As I sit in the corner of my dimly lit room, my heart can do no more than dream of our togetherness. Battling the world is easy, but his denial of me spells my defeat. When my family had forced me to come to Benaras, I knew that I wasn't meant to be here; but I still stayed and I changed my outlook. When I tried to discover the positives of my new home, I found him. I never even liked him, but I tried to be his friend. When I became his friend, I fell in love with him. I didn't ever want to love someone from this place; but in my efforts to understand my responsibilities, I had learned to value the sincerity in the relationships I formed here. I had learned to find joy in the silly antics of these Benaras-dwellers, especially my Mantu.
Every day when I wake up to the sounds of the morning bells, I hope to see him in front of my eyes; but every time I am disappointed as I witness the same sight, the curtains swaying in harmony with the wind. It hurts to not have him next to me, to not have him hug me every night before I fall asleep. Sometimes when I burn my food in the kitchen, I imagine him laughing in the corner and then cooking the meal as usual. At those times, I get so lost in my imagination that I begin to laugh, but the silence breaks my imaginary world and brings me back to my empty reality. I know I am stupid to still remember these memories and hope that I will ever experience such moments in my life again, but I can't seem to get the heaviness in my chest to go away; I can't stop the tears from burning in my eyes. I try but I can't.
He told me to leave him alone, told me that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. And everyone thinks that his rejection is the root of my pain, but it really isn't. It hurts more to know why he let me go and still be living with that truth.
Mantu and I are getting married today! Oh my gosh, I can't believe that day is finally here. I had waited for so long, and today everything is going to be perfect. I can only imagine what my life as Mrs. Shrivastav is going to be, eeks , it is all so exciting. I am sitting in my room when my phone rings. It is Mantu. I answer the call excitedly but he sounds upset. He tells me that he needs to meet me immediately. I go to his house and he breaks the news to me that he has leukemia, and he cannot get married to me. I tell him that I don't care because I know he will be fine, and I want to be there with him when he needs me. But he doesn't listen; he shouts that he doesn't need me. He doesn't want me to go through his pain, the pain that he is destined to have. I protest, but he tells me that this is his last wish in life; and I can't fight with him anymore. I break down and feel him lift me up; he hugs me tightly maybe for the last time. I hold on, I don't want to let go; but a few seconds later he pushes me away and tells me that I need to leave. I ask if I can be with him for a one more day, to live through my whole life with him in 24 hours. He looks me in the eyes and then shifts his gaze towards his feet nodding slowly.
We start off our day with my breakfast, as usual I burn it, and Mantu lets out a small chuckle. He ushers me to the side and takes the pan from my hand. I let him take charge, and as I watch him cook I blink away the tears that I feel rising in my eyes. Suddenly he starts coughing and I run to help him. I feel panic, almost as if the next moment he will be gone. I brush away the negative thoughts, and give him water as I gently rub his back. I try asking him if he is okay but I choke on my tears, and he shushes me obviously realizing my discomfort. He makes one of his stupid faces, and we both start to laugh. Then he grabs my hand and takes me back to the kitchen where he resumes his cooking. We finish our breakfast after a lot giggling and teasing each other. I tell him that I will clean up, but he reminds me that we don't have much time. I stare at the dull concrete beneath my feet blankly for a while; Mantu senses the awkwardness and suggests going for a bike ride.
As I sit behind him on his bike, we pass through the narrow streets of Benaras and I just clutch his shoulders. I try to take in his scent, the feeling of being here with him so that I can always feel his presence around me, even when he is gone. I look into his side mirror and see that he is looking at me; there is a moment of awkward eye contact, but we both look away. Our first stop is at a tea stall, the stall where I had borrowed the teakettle from when I first moved to Benaras. I ask Mantu if he remembers how much he had troubled me for that kettle, and he gives me an OTT shocked expression. He taunts me saying that I also bugged him a lot in the initial days. I smile and I can see from the corner of my eye that he is smiling too perhaps because in that moment I am happy. When we are sitting on the bench at the tea stall it starts raining, the rain is so beautiful I tell him. He reminds me of the time when he had come to meet me at night in the pouring rain. I tell him that he was stupid because he didn't even wake me up. He explains that I looked so beautiful sleeping, and he didn't want to ruin my sleep. He also tells me a secret that he has been sneaking to my room at night every day for the past two weeks. I tell him that he is a stalker; he sneers at my remark and says that it is love not stalking. I get so engrained in the conversation forgetting that I am supposed to avoid talking about the separation that I ask him why he is letting me go if he loves me. His smile fades, and I curse myself because I made him upset. I apologize immediately and he forgives me. The sun starts to set and it is almost time for the evening aarti so we head out to attend it. The pandit throws malas out, and Mantu catches one of them. I get an idea, so I try to grab the next one thrown. Fortunately, I get my hands on the last mala and I am super excited. Mantu says that it is time to go home, but I hold his hand and stop him. I walk to the front of mandir with him, right in front of Mahadev. I turn to face Mantu and put my mala around his neck. He is both shocked and mad at me, but I tell him that we were supposed to get married today. I ask him if he will give me the joy of being his wife, and assure him that I won't ask for anything more. He seemingly gasps for breath, and finally lifts the mala over my head. I feel complete, like there is no better feeling in the world than knowing that Mantu and I belong to each other. My gaze meets Mantu's and I see this weird longing in his eyes, almost as if he just wants to run and hug me. Almost as if he doesn't want to deal with these problems anymore, as if he just wants to cry.
