Words, promises and silences(Changing times-P 14)

Dear Future Husband,

I for a fact know that you would never get to read it. I do not write this to impress but to express. At this moment I do not know where you are, what you are doing. Five years from now, you would be here, right beside me, perhaps sleeping in the bed, while I would be reading it again.

There was a time when I thought there would never be a relation such as this but now I know. I know that it is difficult to run away from responsibilities. Responsibility is what I think this bond is, between us.

I do not have it in me to get married, but I was too much of a coward to choose my own life, hurting my parents. I can't take a stand, yes. I don't have the spine to say "No" to them and let them face questions I know would hurt them every day.

I do not try to portray myself as a selfless creature. I really am not. You might think I am someone who would let others walk over me. I won't contradict you on that.

No one ever asked me what I want to do in life. Neither had I shared. You know what I really want from life?

Freedom.

Freedom of traveling the world, alone. Freedom of doing a job I know would make me forget night and day. Freedom of having my dream home built with each brick supervised by me. Freedom of owning a personal library filled with the best sellers racked in it, some of them written by me.

These dreams look childish and unreasonable to you, are they? They might have. They will to every other sane person.

A woman has to get married by her twenty fifth year, rear children, and shoulder responsibilities. A woman can't travel the world alone, can't do all the things she wanted to.

I am not averse to marriage. Yes, I am not a firm believer in it either, but I respect the vows. I understand it works for someone, but I do firmly believe that it is a gamble. And I for one do not want that gamble.

I sound too idealistic, and selfish. Ain't I?

Are you wondering if I do not want love from life, another important factor women of my age desire?

I won't deny the fact that I would want love in life, I don't mind settling down when I meet that person. But then life isn't a fairy tale is it?

Husband, I do not know why you would have married me, and what you would have been expecting from me.

I somewhere believe that it is unfair on you to do so. I am not exactly a likeable material, especially not to men. I have always been that friend of a beautiful girl who would help you talk to her best friend. I was that side kick.

I never had been the heroine of any story, and I don't really think I have it in me to be.

I do not know if you would choose me as a part of shouldering your responsibilities, neither do I know if you would have not unchosen me from the rest of the girls.

If I were you, I wouldn't have done that to myself and gone ahead and agreed to a wedding with such a person.

Husband, I am not beautiful and I know that. I won't expect you to love me, it is hard. I am a person with insecurities and flaws yet beyond all my flaws is something that is more lethal. I am a broken person from inside and if I have to be honest, I am not that cruel to let anyone come into the mess that my life is.

You can never be able to love me or respect me. I might even suffocate you someday and I sincerely hope that I would never see that day. I might not be able to love you, or any person for that matter, but dear Husband, I could only wish and pray to God that I should at least be able to not hurt you, ever.

Sincerely,

Your wife.

-

Just making sure you all remember me.

Love,

Maggie.

Wow, beautiful OS! Superbly written! Loved the way u have portrayed the feelings! Can never 4get u!