Hey everyone! I have the first update of this thread ready! I want to thank you all again for getting this story here! And I wanted to update yesterday for you all, but was way too tired after my exam and so it took a while to write this out!
Chapter 25 "Raman! Why did you just say? Kill her?!"
"I did Ishita! It was my fault!"
"Look at me!" she gently take his tear stained face into her hands and make him face her.
"You can't blame yourself Raman...she hid so much from you...And never again, and I mean never Raman will you ever say anything like you just said. Hmm?"
He cried as he thought about ever being able to forgive himself for committing such a huge mistake that led to a death...his wife's death, while here she was telling me it wasn't his fault as well. But he couldn't make himself believe her...he knew very well that Ishita was a nice person. She respected him, but never knew it was enough to make her ignore his disgusting behaviour. He just couldn't believe it and couldn't stop crying at what he had done and what it had led to.
Seeing his state, she couldn't think of anything, but what he could be feeling right now. She didn't care about boundaries or what he would think anymore. She brought this face closer to herself, and didn't think twice before taking him into a hug. He didn't have it in him to resist her neither did he want to. He needed someone to give him a shoulder to cry on, he wanted someone to comfort him and now when she was doing just that, he couldn't even think of trying to back off. He gently placed his head on her chest as he continued to cry. She held him tightly and stroked his hair trying to tell him he wasn't at fault here...
"Raman it wasn't your fault...please don't blame yourself."
He wrapped his arms around her as his tears were now on her neck and chest. She couldn't stop her own eyes from watering up seeing him like this. It hurt whenever he kept on blaming himself and calling himself careless and now when she knew the truth behind it, it was even more painful to hear him talk like this.
"She made the final choice...you aren't responsible..."
"I...I forced her."
She knew he was too vulnerable and too guilty to be explaining anything to right now. He just needed someone with him to comfort and support him. And that's what she would do because she had promised to be with him. But more for herself, she wanted to comfort him so she could see him be relived of those emotions, those tears, and that guilt he held back at least for a little while. They sat in the same position as he cried his heart out to her continuous blaming himself while she listened to everything quietly...
It was only when he started to calm himself down, slowly stop his crying when she opened the eyes she had kept closed as she couldn't see him in such a state. She felt his heavy breaths on her chest and ended up clutching onto his shirt tightly and closed her eyes not knowing how to react to this closeness of their in such a situation. He felt her grip tightened and looked up at her finding her eyes shut tightly. Realizing their proximity he moved back and stopped his tears and heavy breathing causing him to cough suddenly.
She looked around the room for water anywhere, but remembered he had locked this room way back. And then what caught her eyes as she looked around was all those pictures of the woman they had just talked about. She was in every single picture in the room while he was only present in their wedding picture. Suddenly Ishita was almost angered by seeing her pictures. Any other time she wouldn't have cared much about his first wife's memories on the walls. But today she didn't want them to be there, she didn't want to see the face of the person who hurt Raman so much and was continuing to hurt him till today. She just didn't. But then, this was Shagun's room. And that realization took her mind to other things.
She wondered about how many memories they had in this room that he had to lock it away. Was it right for her to be in here right now? This was the same room they had been together in, they had shared that bed together, they probably sat on this couch together and it suddenly evoked something in her that she didn't want to stay in this room any longer. She wanted to leave, but couldn't tell Raman that in case he questioned why, so...
"Raman let's go outside and get you some water."
They both slowly got up and she walked right next to him as he seemed to be staring at nothing as he walked. Though he wasn't crying anymore, he was nowhere close to forgetting about her or forgiving himself for a mistake he never made. She kept on looking only at him as they walked out of the room and as he walked ahead of her, she stopped at the door. She saw the lock and key that were right by her and quickly shut the room not wanting another look at it and locked it keeping the key with her. She would never open that room again, she thought to herself as she walked out to find him sitting on the couch lost in his own thoughts.
She sat next to him handing him a glass of water. As he drank the water, she looked at him anxiously wanting to ask him about one more thing, but didn't know if it would be right seeing what had just happened a few minutes back. But she really wanted to know...
"Raman..."
He looked up at her and as she looked into his swollen red eyes, she knew she couldn't ask him any further worried about having him cry again.
"Nothing."
"Ask me whatever you want to. I'm okay." He replied in a quiet voice.
"Raman...I actually...Raman...only if you can talk...about...I mean you know...with"
"Ruhi?" he tried to figure out what she wanted to talk about. And he was right as she nodded her head positively at him. She looked at him waiting for his reaction hoping he wasn't going to be upset. But he wasn't at all...he had the tiniest smile lingering on his face as he thought of something as if almost forgetting about what he had talked about just a while back.
"One minute." Saying so he got up and went to the cabinet on the side of their living room. He brought what seemed to be a small book to her.
As he sat back down next to her, they heard Ruhi's cries from their room. Ruhi had woken up from her small nap and after not finding anyone to pick her up was crying loudly. Ishita grabbed her and patted her gently sitting on the bed. As she started to stop crying, Raman sat down next to Ishita. He opened up the small book and showed her...
"This was Ruhi when she was born."
