#4 Ashlok Dark FF - My Ransacked Heart/ UPDATED/ Chapter 55/ (Pg-147) - Page 35

Feeling No Feelings

You'll never understand

This sadness and misery

Beyond just motions

They reigns over me

I keep trying to stand

Then I am back down on my knees

I don't need a hand

I am beyond just weak

Soon, I am flat on the ground

Now I've nowhere left to fall

I can't stand this pain

I'd rather feel nothing

I'd rather feel nothing at all

In one moment I was feeling everything ~ and I was feeling nothing ~

Kami Garcia, Beautiful Creatures

"Nobody could love you Shlok", a woman whispered. "You are a scarred monster and people don't ever love monsters", she gave a mocking laugh. "You are a fumbling idiot Shlok, not a man at all", her laughter was gathering force inside his head acting like a sharp-edged knife cutting great chunks out of his heart...

And he didn't know what to feel anymore, sometimes he felt as he had no feelings at all and sometimes he felt as if he felt all those emotions in the world that didn't even existed in the dictionary of emotions...

He was nothing...

"No", he whispered and wrenched his mouth away from Astha's, who mewled like a lost kitten trying to move his mouth back to hers, aching for the feel of his strong arms around her. "No princess", he said firmly and backed away severing all bodily contact from her. Her hand fell defeated at her sides, her fingers curling hopelessly as the pain of loss gained momentum in her heart.

Her knees shook and she felt as if she would dissolve in a molten puddle of forbidden longing. There was silence except the sound of their panting breaths and the wind rustling the leaves. Gone was the magic of the moonlight and the breeze. In its place was dark shadows lurking everywhere, trees looking like gigantic monsters encircling them, nightly creatures howling in the deeper dense growth of the forest and the moon was nothing but a shiny big ball of luminescence staring at them from faraway just as Shlok was out of her reach...

The words I love you hovered over her tongue but she bit them back in time. Thank God she hadn't uttered them as she was going to in a weak moment but for how much long she could abstain herself from confessing her love to him she didn't know...

Shlok cleared his throat suddenly startling her out of her reverie. "Come on inside princess", his voice was empty, devoid of any hint of emotion. The mask was back and his shadowed form seemed remote and unapproachable again.

Maybe it was an illusion, maybe she did mistake the yearning and the need in his call or maybe he knew how to mask his vulnerable emotions just like she was doing now. She would believe the later half after this as he really knew well how to put up a rude and callous upfront, she thought and a hint of a secret smile lit up her face as she thought of testing her theory...

"Dreaming again princess, do you need an invitation to go back inside", his irritated voice touched her eardrums like a bullet and she winced. But now was not the time to get back at him so she tried another method of irritating him. "Yes in blood please", her eyes were dancing merrily at her own joke but he was unable to see her expressions in the shadowed moonlight.

He looked taken aback for a moment or maybe too irritated with her to answer but he shook his head with irritation and began striding towards the exit or probably which he thought was the exit because for her it seemed that there was no way out only one way in. She shook her head to shake away the disturbing thoughts and began trotting behind him at a steady pace. After sometime of her following his lead she noticed that he was limping.

It wasn't obvious on the first glance but after sometime of seeing him walking stiffly ahead she noticed the limp. He didn't limp so why was he limping now, she frowned. "Princess we have arrived can you please enter inside your palace", he took a mock bow.

When did they reach his room Astha didn't know. she thought throwing a hesitant glance at his effected leg then raised her glance to look into his dark eyes which were shining with irritation. "Pig-headed man", she muttered to herself. "What did you say?", he frowned at her. "Nothing of your interest and when did you become interested in whatever I say?", she arched a questioning eyebrow.

"Using my own method on me princess", a hint of a smile curled the corner of his lips. "Praising your ownself, sorry I don't give you that much importance to use your methods", she answered coldly. Hi s lips compressed in a thin line. "Don't think of sharpening your claws against me kitten, you know what can happen if you do that", he warned still smiling that same strange smile, but now a dangerous light had crept up in his obsidian eyes.

"Yeah I know ", She pursed her lips and hitched her stubborn chin to look boldly up at him. "Then do remember it I don't like repeating the same thing again and again", he tapped an insolent finger at her temple. "Will do", she answered coldly then swinging away from him headed towards his bed and before he could utter a single warning she lifted up the bed covers and ducked inside.

