Parental approval for love marriage?

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skar1984

@skar1984

Explorer

Posted: 10 years ago

Hi All,

I'm a silent member of this forum and perhaps this post is a bit late but I binge watch SS when I can online.

In one of the episodes after Vihaan and Arushi declare and accept their love for one another Vihaan makes a comment that he can't marry Arushi until all his mother's approve of her.

This might be a controversial topic - but I want to raise some healthy discussion on this sentiment.

From my understanding - if you are a person who finds a compatible partner, whom you love and you know that person is good for you and good in general - why is it so hard to stand up for your love?

Why can't you just approach your family and say - I've found someone for myself and I know we are compatible and this is who I will be marrying. If the family has any objections I'd be willing to hear them out but unless they have any solid reason for objection - I'd have to say look I respect you all but this is my life and I have to live it - I'd appreciate it if you could be happy for me but if you can't then I'm sorry but I've made a commitment to this person and I'm not backing down.

I really have a hard time understanding this middle road I see with a lot of South East Asians - primarily Indians - they want the liberty of dating/finding their own spouse/life partner but once they do they want their parents to approve - which is nice we all want our familes to be happy for us - but if the families resist - relationship falls apart and it becomes "i love you but sorry I can't marry you coz my family doesn't want me too and I can't hurt them" THEN WHY FALL IN LOVE in the first place?! Is this even love?! That's not love - that's conditional love.

In regards to the premise of SS - I feel Vihaan's family are the kind that had he come to them when he first liked Arushi and told them about her - even if they had reservations they would accept his choice - becoz they all love Vihaan and want to see him happy. He really didn't need to go through this "mission manao maaji's" but of course there wouldn't be much of a tv series then.

I really mean no disrespect to any forum members here - but I'd really like to hear your views on this "conditional love affair" that plagues our generation.

Thanks!

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kautilya04

@kautilya04

Dazzler

Posted: 10 years ago

You've put forth your points beautifully and logically 👏

Personally, I belong to the same typically Indian school of thought that you've described 😆 The one that says no important decisions should be taken without the wholehearted approval of parents 😳

But I can fully understand your perspective too :)

In Vihaan's case, he wanted to get a "yes" from Aarushi before he told his moms. But then the Gattu fiasco happened, and many other issues kept cropping up, which is why he had to launch this mission marriage 🤔 also, he is vvv emotionally attached to his moms and they have frequently said that they will only accept a bahu who has each mother's approval 😆 (and each time they say it, Daadi maa's expression becomes like this 😳😆 )

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A for Arpita

@A_for_Arpita

Stunner

+ 5

Posted: 10 years ago

Welcome To This Forum & Thank You For This Topic :-)

Well Its Not Like That Ki Vihaan Cant Take A Stand For His Love, He CAN :-) If He Can Travel All The Way To Mumbai Against His Dadi Maa's Wish Just To Propose Her Then He Can Do Anything For His Love.

Its Not About His Love Its About The Happiness Of His Whole Family Including Aarushi :-)

He Is Playing A Safe Game, Yeh Mission Marriage Drama Jaruri Nehi Hai, There Is No Need Of It But According To Him This Drama Will Fullfill His Mothers Wish (Bahu Dhundna Apni Apni Pasand Ki) As Well As His Dream (Marriage With Aarushi) :-)

I Will Not Say He Is Completely Right But I Dont Think He Is Wrong At His Place,

He Loves His Family More Then Anything Else He Just Dont Want To Make ANY Of Them Upset :-) So He Decided To Take This Way To Make EVERYONE Happy :-)

LOVE Happenes Between Two People But MARRIAGE Ties Two Families Together :-) Marriage Is INCOMPLETE Without Family Blessings No Matter How Much Love Is Involbs In It :-)

I Cant Blame Vihaan If He Wants A Complete Marriage :-)

And IF Any Situations Comes Where Aarushi or ArHaan's Love Needs Any Stand From Vihaan Then HE WILL Stand For His Love For Sure Be It Directly or Indirectly :-)

