Chapter 30
Keeping an arm around pragya to support her, shalini walked in the house along with her and scanned the entire hall area for her husband. laxmi who was mopping the floor, smiled at pragya before asking her," how's everything ?"
pragya gave out a weak smile and replied that she was doing fine however shalini's eyes were still searching for him, he didn't even come to the hospital at the time pragya was getting discharged, where was he? She wondered then asked the housekeeper," where's abhi?"
The same question was running in pragya's mind as well but she didn't dare to raise it neither did she attempt to look around for him, she knew she still couldn't meet his intense gaze especially after behaving so rudely with him last night, he must be hurt and mad at her. laxmi continued with her task and replied casually by shrugging her shoulders," late at night he left."
Shalini's creased brows ironed out in surprise while pragya's eyes shot up, what he had gone back to ratnagiri, without...seeing her? He had taken her words so seriously, had she been so harsh to him? Yeah, she couldn't have been more ruthless to him, her heart answered with disappointment.
Shalini immediately took out her cell phone to inquire as to what was the need for him to leave and that too late in the night without informing her. pragya's grim eyes roamed around the house, his dining chair was vacant and would remain so now for how long, she didn't know, even the couch where he slept on would remain unoccupied, suddenly the whole house seemed so empty without him. In these few days he had managed to leave a mark on every single thing that he touched and used. Everything reminded her of him.
" yeah , abhi.." she heard shalini talking to him, something tugged her heart, she lowered her gaze then went to her room to rest without saying anything.
Leaning her head against the head board she wrapped her arms around her belly and closed her eyes, images of his eyes filled with love and then replaced with hurt flashed across her mind. This wouldn't be easy for her. She felt a hand on her shoulder and found laxmi standing with a bowl of porridge for her, she took it silently, stared at the bowl for a moment, she was losing her appetite and peace of mind because of all this but then the words of the doctor rung in her ears, for her own heart break she couldn't let her child suffer. All this was affecting the life growing inside her and she couldn't dare play with it. She had to be strong and push these things away, for its sake. Picking up the spoon, laxmi saw her eating slowly, she still looked hassled for some unknown reason but at least she was not neglecting her health. laxmi left the room as shalini came in after having a word with him, apparently he didn't tell her why he left abruptly, just informed that he'd reached back safely.
pragya was lost in her thoughts when shalini came in with two huge shopping bags. She began showing pragya all that they had shopped yesterday for the baby. Seeing the cute little things bought for the baby, drifted her mind slightly and her eyes warmed up. She picked up a small pair of clothes and gazed at them with affection, there were mixed feelings in her heart, a part of her was happy that her child would be showered with so much of love but then another part of her was broken that she wouldn't be the one doing that. A sense of losing something really priceless penetrated within her. She caressed the soft fabric with her fingers when shalini told her that these clothes were selected by him. Her fingers stilled and she smiled inwardly, their choices were so similar...they both wished for simple things in life. But these very simple things were hard to attain. She let out an exasperated sigh and dropped what she was holding.
Shalini was somewhat relieved to see her a bit relaxed maybe talking about the baby would make her feel better. Therefore she continued to show her what more they'd purchased. She also went on to add that they had selected a very nice wooded crib for the baby. A fleeting smile spread across pragya's lips as she imagined a baby sleeping soundly in a crib. However once again she felt engulfed in sorrow when shalini stated that Abhi had found the crib to be weak and ordered for a new one. A mere mention of him in any way was enough to make her heart sink. He cared immensely for this baby and his concern touched the shattered pieces of her heart.
She dropped her tired lashes as the corners of her eyes started turning damp and she said," di, I'm feeling tired. I think I'll take a quick nap." Shalini nodded her head, packed up all the things and left the room for her to rest. It was important she didn't stress herself.
pragya placed the empty bowl on the side table, stretched her legs and pulled the blanket on herself after laying down straight on her back. Her mind was restless with his thoughts, thinking what he must be going through, how badly she had behaved with him. She hated herself and wouldn't ever forgive herself. She tucked the blanket under chin and forced herself to stop thinking and sleep. There was complete silence in the room and she could only hear the sound of the clock ticking close to her ear. She concentrated hard to sleep but all her efforts went down the drain when her cell phone started ringing.
