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I don't think Raman just feels guilty about losing their child. I think he feels guilty for a lot of things. For falling in love with Ishita in the first place. Forget everyone else, audience and other characters I mean, he himself doesn't think he deserves her. If he really could, if he could deny that he loves her, he could be divorced from her and in Singapore. In his mind Ishita and mani, and Ruhi were a perfect fit. But he couldn't. He couldn't deny how deeply he felt about her.
Therefore, Raman doesn't carry guilt for just the incident. I think ever since he came to understand his feelings for Ishita, he felt like he trapped her. He knows being with him is so difficult. She had to fight constantly to break his walls, she had to face the wrath of his enemies. She had to face his past, and the fact that Adi hated her. He knows she has had to deal with more heartache in 2 years of marriage than some face in a lifetime. And Raman feels like he has given her nothing in return. There is a reason Raman hated Mani so much for a long time. He thought Mani was right about him. And he still thought he was right about him when he held himself responsible for the bus accident.
This isn't Shagun we are talking about. Who constantly demanded something. It's Ishita, who asked for nothing. Who never asks for anything. Shagun deserved nothing, Ishita in Raman's eyes, deserves everything. Raman isn't just drowning in guilt in the current time frame, he's been carrying it around for a long time. And the bus incident, and Ishita's miscarriage, broke him.
We focused so much on Ishita not breaking down, we forgot to see Raman fall apart over the fact his wife wouldn't let him in on her feelings either. Again, he felt guilty for not being enough. We got a glimpse of this when he got drunk after an encounter with Ashok. She reassured him we can get through this. But Raman by this point knows Ishita will always stop herself from falling apart so everyone else can. And I think it leaves Raman in a lot of pain to think she won't allow herself to fall apart in front of him about this. He must be questioning why. In Ishita's attempt to move forward, to hide that this pregnancy meant so much to her, she unwittingly makes Raman question yet again whether he is good enough. What does he have to do, he must think, for her to let him in. Because Raman has let her see the most broken parts of himself. Why hasn't he been able to do the same for her?
Again, this isn't a Raman vs Ishita post. Ishita is a martyr, she gets carried away in this role, because she feels needed. As if her taking on the weight of the world protects Raman from doing so. As if he needs her to do it. So he needs her. And if he needs her, he won't leave her, like subbu. She is a classic over compensator. My point is, to feel like she was still needed, she unwittingly made Raman question for the thousandth time whether he was what she needed.
And this is where it goes incredibly wrong in my opinion. Ishita was not responsible for surrogacy. To clarify, I am not saying that. I do however think she was slightly responsible for leaving Raman so in the dark that he thought she might slowly suffocate to death if she kept everything inside. If she kept all that pain inside. He, because of this 'no communication' pattern that keeps causing trouble for them, comes to think that she has decided to harbour all of this pain. She won't break in front of those around her, most importantly him, and so he fears she will eventually, die of a broken heart. This will finally be the event that breaks the camel's back. What if she now slowly slips into a death that no one could see because she is Ishita Bhalla, the ultimate pretender. And Raman Kumar Bhalla cannot live without Ishita.
So, after his pleading for her to fall apart, and her denial to do so, he thinks he is left with no choice. If she isn't blessed with a child, if they don't see this dream come true now, after being so close, she might protest she is okay, he might avert his eyes for a second, and when he looks back, she might have died. That is what Raman thought. And he has said, the thought of this makes him crazy.
Well ladies and gentleman, welcome to Raman at not just crazy, but at the height of insanity. Her denial over surrogacy, Raman decides, is just her not getting her hopes up yet again. So he blatantly ignores it. He thinks this is an answer to all his problems. We will have a child. My wife will not waste away in her own silent misery. I will finally, finally be able to give her the one thing everyone said she could never have. I, Raman Kumar Bhalla will finally be worthy of the love of my life. And this is the point he stops thinking ahead. Consequences be damned so long as Ishita will live, and I will finally be enough for her.
This was my attempt to unravel what the hell was going through Raman's head when he did what he did. I'm ignoring the whole ridiculousness of shagun's involvement. The only thing I will say about that, is that I really don't think Shagun means very much to Raman, her 'death' taught us that. We know why shaguniya was centre stage.
Finally therefore, Raman was desperate. And when people are desperate, insanity can Insue. And so it did. Raman and Ishita are so flawed at the outset, even in the very beginning of the story as individuals. Bring in love that is so all consuming between them, to be honest, disasters were inevitable considering the drama required in this earlier slot.
Anupamaa
