IshRa OS || Lambi Judai

Lambi Judai

7 years, 2 months and 2 days. That is how long it has been. Without her. Without his life. But the funny thing is, he thought she was dead. She died and he has been mourning her death for the past 7 years. Only to find out she is alive. Tragedy mein comedy hogaya. He laughed, downing his scotch in one go. He met her and found out she is alive two days ago, at the business conference when she accompanied Abhimanyu Raghav. He should have known that she would end up with him.

Why did she lie to him? Why did she lie to everyone? Why did she pretend to be dead? Why did she leave him and their child?

He was confused. He had no inclination of anything anymore. Teaching their daughter to live, he had lost his will to live.

He couldn't fathom what would have made her leave him, leave them. What made her leave the country and live with another man. What made their love so weak she would take such a drastic step and not fight for them. Didn't anything mean anything to her ever? Did the time spent with him mean nothing to her? Did she not have faith in them that she left? Was her love for him so weak, she couldn't stay and fight the demons together with him? Was his love not enough for her?

Her heart was beating so fast. She was in the car with Mani and in just a few minutes she would meet Raman again. Raman Kumar Bhalla. Her Ravan Kumar. Her husband. The love of her life, whom she had been lying to for the past 7 years. The person who gave her everything, and snatched it away. The person who completed her, and left her undone in the next moment. The person who removed the barren title from her, and yet made her feel barren the most. The person who loved her more than anyone, and who hurt her more than anyone.

"Ishu, don't be nervous. I am here with you and as long as I am here, nothing will happen to you." Mani assured, holding her hand. He has been her strength the past few years, he has literally saved her life. She owes a lot to him. "I know, Mani. I know." She replied, smiling. Although his reassurance made her a little better, nothing and no one can prepare her for the wrath Raman Kumar Bhalla, not even Mani. His words, "Get out of my life before I kill you" still echoed in her mind. It made her shudder, it made her want to crawl into a fetal position and cry her eyes out. It made her want to disappear, to stop existing. She was trying to hold back the tears that were begging to come out. She couldn't. she couldn't break down. Not now. Not when in a few minutes she would meet Raman because if she cried now, there was nothing that would stop her from breaking down in front of him. She couldn't open the door to let her tears out, because they may never close again.

She knew. She knew that she was not strong enough. She knew she has perfected the art of pretense, that she herself is confused about her feelings sometimes. She had made a fool out of everyone. Telling everyone that she is fine, that after seven years, it has healed. But has it? She knew. She knew the truth. That it still hurts like it did that day, maybe hurts even more. His words still echo in her mind every single day. Sometimes she wonders if she made a mistake. If, instead of trying to commit suicide, she should've stayed back and fought. Fought for her right, fought for her respect, fought for her daughter, fought for the daughter that died, fought for her own sanity. And then sometimes she wonders if it would've just been easier if she had just died. If Mani hadn't saved her. She hates him. Loathes him would be a better word. But she can't. she can't because he risked his own life to save her. Sometimes she wonders if it would be easy if she had fallen in love with Mani. He is perfect. He makes her laugh, calms her down, he is respectful, he thinks she is the best mother and he genuinely believes she is. He literally gave his life to save hers. Loving Mani would have been so much easier. But Mani is not Raman.

Loving Raman is like digging her own grave. It's so dangerous but yet so beautiful. He makes her feel alive, he keeps her at the edge every single time. He makes her breathe every single day. With Mani it would be monotonous and that is something she doesn't want. She wants a love that consumes her, that makes her crazy, that drives her beyond insane, that makes her want to die yet makes her feel the most alive. A love that is so palpable, it makes her hard to breathe due to the sheer magnitude of it. She wants Raman. She wanted Raman, and still does. But he is not someone she can have. Not now, not before, not ever.

Mani held her hand again. "Ishu, we're here. Let's go."

She entered the ballroom and surprisingly the first person she spotted was Raman. He was by the bar, drinking. She was not surprised. Mani squeezed her hand a little because he knew. And she again wondered, if she could love him. He knows her so well. Then she looked at Raman and she got her answer because her heart started beating so fast, that even though the room is loud, people could still hear it. One look at him and she knew she could never love any other man. No one would make her feel the way she is feeling right at this moment looking at him. All these years, she had been surviving on the memories they had created together.

Mani wanted her to go with him to meet some of his colleagues but she had to meet someone else. Someone who she was sure is as eager to meet her as she is to meet him. With a heavy breath, she walked towards him. She halted a few inches away from him, contemplating if this is a good idea. If this is what she wants. If she should turn around and just walk away. She thought of all the reason why this was a terrible idea, and why nothing good could come from this. She had left behind her old life. She is a different person now, she started a new life with new people, she doesn't need this. As she thought about it, she heard his voice.

