MaNan SS||*New Life with Shrink*||Chap 14:pg 85(22-04) - Page 15

awesome update ..so much mystery to be revealed

Hey guys how are you all. well i have selected a name "New Life With a Shrink". Kaisa laga tell me ok. And Ananya thank you so much for your suggestion i selected your chaos and calm but it felt incomplete so i have to go with other option and misha di too suggested so many names. So i thank both of you Wholeheartedly.

Chapter 4

Various relationship

Writing to suvi, has discovered a new talent or you can say a new craziness in me - that is writing. I felt a kind of relief and satisfaction after pouring my heart out to her. It has also helped in keeping HIS memory alive in me. Though we aren't together but I can still live with HIS memories. I couldn't write to anybody else neither to vaibhav as I have never mentioned about HIM in my letters to vaibhav when HE was with me. I toyed with the idea of telling vaibhav everything from the scratch. Then when I analyzed my idea, I felt vaibhav would never understand. So I wrote to vaibhav about everything and anything except HIM. I told him about my course, my college, my life in Mumbai, my academic performance. I also mentioned him about my color coded technique to him and also advised him to use the same. I told him about our professor - MM too. I even said him how I set the question paper and top the class. I also mentioned how I expected a centum and got ONLY 98. What I skipped was about my dance on the parapet during the party and also the painting fiasco. Somehow I didn't wanted vaibhav to know all that as I myself still was unsure of how come I did such acts.

When I finished the letter, I was again shocked to see the length of 16 pages. But I thought that it would be a great surprise to him. I decorated the letter with left over stickers of smileys, hearts and many more. I wrote address on it and kept in my bag to mail it on my way to college.

I was filled with a strange kind of urgency. Everything that I was doing had an impelling sense of having to be done immediately. I had that urge to do everything at that very moment. It was like "Now and only now". I have removed the "never" part from it.

I felt myself a reservoir of energy. I would jog early morning, go to college, study hard, sometimes I don't even sleep. Yet I never felt tired, never had I felt to rest a bit. It was like I have become a machine who can work endlessly.

I would have endless number of sleepless nights. Thoughts would run in my head like a colony of busy ants, pacing everywhere in my head. I felt a strong urge to capture every thought. I always wanted to devour all the thoughts that cross my mind. I decided to make a book only of all these thoughts. I started writing poems of the thoughts that came in my mind. Words just flow like a smooth waterfall from my mind direct to the page of that book. I wrote pages after pages full of poetry and on the left hand side I would draw pictures or scenarios to go with it. I would write about ordinary things, I would write about fantasy, about love and longing, about angst, about smell and sounds, I would write about the rains in Mumbai - inshort I would write about anything and everything that caught my fancy. I would use clever puns and rhymes. Sometimes the poem wouldn't rhyme but I fulfilled my wish to convey the thought. I was carried that book with me and whenever I felt like I would write my heart out.

It was rainy season almost romantic weather and we had MM's lecture. Totally opposite. Sigh! I asked everyone to bunk the class and go for a movie but they denied. Only joseph was the one who was silent all the while. I wonder why. I was a little angry on all as they denied me. When all of a sudden joseph said

"I am with you nandini lets go to a beach as it would be great in this weather"

Well he had a point. I again asked everyone to join us but no one was ready. Finally we both decided to go to juhu beach as I haven't been there. Firstly He was shocked but then took me to JUHU BEACH.

In the cab, I sat in silence looking at Bombay in the rains. It was mesmerizing. The monsoons lent everything a freshly washed look. A sense of longing and sadness washed over me. I was going fish out my notebook but then sensed joseph by my side so I mentally began scribbling a poem. It was about nature weeping.

May be he sensed me lost. He kept his left hand over my right hand which was resting on the seat of the cab. I made no attempt to move my hand away. We sat in silence, looking out. Then he held it and I turned towards him. He looked directly into my eyes. He raised my hand and kissed it. In that moment, for a fraction of a second, I saw HIM instead of Joseph. Then the image was gone. I was filled with a longing and desperation of such intensity that I had never experienced before. My heart ached. My whole body ached. I could not stop tears from rolling down my cheeks.

Joseph was startled, "hey Nands, I am sorry! I kissed your hand. I don't know what came over me. Sorry, sorry Nands."