Ishita leaned closer and looked at the picture of her daughter. Her face was hardly visible because of all the machines that surrounded her, but managed to catch a glimpse of the smallest baby she had seen in her life. The small child had her eyes closed, her thin skin had a tint of color and her facial features were distorted by the various tubes near her face and she was covered with what seemed to a blanket slightly bigger than a wash cloth.
"She's so tiny!" Ishita exclaimed looking at the Ruhi in her arms now compared to the small child in the picture. Ruhi who was looking at the picture confused as to who the other baby in the house was looked at Ishita who kept her eyes on the picture. Seeing her mother looking at the other baby, she shrieked loudly almost offended at being called tiny and ignored. Ishita apologized in a childish voice for calling her tiny as she and Raman laughed at her cuteness.
"But seriously, she was small."
"She was only 1.6lbs."
"And today..." she asked bringing Ruhi closer to her dropping a tear on the child's cheek.
"Last time we checked was before our wedding. Then she was 5.4lb."
"She's 4 months and only 5.4?!"
"Well her adjusted age is only a month, so it makes sense. It's really good progress considering how she was born."
"Looking at that picture and now, I see the difference for sure."
Raman pointed out what each machine did to keep his daughter alive and tried to make her healthy. He smiled through his tears as he told her about how she was so small and he was so scared when anyone asked if he wanted to hold her.
"You know her feet were like probably half the size of my finger. And these chubby cheeks of hers you love were never there. I remember when she was a week old, the nurse asked me to hold her. I wanted to pick up my daughter in my hands, to hold her against my chest, to feel her presence and have her feel mine, but she was the most fragile thing ever. The thought of hurting her slightly scared me so much that I couldn't bring myself to hold her. After so much insistence from my mom and that nurse, I tried to hold her and backed off so many times. So I could only hold her tiny hands while Ma held her. That was the first time she opened these gorgeous eyes of hers."
He gently pulled her cheeks and happy with her dad's compliment, Ruhi giggled and grabbed his finger. He kissed her hand and held onto her hand as he continued...
"Ma said it was the first time I had smiled during that hospital stay when I saw her looking right at me. I can't tell you what I felt. Though she closed them again quickly, I won't ever forget those few seconds my baby looked at me. I wanted to hug her, kiss her, hold her and I didn't know if I wanted to cry or smile..."
"So when did you finally pick her up?"
"After her ventilation came off. I picked her up when she could finally breathe on her own after her lungs had started to develop properly. She had respiratory distress syndrome and she needed support for a month and a half."
"So you just looked at her from a distance for that long?" she thought of the feeling he faced seeing his daughter in such a state and not being able to bring his child close to him only seeing her through the incubator she was kept in.
"I did...because I was actually really scared of hurting her. She had so many problems from the moment she was born and I didn't want to take any risks with her. Even yesterday I was worried about feeding her because she could hardly take the milk being fed to her, and so I was worried if she would be able to shallow the food properly. And in case the food wasn't right for her, then she would fall sick so quickly. She has an extremely weak immune system because she was just born weak and she was never given her mother's milk, I could only do my best by getting her the milk formula that seemed to be the healthiest, but it just wouldn't be the same..."
"It must have been so hard for you." A tear rolled down her cheek again wondering how he face all this alone.
"I won't lie by denying. But you know it was all worth the moment I held her. She still had a feeding tube and was attached to a monitor, but she was there in my arms. At first I hardly could feel her because she was so light, but then it sunk in that my baby, my daughter was there, snuggled into my arms. She was all cuddled up by my chest and almost held onto my shirt's button."
"That seem almost magical the way you say it."
"It was. I was so happy that I don't have words to describe it. I was so proud that my daughter was that strong and fighting against the odds she had. She made the best of that 50% chance they gave her. She's much stronger than her own dad is."
"Is that why you were crying yesterday?"
"I honestly never thought I would be able to see the day Ruhi would eat on her own. I was once ever worried if I would ever see her enter this house. But she's here and now I know she will do all those things that children her age do!"
"She will! Right Ruhi?"
Ruhi cooed in agreement and Raman smiled wiping off the tears that had formed in his eyes. Raman asked to hold her and as he took her into his arms, he started to smile making the mother-daughter duo do the same. Ishita looked at him with Ruhi and couldn't believe how effortless Ruhi had changed his mood and just talking about her made him feel so much better. Ishita ran her hand over Ruhi's head feeling so thankfully he had her at that time of Shagun's demise since she probably did take his mind of things like she had right now.
~~~~~
Unknown to the couple busy with their daughter, there had been another couple outside their room who had just heard the last few bits of their conversation and had been touched by what they saw. Vandita and Bala had been let in by the maid as they had dropped by a hello. When told, Raman and Ishita were in their room, they went over to find the door open and the couple busy talking about their daughter. They left the house giving them their own space decided not to bother them.
"Bala, he never talked about Ruhi's birth this openly with anyone, not even Toshi aunty. And he's known her for a few weeks and he feels comfortable enough to share with Ishita."
"You're right. I'm just happy he's found someone who got him to talk and he can share everything with. I just hope they stay this way."
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That was all! Please like and leave your feedback! Will look forward to reading it!
Edited by smilesforever98 - 10 years ago
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