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THOSE THREE WORDS
Part 1
Arnav
I watch as my wife gazes at the moon and silently cries. She thinks I don't know. She thinks I cannot notice the pain in her eyes the fleets back every now and then. She thinks I have never seen her wipe her tears and quickly give me a bright smile. It's the same smile I fell in love with a year ago when I first saw her. Her smile still makes me go weak in the knees, like it did that day, especially now when she reserves her best smiles for me. The moment she sees me, the smile comes on and her eyes sparkle with joy. But I also know that the sparkle in her eye is at least partly due to a hidden tear that permanently resides at a corner.
The worst part is, that tear is so far away from my reach, I cannot even wipe it.
Oh Khushi, when would you realize that I love all of you - your brightness as much as your darkness? When will you let me in?
Khushi
I quickly wipe my traitorous tears as I hear him enter the room. He's early. I turn around and my heart does an automatic flutter on seeing him. He smiles and opens his arms and I rush into them without thinking. For goodness sake, he was gone for just one night. It was less than 36 hours ago when I last saw him, and yet, my body craves to be held by him like the drought's been here for years. Indeed, last night, sleeping without him the bed felt cold and strange. Hard and rough, even. I hate his work trips, even though he has cut down so much since we got married.
I breathe finally as he envelopes me in his embrace.
Oh Mr. Arnav Singh Raizada, I don't know how, but you have become my drug addiction.
Arnav
She steps back from the embrace and a warm smile is plastered to her face. She blabbers on with questions about my day, my trip, my work, what exactly I ate and God knows what else. I have answered half these questions on text already, and she is not even pausing for answers as she walks around the room hanging my coat, handing me water, taking out my clothes etc. So I quit listening to what she is saying and just watch her. She is such a bundle of energy, my Khushi. She has so much life, so much passion in her. And yet, she holds something back. I haven't yet understood why. We have been married eight months and in these months, the one thing I have been convinced of is that Khushi's laughter and her constant chattering are for everyone, but her silence...her silence is only hers.
"Why are you still standing here? Go freshen up and change. I will get dinner ready." she hovers over me and shoves me towards the washroom.
"Khushi, I love you." I say, and her eyes look straight into mine. She smiles, like always. Her only response.
"Now go." she says and walks out of the room herself.
Oh Khushi, I know you love me just as much, if not more. But I'd love to hear you say it as easily as you say everything else. I'd love to hear those three words.
Khushi
I shut off the lights and slip in the bed, and he immediately pulls me closer towards him. I roll over and let my hand rest on his chest and feel his heartbeat. His embrace is comforting and safe. His heart beats feel like an anchor to my life. He strokes my arms with love as we lie in a soothing silence. Yes, he loves me. I don't know why. I don't understand what I did to deserve so much love and care from him.
I want to tell him I love him too. How could I not, with everything he's done for me, it's like I had no choice.
But when I open my mouth, the only words that come out are "I missed you, Arnav."
Which is true. I missed him like crazy. But it's not enough. There is so much more I feel that I don't have the courage to put words on. Not since...
He turns towards me and gently says "I missed you too, jaan." I bend forward to kiss him, hoping my lips would tell his lips what my words wouldn't. Hoping he would know.
Oh Arnav, I wish you know that I love you with every bit of me that's fit for loving someone as perfect as you.
Arnav
Her kiss is thirsty, as if it is searching for something. Immediately, it reminds me of our first kiss. It was three months after our engagement, a month after our marriage and the last day of our delayed week-long honeymoon. I have been in love with her ever since I first met her. I was in love with her when I pestered my mother to take my proposal to her family when it became clear to me she wasn't going to consider a relationship with anyone. I was in love with her when we had our first proper conversation in a cafe after our parents had met and had left it to us to decide for ourselves. I was in love with her when she shyly tried to answer my questions, ask why I wanted to marry her and tried to tell me more about herself, her eccentricities, her past.
But until that night of the last day of our honeymoon, I couldn't get myself to tell her how much I love her. Not in words, at least. Not even when she didn't pull her hand away from mine that evening when I walked out of the cafe. Not even when she assured me on our wedding night she was comfortable sleeping on the bed with me and would prefer a little time for more, but would co-operate if I wanted more right away. Or even when I'd seen her blush in the mirror after I gently pecked her cheek on my way out three days after our marriage. Or even when she ran into my arms when I got back home from a week-long work trip that couldn't be postponed. That one was immediately before our honeymoon. That was the first night I pulled her into my arms as she came to bed and we slept cuddled together. She didn't protest, and I never slept better. But it took me a whole week after that to put words to the biggest truth of my life!
"I really, truly love you Khushi. From the bottom of my heart. I cannot live..."I had held her hands, sat in front of her and finally confessed after a long rambling speech of what she meant to me and how happy I was that she was a part of my life. Immediately, tears streaked down her cheeks. My words struck in my throat as I panicked, not knowing whether her tears were of joy or sadness. My hands automatically left hers, fearing irreversible damage from my love confession as I saw tears fall from her eyes faster than a torrential downpour. Not knowing what to do, I pulled back, disappointment and a heavy gloom taking over each cell of my body.
Moments later, I felt her lips over mine as she threw herself on me. I was stunned but managed to recover as I wrapped my arms around her. She was still crying and I pulled away from her face to wipe her tears, but more fell. "Hum bhi..." she whispered, her voice almost inaudible, before I took her lips in mine and deepened the kiss.
That's the closest she ever got to voicing her love. She loves me, I know that. But what would I give to hear her say those three words!
That night, as we made love for the first time, I repeated the words several times to her and each time she either smiled or kissed me back. The same thing happens tonight. We make love and she moans my name as she comes apart in my arms. I hug her tight and tell her how much I love her. She snuggles in my arms and says "I know."
Oh Khushi, you give me everything, and I still want more. I want to love the parts of you even you don't love yourself.
Udne Ki Aasha
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