either. It's been so long without seeing him, she groaned. Does he still not realize the pain he put both of them through? He humiliated her, insulted her, and for the first time after falling in love with him, she decided to put an end to it. With every fight of theirs, she would get angry and he would cajole her until she relented. Not this time. He went a little too far with his words this time, his stupid ego battered her self-respect. She's neither going to relent, nor give up. He always creates the mess, and she sorts it out.This time though, he will need to clean it up after himself, on his own.
Even though she apprehends his state better than anyone else, even though she herself is in the same frenzy of yearning and being angry at the same time, it is time he starts unraveling her too. He does, at most times, but when it comes to his past, all his civilities are thrown out the window. He becomes so engrossed in throwing nasty stuff out the window, that he doesn't realize someone's knocking on his heart's main door.
She knew he was never in the favor of getting Rinki and Mihir married. Why then did he not speak up when this decision was being framed and supported by everyone else? And why was he being so harsh on Mihir? He, of all the people, should know how difficult it is to get over first love. Mihir had a slip of tongue in his drunken stupor, doesn't mean he'll not keep Rinki happy.
Ever since he had walked in her life, it had been a roller-coaster, she had almost fallen off which multiple times, and every time he had extended his hand, grabbed hers and pulled her back. What was it about him that enraged and engulfed her at the same time? She was so furious at him, yet longed to be near him. She did not want to see his face, yet craved his fingers on his. She would give him the silent treatment, yet pined for his jibes.
He loved her, she loved him. They had both come to this conclusion long ago, their entwined hearts and souls did not need wordly confessions. Her happiness meant the world to him, she knew. Yet he chose to unthinkingly make her unhappy. He was sensitive enough to get hurt by her college friends' remarks on their marriage, and sensible enough to assure her that the indifference will never creep in between them again. Why did he then become so insensitive to her feelings in a jiffy?
He was a mystery she thought she had solved. Apparently there was more to him that what had been disentangled yet. She was afraid the remaining chunk would always keep gnawing at their future.
She unlocked her phone's screen, to stare at one of the most beautiful moments of her life, captured at the perfect instant - Adi & Ruhi teasing him with a new pet, all three of them laughing their hearts out. An involuntary smile crept up her dull face as her fingers found his image in her list of contacts. She was about to dial-in when her room-mate yelled, "Ishita, either come in or shut the door."
She paused and reflected on her room-mate's words, before she decided to put her phone back down. To stand there, and shut the door. This will not be just another time where he yells "Dafa ho jao!" and expects her to come right back in.
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
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