Thank you everyone for your feedback as well as your patience. In order to make up for the prolonged delay, there is a kind of a surprise for you in the second half of the chapter. I hope you enjoy.
41. Letting Go
Not all silences are a sign of the brewing or the passing of a storm. Some silences are storms in themselves. They destruct in their stationary state. They scream, cry and howl in their muteness. They kill in their own unique way. These are the most dangerous silences.
It was in such a silence that I saw him walk away from me. The deafening claps of thunder, the angry growls of the heavy clouds, the loud splashes of the thick sheets of rain, all of it paled in front of what was going inside me. There was a storm raging inside me, a storm which was threatening to swallow me.
Giving up on the weight of my body, my knees buckled under me, making me thump on the wet grass. I did not have the energy to get back up so I gathered my knees and held them close to my chest, staring at the darkness which surrounded me. I was all alone and with renewed intensity, I felt like I had brought this loneliness upon myself.
The rain continued to splash as I sat there without any sense of the passing time, staring at some vague point into the darkness. It was not until the dark sky began to lighten as the dawn broke to give way to the morning that I woke from my sleep-like trance. Tired and heavy, my mind forced me to push myself off the ground and onto my feet. I trudged out of the meadow and turned towards home. It was the most difficult walk of my life, even more difficult from the first time I had walked after sitting in the wheelchair for a couple of months after my dreadful accident. The thick sheets of rain had transformed to a light drizzle, but it fell without a pause.
There were no taxis on the road at this time, and even if there were any, I did not have any money to hire one to get home, so I walked all the way back. By the time I reached my apartment, my legs were aching severely and I felt drained of all energy. The only thing I bothered doing before getting under the blankets was to change my clothes into a dry shirt and pyjamas.
As soon as my eyes closed, I heard my phone ringing. It was incessant, forcing me to reach for it on the bedside table. It was Raya.
"Hello, Di? Thank God you finally answered! Where have you been all day yesterday? I called you so many times and you didn't answer your phone. I came to your place but you weren't home. Vyan, Anaya, G, nobody knew where you were. Do you know how worried sick I've been?! Di? Are you there? Di?!"
Hearing her partly relieved voice made me realise how much stress I had given her.
"Yes, Raya. I'm fine. I've just been out all day and I'm really tired and sleepy."
"Out? Where? With whom?"
"Raya, I'm really tired and I don't have the energy to talk right now. I'll tell you everything later but please let me sleep now."
"But Di..."
"Please." I sounded so weary that she agreed hesitantly and I cut the call, letting my heavy lids fall and sleep take over me.
Some constant humming sounds woke me up. They were annoying me and forced me to open my drowsy lids. It took a moment for my vision to clear only to see a crowd around me.
"Raya?" My voice croaked, only allowing a broken whisper to escape but that was enough to get her attention. She turned to me and put a hand on my cheek.
"Sshh, Di! It's alright. We're here." Her hand stroked my cheek and another cold hand touched my forehead. I turned my head a bit, it was throbbing really badly, which made me squeeze my eyes shut.
"How do you feel now, dear?" Sweet, soft and motherly. It was my Mamma. I was about to smile but the relief was short lived for I soon realised it was not my Mamma. It was Maan's mother.
"I think it would be best if we..." My ears felt blocked as I tried to strain on what the unidentified male voice was saying. I heard a couple of murmurs around me before sleep eroded my senses once again.
It was dark all around me, nobody could be seen. I called and called for everyone but there was no one who could hear me.
"Mamma..." My voice echoed back to me.
"Baba..." I whirled to see if he could hear me when somebody snorted. I turned to see a tall silhouette of a broad-shouldered man.
"They will never come back." The voice was laced with contempt.
"Why?" I whispered fearfully.
The man stepped forward and a ray of light fell on his face.
"You killed them, Geet." Maan pointed towards me. I stumbled backwards.
"No..."
"Yes!" His voice boomed.