"No, you idiot. It's not that," I said and I leaned towards him and kissed him on the lips, my tear soaked face, crushed against his. His stubble felt rough against my cheeks and I could smell his perfume which was a woody smell that I instantly liked. I was kissing joseph for HIM, I was kissing joseph as a repentance for never having admitted to HIM that HE did matter to me, I was kissing joseph because I could never kiss HIM and I was hoping to fill that void that had been gnawing at my heart which I had managed to push aside every time. I felt no love for joseph.

Joseph was abashed. But he looked very pleased too and suddenly very shy.

We sat in silence looking out of the cab. I nudged him when I saw the ocean. The skies were a turbulent grey and the sea danced in wild abandon. We made our way in the drizzle, to a restaurant that faced the beach. It was isolated at this hour, the weather contributing to it.

"Nandini, I am sure you have heard it many times before, but I must tell you this, you are really beautiful," said Joseph.

"Thanks Jo," I said as I saw HIM in Joseph again.

We spoke for a very long time sipping tea. He asked me about mine. Somehow I did not want to tell Joseph about Cochin or about HIM. HE was like a precious secret that I was hugging to my chest.

"I love you, Nandini," said Joseph finally.

I heard HIS grandfather's voice in my head and I heard his nerve wracking sobs. The recollection of that sound still singed my soul. The guilt again felt in me as I recollected an elderly person crying infront of me helplessly. Words were:

"never belittling love"

. I was silent for a while.

Then I said, "I love you Joseph."

But I did not mean it at all. I felt no love towards him. He was a nice guy, a great guy, a charming guy. He was a guy a girl can die for but he was not for me. There was no way I was going to tell him that.

Later, I sat thinking in my room for a very long time. Thoughts spilled out, like an overstuffed sack of rice that had been punctured and the grains now scattered in all directions.

I loathed myself for lying to Joseph. I loathed myself for not having admitted the truth to HIM . And I loathed myself for not being able to tell the whole truth to Vaibhav. I despised myself for getting involved with three different men. I looked at my face in the mirror. I hated it. I felt if I was ugly then they would not have told me I was beautiful and pretty. May be if I was not good in academics then they wouldn't wondered around me. May be if I didn't had this perfect curves then they wouldn't think to come near me. May be if I wear all behenji type dress then they would not look at me. Maybe I could mutilate my face too. I hated it so much now. All these "May be If" kept running in my mind like a racing bike.

That night too I did not sleep. I kept pacing up and down in my room. Vaibhav, HIM and Joseph"their faces kept going round and round. What kind of a girl was I? How could I kiss Joseph like that? And how could I lie to him saying that I loved him? I toyed three men. The thoughts kept going round and round like a whirlwind. They were spiraling wildly. There were various images coming into my head now and gamboling around the thoughts in perfect crescendo.. I felt a lot like the wh**e. Only difference between them and me was they were paid and I received in the form of emotions. I felt very cheap. I started questioning myself that how can I play with 3 men's emotions. It is always the other way around. I mean boys use to play with girl but here I? how can I stoop so low. I shut my eyes, trying to block my thoughts out. They would not go away

To be continued...

Manik's pov raate me pakka. i have to go to college.😭

Bye

Have a thrilling thrusday..

Enjoy

hey..

Hi,

Umm..di..okayhe!!
Main kya bolu..I have nothing to say!
Kya hogaya hai Nandini ko. 😕
I have never ever read such a story or even closer to this sought.
👏

Okay she was hallucinating about him.But she said Joseph.
And then she was up and about thinking about it and repenting.
Ab ye mystery handle nai hoti di..
Boli dyo have aagad nu pls 😆
Thanks for the PM.
Continue soon...waiting eagerly 😃

Ohkk...wt do I sae...su kau...?

thanks thanks a lot for updating.
l am eagerly waiting for ur update.
superb
nice update.

u amazing penned nandini's emotional state.
she always miss him ,feel him but could not accept it.
void of his presence is always hurt her but she always ignore it.
she always search or hold an options to ignore or avoid the loneliness of her heart for him.
day by day by doing this she is going to be more
crazy more mechanic.
l feel very sad for her.

kya kaha night Manik's POV
wow l can't wait.
plz plz update ASAP.
eagerly waiting for ur update.

thanks for pm .

awesome update
wnt to Noe mor abt nandini suspens is killin me
thx for pm
do update soon

...

was waiting for the update and here it it