Opening her eyes she thought from where the sound was coming, where had she kept her cell phone? She moved her arms on the bed it wasn't there then her hand slipped under the pillow next to her and she caught hold of the cell phone. She glanced at it, who else other than he would call her? once again her eyes glistened seeing sahab' flash across the screen.
This was the only mean to connect with him. The phone kept on ringing and her thumb circled around the red and green buttons. He must be worried for her but then shalini must have told him about her, she contemplated a lot then shutting her eyes she pressed the red button and disconnected the call.
He wrinkled his brows in confusion, she didn't take his call, why? Was everything alright or was she still in pain? Even though his wife had informed that pragya was doing fine still for his own sake he wanted to confirm it by talking to her. Maybe she was taking rest therefore didn't speak to him. Before leaving the hospital he had found her sleeping peacefully, she didn't want him to be by her side. It hurt him but he didn't argue, he didn't wish her to go through more stress because of him, so after speaking to the doctor about her, he left the hospital and Mahabaleshawar.
His phone vibrated in his hand, he glanced at it hurriedly, maybe she had called back but no, the project manager was on the other side. He was supposed to attend an important meeting at the site. Reluctantly he left home to attend the meeting, he would call her back in the evening.
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Unwillingly her eyes drifted to the dining hall outside her room, it was still empty like it was when she had come back and to make it worse it would always remain like that, a sense of hollowness gripped her, she immediately turned her gaze. laxmi came forward to serve him curry and chapatti, she was about to place some mango chutney on her plate when she stopped her and said," I don't want it." laxmi furrowed her brows in confusion, she loved it then why wasn't she having it.
" why?"
" I don't like it anymore ." pragya answered through lowered lashes. Perhaps the chutney was no longer fresh and that's why she didn't intend to have it. No problem, this time too he had brought a big box of mangoes, she would make fresh chutney for her.
" fine for dinner I'll make you some fresh chutney ."
pragya pursed her lips in irritation,"mausi, why aren't you understanding that I Don't want to have anymore mangoes or mango chutney." She didn't want to have anything that reminded her of him.
laxmi made a face," now what am I supposed do with so many mangoes occupying the fridge?"
This whole unnecessary conversation was now irking pragya and she replied in frustration," eat them or throw them but don't ask me again ... please."
laxmi was about to say something when pragya's cell phone started ringing. She looked at it from the corner of her eye and saw his name flashing, she ignored it and continued to have her meal. The phone was ringing nonstop. At last laxmi picked it up and extended her hand to give it to pragya, who shook her head and said," later ..i'm eating right now"
Now this was even more surprising for laxmi, she was declining to take his call just because she was having food. If she remembered clearly then she was the same pragya who would leave everything that she was doing, only to talk to him.
" it's your sahab.." laxmi reminded her.
pragya let out a defeated sigh, there was no point in arguing with her and even he wasn't willing to stop calling her. She had to take this call! But not in front of her.
" mausi , please get me water ." laxmi nodded her head and went to fetch a glass of water for her. pragya gathered all her courage and finally pressed the green button. She didn't need to bring the phone close to her ear, he was already shouting from the other end.
" why aren't you taking my calls , dammit ?" he was hell worried about her. She knew off late she had been getting on to his nerves but she also knew that if she tried to justify her actions, she would go weak before him, the walls that she'd built around herself to keep him away would crumble down like a pack of cards. She gulped and parted her lips to speak," I'm absolutely fine ..there's no pain so don't worry ." Unlike him she was totally calm and composed, the fact that she was sounding well, relieved him considerably and his anger dropped slightly.
However the situation didn't remain the same when she spoke again and told him before disconnecting the call," di knows about my health better than me therefore in future call her instead ."