"It was an accident..."
"You killed them, Geet..." I looked into the familiar chocolate brown eyes but they were not warm as ever. They were hard and spewing hate. It was not my Maan. "You killed us..."
I inhaled sharply, my eyes wide, my mouth dry. "I killed... you?"
"Yes!" He hissed. "You killed me."
His words resounded in my ears, my brain played them over and over again, my body began to shake hard and my breath ran short. I gasped and opened my eyes to white surroundings. Where was I? The constant beeping of something was familiar. As my vision cleared and my mind registered where I was, a strong sense of dj vu hit me, making it difficult to breathe. A few short breaths were all I could take before I got a nasty coughing fit. I could feel people around me panicking, one hand raising my head a bit to clear my throat, another hand rubbing my back. Somebody called for the doctor as someone else held a glass of water to my lips.
When the coughs subsided, I was laid back down on the pillow as the doctor told a worried Raya not to stress too much about the fit.
"How do you feel now, Di?" I took a look around me. Most of the faces I knew were present. Raya, Raunaq, Anaya, G, Mrs. Khurana, they all were looking at me worriedly.
I nodded in response to Raya as I questioned, in a voice which sounded strange and hoarse, why I was in a hospital.
"You were running a high fever, Di. When I found you in your apartment yesterday morning, I got scared and called everyone. Seeing that you were so pale and looked so weak and had a high fever, the doctor recommended that you be admitted for a couple of days."
"I don't want to stay here." I frowned. Raya understood why as she caressed my forehead tenderly.
"I know, Di, and I will take you home soon." I did not want to look into her eyes as she continued in a soft voice. "But first, I need to know why and how you got wet in the rain."
Strong flashbacks of what had passed the other night filled my mind at the same time that my eyes fell on the door where somebody was standing silently. Our eyes met and I remembered the nightmare I had just had.
"Di?" Raya called for my attention and I closed my eyes.
"I want to sleep, Raya." It was all I needed to say and I had my way. Everyone silently exited the room, leaving me to my own thoughts.
********************She closed her eyes, shutting herself off from every single person present around her, and if I did not know her better, I would have believed it was only my presence which was stopping her from opening up, at least to her sister. Geet was not a person who would share her sorrows, her thoughts and her burdens as easily, who would know that better than me?
Everyone began to exit the room when she closed her eyes and pretended to sleep, but we all knew it was a farce. I avoided Mom's accusatory gaze when she passed me. I could understand what was in her eyes because as observant as my mother was, she must have seen my eye contact with Geet just before she demanded to be left alone.
Instead of meeting my mother's eyes, I looked through the glass window on the hospital door which gave an unobstructed view of the creepily still, alarmingly pale and weak form of the woman who lay there. Geet. It was a strange, unpleasant feeling to see her like that. The dark circles rimming her eyes and her sunken cheeks made her look like a different woman from the one I had seen just one day ago, although I had to admit that she was not much healthy then either.
Looking at her, I remembered yesterday morning, when I had come to know Geet was unwell. Mom was sitting in the living room, holding the phone up to her ear when I had bounded down the stairs in a hurry to get to the office. I was running late because I had had a sleepless night. I had fallen asleep on the recliner in the early hours of the morning, only to be rudely woken up by my shrill alarm. The headache had willingly added up to my sour mood.
"Maan, wait." Mom had stopped me when I was just about to step out of the house. I had turned to see her put the phone away, worry etched on her face. "Anaya just called. She said Geet is really ill. She's running a high fever and Raya told her that Geet is unconscious at the moment. Anaya is going to Geet's place now."
Hearing the news, I had felt unrest rise within me but I had kept a straight face since Mom was waiting for my reaction. "Why don't you go see her then?"
Mom had nodded slowly. "Yes, I'm just going. Won't you come along?" I had only shaken my head in response and told Mom that I needed to reach the office for a meeting, and that I would visit her later. Mom was scrutinising my face so I had quickly exited the house before she said anything at all.
