Fog hung over the gardens, thick and gray, casting a dull pallor upon the house. It was daytime, but there was no sunlight streaming through the curtains, the clouds heavy with rain but unwilling to cry. The air had a bite to it, not particularly cold but enough to make her shiver, goosebumps trailing up her bare arms.
Her morning cup of chai lay forgotten on the table beside her as she stared out across the gardens, allowing the fog to envelop her. Her gaze briefly rested on the silhouette of the house in the distance.
She looked away. Her stinging eyes prickled with tears, already streaked with red. Trails of dried tears clung to her skin, making her face uncomfortably stiff. Her heart felt heavy with the new knowledge that he would never come back, would never smile mischieviously and never tease her again.
"Bhab- I mean, Anjali..."
"Nikhil Kumar, you are incorrigible."
The image of NK giving her a smile as they twisted his arms behind his back, the dark hood in the executioner's arms contrasting with the sparkling silver of the handcuffs played in her mind. His brilliant smile lit up the darkness of the dank jail, accepting death with an eerie calm.
The tears spilled down her cheeks unchecked, her sobs coming in choking, painful gulps of air.
He had done this for his country. For them.
She took a gasping breath as a sob wracked her, and her face fell into her knees, the tears soaking her sari. She didn't want to attend another meeting, not without his confidence, his contagious excitement as he spoke to them about his dream of a free India.
For them. He had done this for them, she had to go fight.
For him.
Her shuddering breaths slowed as she worked a smile onto her face. Her cheeks hurt from the effort, her body exhausted and leaden from the weight of her grief. She felt empty, the salt of the tears a painful burn against her eyes.
Her eyes fell on the faint outline of the house once more. The fog outside had never looked so bleak, globes of mist condensing and sliding down the pane.
It was as if the world was in mourning for him.
The ache in her hadn't abated, but she could almost feel the gentle shove of his shoulders against hers, hear his voice admonishing her, telling her not to give up. She closed her eyes, the tears sneaking through the cracks and rolling down her cheeks.
She didn't know if she had the strength.
She didn't want to walk into that room and not see him sneaking glances at Khushi, a tangible red on his cheeks when she prodded him about it. She suddenly felt a burst of anger towards him, fury pounding in her head.
He had almost married the woman he had been dreaming of for five years. And he had left her. Hadn't he thought about what would happen to her?
What would happen to them?
The memory of his excitement bursting at the seams as he had come into the room that day was crystal clear. She could see the smile that had pulled at his lips as he watched Khushi laughing, Khushi returning it with a tentative smile.
Khushi.
Anjali froze, her heart aching for her newly married sister. She hadn't missed the tenderness between Arnav and Khushi, the newfound warmth between them. She had seen the secret smiles they shared, the way they seemed to be... a unit.
Khushi would be devastated by the news.
She heard the quiet footsteps of her husband behind her and turned around. She was unable to keep a gasp from spilling out of her lips as she took in his pale face, the scruff seemingly overgrown, his eyes bloodshot from crying. She reached out to him, but he remained stiffly in place, his eyes vacant.
He hadn't eaten all day, remaining locked up in the study, refusing to see anyone or talk to anyone. She had pleaded with him to come out but he hadn't listened.
Alone.
"Aman."
"Khushi needs to be told."
He ignored her, speaking in short, clipped words as he pushed through the sentence. His voice was determinedly steady, as if he was laboring to keep it so. There was an emptiness between them, her husband bottling up his grief.
She wished she could close the distance between them, desperately needing the warmth of his arms. But forced herself to resist, allowing the space to remain.
She regarded him for a moment. She knew Khushi would want to know, but she didn't want to shatter the new, fragile connection between her and Arnav.
Khushi would retreat into her shell, pushing everyone away.
Taking a deep breath, she faced her husband, knowing he would disagree with her.
"I know, but she is newly married. We can't tell her now."
Aman huffed in frustration, looking away.
"She would want to know, Anjali."
"Aman, no."
She said firmly. He met her gaze steadily before his shoulders softened in acquiesce, giving her a curt nod before beginning to walk away.
"Aman?"
She saw him stop at her trembling voice, his hands fisting at his sides. She forced herself to breathe, her throat closing as she stared at his stiff back, his fingers curling into his palms.
"Aman."
She heard the audible intake of breath at her quiet plea, his shoulders slumping and trembling imperceptibly.
He slowly turned around, staring at her with a broken spirit, tears streaming down his face unchecked. His jaw shook with the tension of keeping his devastation within him, his heart aching for her.
He hadn't wanted to burden her with his anguish, to show her this torn side of him, failing to recognize that she needed him too.
NK had been her friend as well.
He bent his head down, his pride shattering as his shoulders shook with silent tears. He felt his wife's presence in front of him, her hands cupping his face, urging him to look at her. He felt the sobs shaking her through her hands, wet with his tears as she tilted his face to look at him.