"Hey what the heck are you doing princess?", he angrily addressed her wriggling form. "Don't you see trying to sleep", she yawned, trying to find a comfortable spot in the pillow to set her head on. "That's my bed princess and I don't want you to sleep with me", he was now tugging at the corner of blanket. "Don't tell me that you never slept with your mistress", the blanket slid down a little and two astonished eyes peeked at him from above it.

"No I sleep alone, the mistresses used to sleep in your room so you will be sleeping their too as your title suggest", he answered rudely. A humiliating color turned her earlobes a bright red but she refused to back down, he wanted to humiliate her well he was welcome to do so, but he won't be getting the satisfaction of seeing her flounder like a fish before him.

"Well it's your first time then, do make an exception with me, I promise I won't kick you down the bed in the middle of the night as I think your other mistresses did to you", she answered in a fake innocent tone."Well you've got to be kidding me princess", an expression of disbelief showed from his face and she buried a secret smile in her heart at seeing his astounded expressions.

"So can I sleep here", she asked cheerfully getting up on her knees on the bed, while inside her heart was beating a nervous tattoo against her ribs. "Why?", he asked thoughtfully, his assessing gaze was boring holes inside her body.

"I am afraid of sleeping alone and that bed in my room is quite lumpy and uncomfortable", her voice trailed away as he stared unflinchingly at her. It was the lamest excuse that she had the chance of coming across at and even his basilisk stare indicated that. "You know you are playing with fire princess", he answered dangerously while wrapping a stray curl of hers around his finger. She stared transfixed at his face that was coming closer with every second. A dangerous thrilling sensation trickled down her stomach...

"It was only a trailer that I showed you princess you still don't know the extent to which I could go if given the hint by you", he gave a tug on the strand of her hair and his hot breath whispered on her face. You haven't still seen the side of me that even I am afraid to bring it to the forefront", his voice was soft yet dark, his threat disturbing yet she felt no danger just a nervous excitement unfurling in the pit of her stomach.

Seen his worst side and knowing his vulnerable side she felt no longer afraid of him. He was just a human like her, what he could do more that he hadn't done to her already, she thought and all the fear went up in a wisp, vanishing from her heart.

"I just asked a simple question that can I sleep here and you started threatening me, do you eat threats and warnings as breakfast and dinner", she made a face. "No princess but I've got a good mind to shut your mouth with a new method that I came across today, should I show it to you", he smiled darkly. "Yes master", she refused to back down. A willful smile touched the corner of his lips at her audacious answer.

"Go to sleep princess", he was moving away from her. Astha felt a feeling of deep loss in the pit of her stomach which she couldn't give a name to. Her heart was heavy and she felt a deep urge to cry as he headed towards the other side of the bed. "But don't hog down the middle okay", he said in a muffled tone from behind the blanket which he had wrapped around his head.

"Excuse me are you comparing me with a pig?", she asked sharply. "Whatever you think princess it's your own headache but don't come near me in the night, I don't like my mistresses going all lovey dovey on me", he answered rudely.

"The gal of the man, like I am dying for him to touch me", she sucked in an angry breath but her heart missed a beat at the thought of him touching her and the vision of him kissing and licking all over her body flashed across her mind. She turned away hastily from him, burrowing back beneath the bed covers, but then poked out her face from behind the blankets...

"Don't worry I won't touch you with a twenty feet barge pole", she muttered angrily for his benefit. "Good for you princess", his voice was drowsy. Going to sleep already, while her sleep had went away somewhere, she thought angrily, scratching irritably at her elbow. She wriggled deeper in the bedcovers as the skin of her feet began to itch horribly. She stuck out her feet from behind the covers and scratched at it, frustrated with her sleepless state. "Don't shake the bed", he mumbled drowsily.

"I am not", she snapped at him but he had again gone back to sleep. For the whole night she lay with her eyes opened wide and staring at the ceiling while he slept peacefully beside her. Her head had begun to ache and the ceiling had started to spun before her eyes in dizzying circles before sleep came to her near dawn. "Hey princess don't snore", someone was poking at her ribs. She gave a deep throated snore and irritably flapped her hand which connected with something soft and hard at the same time.

"God princess it's decided you are not sleeping here again", Shlok rubbed at his victimized eye which had the honor of being poked painfully at by Astha. "Sorry she mumbled sleepily and turned on the other side. There was a sound of angry curses from his side before she gave a sleepy smile and went back again in the valley of sleep.