When we get home, I ask him if he wants to eat anything and he says no. I tell him that he should go to sleep now, but he stops me. There is a deep silence for a few minutes after which he says that he just wants to hug me and talk to me all night. I don't say anything, just follow him and we sit down in the moonlight on his terrace for hours. We talk about how we met and fell in love, we talk about how he convinced my family, all of the crazy things that we did together, our wedding plans, and our future that we could have had together. We ignore the fact that we aren't going to be together when the sun rises in the morning and just pour out dreams and hopes that life had once given us. Mantu tells me that if we had gotten married, he would have wanted to have at least 4 or 5 kids. I hit him on the back and tell him that I was not going to have 5 kids. I lean against him and he plays with my hair as I look up at the stars. I hope against hope that time would just halt here, but I know it isn't possible.
I wake up in the morning, with the sun blinding me. I cover my eyes and recognize that I am still at Mantu's house. I look behind me and Mantu is still asleep. I try to move his hands away from me, but I accidently startle him and he wakes up. In the beautiful morning dawn, there is dead silence among us as we know that the time to part has come. I stay silent hoping that maybe if I don't speak, I won't ever have to leave. Finally Mantu gets up and says that he will be back in a minute. He comes back only a few seconds later and hands me a small wooden box. I hesitantly take it from his hand and gently lift off the lid. I see two objects inside, one is Mantu's watch and the other is a small pendant like thing. When I take the pendant out, I can see that it is a locket with a few words engraved on the top. It reads "I will always love you." I choke back some tears as I open up the locket. Inside is a picture of us together. I look up at Mantu who is meticulously scribbling in the dust with his toe. He says that this was going to be my wedding present. I say a cold thank you visibly hurt because I realize that he actually is letting go of any hope of us being together. At that point, I just want to leave without any goodbyes or hugs. But I don't because I cannot be that selfish. He looks up into my eyes with a hopeful appearance and I break into his arms. We both cry for what seemed like decades, not caring about the time that passed or the moments yet to come. Then we let go, we don't say anything, don't even look at each other. I just grab my stuff and rush out the door. That was the end, our end.
The last time I heard about him was when Atom told me that he was being admitted to the hospital about a year ago and he didn't have much time left. I hadn't gone to see him then because I didn't want to face the reality. I don't know where he is now, and I don't want to know because I am a coward. I am afraid of heartbreaks, of pain, of sorrow, and of losing my love again. But I cannot lose to my fear anymore; I cannot look in the mirror and see the wretched person that I have become. I don't want to. I will go look for him, maybe he is already gone, but I will still go.
I stand in front of his house; I don't know what to do. I take a deep breath and step onto his doorstep lifting my fist to knock on the door. The doors swing open and my eyes are fixated on my feet. I hear a weary voice say Amaya. I slowly lift up my eyes to see the person who spoke, and there he stands with tear-stricken eyes. My shoes are no longer shoes, but bricks to my feet as I am unable to move towards him. He turns slowly to go back in the house perhaps expecting me to follow. I enter behind him and he ushers me to sit on the chair as he goes to get refreshments. I grab his hand and shake my head as I gasp for breath trying hard to hide my tears.
"Mantu don't go... ple---ease don't ---don't go," I manage to say. I start crying and clench his shirt in my hands as I look into his eyes helplessly. He doesn't say anything, just lets me cry and hit him. I want him to be mad at me, but he doesn't react. I scream at him asking why he didn't come to me when he was better. Why wasn't he mad at me for not visiting him in the hospital, for never trying to find his whereabouts I question? He says that he was afraid that I didn't love him anymore, that I wouldn't want him. He tells me that he can't ever be mad at me and I hate him for loving me so much. He kisses me on the forehead and tells me that he loves me more than anything.I break down in his arms and he just holds me until I calm down enough to speak to him. I tell him that I wasn't really alive for this past year and he places his finger on my lips telling me that he knows I guess. I know that nothing more needs to be said because maybe that will be disregarding his love so I just hug him promising that I will never let him go now. That I will always be fastened in his love.
~~~~~~~~~~~
With lots of love, Loveleen
xx
Pyaar Kii Ye Ek Kahaani
Kabhi Neem Neem Kabhi Shahad Shahad
Shiv Shakti
