Sanjay Dutt: There is no drug I haven't done

Sanjay Dutt was in Delhi recently to speak at EEMA's (Event and Entertainment Management Association) annual convention. Since he has not attended many public meetings in the recent past, after he came out of jail in February, we asked him what he was going to speak about and he said, 'Ab pata nahin, wahan joh dil se niklega woh bolunga'. The sessions were supposed to be short, not more than 15 minutes. However, when Dutt got on stage and started talking - about being booked under TADA, his jail term and drug abuse - it went on for more than an hour.

I didn't know what TADA was
Going back to 23 years ago, when he was booked under TADA, Dutt said, "I was shooting in Mauritus when my sister called and said that I was being charged for keeping rifles, and I said, 'Oh really?' Then dad called me and asked me to meet the Indian embassy officials. I went to the embassy and they said, 'Koi nahin, tum shooting finish kar ke aa jao'. But I couldn't, because I didn't know what was happening back home. When I reached Bombay airport, tab woh purana wala airport tha, I was coming down from the slide, and I saw 50,000 policemen pointing their guns at me, as if I was Osama Bin Laden."

Dutt added, "Every person in India should know the law, be it entertainment tax or Income Tax. I made a mistake by not knowing the law. I chose to come back and say that I have not made a mistake, whatever I have done wrong, please usko dekh ke joh punishment hai de do, aur maaf kar do. I thought that the police would let me go, since I was a first-time offender. I was taken to the crime branch... And then suddenly, TADA (Terrorist and Disruptive Activities Act). I swear I didn't know what TADA was. When MN Singh (the then Joint Commissioner of Police (Crime), Mumbai) came and said that I was being booked in the Mumbai blast case, I broke down. I was like, 'How can you expect me to blast my own city? Go against my country?' He said, 'I am sorry, but I have to arrest you'."

Jail mein main makkhi nikaal kar daal pi jaata tha
Talking about the first time he went to jail, he said, "When I was in prison, it was very difficult time for dad, Priya and me. She came to meet me on Rakhi and I gave her the coupons that I collected in jail." Talking about his recent stint in jail, he said, "In the Pune jail, there are flies all over, billions of flies, in your hair, in your clothes and even in your food. Main makkhi nikaal kar daal pi jaata tha, mera co-accused daal nahin peeta tha. Maine usko bola, 'Yaar, tu kab tak bhookha rahega?' Usne poocha, 'Tu makkhi wali daal kaise pi jata hai?' Toh maine bola, 'Yahan protein nahin milta hai, daal mein protein hota hai'." Later, Dutt added, "Aaj biwi ne ghar mein kaali daal phir se banayi toh main complain nahi kar sakta!"

I did not want hope when I was in jail
When asked about his survival strategy in jail, he said, "Never hope. It is the most difficult thing. Once you cut that hope, life is easy, you survive so beautifully. In jail, there is nothing but hope. But when I decided ki mujhe koi hope nahin chahiye, the journey in jail became easy and passed quickly. I learnt this - apna kaam karo, hope mat karo. I want to go across the country and speak to people about my life and share my journey. For me, life has not been beautiful. It has been like going up to Mount Everest and then falling down. But every time I climbed the peak, I reached the top (again), beech mein nahin gira. Maine jail mein Ramayan, Bhagwad Gita, Shiv Puran, Ganesh Puran, Bible, Quran Sharif aur Guru Granth Sahib padhi. I can sit and talk to any maulana or any priest and make sense. I had a small temple, samne bathroom tha tab bhi mandir tha. God is in your heart."

I told my children that I was shooting in the mountains
Dutt said that his children still don't know that he was in jail. He said, "When I was in jail, it was very difficult for me to not see my children for three years. There were moments when I really wanted to see them. My wife used to say, 'Main unko leke aati hoon'. But I told her, 'Never, unko yahan kabhi mat lana, I don't want them here'. I didn't want them to see me in torn clothes and the topi. I didn't want them to live with that image. Aaj kal ke bachche bahut smart ho gaye hain, bolte thay 'Papa ko photo wala phone lagao'. I used to speak to them twice a month. I told tell them that I was shooting in the mountains and didn't have proper connection. That's what they know even today."

I was 110kg when I went to jail because I'd been drinking like a dog
Talking about how he maintained his physique in jail, he said, "Kaun kehta hai gym nahin toh workout nahin kar sakte? Maine jail mein kiya. I was 110kg before I went to jail because I was drinking like a dog. One day, I was having a bath (in jail) and I looked at myself and thought, 'Yaar mera pet kuch zyada hi nikal gaya hai. Sanjay, kuch toh sharm kar yaar'. Then I started running in the yard, lifting huge buckets of water. I used to hit nails (sic) in the wall till my knuckles hurt and wrists swelled. But still, I used to do it every day, because I wanted to break through the pain."

Don't expect anything from friends
When the moderators of the event said that people can get their work done by saying 'Sanju baba aap meri last hope ho', because he wears his heart on his sleeve, Dutt said, "I did what my heart told me. But now that has changed. Ab main bolunga, 'Yaar pehle tu mere liye kuch kar'. So my heart is not on my sleeve anymore, it has gone to my pocket!" Talking about his friendships, he said, "Friendship for me is to have no expectation from your friend. Mujhe kuch zarurat nahin hai, kuch expectation nahin hai. Uske bure waqt mein main uske saath khada rahunga, par khushi mein shayad periphery pe hoon. To be honest, I didn't expect anything from anyone, so it doesn't hurt me. When I was in jail, I didn't expect anyone to visit my home or see me in jail. It didn't hurt when they didn't. But now, when people are coming to visit me, I love it."

There is no drug in the world that I have not done
When he was asked if he started doing drugs when his mother, Nargis, passed away, Dutt said, "It's not that I started because of mom. Mera dog mar gaya toh daaru pi raha hoon, aaj mera gadha mar gaya to daaru piyunga - these are just excuses. Substance abuse is something that you do if you want to do it. Once you get into it, it's very difficult to leave. It is the worst thing in the world. My journey with substance abuse has been about 12 years. There are no drugs in the world that I have not done. When my father took me to America (for rehab), they gave me a list (of drugs) and I ticked every drug on it, because I had taken all of them. The doctor told my dad, 'What kind of food do you eat in India? Going by the drugs he did, he should be dead by now!'"

About the process of rehab, he said, "I didn't leave drugs because of my family. I left because I wanted to be out of it. I didn't want that life. When you start the rehabilitation process, one part is physical - your body breaks down and you feel cold. But the most difficult part comes later, when your mind says, 'Ab toh tu theek ho gaya hai, ek baar maar lete hain'. That's when you have to use willpower. I want to tell youngsters, live your life, love your work, love your family, it is better than cocaine."