"I was waiting for you," he said, as he turned around to face her. He had sensed her before he even saw her and he looked younger than ever. He looked like the same angry Ravan Kumar that she fell in love with. "Were you thinking about turning around and leaving without saying hello." She glanced at him. A few minutes ago, she thought about how Mani was perfect for her because of how much he knew her, even her thoughts. But she had never forgotten how much Raman knew her too, even her thoughts, though, she had pegged him to have forgotten how to read her mind.

"Raman, how are you?" she asked, occupying the empty chair next to him.

He laughed sarcastically. "Never been better, Madrassan. And I see I can say the same for you," he said, pointing at Mani. He is drunk, she realised. All the more reasons as to why this was a very bad idea. Every fiber of her being was screaming at her to escape, this could only be destructive. But she couldn't. She dug her own grave and now she is lying in it.

As he was about to down another drink, she stopped it midway. "Raman, bas hogaya. Ab aur nahi." He chucked her hand and proceeded to finish it.

"Those days have gone when you had the right to dictate me on my drinking habits. Those days have long gone," he said, as he held her hand and subtly dragged her away from the people and any prying eyes. She let him because she knew this was inevitable, she cannot run now. She had run enough. He took her to an empty hallway at the end of the ballroom, where it was silent and the chirping of the guests could not be heard and pushed her against the wall. He looked at her top to bottom, taking his own time studying her. She was wearing a red and black lace saree and looking exquisite. Red and black was his favourite colour on her. After studying her, he looked at her eyes and gave an approving nod. "You still know how to pull my buttons, don't you?" he said, coming close to her face. He had to control himself and not touch her because before he could touch her, he needed answers. He needed to know why. Why she had done all this.

He moved away from her and punched the wall next to her, missing her face by a few inches. She gasped. She knew he was drunk but she wasn't really afraid because she knows he can never be too drunk to ever harm her. He moved back towards her and tried touching her face, to see if she was real. If she was really alive. If she was really his Jhansi Ki Rani, because one touch was all that was needed for him. One touch and he could tell. But he couldn't. he couldn't touch her yet, not because of Mani, not because she was with Mani because that didn't matter. She is and will always be his, and he can touch her any damn time he wants. No other man can stop him from doing so.

Instead, he looked right into her eyes, sending shivers down her spine. It was making her hard to breathe, the way he looked at her. With so much hatred, longing, confusion and plain love. "Why?" he asked. The question was simple. He merely wanted to know why she had done what she had. Why she faked her death. Why she left him and their daughter. Why she moved away to another country to be with another man. Why she betrayed him. Why she didn't fight for them. Why she didn't love him enough to stay.

She had to look away because it was too painful for her. She couldn't bear the way he was looking at her at this moment, couldn't bear to see all the different emotions that held in her the way he was looking at her in this moment. But he didn't have it. He needed to look right into her eyes because her eyes spoke more words than her mouth could ever. And he needed her to see what he felt and what he had been feeling in the past seven years. He held her chin and made her look into his eyes.

"Why?!" he yelled this time, not having had received an answer from her. She gasped again. "I...I...Raman." she started but couldn't go beyond it. She needed to compose herself. She was so close to crying and she couldn't let that happen. She couldn't show him that she was weak. She pushed him away because he was getting too close to her and she could feel his breath on her face.

From faraway, he could hear a song play and he knew this song perfectly defined them right at this moment. He took her hand and walked towards to the ballroom dance floor. This time she had to protest because there were too many people who could see them. There was Mani. Raman was drunk and she knew it was likely he would create a scene. "Raman, no. Please. No." But he wasn't having any of it. He ignored her and kept walking.

Char dino ka pyaar o rabba
Lambi judai lambi judai

He circled both his hands around her waist, while she wrapped her hands around his neck and he pulled her against him, so close they could feel each other's breaths and swayed away slowly to the music, intently gazing at each other.

Tere bin dil mera lage kahin na
Tere bin jaan mere jaye kahin na
Kitne zamane baad o rabba
Yaad tu aaya, yaad tu aaya

He needed answers tonight, because he might never see her again. "Ishita for god's sake, tell me why."

"Raman, you told me to get out your life. Raman, I killed our daughter." Her voice started to breakdown while he listened to her intently. "Our daughter...our Ruhi died because of me, Raman. I couldn't...can't forgive myself for it ever. You blamed me for Ruhi's death and rightfully so. I killed her, and I have been living with that for the past seven years." She paused.

"Why did you fake your death? Why did you leave?"