We Already Saw His Reaction When His Mothers Talked About Aarushi's Character Based On Her Father and Brother :-)

May Be He Is Not Vocal About His Love Infront Of His Mothers But He Is Not Silent When It Comes To Aarushi's Image Infront Of Them :-)

Just My Opinion :-)

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skar1984

@skar1984

Explorer

Posted: 10 years ago

Originally posted by: kautilya04
You've put forth your points beautifully and logically 👏

Personally, I belong to the same typically Indian school of thought that you've described 😆 The one that says no important decisions should be taken without the wholehearted approval of parents 😳

But I can fully understand your perspective too :)

In Vihaan's case, he wanted to get a "yes" from Aarushi before he told his moms. But then the Gattu fiasco happened, and many other issues kept cropping up, which is why he had to launch this mission marriage 🤔 also, he is vvv emotionally attached to his moms and they have frequently said that they will only accept a bahu who has each mother's approval 😆 (and each time they say it, Daadi maa's expression becomes like this 😳😆 )

Hi there!

Thanks for responding! I totally respect your point of view.

I won't make any comments in regards to the story line or track shown on the serial - I understand that for commercial purposes CVs have to make things juicy and create drama.

What I would like to comment on is what I have put in bold from your response - it's sentiments like the one in bold - that I try to understand.

While I can understand that family is important and we don't want to disrespect them in any way - at what point do you draw the line? Why is whole hearted parental approval so important? From my understanding - if parents have reservations - its completely fair to hear them out, however if their reservations are far from substantial (either due to prejudice or some other silly reason) then children really have only one option - to put their foot down and say - sorry deal with it - if they are confident they have made the right choice for themselves.

I also wonder about parents at that point also - why the reservation? If you have brought your children up with good values, taught them well - shouldn't parents be confident in their upbringing and understand that they have brought their children up with the right values and confidence to take decisions for themselves and be able to judge good from bad?

Please note I'm not saying that children don't need their parents or should ignore what their parents say - parents always have the right to tell their children of any hesitation/reservation and children should seek their parents input for substantial life decisions - but if there is conflict in opinions - I don't believe that parent's should try to control their children and forcefully make them do as they say nor do i believe that children second guess their decisions and change them JUST to please their parents. At the end of the day it is your life to live.

Another member mentioned that marriage is a union of 2 families - while I see where that sentiment comes from - I must respectfully disagree. Primarily because in this day and age - most people have nuclear families, people are moving to different cities/countries for work etc. In such circumstances - families only really get together on larger occasions - like weddings, funerals, festivals - no reason not to get along during those days even if you don't fully "approve"

Just my 2 cents :)

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kautilya04

@kautilya04

Dazzler

Posted: 10 years ago

Oh my, that is a complicated question. And if I even try to express all my thoughts on the topic, I'll end up writing a book! But let me try to give a concise reply. I'm not qualified in any way to answer on behalf of all the other students in my school of thought 😆 I can only share my own thoughts and experience. Hmmm... firstly, if my previous post gave any impression that I'm a very obedient, docile and dutiful Indian woman, discard that thought! 😆 I'm the black sheep of my family. I'm a headstrong, stubborn and hot tempered person who generally does everything possible to get her way😆

But there are two major reasons why I Never take an important decision without the approval of my parents. For one, I've been brought up in a culture where parents are venerated :) I don't just love and adore my parents. I worship them. That was not a conscious decision that I made. It is a thought and belief that is an intrinsic part of my culture and religion, and having grown up in a deeply spiritual family, it is a part of my psyche too. I've seen the love and devotion my parents had for my grandparents. That too has certainly played a role in strengthening that belief system.

Secondly, I admire my parents tremendously as individuals too. They both are very intelligent, wise, strong and kindhearted human beings. It has been my personal experience that whenever I have followed their advice, I have benefited. And whenever I have gone against their advice, I have almost always paid for it big time 😆 So for me personally, it makes a looot of sense to always make sure that they don't have any reservations about my decisions and are fully on board.