He gritted his teeth and dialed again, what did she mean by that henceforth he should call shalini and not her to know about her? how could she snap all ties with him in a second? He had every bloody right to call her whenever he felt like and she couldn't dare stop him.
Today she had annoyed him considerably, he was worried for her and cared for the baby and her but she was cruel to him. He didn't deserve this, she knew that but he didn't deserve her as well. Tears stung her eyes seeing him call again and she was simply loathing herself to the core. Even the baby breathing inside her was kicking her hard for infuriating its father.
pragya was deep in thought when laxmi came back with the glass of water. She kept it on the table and picked up the phone that was ringing.
" take it." laxmi said.
pragya lifted her lashes, tears were threatening to roll down any moment, she clutched the cell phone in her hand, glanced it for a second before throwing it on the floor. It broke into pieces and then there was complete silence in the room.
laxmi covered her mouth in shock while shalini came running to the room on listening the crashing sound. The cell phone was shattered in to pieces.
" what's this?" shalini asked in surprise.
pragya blinked her tears and replied dryly," it was fragile ..not strong enough ...hence shattered ."
Shalini shook her head and said," never mind ..i'll buy you a new one."
pragya immediately nodded a no, she didn't want a new one," no need . I'm fine without one." Her face was plain and expressionless but shalini was clever enough to make out that things were definitely not normal between him and her. In these few days she had felt an undercurrent of tension in their relationship, especially from pragya's side , she was sidelining herself from him.
Shalini rolled her eyes and went out, there was a time when she wished her husband was cordial with pragya so that it would be easy for him to accept the child that she was caring. But now things were different, he loved and cared tremendously for the baby and that's what she wanted all along. Her eyes sparkled and she held her head high...she was pleased the way things were turning up and that too on their own.
laxmi ran her hand through pragya's hair, she could sense what she was going through. pragya looked up to her then without thinking twice she flung her arms around laxmi' waist and buried her head in her stomach. She could no more control her inner turmoil and burst out crying. laxmi was extremely sad to see her like this and pressed her shoulders that were shaking due to her sobs. Her worst fears came true, this was the day she was dreading for long.
" mausi ..you were right ." pragya said in between her sobs, today she had stumbled and broken her heart into countless pieces...
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He moved the phone away from his ear and glared at it, how dare she cut his call! He flared his nostrils and clenched his jaws, what on earth did this woman want from him? He left her, came back to MM, wasn't around her to show her his face, what more did she want?
Anger was coursing through his veins, he stripped himself off his shirt and threw it on the couch then began punching the sand bag as hard as he could. Venting out all his fury on that lifeless bag which was now loose with its seams frayed. His eyes narrowed and brows drawn close, as he tried to regulate his ragged breathing. Then with the precision that could only come from years of training he exhaled as his fist connected with his bag. How could she be rude to him? What wrong had he done to her that she was treating him like that?
Drops of sweat formed on his forehead and upper lip. His fists were aching with every assault but he didn't stop, he didn't want to stop. Until now he had tried to please everyone around him, be his mother, his wife and ...her. He lead his life according their wishes, assuming that his happiness lied in theirs. He married the girl his mother wanted to, slept with another woman to give his wife a child, if that wasn't enough he even tried to look at the world through her doe eyes...yet today he was far from happy.
In order to please others he always ended up hurting himself and today the pain was unbearable because it came from the same person who nursed his wounds, the same person who taught him to live again was hell bent on sucking life out of him, the same person with whom he'd fallen in love was now mercilessly breaking his heart.
He circled the bag, kept himself on his toes and without pausing to take a breather continued to assault the bag. The force of the strike ricocheted up his arm vibrating within the muscles of his forearm and upper arm. The blows became forceful each time. He was now soaked in sweat, still the fire within him was blazing. He had done all that she'd expected from him, she wanted him out of her sight and be left alone, he had done that, giving her the much desired space. Even though it pained him to do so still he did it for her sake. Deep down he knew that all this was hurting her as well and that angered him even more. Why the hell was she torturing herself? If tormenting him pleased her then he was ready to bear all the pain inflicted on him. But the sad part was that, in reality the situation was exactly the opposite. He was not the one suffering alone, she was there with him, suffering even more than him. And that was something he couldn't tolerate. At the moment he didn't want to know why she was punishing him but he definitely wanted to know why along with him, she was punishing herself? She owed him an explanation!