She shook her head silently, her nose brushing his as their cheeks touched, the tears mixing together as they grasped at each other desperately, drowning in the comfort touch brought.
"He was my best friend, Anju."
He hiccuped, trying fruitlessly to retain composure.
"I miss him, Anju. How will we go on without him? Without his passion, we are nothing. Without him, we-"
He broke off, breaking down in Anjali's arms. She wrapped her arms around him, burying her face against his chest as her shoulder shook with sobs
*********
She heard the scrape of his chair as he adjusted it, bent over his work. She took a deep breath, unwilling to break the peaceful silence that had settled over them.
She couldn't get rid of the uneasy feeling that something was wrong with NK. It clawed at her insistently.
She had intended to go there days ago, before she had gotten sick. But Arnav had refused to let her go, refusing to even consider the idea of her returning to that place.
She knew he didn't want her to go alone, but she had to go.
She had to make sure he was okay.
"I thought I would go see NK today. I have been meaning to but..."
Arnav's back stiffened, but he didn't still as his pen continued to scratch across the paper. He did not even turn back to look at her as he responded.
"I would rather you not go back there."
His voice was dangerously light, and she gritted her teeth in frustration. She regarded him for a moment, knowing that he wouldn't back down. She could hear the steel in his voice as he spoke.
"We need Nikhil."
The tension in the air was palpable, his pen stopping as his head raised up from the paper. She could see the tautness in the way his hands gripped the pen, his voice hard as he spoke.
"You will not go there, Khushi. Not alone. I do not want to subject you to those men. They aren't good people."
"I can handle myself. I was there too, remember?"
"Khushi, I don't want you to go alone. I can come with you tonight, if you would like."
She didn't want to wait that long. She couldn't.
She had to make sure he was okay.
She took a deep breath, pasting a smile on her face.
"Of course. I'll just go get vegetables then, since Ma had asked for them and Hariprakash's daughter is sick."
"Khushi-"
She turned on her heel, not giving him a chance to respond. She could feel his gaze on her back, but ignored it, walking determinedly out the door. She slipped out of the house, turning in the opposite direction of the subji market.
Khushi walked into the jail, wrapping her pallu around herself as the jailers stood. They stared at the scarlet streak in her hair, backing away into the shadows under her piercing gaze.
"I would like to see Nikhil Kumar."
The jailer looked up, his eyes widening in recognition. There was still the defiance in her hazel eyes, but there was something more intimidating. She had reined in the anger, replacing it with a cool grace that sent a shiver up his spine.
His eyes fell to the thin strand of black beads that rested against her neck, the diamonds glinting in the light. He looked back up to her face, a chill in his veins when he met her steely gaze.
*********
Arnav swung open the door, finding his brother-in-law at the footstep. His jaw was set tightly, red streaks in the whites of his eyes as he looked up at Arnav.
Wordlessly, he invited him in, closing the door with an ominous click behind him.
Aman sat down on the couch, staring blankly at the wall. Arnav took a seat opposite him, waiting patiently for the silence to break. The only sound came from the rhythmic ticking of the clock as the seconds passed by, into minutes.
*********
Khushi stared at the man, patiently clasping her hands in front of herself as he whispered to his subordinate. She could hear the faint murmur of the inmates, the dull blue room uninviting and cold.
She heard the click of the heels on the floor and looked up, a grim faced jailer staring right back at her. Her confidence slowly faded, and she fought to keep her icy facade. Dread built up in her stomach, but she forced herself to hold his unpitying gaze.
*********
"Anjali doesn't know I am here yet."
There was a long pause, and Aman spoke again. This time, he looked directly at Arnav, pinning him with a sharp gaze.
"But I thought you should know."
Arnav nodded, meeting Aman's steady gaze. There was an unsaid request to not reveal this meeting to his younger sister.
Would Arnav would honor that?
Aman searched his face, finding a silent agreement to keep this between themselves.
Aman would not have come against Anjali if it hadn't been important.
Aman looked off into the distance for a minute, his face dark with sadness. He took a deep breath as if to build up courage, swallowing painfully as the words came to rest on the tip of his tongue.
*********
"Nikhil Kumar has been executed."
The jailer's face twisted, brutally lashing out the words. He took great satisfaction in the way her face drained of color at his words, the breath leaving her body.
*********
Stunned silence filled the cracks. Arnav's gaze flew to Aman, his hoarse voice barely getting out her name.
Khushi.
His stomach dropped. He knew she had gone, and wouldn't respond.
It had been far too long for her to only be buying vegetables.
"Khushi does not know yet. She will be devastated when she finds out. As you know, they were supposed to... She was very close to Nikhil. They met when Khushi moved in with your family. He was her friend."
Aman broke off, his voice hitching.