In fact, there is a line in a book written Agatha Christie that I've grown to believe in implicitly - Young people think Old people are fools. Old people Know young people are fools 😳😆

Sorry yaar, I know my one cent doesn't answer your question at all 😆 maaf kar do mujhe :((

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skar1984

@skar1984

Explorer

Posted: 10 years ago

Originally posted by: kautilya04
^
Oh my, that is a complicated question. And if I even try to express all my thoughts on the topic, I'll end up writing a book! But let me try to give a concise reply. I'm not qualified in any way to answer on behalf of all the other students in my school of thought 😆 I can only share my own thoughts and experience. Hmmm... firstly, if my previous post gave any impression that I'm a very obedient, docile and dutiful Indian woman, discard that thought! 😆 I'm the black sheep of my family. I'm a headstrong, stubborn and hot tempered person who generally does everything possible to get her way😆

But there are two major reasons why I Never take an important decision without the approval of my parents. For one, I've been brought up in a culture where parents are venerated :) I don't just love and adore my parents. I worship them. That was not a conscious decision that I made. It is a thought and belief that is an intrinsic part of my culture and religion, and having grown up in a deeply spiritual family, it is a part of my psyche too. I've seen the love and devotion my parents had for my grandparents. That too has certainly played a role in strengthening that belief system.

Secondly, I admire my parents tremendously as individuals too. They both are very intelligent, wise, strong and kindhearted human beings. It has been my personal experience that whenever I have followed their advice, I have benefited. And whenever I have gone against their advice, I have almost always paid for it big time 😆 So for me personally, it makes a looot of sense to always make sure that they don't have any reservations about my decisions and are fully on board.

In fact, there is a line in a book written Agatha Christie that I've grown to believe in implicitly - Young people think Old people are fools. Old people Know young people are fools 😳😆

Sorry yaar, I know my one cent doesn't answer your question at all 😆 maaf kar do mujhe :((

Thank you again! You've expressed your thoughts so eloquently with poise.

Everything you said makes perfect sense :) Your family sounds very loving and balanced :)

The relationship between parents and children is very interesting to me - especially when cultural/religious factors are thrown into the mix.

I suppose the struggle or challenge arises when you want to listen to your parents because you think they know more or better (in a lot of cases they do) but you know that you have made a good decision (sometimes your parents won't agree but in the long run will see u were right) - how do you decipher when to and when not too heed to your parent's advice.

I feel humans by nature tend to be superstitious in the sense - a lot like what was said in the movie PK (different context) but you tend to believe things based on what you are told - parents tell u the person is not good for you - you go ahead with ur decision regardless - a few years later (For completely unrelated reasons) you break-up/divorce - but u'll feel parents were right - were they really right or did life come in the way and subconsciously you'd find excuses to justify why the person isnt right for u rather then tackle the issues head on and work them out?

Sorry if I'm going off on a completely different tangent here but I really enjoy learning about the intricacies of inter personal relations and how different people view different things.

Thanks!

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kautilya04

@kautilya04

Dazzler

Posted: 10 years ago

@skar1984 - Am glad I didn't sound like a loon 😆 Coz I tend to ramble quite a bit 😆

Oh I'm by no means saying that parents don't make mistakes! They too are bound to mess up at times :) But I always make it a point to take their concerns into consideration because I feel its better to learn from their experience than go through the "I will make my own mistakes and learn" process which is advocated by most people these days 😳 I find the latter style of functioning quite tiresome because I'm very lazy and impatient 😆

I think it depends entirely on each person's situation 🤔 When I feel fully confident in taking a decision, I always stick to it, irrespective of anyone else's opinion. But I talk to my family and explain my position. And to their credit, they have Never stopped me if they sense that I truly believe in what I'm doing :)

But I also have friends who possess a lot more sense and intelligence than their parents. And their decisions are far, far better than those taken by their family. In such situations, I feel if your "mind+heart+instinct+conscience" combination supports your decision, then you should always go through with it 👍🏼 Sooner or later, you will be proven right.

Edited by kautilya04 - 10 years ago

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Parental approval for love marriage?

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