He stormed inside the bathroom to have a cold shower, he needed to calm his nerves. The cold water cascaded down his sweaty heated body and he closed his eyes to sooth himself. Images of the wonderful time that they spent together flashed before him and involuntarily a smile tugged the corners of his lips...those moments were beautiful but they didn't last long and then her bitter words that there was absolutely nothing between them reverberated in his ears along with the picture of her crying in pain rushed in his mind. He curled his fingers in a fist and slammed them against the tiles. Was he really unreasonable with her? was he overreacting? Was his anger not justified? He opened his eyes, ran his fingers through his wet hair and wondered, did they really share nothing between themselves?
He was damn sure that she loved him, in fact more than he loved her, he also knew that one day she would leave him and go away but he didn't want to think about the future, he wanted to live in his present. He didn't wish to think how is life would end up once she would not be there. By worrying about the future that was still a mystery he didn't want to ruin what was in his hands today. Was he wrong by thinking like that?
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He slipped into his night suit and walked down the hall to the bar. Perching on the stool he picked up a whiskey bottle and made himself a drink. He badly needed to have one, in fact more than one. He stared at the filled glass and then his eyes travelled around. There was a time when she used to come and stop him from drinking , she could never see him drowning himself in misery. And when she went away then her perfect timing of calling him up when he would think of having a drink would prevent him from doing so. He resorted to drinking in order to forget his current situation and escape from facing the reality. And that she never wanted! But today there was no stopping, neither she was there herself to intervene nor there were her calls. He brought the glass to his mouth and finished it in a long swallow. He made himself another drink and glanced at his cell phone kept on the counter that was silent...just like her.
Tonight he didn't have to close his eyes to remember her, his heart and mind were full of her thoughts. Everywhere he looked around he could feel her presence, the pillar where she hid behind and watched him secretly, the kitchen where she heated food for him, the chair where she sat not only to share meals with him but also to eat his head and annoy him. This place was full of her and so was his...life, bringing a helpless smile on his lips. The time that they spent in Mahabaleshwar was too precious to be forgotten. Yet she claimed that it was nothing! How was he supposed to convince his heart when even his mind couldn't bring itself to contradict all this.
He rubbed his temples and thought hard why life was so harsh to him? Why happiness eluded him? After so many years he had finally found love, then why this sudden blow? Was he destined to remain alone and unhappy? He agreed that their relationship was complicated still it managed to simplify his life. Physical distance between them bothered but not that much as most of the time they were always physically away however they still remain connected but now slowly she was attempting to distance him even mentally and emotionally. He didn't know why this distance was beginning to crop up between them.
He took out their picture that they had clicked few days back from his wallet. She forgot to take it from him and he was glad that it was still there with him. He caressed it with his slender fingers, life seemed so perfect in this picture but it was not reality, reality was completely different and it twisted his heart. He gulped the entire content of the glass one more time, closed his eyes as the warm liquor moved through his throat and wondered how wonderful it would be if he could similarly drink down this unwanted solitude as well.
Back in Mahabaleshwar she opened her cupboard to keep her ironed clothes when her gaze fell on his coat that he had covered her with when she'd felt cold. Tears pooled in her eyes on recalling those moments. She held the coat in her hands and buried her face into it as tears shamelessly ran down her cheeks. The coat had his warmth. Something that she deeply craved for but couldn't afford to have. Life was meaningless and empty without him. He and the baby were the reasons for her to live and in some time these reasons would leave her side and she would be left with nothing in her hands. The thought killed her! Like him she too led a lonely life but today this loneliness was gripping and stifling her breath.
Maybe deep down she knew that this loneliness was here to stay as the distance between them would not eliminate.
Thanks for reading
Rose
Anupamaa
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