All through the day, I had tried to concentrate on my work but it was useless. I wanted to believe it was because of the constant headache but I knew that was not all there was to my lack of concentration. At lunch time, I had finally given up and called Mom to discretely inquire about Geet's health. It was a shock to know she had been hospitalised. I had not expected her to have fallen so ill after the previous night.
Somebody sighed as they came to stand beside me, pulling me out of my reverie. Turning my head just a fraction, I realised it was Raya. She was so worried for her sister. Who wouldn't be worried if their sister was in such a condition? And especially when she did not know the main reason of that condition. I felt a drowning feeling within me as it dawned on me that I had played a role in bringing Raya's sister to the condition she was in at the moment.
"She was with you, wasn't she?" Stunned, I whipped my head to the side to look at Raya. Her voice was low, her expressions unchanged and her eyes fixed upon her sister. She was not questioning me. She had said it like she knew it. I did not answer because I could not lie to her. She already looked so forlorn that the sigh she let out at my silence felt like a burden on my conscience.
My mind was pulled to yesternight, when I had had a confrontation with Mom after returning from the office. I had entered the room while loosening my tie, ready to end the weary day only to halt at the sight of Mom sitting on the recliner in the dim light of my room.
"Mom?" I had called her. "What's wrong?"
She had opened her eyes and straightened up as I had switched the lights on. "I was waiting for you."
"Is everything alright?" It was not an uncommon sight to find Mom in my room at my return from the office but something about her voice alerted me.
"Who were you with last night, Maan?" The point blank question had thrown me off guard for a few moments as I had stared at Mom. Gaining my senses, I had turned around and pretended to be normal. "I was alone."
"It was Geet, wasn't it?" She had ignored my lie and continued with conviction. I had avoided her eyes.
"I don't know what makes you think so." At my words, she had come to stand in front of where I was sitting on the bed to take off my shoes.
"Do you know how Geet has fallen sick?" I had shaken my head as my eyes took in the way Mom was standing, her arms crossed across her chest and her stance that of an interrogator. "The doctor says she's been in the rain for hours on end last night."
"So?" I had kept my voice as nonchalant as I could. "It was raining in the whole city. Besides, she's mature enough to know staying in the rain for hours would make her sick. Not seeking some sort of shelter must have been her choice. What makes you believe she was with me?"
Mom had raised an eyebrow. "Maan, I am your mother." Her voice had steeled, something I had seldom heard in my life. "Do not think you can fool me as easily. As for Geet, she is sensible enough to avoid staying in the rain for as long as she has, unless of course, there is a grave reason... or if she is mentally shaken or upset." My eyes, which had wandered around the room, sped back to Mom's face. She was already studying me minutely. With her eyes sharply set on my face, she had continued. "Geet has not gained consciousness the whole day, and the doctor says it is because she has faced a lot of stress. I am not an imbecile to not put two and two together, especially after seeing you like that last night."
Deciding it was no use of lying to Mom, I had stood up and turned away from her. "I don't want to talk about this, Mom. What has happened has happened. She won't die-"
"Maan!" Mom had screamed, pained at the picture my words had begun to paint. Only at her voice had I realised what a dreadful thing I had said.
"Enough of your callousness, Maan! Enough of it!" Her voice had resounded in the room, stunning me with the anger filled in it. It was rare to find Mom angry and this was one of the rare times.
"Mom please." I had still tried to counter her but she had silenced me.
"What please? I never thought that my son could be so stone hearted to talk of someone's death so easily, and that too, the death of Geet, your friend."
I had whirled around to face Mom. "She's not my friend any more. She doesn't mean anything to me. I don't care where she is, how she is and what she does."
"Stop it, Maan! Stop lying to yourself! You care, that is why you still can't let go. You care, that is why you have been unnerved since she came back. You care, that is why you called me in the afternoon to check on her."