"I did not fake my death. After you told me what a horrible mother I am, what a disgrace to motherhood I am. After you told me I killed our daughter, that I have no place in your life. Raman, I lost everything. I had no reason to live. I wanted to die. I tried killing myself and that's when Mani saved me risking his own life. He couldn't walk because of me, I thought I owed it to him to help him out."

Khoye rahi mein, saason mein apne
Aahat bhi teri, bhool gaye hun
Sadiyoon se kitni tanha rahi hun
Ishq tera bhool gayi hun

"And what about me? You didn't think you owed it to be to stay and fight? You didn't think you owed it to our daughter to stay for her? Ishita she thinks her mother is dead! Everything thinks you're dead! Didn't you even think about your parents? Not only did you lose your daughter, your parents lost their daughter too! Didn't you even for once think about me? Ishita, I lost Ruhi and the last thing I needed was to lose you too. Time and time again I have told you how you are my strength, you're the pillar that holds me together. You're the air that I breathe. And yet, you left. Ishita you left me. You left me dying in the pit of my own self destruction. Ishita, I thought you loved me."

Har bebasi mein, is zindagi mein
Tujh ko hi chaha, tujh ko hi manga
Jin raston se guzra yeh dil tha
Manzil mili na pyaar na paya

Khud ko chupake rahon se guzri
Dil ko sambhle dil ko sambhle

"Raman, after all the venomous things you uttered to me, how could I have stayed back? You told me to get out of your life or you will kill me. Did you expect me to stay? I had never seen you that angry before and I honestly thought at the time you will actually kill me. I lost my child, Raman. I didn't want to live. I didn't want to do anything. If I stayed back, I would die every single second remembering her. I was not strong enough to stay and fight. I was not strong enough to stay and together deal with this. I wanted to escape, to run, to disappear. To go to a place where no one knows me. No one knows what I have done. I couldn't stay back and look at your face, look at the way you look at me, with so much hatred. I would've died a thousand deaths every time you looked at me, Raman. I was not strong enough to handle it."

Tere bin dil mera lage kahin na
Tere bin jaan meri jaye kahin na
Kitne zamane baad o rabba
Yaad tu aaya, yaad tu aaya

"And you think I was strong? Ishita at least you escaped. I had to stay back and take care of our daughter, who by the way, looks exactly like Ruhi. Do you know what it was like to see her every day and be reminded of the two most important people I lost? Ishita, how many times have I uttered venomous things to you? You of all people should know whatever I say in anger, I don't mean it. I never meant anything I said that day. Ishita, I lost my child too, and instead of being my strength and my support and dealing with the loss together, you fled. You left our child alone with me and you fled. You didn't want to die a thousand deaths every day but I have. I have been dying a thousand deaths every day. I never mean anything I say except when I tell you how much I love you. You broke me, Ishita. You ruined me. You left me by myself in a pile of ruin and you ran away, when I needed you the most."

The song ended and this time, instead of him dragging her, she dragged him back to the empty hallway. Why? She didn't know. Or maybe she was so close to breaking down, she didn't want anyone to witness it.

She left his hand and started pacing back and forth breathing in and out. "Ishita, what are you doing? Are you having a panic attack?" she ignored and continued doing what she was. Why? She didn't know.

"Ishita stop! You're scaring me." She didn't stop. "Ishita." And when she didn't stop the third time, he held her and pinned her against the wall, stopping her. Again, he was so close to her face, she could feel his breath that sent shivers down her spine. He was looking right into her eyes, that she looked away. "Goddammit Ishita, look at me when I talk to you." This time he didn't make her look at him because his hands were occupied in hold her against the wall.

"Raman." She paused and took a deep breath. "Raman, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I was selfish and all I could think about was myself and the hurt I was feeling. I should've stayed and fought for us. I shouldn't have left you alone with our child, left you alone to face it by yourself. I should've been there when you needed me the most. But you were not man enough to stop me, either." She cried. She couldn't hold it back anymore. She was hurting. For herself, for him, for Ruhi and for the love they lost.

He didn't hesitate at all and kissed her. Something he had been wanting to do since her saw her two days ago. Then he stopped, tasting the sheer love palpable in the touch of her lips. It's still there, he could feel it, and he has never been more sure about anything else in his entire life. He pulled apart, finally caressing her cheek and smile. "No matter what. No matter how much you hurt me, no matter how many years it has been, no matter the hell you out me through, I can't help but surrender myself to you."

"And I you." She smiled, caressing his hair.

And they hugged, clinging onto dear life. They were each other's lifeline, and though they have been apart for so many years, memories and thoughts of each other have kept them breathing and surviving over the years in the hope that one day they would be able to breathe into each other again.

The End.