~ CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE ~
"Chikku..." Khushi had tears of pain, guilt and disbelief flooding in her eyes as she knelt down beside the lifeless body of her canine friend huddled beside a parked car.
A man in his late forties came up from behind her and paused. "She waited for you all night and kept crossing the street to check if you were coming," he said with sympathy on his face. "But some car came and hit her down. I'm sorry..."
Khushi's nostrils flared as she struggled not to break down into a sobbing fit. She gently stroked the dog's cold body as she sat there and grieved over her loss. Chikku the street dog had been one of her secret pleasures for a very long time. Thanks to which, she never felt bored or longed to go on a holiday like others did. Because of Chikku, Khushi never felt empty. But now, thanks to her absence, her friend is dead and she could neither forgive herself nor... Arnav.
Arnav rolled up the windows as he sat in his car and watched Khushi cradle the dog in her arms and walk down the pavement. As she disappeared around the corner, he cautiously stepped out and walked towards the spot where Khushi was before. Curious to know what the scene was about, he casually entered a shop and bought a cola. "What was that all about?" he asked the shopkeeper who was none other than the middle-aged man who had approached Khushi before.
"Poor girl," replied the man sadly. "She is so heart broken. She really loved that dog."
"Oh..." said Arnav as he took a sip from the bottle. Though he pretended to look bored about it, somewhere deep down he was stinging with guilt. "That's sad," he added quietly. Is this why she was hurrying to get back? Because she knew that it would be waiting for her? Oh no...
"It is," replied the man. "Even I sort of liked that dog. It always used to be around. And it was around just because she was. The girl... she has a heart of gold. So much love and compassion towards a mute creature. And to all. If only everyone was like her, this world would have been a better place. But sadly, it's jam-packed with assholes."
"True," muttered Arnav. He had this weird feeling that the shopkeeper was talking about him. Assholes...
"She used to feed it every day out of her own pocket," continued the shopkeeper. "Even I would give it a bite every now and then. But it's the bond which they shared. Both of them were lost and happy in each other's company. Such a sight to watch."
"Hmm..." mumbled Arnav. Though he tried to look normal, he was feeling very low now. He couldn't help but realize that it was probably this animal that shouldered all her pain and made her forget about it. Pain which he had enforced on her. And now... she was left with an empty and painful void.
"I wonder where she had been," said the shopkeeper. "The poor thing waited for her all evening because that's when she usually returns from work. But last evening, she didn't."
Arnav was quiet. The clenching pain in his chest was growing unbearably huge. She was in the hospital while this dog was waiting for her... she was in the hospital... because of me...
"It kept running up and down the street to check if she was coming," continued the shopkeeper, "that's when it got hit by a car. So sad."
Arnav's head was reeling with guilt. It's because of me... I'm responsible... Oh God... what have I done... He quickly cleared his throat. "So where did she go with the dog now?" he asked.
"To the pet cemetery," he replied. "There's one not far from here."
"Oh okay," replied Arnav and finished up the cola with a quick, urgent gulp. "Thanks," he paid the shopkeeper and hurried back to his car. He drove along the same path Khushi had gone and very soon he halted his car across the graveyard. A part of the land was kept aside for burying dead pets. Not very far away, he spotted Khushi taking the help of a man to get her friend buried.
Arnav's guilt consumed him all this while. Burnt him from within. He wrapped his knuckles tightly around the wheel till it was pale. He so badly wanted to go to her and take over the burial. He wanted to tell her that he was sorry. For everything. He wanted to pat her sorrows away. But could he? He knew he couldn't that easily. The gash he had left in her was deep and unforgivable in many ways. Nothing he did or said could wipe her tears away. And this knowledge, killed him even more. The frustration of feeling helpless and unable to do anything was pure torture but again... like the voice told him before... he had dug his own grave.
When he glanced over at her again, the burial was completed and she was now on her knees at Chikku's grave. Grieving. Breaking apart. Knowing that she could never see her again. And alone... in every sense of the word.
His heart ached like never before. He could never forgive himself for a lot of things. He had hurt many. And for what? To douse the burning flame of pain and hurt that he was going through himself? And did it work...? No... it never did. The void in him which was craving for being loved, longed and cared for was filled with the satisfaction gained out of torturing others instead. He had wrongly chose to fill it with hate and anger. He lived out of people's pain and helplessness. Am I a sadist? No... I can't be... I've never felt good when hurting others... or am I one?
After what seemed like forever, Khushi rose to her feet and carried herself out of the graveyard. Seeing her coming, Arnav quickly rolled up the glass and sunk really low into his seat. He didn't want to be seen. It would only freak her out.
After a while, he drove back, parked his car across the hostel and watched her walk back in. Sure that she was safe now, he returned home.
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Khushi had company that night. One of the girls from the neighbouring room had so kindly offered to sleep along and watch over her until Jhanvi returned.
But Khushi couldn't sleep in spite of her medications. She lay shrouded in the darkness of her room with the curtain of her eyes playing back the sweet memories she had shared with Chikoo. There had never been a moment she had to cry when she was around. All what existed in her presence was pure joy and heaven. Why all people can't be like them, she thought bitterly. Her heart was wrenching in pain knowing that the next day, Chikoo won't be waiting to greet her as usual.
********************
Arnav rolled on his bed restlessly. The day's events still had not managed to wipe itself off his eyes. It had etched itself there and deep into his heart. The sight of her crying over something she loved... because of him... he had given her pain over pain.
Even she had been through pain, the voice in his head told him, but she isn't like you...
I had everything and yet nothing, argued Arnav. Her case was different. She had nothing.
And yet she had everything... corrected the voice.
How? Wondered Arnav.
What do you really want, the voice questioned.
I want... to feel like... I have someone... who loves me... Arnav's eyes stung with tears now and his heart began to ache painfully.
What about Lavanya...
Arnav was thoughtful. I don't know... I don't think that I have ever got what I wanted from her...
And what is that?
Love...
So what is all this about... the voice reprimanded.
I don't know... thought Arnav.
Yes you do. You never loved her. You only wanted to believe that you did. You wanted to think that you were being loved. But you were just desperate. And out of your desperation to flaunt someone before everyone else, you just created something to believe in. But you could never hide the truth from yourself. You never loved her. And nor did she. You had never connected.
The words kept repeating in his head. You never loved her. And nor did she.
You loved Lavanya only on the surface. Love is strong. It is deep and it is real. It is the beat you skip and the clench you feel when you connect with your true soulmate. And it never breaks that easily. If it does, it will hurt like hell before it burns down to ashes. But the pain... will never go away.
The words sunk deep into Arnav and opened his eyes in the process. He had been blind all this while. He had been so dumb, pitying himself for the things that he never had. And Khushi... she had nothing... yet she had all. She never worried about what she didn't have. But she filled herself with the joy of giving out what she already had.
You don't have to get love to give it. You were born with it. We all were. Give it out and it will return to you tenfold.
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Cricket
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