"Mom, I-"
"Not another lie, please Maan." Mom had not let me speak. "All I want to say is that, don't ruin your present while cursing your past. Stop burdening yourself and her." I had shuffled restlessly on my feet as Mom had continued in a firm voice. "Get it over with and let bygones be bygones."
With that said, Mom had stormed out of my room, leaving me to ponder on her words. I had thumped on the bed and thought for a long time. She deserves to be burdened for what she has done, a part of my mind spoke, but another immediately negated it. If I don't deserve to hurt and ache over something that happened seven years ago, how can I say that somebody else deserves the punishment for it now, my brain told me.
It was a long night, which made me think back and forth many a times. I had not come to any conclusion but when Mom had asked me to take her to the hospital this morning, I had easily agreed. Perhaps it was the strict voice she addressed me with, or maybe somewhere deep within me, I wanted to see Geet myself.
"You know, Maan," Raya's low voice continued as she pulled me out of my thoughts yet again. "It's been a year but Di has not forgiven herself. She never talks about it but I know she thinks she ki-" she took a deep breath and gathered the courage to speak, "that she killed our parents, that she orphaned me."
My eyes moved from Raya's strained face to Geet's fragile form. "Why don't you make her believe otherwise?" When Raya looked at me, I realised my question could be termed as stupid.
"You think it is as easy, Maan?" I looked at her. "You think I didn't try? You know Di better than to think it'll be easy to sway her from something she has her mind set upon."
I looked away from her eyes. She was right. I knew Geet better. She might be soft-hearted and sensitive but she was a lot more stubborn.
"Once, when we were little," I heard Raya chuckle slightly and became curious about what she was going to say, "we were both playing hide and seek. It was my turn to look for her. She was hiding inside the closet, I knew that. I stood in front of the closet, pretending that I didn't know where she was, and called for her. In and effort to scare me, she pushed the closet doors open forcefully and one of the doors hit me here." Raya touched her right arm just above the elbow. "I screamed, and she was immediately frantic. She jumped out of the closet and started apologising and rubbing my arm. I winced in pain and she winced with me. When she turned my arm to see the damage, it had already begun to bruise. She was so horrified that she started crying as she said sorry a thousand times. I ended up consoling her to lessen her guilt." Raya laughed slightly as a small smile touched my lips too while our eyes were fixed on the person lying on the hospital bed.
"Someone who can cry uncontrollably for hurting her sister unintentionally," Raya began in a low voice, all signs of laughter gone, "can not forgive herself so easily for being involved in an accident which killed their parents." I agreed with her in my heart. "Geet Di is the kind of person who will never let herself off the hook for hurting anyone intentionally or," I saw Raya turn to look at me with her eyes trying to convey more, "unintentionally."
Raya's attention was called by Raunaq, but she had made her message clear to me. Unlike the last night when I had gotten angry at Mom for siding with Geet, I felt no anger rise within me at Raya and what she had said. Perhaps the calmer I was, the clearer it was for me to think sensibly, to call a spade a spade.
Jess called and I had to leave for a lunch meeting. At the hospital entrance, I briefly met Ayush and Vyan Raheja, who had just arrived but since I was in a hurry, I did not stay long enough to chat with them. I had only gathered enough concentration to attend the meeting, else all my attention was back at the hospital.
As I drove home that night, I thought about many things. I remembered my argument with Geet on Sunday night. I had been unfair on my part. I was hurting, yes. Geet was the cause of it, yes. It still made a difference to me, yes. But did that mean I was to blame her for not loving me as I loved her? No. If I had to think impartially, she was not completely at fault. If I was young back then, so was she. If I could be scared of confessing my love for so long, how could I expect her to fearlessly accept it?
So like Mom had said, should I let bygones be bygones? Should I start afresh with the thought that she was just another woman? Maybe Mom was right. I drove at a slow speed as I recalled the night of argument.