"Khushi will need you, Arnav. She does not like to ask for help, but she will need you."
Aman fixed him with a sharp stare. He nodded distractedly. It had been two hours, and she still wasn't back.
He should have stopped her earlier. He shouldn't have let her go, he knew in the pit of his stomach that she would have gone anyway.
"Arnav."
He heard Aman call his name and turned his gaze back on him. Worry leaked from him, a restlessness that wouldn't still until he had her in his arms.
Aman gave him a faint smile as he squeezed his shoulder, silently conveying that he understood before getting up from the couch and walking away.
*********
She felt numb, staring blankly at the jailer in front of her. She could see his mouth moving, but couldn't hear the words, the only sound her heart pounding in her ears and the thoughts in her head.
It couldn't be. He couldn't be dead. Not now, not when they needed him, not when she had come to take him out.
No! He couldn't be. He had to be lying, the jailer was lying, he had to be.
"He was executed 10 days ago."
"No! He wasn't, he couldn't be, he wasn't scheduled to be executed! He- he didn't kill anyone! He wasn't supposed to be executed! He was supposed to be let out, he had to be let out."
She couldn't control her outburst, her eyes frantically scanning the room as she pushed herself up from the chair. The jailer was up as quickly, blocking her pathway as he roughly grasped her forearms.
She struggled in his grip, furiously glaring at him.
"Let me see him!"
He yelped in pain when she stepped hard on his foot, his grip on her loosening. She ran through the door, hearing the click of their heels on her footsteps as she came to a stop in front of his jail cell.
The empty, dark cell stared back at her, eerily silent. Goosebumps crept up her arms, and she shivered, her heart growing cold. She shook the metal bars even as they remained stubbornly in place, staring at the cell.
No.
She didn't realize she had said it aloud until it bounced back from the walls, ringing in the space. She whirled around on her heel, pinning the jailer with her gaze.
"Tell me where he is! Did you move him? Where did you shift him to? Where did you take him? Tell me!"
She didn't wait for his response, taking off down the hallway, frantically searching through the cells. She called his name over and over again, hating the way it rang against the walls without a response.
She looked into cell after cell, ignoring the calls of the jailer to stop. Sometimes, there would be a pair of eyes staring back at her from the darkness, but they were never his, never the warm, brown eyes that would spark with passion.
"Where is he? Tell me! Where did you take him, don't lie to me!"
"He is not here, Mrs. Raizada."
"Tell me where you've taken him!"
She yelled, her eyes almost manic as her scream rang in his ears. He took a step back from the woman in front of him. She was breathing heavily, the sharpness prickling at the back of her eyes.
He merely looked at her, shaking his head.
"He was executed, Mrs. Raizada."
"You're lying."
She said on a sobbing breath, trying desperately not to cry. She could feel the tightness in her throat, slicing through her like needles. She couldn't swallow, her eyes stinging with the effort of keeping her tears at bay.
He couldn't be dead.
He couldn't be dead.
She searched the jailer's face, desperately looking for a sign of hope. She saw the pity in his eyes, hear the apology that he had to give this news to her in his sigh.
"Mrs. Raizada, he was executed."
She shook her head, backing away from him.
"No, no, you're lying!"
She walked out of the jail, breaking into a run, trying to escape the deafening cries in her head. She couldn't stop the taunting words that looped endlessly in her mind, over and over until they jumbled together in a screaming mess.
He wasn't dead, he wasn't dead...
She chanted to herself, trying to drown out the words. She came to a stop in the middle of the market, the world swirling around her as people stopped to glare at her, working their way around her. The sounds of the world were a senseless babble around her, the colorful blur of people talking and laughing making her head pound.
He wasn't dead, he couldn't be.
They were lying to her, they had to be. They had to be lying. They were telling her this so she wouldn't try to find him, so they would win.
That was it.
That was it!
She nearly sobbed with relief, running her hands over her face. They must have taken him away to break their spirit, but they wouldn't win, she wouldn't let them.
Aman. She had to tell Aman!
Aman would understand. He would find NK, wouldn't he? He would know.
She would tell him, and then they could go together...
She stood in the middle of the crowd, thinking out her plan. He could see her small figure, surrounded by people as she stared blankly. He pushed through the crowd, desperate to reach her. He ignored the curious stares of the people passing by, calling her name out again and again.
"Khushi!"
She didn't hear him, seemingly in a trance. He could feel Aman on his footsteps, slowing as they approached her. He placed a hand on her shoulder, and she jumped, turning around.
Her eyes fell on Aman, completely ignoring him. She smiled in relief, her eyes still red from the tears.
"Aman? I was just going to come to your house. Did you know, they took NK away? And now they're lying about it! They're telling me that he was executed! Can you believe them? How dare they?! I cannot believe they would..."