Astha woke up suddenly at the sound of a consistent pounding. She opened her eyes, squinting in the dark surrounding to know the source of hammering and it seemed to be coming from the doorway. "Who the hell is that?", she mumbled woozily and tried to get up from the bed but to her astonishment found herself lying half on the bed and half on Shlok's chest.

How the hell did she get there? The last time that she remembered she was sleeping at her own side. She tried to get up but one of her arm was lying beneath his head and his one arm and leg was thrown over her body, trapping them effectively beneath his body and absconding her from getting up.

"Hey wake up", she hissed inside his ear, but instead of waking him up it had quite the opposite effect on him he turned to face her and threw his other arm over her flattening her against the bed. She gritted her teeth and tried to shake him in letting her go, he weighed a ton.

"Shlok wake up", she whispered in his ear as the hammering shook the whole door, now there were more anxious voices gathering outside calling his name. But he mumbled in his sleep and snuggled more cozily at her side, his face moving to burrow in the place between her neck and the shoulder. A wave of tenderness and longing swept across her heart and for a second the sound of knocking at the door and the voices calling their boss's name anxiously faded away in the background, but it was only for some seconds then reality intruded again...

"Shlok I said wake up" she said sharply in his ear and he woke up with a start. For a second he gazed blankly at her then as someone shouted his name from beyond the door he looked sharply at the door and then pushing her hastily away shot up from the bed. Someone threw a shoulder at the door trying to break it and the door shuddered heavily on it's hinges.

"I am alright, nothing has happened", he addressed them in an authoritarian tone and the pounding stopped at once. He opened the lock, opened the door a little and peeked from it at the other side. "I am alright, don't worry", he said in a soothing tone trying to console the anxious servants. Astha craned her neck to look beyond his shoulder and her gaze caught sight of two pair of eyes staring at her with avid interest the two women were probably maids who were now throwing her curious glances.

"Boss we were worried that something did happen to you because all these years that we've known you, you never slept so late", a man's obedient voice wafted inside her ear and she pricked her ears trying to listen to the conversation but they were murmuring something in code language which was careening across her mind, so she gave up the struggle of listening to their conversation and getting up from the bed stretched like a feline cat, moving her arms to get kinks out of her aching body.

Yawning she moved a hand over her mouth and from the corner of her eye caught sight of an amused looking Shlok looking at her with his arms folded across her chest and a timid Seeta standing behind him with a breakfast laden tray and blushing profusely at seeing her disheveled state. Her mouth paused in a soundless o at seeing his appraising glance moving down towards her chest. She glanced down towards her gaping bodice and hastily closed her gown over it, folding her arms over it.

Shlok signaled Seeta to put the tray on the side table, which she did without hesitation then nodding obediently towards Shlok she exited the room leaving them both standing still in their places as the tension mounted between them with their each breath. He shut the door with a click which made her give a nervous jump...

Shlok opened his mouth to say something but his mob chose that moment to beep. He strode towards the bed still limping a little, pulled out his mob from under his pillow, and then checked something on it. "It's for you princess", he extended his tab towards her she threw a questioning look at him but when he signaled her to take the tab she took it in a trembling hand.

What more atrocious thing he wanted her to see, she thought nervously, but when she glanced at the screen all her worries vanished in a cloud of smoke. It was the video of her mother although she was lying on a bed, with various sort of machineries attached to her, she was sleeping peacefully, her moving chest indicated that she was alive and breathing.

Although it killed her at seeing her mother on a bed but at least she was alive and breathing with a gentle looking woman sitting at her bedside. "The hospital discharged her, so I moved her to my other hideout which got all medical supplies you can say it has got a mini hospital and there is a caretaker for her too which can take care of her needs 24/7", he explained in a brisk tone...

She didn't know what she should do to smile or to cry, to scream or to laugh at his statement...

She felt empty, confused which emotion to choose and show it on her face from the multitude of emotions that were flitting across her heart...

But no emotion could describe what she was feeling now, it had no name, it didn't exist at all in the dictionary of feelings, yet it existed in her heart...

Sometimes in life you've got the feeling that you have no feelings at all...

Then feeling cold looks a better option as compared to no feelings at all, while you fade into nothingness...

~: This Pic credit goes to Birgul :~

Thanks birgul! 😉

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