I had been disgusted with myself at wanting to kiss her even after all that argument. Why did she not stop me? I had tried to enter the house as quietly as I could but Mom was sitting right in the living room. Seeing me soaked through and through, she had hurriedly called the servant to get a towel. I had not wanted Mom to know what had just passed between me and her darling Geet so I had to stay in the living room for a couple of minutes as she rubbed the towel on my wet hair.
"Where have you been in such a storm? I was so worried. How did you get so wet?" Mom had spoken in a tense voice while her hands vigorously moved the towel.
I could not tell Mom the truth. "I went for a walk when the rain started. By the time I got to the car, I was completely wet." I had hidden the truth but I had not lied completely.
"Okay." The simple woman that Mom was, she had easily accepted my explanation. "Quickly go and change, or you'll catch a cold."
I had softly caressed Mom's hand which was patting my back before getting on my feet to obey what she had said.
"Maan..." Her voice had reached my ears when I was just a few steps away, so I had turned to face her. "Why do you look so tense?" Mom might be simple but she was not ignorant, especially when it came to her children.
"Nothing, Mom. I'm just tired." I knew I had sounded low, and perhaps I had appeared to be tense, which had alerted Mom, but my excuse was valid enough for her to let me go to my room and rest.
Rest had been the last thing on my mind when I shut the door to my room and just stood there as I stared at nothing in particular. What had happened today? My mind had been full of questions, confusions and most of all, fury over the person who was the root cause of every emotional pain I had suffered in the last seven years. Even more so, I had wanted to beat myself up for having loved such a selfish person once.
Pacing around the room, I had remembered each and every moment from my time in college, not with fondness, rather with a mixture of sadness, pain and anger. I had been such a fool to let my feet carry me to that common room where she used to sit. I had been crazy to allow my heartbeat to rise when I got the opportunity to work with her. She had never thought of me as anything more than just another person. All those times I spent with her did not mean as much to her as they did to me. Why had I let her smile charm me? Why had I let her personality amaze me? Why had I been impressed by everything she did and her way of doing it? I had been the fool to cherish everything about her, even the memorabilia she left behind.
I had reached my cupboard and opened the safe by now. My hand had reached for the desired object itself and pulled it out for me to stare at it. There was nothing special about the simple hair clip, the kind that could pull long, lustrous hair into a bun. As I had remembered that sunny day on the beach with the group of my college friends, only one face stood out, the one that I had treasured beyond limits at a point of time. No more, I had thought as my body lowered itself on the recliner by the glass wall which overlooked the vast gardens behind the mansion. No more was that face precious for me, I had firmly told myself even as my fingers toyed with the hair clip. No more was I going to fight my feelings because no more feelings were left within me except hatred towards her. It had been one of the last thoughts in my mind as I had sat there at the recliner that night, promising myself I would not let my heart lead me anymore.
Stomping hardly on the brakes, I came back to the present and noticed I had driven all the way to the hospital rather than going home. It was late in the night so there was little activity outside the hospital. At first I thought I should go home but then I saw Raya's car in the parking area and remembered how she had been so sure in the morning about Geet and I being together. How had she been so sure? It was something which had pinched me the whole day and I wanted the answer to it so I parked the car and went inside the building towards where geet's room was.
Raunaq was there too, talking with Raya. I paused for a moment, rethinking about going ahead and meeting her but Raya saw me and smiled at me with a nod of greeting, giving me the push I needed to go and stand in front of her.
"Hi, Maan! How come you're here at this time?" I quickly hunted for a suitable excuse which could be given as an answer to Raunaq's question.
"Mom sent me to check on Geet." I lied smoothly and Raunaq bought it.
"Well, go ahead and see while I'll take my leave." He briefly excused himself, dropped a light kiss on Raya's forehead and sprinted towards the exit while Raya and I gazed at his disappearing form.
