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Aaj ki taaza khabar!!
According to latest reports, a superbug has been discovered in Benaras. This virus has been named Vachan and it causes the highly contagious disease, Vachanitis. It has been reported that even saying the name of the virus causes you to contract it and in order to protect this reporter from said virus, the virus will be referred to from hereon as the V virus. The symptoms of Vachanitis vary widely from case to case and include some positive side effects as well. However, there is no known cure yet to save people from the clutches of the V virus. A team of highly specialized scientists are working on developing a vaccination, named Common Sense, to try to prevent the further spread of the disease. Amaya Mathur and Mantu Shrivastav are reported to be seriously affected by the V Virus. However, Mantu Shrivastav has had a second exposure to the V Virus and it has produced positive effects. In order to further study the effects of having two people suffering from Vachanitis in close quarters, Scientist Ramnashrey Gupta has suggested that Mantu move in into the same house as Amaya Mathur under the pretext of organizing the wedding rituals. However, the scientific experiment may not produce the desired effects since, we hear from trusted sources, that Mantu has unknowingly introduced snake venom into the mix by including Uma devi into the plan.
It is also reported that, Sneha Mathur has injected a small dose of the V virus into her own daughter Rachita Mathur! This version of the V virus now requires that Rachita Mathur keep smiling all the time. We hear Rachita Mathur might be buying the V for Vendetta mask pretty soon in order to keep up with her infection without tiring her facial muscles.
It seems people from Benaras have more to watch out for, since the "Love" virus that had infected Mantu and Amaya last month but was thought to have been killed by Uma devi's venom, has resurfaced too. Ramashrey Gupta has also been infected by a super positive strain of the virus and recently received a booster shot of the virus upon knowing that Rachita Mathur loves him. As a result of the virus infection, Ramashrey Gupta has been causing multiple power surges and power outages everywhere he goes because of his 10000000 watt smile. Other effects of the virus on Ramashrey Gupta include transformation of appearance and body language into full filmy hero style.
Amaya and Mantu however, seem to be infected by different strains of the same virus. Our correspondent spoke to Amaya Mathur regarding this and this is what she had to say. "Yes. I have been infected by both the love and V virus. My Love virus makes me give puppy eyed looks to Mr. Abhimanyu Shrivastav, take deep, long breaths and makes my hair fly in the breeze. I also get random bouts of inexplicable hiccups associated with my love virus. The good thing is, however, Mahadev seems to be listening to my prayers now that I am infected by the virus. However, since I also am infected by the V virus, I cannot let anyone know about my love virus infection. Because speaking about the love virus infection will somehow cause the V virus to die and I don't want the V virus to die because that would mean my love virus infection wasn't real." The reporter suspects that either the love virus, or the V virus or both together have befuddled Ms. Amaya Mathur's brains. We, at The TSM Times team, wish Amaya Mathur a speedy recovery.
We also spoke to Mr. Mantu regarding his love virus and double exposure to the V virus and the following is his statement. "I no longer acknowledge that I have a love virus infection. I do not stare at Amaya Mathur for long every time I see her. I did today, but that was an angry stare and not an in love stare. And I hadn't seen her in a while. And whenever I do look at her, its my V virus that boils in my blood and not the love virus. I randomly do keep staring at my phone and I do get inexplicable hiccups but I refuse to acknowledge that the love virus is what is causing all this. I am sure, even after I move in to the Mathur-Chaubey Haveli, I will not be infected by the love virus even if Amaya prances around me all the time. I have been religiously practicing yoga and doing meditation so I have tremendous self-control now. I will not be sneaking into Amaya's bedroom at night. But I might check on her once in a while as a honest citizen looking out for a fellow citizen. I will perform my duties for the wedding to the best of my abilities and that is my vachan!" The mention of the V word made the reporter discontinue the interview and run for her life.
Our reporter and readers state that seeing Mantu today after so many days has produced some weird symptoms in them. Our reporter states she had butterflies in her stomach when she saw Mantu's wet, freshly washed hair look and as he put on his blue shirt, her heart literally stopped. If that wasn't enough, when Mantu was giving Amaya his angry young man looks, our reporter had serious fangirling moments including an increased heart beat, pulse rate and a pause in breathing. We suspect that our reporter might have been infected with one or the other of the viruses in Benaras' air.
In other news, Customs and Immigration Department of Benaras have notified the entry of three new immigrants into Benaras - Naani, Mausi and Bua. All three of them are relatives of the Guptas, here to attend the wedding of Ramashrey Gupta and Rachita Mathur. As of now, these immigrants appear harmless and their intention is to create temporary, light-hearted drama. However, they have been warned that any serious damage caused to person, property or love stories in Benaras will result in an immediate termination of their visas and deportation from Benaras. Any violations of the said visa regulations that these people may engage in, must be reported to: 1800-TSM-CREATIVES
That's all from The TSM Times for today. Stay tuned for more info on the happenings in Benaras and stay away from the V, love and what not viruses!
- The TSM Times Special Correspondent
Anupamaa
Seher Hone Ko Hai