She rambled on, the words spilling out of her lips in a quick jumble. Arnav saw Aman's fist close as he took a deep breath, clearly struggling with the pain.
"Khushi."
"-and they won't tell me where he is, Aman! You'll help me, won't you? You'll help me find him, right? We'll all fight together, and he'll be okay, and-"
"Khushi."
She ignored him, carrying on as her voice began to crack. She didn't even stop to take a breath, pushing through even as her confidence faltered. He heard Aman take a deep breath before gently placing a hand on Khushi's shoulder.
"Khushi, they're telling the truth. NK was executed ten days ago."
She flinched harshly, stepping back. shaking her head.
"No! He wasn't, Aman, you can't possibly believe them, they're lying! They're lying to me, they're lying to you, he isn't dead Aman, he isn't dead."
She repeated, the tears rapidly filling her eyes. Aman shook his head slowly, and Arnav saw Khushi recognize the sadness in his face. Her breathing grew rough as she shook her head frantically, her eyes becoming panicked.
"No Aman! He's not dead, Aman, he can't be! I just- he was just there, I saw him Aman! Aman, he's not dead, tell me he's not dead, they're lying to me, aren't they Aman?"
"Khushi, he was executed."
Aman's voice broke, the words taking great effort. She shook her head again, and Arnav heard the anger in her voice as it shook, the tears now spilling down her cheeks unchecked.
"Stop lying to me, Aman! Don't lie to me too! I thought you would believe me, I thought you would understand! How could you, Aman? How could you believe them?! I thought- I thought you wouldn't! Stop lying to me!"
She said, shaking him as the tears ran down her face like an angry river, her eyes red from the sting of the salt. She didn't bother wiping them away as she accused Aman of lying to her, shaking her head frantically as she ignored his gentle words, trying to shake herself out of his grip.
Arnav's stomach lurched as he stared at the hysterical woman who was his wife, unable to recognize her. His heart froze, his heart thudding irregularly as his body shook. He didn't notice the tears that slid down his own cheeks, unable to stop them.
He reached out to her, murmuring her name softly, but she refused to look at him. He felt the fear settle in as she tried to wrench herself away from them, struggling in his gentle grasp.
"Don't lie to me! I'll go find him myself, I'll- I'll do something, I won't stand by and let them do this to him, I won't! I'll find where he is, I'll, I'll-"
"Khushi, he's gone."
The words silenced her, and she stared blankly at Aman. She stopped struggling in Arnav's grip, her entire body shaking as her shoulder shook with sobs, her breath coming in hiccuping gasps.
Arnav had never felt fear so intense, a chill in his veins as he watched his wife's face drain of color. The hazel orbs that were so full of life were eerily devoid of emotion, the only sign of her devastation the shaky breaths she struggled to take.
She shook her head slowly, and Aman caught her as she nearly sunk to the ground.
"No, no, no, he can't be dead, he can't be."
She chanted, rocking back and forth as Aman wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into him. Arnav continued to hold her hand, feeling like an outsider as she took refuge in his brother-in-law's arms, her tears staining his shirt as she cried, unable to stop.
"He's dead, Khushi, NK is dead."
Aman murmured, his tears splashing onto the top of her head as he closed his eyes in shared pain. Arnav watched the two of them, feeling helpless as he was unable to stop his wife's pain, unable to whisk her away and make it disappear.
Khushi's sobs slowly grew silent, her hands still fisted in Aman's shirt. Aman slowly untangled her from him, searching her face, the tears staining her cheeks. The light had disappeared from her eyes, blank and unemotional as she stared ahead.
They slowly walked home, with Aman supporting Khushi as Arnav followed closely behind. He couldn't take his eyes off of the pair, feeling distant from them despite his proximity to them.
Aman would know her better. Aman would know what to do.
He knew that. But he wouldn't settle until he could hold her. He needed to touch her, pull her into his arms until the world around them disappeared along with the pain she felt.
He had never felt anyone's pain so acutely as he felt hers. It was as if every tear stung sharper, his heart ached just a little bit more, and yet, he couldn't do a damned thing about it.
Nothing he could say would stop her pain, and he hated that.
He hated it.
His eyes fell on the proud statue of her Devi Maiyya, watching over them with a small smile. He stopped in front of her, his eyes slowly taking in the red powder clumped at her forehead, the worn paint of her features, the burnt out wick sitting in the oil in the small diya.
He had never prayed in his life, always doing it to appease his mother. But for the first time, he closed his eyes, and murmured a single request.
Take her pain away.
*********
Note: And that's where I'll leave you for today. Finally, the sword of Damocles- as SS88 called it- has come down. I hope you liked it! Please let me know what you thought through a like or a comment.
A special shoutout to Mirabell- I love you so very, very much, river :)
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If you would prefer to read on the blog, click HERE.
Love always,
Choti.
Edited by chotidesi - 9 years ago
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