A moment later, I turned to look inside the room through the glass window to see Geet lying on her side. Her face had some colour now and she looked a little better than in the morning. Her eyes were closed so I assumed she was asleep.
"You didn't have to lie, Maan." Raya's voice pulled my eyes towards her to see her looking at me.
"Uhh..." I had no answer to that.
"Aunty just called ten minutes ago to check on Di." My face flushed at being caught so obviously. "So what brings you here at this time?" She asked after a moment's enjoyment at my expense.
"I have a question." I controlled the embarrassment and decided to ask what I had come for. She patiently gazed at me, waiting for me to ask whatever I wanted. "How did you know with so much certainty that Geet was with me?"
At my question, she gave a small smile before looking at her sister. "She shares every single thing with me, every little detail of her life. It is a habit we both have formed since our brother..." She looked at me unsurely but I nodded, letting her know that I knew about their brother who had passed away when he was young. "Since then, there has never been a single thing she hasn't told me about except one."
"And what's that?" I asked.
"You." I frowned, not knowing what to make of it.
"Why?" Curiosity pushed me to inquire.
"I don't know." She shrugged. "Perhaps she thinks the matters between you and her should always remain between you two."
This struck me. "So she never told you about... what happened... seven years...?"
Raya shook her head. "No."
I did not know why but I felt a mixture of emotions rise within me. I was shocked, I was perplexed, but most of all, I was awestruck. Was Geet really so strong to keep all of it within her and still live happily, if only superficially? Was she white blooded that everything had no effect on her or was she really so deep to keep all the pain within her? My heart wanted to believe the latter, especially seeing her lying on that hospital bed like that. I just knew Geet was not cold hearted, at least not as much as I thought her to be.
As I stared at her through the glass window, I remembered Sunday night when we had both argued. A flash of the days of college passed through my mind. I recalled my anger at having been betrayed by her. At last, my mind replayed Mom's advice while my heart whispered to let it go now, to relieve all my own pains as well as some of hers.
I saw Geet moving a bit on her bed, opening her eyes and looking around, and I wanted to go inside and talk to her. I did not know what I would say, all I knew was that I had to go and talk right at the moment.
"Can I go and talk to her?" I sought permission from Raya in a whisper. I did not want to let the turmoil within me to be visible for her to see.
She looked at me doubtfully, as if unsure of letting her sister be alone with me.
"I won't hurt her, I promise." At my reassurance, she gave a slight nod.
"I'll go get myself some coffee from the cafeteria until then." With that, she turned around and walked away. I knew she had just gone to give us the privacy, and the trust she had shown in me just now awed me.
Taking a deep breath, I pushed the door open very carefully and with noiseless steps, walked towards the stool beside the bed. Geet, unaware of my arrival, tried to reach for the glass of water on the bedside table but she had to strain to reach it. Only when I intervened and picked up the glass, did she notice me. Her reaction was spontaneous as she shrunk away from me, immediately pulling her hand away. I patiently held the glass in front of her until her eyes stopped flickering around the room as if to search for some kind of a rescue from me. After a couple of long seconds, I saw her body a bit relaxed as she hesitantly took the glass and raised herself for a few sips. I briefly considered supporting her neck as she drank the water but then shunned the idea.
Sitting down on the stool, I took the glass back from her when she tried to put it on the table and placed it myself. She was silent and so I was quiet too. I could hear the wall clock ticking by loudly and the only other sound in the room was our breathing.
As I raised my eyes to look at her, I saw her looking at me curiously but she averted her gaze as soon as it met mine. It was in that moment that I knew what I wanted to say. It was in that moment that I knew this was it. It was in that moment that I was saying it from the depth of my heart.
"Geet..." She hesitantly looked at me. "I forgive you."
I hope you enjoyed reading Maan's narrative, which was actually the little surprise. Please know that, as promised earlier, Maan's narrative will only come in as and when needed, otherwise the story will continue through Geet's eyes.
Edited by mayyo - 7 years ago
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